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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice needed please...15 yo wants to go abroad with friends (same age)

129 replies

sourdrawers · 28/01/2015 11:57

My 15 yo DD plays in a Basketball team and her team mates are really great girls. There's 4 of them, a couple of whom are just turned 16, that are close, DD included. I've just learned that they've organised to go on a 4 day trip to Amsterdam. They've asked DD to go. I've learned this via a friend, via FB. DD hasn't said anything to me yet. Now normally I'm pretty decisive. But I just feel really unsure. I trust DD and these girls, but abroad? WWYD???

OP posts:
XiCi · 28/01/2015 17:21

Also, I don't know if things have changed since I went as it was 10 years ago, but we didn't get asked for ID once, in bars, coffee shops or clubs and we were very young looking 18 year olds. I'm sure they wouldn't be spending all their time canal walking!!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 28/01/2015 17:22

No way. Not sure how they'd book accommodation if under 18 anyway and I agree that they're probably not old enough to make reliably good decisions in the face of random blokes (probably charming) or to deal with a problem like the hotel being overbooked or an insurance claim. It's not like they'll have a credit card you can use to book somewhere that night (or pay for emergency treatment) and sort it out in the morning.

It's not just your DD though, it just takes some peer pressure from the others and it's easy to get caught up in something and be unable to back out. Mum and Dad aren't an easy phone call/pick-up away like they might be if they wanted to hire a cottage in Devon, for example.

There's plenty of time for girls holidays when they're 18+.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 28/01/2015 17:22

Not a chance.

Original poster
sourdrawers · 28/01/2015 17:24

I don't know anything yet unexpected. How they intend to travel, how the heck they're intending to book a hotel to stay in? What the other parents say about it? I only know one of them BTW. All I know is it's a plan. They're all pretty street wise these girls inc DD. You have to be where we are.. But this is different.

OP posts:
Sidge · 28/01/2015 17:27

It would be a no from me.

I have a not-long-turned 16 year old and wouldn't even entertain the idea, whether it was Amsterdam, Athens or Amersham!

I'm all for independent travel and adventure but not as a minor I'm afraid.

Original poster
sourdrawers · 28/01/2015 17:28

F*ing hell XiCi I wish you hadn't told me that! What if I can't stop her? I reckon it might even be illegal. Straw clutching going on here.

OP posts:
notnaice · 28/01/2015 17:33

Nope from me too, but it's unlikely to come off anyway.

My parents surprisingly agreed to let me backpack around Germany with an older mixed sex group, when i was 15. I have no idea why they agreed. Perhaps they though it was unlikely to happen. They were right, it didn't.

BlueberryWafer · 28/01/2015 17:37

A definite no from me, and aim generally very laid back about this sort if thing. 15 is too young to travel anywhere abroad with a group of friends, let alone Amsterdam. I went when I was 17 and that was eventful enough...

MaidOfStars · 28/01/2015 17:38

What do you mean 'what if you can't stop her?'

FightOrFlight · 28/01/2015 17:41

No.

I love Amsterdam, been there many many times (must renew my passport and pay another visit).

The architecture is stunning, the people are very friendly, the museums are plentiful and well worth visiting. The coffee shops are bloody awesome Grin

After a certain time of night, however, the families and 'culture tourists' desert the streets and I found it very seedy. I saw lots of addicts (not talking weed here) and generally very dodgy characters. I wouldn't want a 15 year old there without an adult staying nearby that they could call on in an emergency. Centraal Station area is full of very shady types, day and night, and Vondelpark takes on a very different character after dusk.

FightOrFlight · 28/01/2015 17:48

Oh another thing about the coffee shops - they sell some very heavy duty weed. It is graded according to strength but even the weak stuff is often a lot stronger than casual smokers are used to here in the UK.

I remember going there with a friend about 15 years ago to celebrate her birthday. One shared spliff of medium strength before going out to party knocked us out to the point where we actually slept through the entire evening, waking up at 3am the following day!

Notrevealingmyidentity · 28/01/2015 17:55

They do sell very strong weed. Really knocked out my friend when we went. I was alright because I'm not daft enough to smoke hash.

I'm in my 20s and I went and have to say even in a mixed group in some areas (red light district) I didn't feel entirely safe. Very seedy.

I wouldn't want her to go. Too young.

That said there is some lovely stuff to do there besides weed and red light district but maybe when she's a bit older.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 28/01/2015 17:57

I don't remember being asked for ID either.

FightOrFlight · 28/01/2015 18:05

There's also quite a few shops selling legal highs.

Trams and bicycles are a serious health hazard when you are stone cold sober, after anything mind altering it's like being on a death wish.

Dog shit was another major hazard surprisingly. Last time I went there was hardly any litter on the streets but masses of dog shite.

Out0fCheeseError · 28/01/2015 18:09

Hell no. I know someone that went with a group of friends for a long weekend last year. Older than your daughter, and pretty streetwise. Within days, two of them ended up sectioned for weeks with psychosis. Fuck knows what they took but it was clearly not what they were expecting.

ChocolateTeapotsDontWork · 28/01/2015 19:28

We weren't ID'd and it was a school trip!

Dutch1e · 28/01/2015 19:44

No to what exactly? DD hasn't asked you if she can go and all of this is based on, well, gossip. For all anyone knows, she's already said "no thanks but have a great time" and moved on.

If she does somehow manage to sneak herself on a flight/ferry, best of luck to her to find accommodation (no hostel will take an under-18 without their parents and even then they're likely to send you to a hotel) and a beer. Drinking age has been raised to 18 and there's not a coffee shop for 100 miles that would sell her any weed.

The Amsterdam of our youth is gone. Now it's just a pretty city with a low crime rate.

OhMittens · 28/01/2015 19:49

100% not. Even if they are allmature at 15, blah de blah, they are all ripe for being taken advantage of. There's much time for Amsterdam trips in a couple of years and a bit more life/people experience under their belt.
15 is still a child (technically, legally and emotionally). Imagine if something really awful happened - it would blight her life, and for what?
If she was going under her own steam at 18 or even 17 then you can't prevent that, but you can (and should) protect her from herself at 15.
It's just not necessary.

OhMittens · 28/01/2015 19:52

Dutch1e I read it as that OP is mulling over her hypothetical response/decision, should she be asked by DD.

Dutch1e · 28/01/2015 21:06

OhMittens Point taken. But as the wording of question assumes that DD wants to go, it might be kinder to everyone to wait and see if that's the case? Although having barely survived the teens of my own DD it's probably a fair assumption

JockTamsonsBairns · 28/01/2015 21:07

I'd say I'm a fairly laid back parent, but I wouldn't allow my dd of that age to go to Amsterdam. I've been there myself a number of times and, as other posters have said, it can get quite risky around the centre by early evening onwards.

Just so you're armed with the facts though, she would indeed be able to travel at 15 with easyjet, as they allow travellers from the age of 14.

Original poster
sourdrawers · 29/01/2015 09:44

It turns out DD had been asked and accepted. One of the girls' dads lives there, (just outside central Amsterdam) and they're planning to go and stay with him. I don't know this bloke or anything about him. What he does for a living, his lifestyle, character, his past, nothing! I said no, I'm absolutely against it. The father aspect changes nothing. She got very stroppy and shut herself in her room. Apparently she needs a letter of consent from me and ID etc to allow her to travel unsupervised? I don't know I haven't had time to look into it yet. I've refused to give it and after much door slamming and shouting. We were able to speak a bit about it calmly, she was very sulky but I get the impression she knows it's not a bad idea. But today at school, she'll see the others and no doubt the pressure will be on again. 've just had a call from one of the other Mums, 2 of which don't seem to care at all. .Apparently the Dad isn't keen on 4 of them going, as his place is quite small.

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 29/01/2015 10:13

Stick to your guns. If the dad isn't keen, and you have no contact with him, that would pretty much decide it for me regardless of all the other reasons that make it a bad idea.

I think she's got a couple of great holidays already in the bag with the France and Bordeaux holidays. She'll be gutted, but will get over it.

OhMittens · 29/01/2015 10:21

The dad thing would not change anything for me either, as you don't know him or the home or what his friends or other house members are like... etcetc.
I think 15 is just too young. I'm all for experiences, but 15 is not old enough for this. If anything went wrong you would wonder why you ever allowed it. So would she, when she was older herself. It's her job to sulk and strop, it's yours to take it on the chin knowing you are looking after her even though it makes you the bad guy.

I think though that you need to talk about it all (without backing down) otherwise she will want to put your response down to you not wanting her to have any fun, etcetc, which isn't the case.

Original poster
sourdrawers · 29/01/2015 10:22

Thanks. I agree with you....
I get the impression she knows it's a bad idea....I meant to say

OP posts: