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Original poster

To not agree to wipe off CSA arrears?

215 replies

OhSammyBoy · 28/01/2015 12:49

DS2 (9) dad has not seen him since 2010. This is his choice (dad not DS). Prior to this he only saw him 5 times in the previous couple of years.

He pays maintenance through the CSA. He left his job last year and failed to notify the CSA. Now as far as the CSA are concerned he has still been building up arrears in this time, as the assessment changes at the point of telling them your circumstances and they wont backdate.

The CSA in a rare show of actually being useful have chased up the case this week, and contacted me to ask if we have set up a private arrangement (No) and if I have received and maintenance directly (No), if I want them to chase the arrears (Yes) and if I still want them to retain the case (Yes).

They have rang DS2s dad, and obviously made him aware of this. He has now text me asking if he can ring me, as "there is a CSA issue that he needs to sort". I know he is going to ask me to wipe the arrears and close the case.

WIBU to tell him no?

In the interests of full disclosure

  • DS2 is the result of a 1 night stand.
  • His dad did not know about him for the first few years of his life (I couldn't find him - as soon as I did I told him about DS)
  • I do not need the CSA money to get by - it goes into a savings account.
OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 28/01/2015 22:20

actually wool there are women who do work and there are women who do not work...and it doesn't matter whether they are single parent families or 2 parent families - if you meet the criteria you still get one or both forms of financial help....

QueenBean · 28/01/2015 22:22

Tartina the father didn't KNOW that there was a child being brought in to the world - the OP kept that from him for a number of years

I'm a feminist in that I strongly believe in equal rights but this is just what this is - both parents should have had an equal say in whether to bring this child in to the world and they didn't, the OP did without telling the father

And I call bullshit to anyone who says that someone agrees to parenthood just by having sex - at least accept that the chance of falling pregnant and the likelihood of a baby being wanted from a ONS are very low

OhAhhMissus · 28/01/2015 22:22

Of course if you allow a man to abdicate responsibility for a pregnancy to correct for biological differences we are only a step away from the next logical progression. Forced pregnancy, if a man wants to be a father what right does a mere woman have to take it away, that would be inequality after all.

WooltonPie · 28/01/2015 22:24

actually wool there are women who do work and there are women who do not work...and it doesn't matter whether they are single parent families or 2 parent families - if you meet the criteria you still get one or both forms of financial help....

Yes, that's certainly closer to the truth than your first misogynistic sound bite, but, nevertheless, most women work.

OhAhhMissus · 28/01/2015 22:25

both parents should have had an equal say in whether to bring this child in to the world

So you believe women should be forced to continue a pregnancy? Why should just women get a say in abortion, that would not be equal.

FloraFox · 28/01/2015 22:26

QueenHandmaiden the OP kept that from him for a number of years

RTFT

CantBeBotheredThinking · 28/01/2015 22:27

actually wool there are women who do work and there are women who do not work...and it doesn't matter whether they are single parent families or 2 parent families - if you meet the criteria you still get one or both forms of financial help....

There are also women who work who do not qualify for help either from tax credits or child benefit but you won't acknowledge that because it doesn't fit with your claim that women aren't taking financial responsibility.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 28/01/2015 22:27

Quite amazing that he couldn't be found to tell him of the pregnancy but when money is needed hey presto he can be found Hmm

I do agree with the others who say you chose to do this without any input or even his knowledge. He got no say in at whatsoever and was effectively used as a sperm donor. It's little wonder he has no relationship with a child he knew nothing about for years.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 22:27

the resident parent, whether male or female, is always held accountable because they're raising the child. Since I left the ex, I've lost count of the number of meals I've missed to make sure my DD eats. I'm having to make my pregnancy clothes last despite me now being 4 sizes smaller and bump-free because I'd prefer DD to be in clothes that fit and in a warm house. The resident parent always makes sacrifices and they deal with the day to day care too.

And guess what? DD was planned. Until I got pregnant that is. Then my ex confessed that he'd only said he wanted a child because he assumed he couldn't have children, having shagged about a lot and not yet landed with a maintenance bill. He'd have opted out of paying maintenance. Despite having a choice.

QueenBean · 28/01/2015 22:29

FloraFox

I have RTT, I suggest you got back and RTFT which clearly says that the OP didn't tell the father for a number of years

lessgymbunnymoregymtortoise · 28/01/2015 22:30

What have I said is a heinous injustice?

What is a heinous injustice is the gender pay gap. It's the last minute networking trips, with not enough time to arrange childcare. It's the huge expense of childcare in this country. It's the subtle and not so subtle discrimination against part time workers. It's the fact we have so few women in the House of Lords- it's the fact that essentially men run the country! The fact that maternity services are so underfunded. The fact that women are not free to choose how to feed their babies due to public pressure, or financial pressure, or pressure of a return to work. There are so many things we need to jump up and down about.

Bleating that we need money from the men all the time, and playing the victim is going to get us nowhere.

The OP said the dad said he was 'in'- he should support his child. He should man up, and get organised. He should realise 'support' isn't just financial, and become the father he has chosen to be. But you don't have to be male to be a shit parent, there are plenty of both genders.

However, I think that men should be allowed to decide they're 'out', after a ONS where contraception was used, and pregnancy was not envisaged. Perhaps a written 'in case of pregnancy' agreement needs to be negotiated before every ONS? As much as anything, women need enough support from society and self respect to say 'I can do this alone, you can do this alone, or we can do it together. I'm in/out, are you in/out?" Once we get to a place where that can be the basis of decisions about unplanned parenthood, we'll be equal. I am striving for equality, not to put 'men in their place', as some appear to wish to do.

Starlightbright1 · 28/01/2015 22:30

so in summary

...He stopped paying despite no drop in his income..He was so busy doing nothing he didn't have time to inform CSA...

No I definitely would not close case...I would also text him and ask him to sort it out with the CSA..Working and raising his child you are far too busy to sort out his mess.

I also feel terribly for your son in all this..My DS has not seen his Dad in over 4 years and has wondered what he had done.

velvetspoon · 28/01/2015 22:30

As someone who had a baby as a result of what was pretty much a ONS, I don't see any point in pursuing either the money or any contact for your DS. I've never done either (I've also never received a penny from the father of my younger DC, who I was in a lt relationship with. I'm lucky in that I don't need their money. Tbh had I not been financially comfortable when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, I may well not have continued with the pregnancy.

SugarOnTop · 28/01/2015 22:30

ohah are you seriously saying that a woman doesn't have chances/opportunities/methods of rectifying the situation when 'biology has consequences' for her?!!!!!! Shock

FloraFox · 28/01/2015 22:32

Try reading the OP:

- His dad did not know about him for the first few years of his life (I couldn't find him - as soon as I did I told him about DS)

QueenBean · 28/01/2015 22:33

FloraFox

So how was what I said untrue? She couldn't find him so she didn't tell him for a number of years

Exactly what I said

FloraFox · 28/01/2015 22:34

What you said was the OP kept that from him for a number of years

That was untrue. Jeez, you only said that 10 minutes ago.

QueenBean · 28/01/2015 22:36

She did keep it from him for a number of years

The reason for this was because she couldn't find him.

When she needed money, she suddenly found him quite easily.

My original statement is not untrue

Why is this particularly so important to you?

WooltonPie · 28/01/2015 22:36

Bleating that we need money from the men all the time, and playing the victim is going to get us nowhere.

No less, CHILDREN need money from PARENTS. Both of them.

And as for structural inequalities, the fact that most resident parents are female and most NRPs don't pay CM is one of them, just as much as the gender pay gap is.

lessgymbunnymoregymtortoise · 28/01/2015 22:38

cuntstupidsurvivor- clearly your ex doesn't get to choose to be 'out'!

And no where have I suggested forced pregnancy. Parenthood is never a 'right'. I'm only talking about unplanned pregnancy, by both partners.

Telling the OP she used him a sperm donor is deeply unfair, she hasn't said that. I don't have a problem with using sperm donors, but she said it was an unplanned pregnancy. Making a leap from 'she kept it, she must have planned it' is unfair.

If a woman wants a child without a man, there are paths to go down. If a man wants a child without a woman, there are paths to go down. I think single men and single women should be considered equally in adoption, for instance. (See- that thinking about equality again.) No man should force a woman into anything- but neither should a woman force a man.

I don't buy in to a philosophy that women are weak and princess-like, and men are cavemen, or Shrek, or all wasters, or that women all secretly want to be 1950's housewives, and men should be providers, or that women should go get whatever they can from the weak, stupid, feckless men. All are stereotypes, and we should treat others how we would like to be treated, regardless of gender.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 28/01/2015 22:40

less - but in cases like mine, where's the absolute proof that the pregnancy wasn't accidental? Or that I hadn't tricked him?

lessgymbunnymoregymtortoise · 28/01/2015 22:42

No less, CHILDREN need money from PARENTS. Both of them.

Children don't need money from both parents, what nonsense. No child had suffered because dad was the breadwinner, and mum a SAHM, or vice versa.

Children thrive on love, and parenting. Whether that's two parents of different genders, the same gender, or a single parent of either gender.

Thinking that child maintenance will solve the gender pay gap is a serious (and I suspect deliberately cultivated) mistake. Pay should be equal- child maintenance should not be expected to make up for the fact that women are paid less than men for doing the exact same jobs.

lessgymbunnymoregymtortoise · 28/01/2015 22:43

cuntstupidsurvivor- cross post? Your ex needs to pay far more than he's assessed to, I suspect. What a fuckwit.

OhAhhMissus · 28/01/2015 22:46

Sugar those limited choices come with risks, up to and including infertility, disability and death. Abortion, even when it is the right decision for a woman, can be intensely traumatic. I had an abortion and whilst i do not regret my decision it is not something I think I could face again. Your proposed equality means things are risk free for men, all consequence lies with women and it would be open to wide open for abuse.

Men need to take their heads out of the sand and take responsibility for their fertility. We all know how it works now, its no secret.

Pressure for women to have sex without a condom is immense. I've had a few ONS and it is always me who produced a condom, a few looked put out at the suggestion and were promptly kicked out. Listen to many men, they don't take responsibility as its the woman's responsibility innit? Its always but I thought she was on the pill, never but we used a condom.

OhAhhMissus · 28/01/2015 22:47

Oh and when i've questioned men about why they thought she was on the pill the answer has always been because its her responsibility. This includes supposedly intelligent men, its a joke.