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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not agree to wipe off CSA arrears?

215 replies

OhSammyBoy · 28/01/2015 12:49

DS2 (9) dad has not seen him since 2010. This is his choice (dad not DS). Prior to this he only saw him 5 times in the previous couple of years.

He pays maintenance through the CSA. He left his job last year and failed to notify the CSA. Now as far as the CSA are concerned he has still been building up arrears in this time, as the assessment changes at the point of telling them your circumstances and they wont backdate.

The CSA in a rare show of actually being useful have chased up the case this week, and contacted me to ask if we have set up a private arrangement (No) and if I have received and maintenance directly (No), if I want them to chase the arrears (Yes) and if I still want them to retain the case (Yes).

They have rang DS2s dad, and obviously made him aware of this. He has now text me asking if he can ring me, as "there is a CSA issue that he needs to sort". I know he is going to ask me to wipe the arrears and close the case.

WIBU to tell him no?

In the interests of full disclosure

DS2 is the result of a 1 night stand.
His dad did not know about him for the first few years of his life (I couldn't find him - as soon as I did I told him about DS)
I do not need the CSA money to get by - it goes into a savings account.

OP posts:

bobbyjoe · 28/01/2015 16:51

Even if he'd been on benefits during that time they still take £5 a week off the benefit for the child, that seems to be the minimum so maybe adjust the figure. But I'd keep the claim open if you can as it's hard starting from scratch each time with the CSA.

Davsmum · 28/01/2015 17:47

Two people make a baby. They are both responsible. Of course a man should be forced to support his child. The OP has taken all the responsibility and puts her child first. It doesn't matter HE didn't want a child, he produced one! What was OP supposed to do? Abort her child? Have him adopted?

If the man knows he doesn't want to take responsibility for a child he should make bloody sure he doesn't get anyone pregnant.
Saying it's not his child is ridiculous.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/01/2015 17:52

The OP had the option of abortion, because that's a right we have in this country. If she didn't want to take it then that's fine, it's absolutely her choice, but she did make a choice not to use an option that was available to her, so she should have the full responsibility of that choice.

Two people make a baby, but only one makes the decision as to whether that baby gets to be born or not.

If we want the option of abortion to be available to women, then women have to accept the responsibility of that. If we ban abortion, then it would be fair to make both the man and the woman equally responsible.

Women don't need to have it both ways, especially when there are such generous benefits available for single parents.

FreeSpirit89 · 28/01/2015 17:56

I would allow CSA to chase it. Don't drop the case, it's your call about the arrears. But he should have let then know, it's his own fault?

Did he backdate the maintenance for the few years he didn't know about DS? No, then that's what it is.

It'll make a nice nest egg for your DS when he's older x

Oldraver · 28/01/2015 17:57

I would text him back.'.You need to sort out any CSA issues directly with the CSA' and leave it at that

wannabestressfree · 28/01/2015 18:05

I am with old raver on this one.

WooltonPie · 28/01/2015 18:11

That's an interesting way of looking at it.

flippyflapper · 28/01/2015 18:13

I wouldn't drop it because

It's for your child
You are fine with money wise now but what about future?
You are both parents if you lost your job would you be entitled to stop financially looking after you child like he has? No

And I'm speaking from a step parent point of view where dh pays csa payments for his child as well as being a parent.

Just because he lost his job doesn't stop him being a parent. If there is no health reasons why he isn't working it hopefully will give him a kick up bum.

My dh would work cleaning the streets if he had too to support his child.

KateMosley · 28/01/2015 18:13

I think it's unfair someone should have to pay for a child they didn't even know about. From a ONS.

BeeRayKay · 28/01/2015 18:23

he stopped paying randomly after he'd been paying for a while. she isn't chasing backpaymemt from before he knew.

he also had a choice and made it, to not be involved. that doesn't abdicate him of financial responsibility.

when they jumped into bed with each other he knew she could get pregnant. even if they used protection. so he did make the choice to possibly have a child. regardless of how small that chance was.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 18:49

For me, it'd depend on whether or not he's previously been reasonable. It shouldn't, but it would.

I'm guessing a private arrangement didn't work because he was unreasonable and refusing to pay?

If he's been reasonable to a degree, I'd establish how much he should have been paying and wipe the CSA arrears once I'd received that.

But if he's messed your DS about the way my ex has messed my DD about, I'd say it was his responsibility to let him know and therefore his problem.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 28/01/2015 18:54

He has chosen to miss out on all the love and joy, it hasn't been denied to him. And if men don't want to be responsible for babies, they should be more careful about using protection and generally about keeping their penises to themselves.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 18:59

And for the posters who don't agree he should be responsible for OP's DS at all...the way to make sure you don't get a woman pregnant is to not have sex with her. Especially important if you don't know her well enough to know if she's likely to keep the child. No contraception is 100% so it's a risk both parties take when they have sex. He didn't know about the child because the OP had no way of contacting him and he paid nothing for that period of time. Now he does know. So yes, he agreed to the responsibility. I'm sure he knew the mechanics of reproduction before they slept together.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/01/2015 19:03

All of that goes for women as well, but they aren't forced into paying for their children after they stop getting benefits.

Women have the right to absolve themselves of responsibility for a child after a contraception failure or a mistake, and men should have the same.

If it's so important for people to be responsible for the children they create, why do we provide free access to abortion and only pay lip service to the law on abortion?

It's double standards.

WooltonPie · 28/01/2015 19:11

All of that goes for women as well, but they aren't forced into paying for their children after they stop getting benefits.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 19:12

I've not even read past the first paragraph.

How precisely aren't resident parents forced to pay for their child regardless of income????? I'd love to know how the child gets fed if that's the case.

minionmadness · 28/01/2015 19:12

This is not your concern. The financial arrangement is between him and the CSA and it his own fault he now has arrears for not notifying them of a change of circumstances.

Maybe next time he will be more forthcoming with them. I have little patience for father (or mothers for that matter) who don't pay voluntarily towards their children, regardless how long a relationship lasted.

Inertia · 28/01/2015 19:12

No, don't close the case or wipe the arrears. He's shown you what he intends to do with past behaviour, so you can't trust him.

The money isn't for you, it's for your child.

WooltonPie · 28/01/2015 19:16

Ptolemy why don't you give Cleo her needle back and go over to F4J or somesuch to find likeminded folk to chat nonsense with?

SoMuchForSubtlety · 28/01/2015 19:20

He chose not to use a condom I guess therefore he chose the option of fatherhood. It's not exactly news to anyone that there are consequences of that

Oh and women get the option of a post-conception decision about the continuation of their pregnancy (not men) due to the disproportionately higher effect it has on them. To say both parties should have an equal say is a MOST unreasonable example of false equivalence.

OP I think you should just let the CSA deal with him and chase the arrears. He's created the situation he's in entirely on his own, it's not your fault.

maninawomansworld · 28/01/2015 19:21

I realise that it is technically up to him to inform the Cha if he has a change in circumstances but I think YAB enormously U to make him pay the arrears for when he was out of work! (CAN he even pay? He's been out of work fgs!)

If you don't even need it then it makes it even worse.

QueenBean · 28/01/2015 19:23

You had a child as a result of a one night stand, whose father didn't want him and didn't know that he existed, and you're now chasing him on back payments for a time when he wasn't even working?

You chose to have this child without consulting the father, he was a sperm donor not a father. Not fair to ask him for money.

YABU

Original poster

OhSammyBoy · 28/01/2015 19:27

Thanks for all the thoughts.

To answer a few questions, cant remember who asked them though
I understand he is currently being bankrolled by his parents, who are I believe giving him the amount he used to earn (a not unsubstantial sum), and whilst legally it isn't earned income considered by the CSA, he has got the same amount of money now as he did last year.

He isn't paying for a child he didn't know about. The CSA has only been going on for 2 years. I originally claimed it because a) I desperately needed the money and b) I was fed up of him pretending DS didn't exist to his friends and family, I figured paying for him meant he at least had to acknowledge his existence. The doesn't want, well obviously he doesn't want DS. He said all the right things when I approached him and he had the DNA test, took 18 months dithering over whether he wanted to meet DS or not, then saw him 5 times in 12 months, and then disappeared without an explanation - just stopped answering my calls / texts. But yes its true he's paying for a child he doesn't see. The love and sheer joy of DS is denied to him only by his own choice. DS has him on a massive pedestal and would jump at any chance to see him at all, and is massively hurt by him walking away and blames himself, and reckons if hed only been "better" his dad would have stayed.

I am massively, massively angry about that, and it does cloud my judgement with him. Had he rang the CSA last year, I might have chuntered about him getting money off his parents and not passing any on, but I would have accepted not receiving any, which is what makes me wonder if IABU to say to the CSA now that I wont write it off.

Obviously if I was still in the financial straits I was in when I contacted the CSA I wouldn't hesitate, but I have been lucky to get a fantastic job, and the money is not longer needed hence it being in a savings account.

OP posts:

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 19:28

The 'consulting the father' bit happened while his knob was wet.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/01/2015 19:30

F4J are in tonight.

He should pay for his child.

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