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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want favours to turn into regular free childcare

127 replies

shebird · 27/01/2015 21:54

One of the mums at school asked me to do a favour and pick up her DDs after school one day and take them back to mine until she finished work. I agree as I am also a working mum and understand all the difficulties this entails. So then she asks again the next week and the following week and so on so I am now in an awkward position of being informal regular childcare. I have since found out that she has also used some other mums until they have got fed up so I guess I was next in the list. This is not the first time I have ended up in this situation, another mum asked me to drop her DD to school intimating that she had to work, when in fact she was going to the gym Angry

Don't get me wrong I am happy to help friends out as we all need to get by and more often than not I will also need a favour at some stage. It is after all how us parents without extended family to rely on manage to get by. However, I would never ask a favour under the guise of having to work and then sneak off to the hairdressers or the gym. It is especially grating when you know you could not rely the person in question to return the favour.

Perhaps I am over thinking this but if you have to work then you can't rely on favours as a long term childcare solution. Also it is totally U to take advantage of other working mums good nature by pretending to be in a bind with work while actually swanning off and enjoying yourself. AIBU?

OP posts:
davejudgement · 28/01/2015 19:28

I recently offloaded one of these, one day in a emergency I had to drop her DC off at her house immediately after school. I had already realised I was being taken for a ride each week.

On this occasion she took ages to come to door, her trousers were undone and she told me she was meditating! Needless to say she was fairly flushed with the excitement of meditating Hmm

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 19:44

Mimmishimmi Really? I want to say I'm shocked but I suppose I'm just sad that so many think it's an acceptable practice.

My mum did provide childcare for my oldest but not my youngest and it was not for free (mutual beneficial arrangement). And now I'm looking after her. I would not expect nor want my children to be looked after by a woman I scrape an aquaintance with for the express purpose of leaving my daughter there until later than cm's work (only sometimes but still!) for 15 a week! Which is what my HR lady tried to get me to promise to do!

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 19:45

Looking after my mum, if that is not clear.

QueenofallIsee · 28/01/2015 19:53

Well done shebird, its amazing how often this happens to people! Good for you for politely and firmly taking control!

BictoriaVeckham · 28/01/2015 20:01

In the OP's situation, the parent is taking the piss. Although I am surprised that some people wouldn't have a regular arrangement in place to support a friend. I suppose if they're "a parent at the gate" and not a friend it's different.

I have a one side arrangement in place one day a week. dd's friend comes to mine at 8am and I take him to school. It's my only day off and I honestly don't mind doing it. She doesn't pay me, I don't have a reciprocal arrangement in place in for my dd. it's nice for dd and her friend to play and it helps out another working mum. We're not close friends, neighbours really, but we help each other out. Suppose I am surprised by the responses to people not wanting to help others out on a regular basis. This is how it used to be in 70's and 80's wasn't it? Take a community to bring up a child.

nunkspugget · 28/01/2015 20:11

Op, im putting this thread in my watch list as I'm sure she won't be done with you yet!

missymayhemsmum · 28/01/2015 20:15

Sorry, I don't get the problem. If it's convenient and the kids get on well then trade it for a favour another time. If you don't want it to be a regular thing then say so, and make it clear she needs to get her childcare sorted.

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 20:15

Suppose I am surprised by the responses to people not wanting to help others out on a regular basis. This is how it used to be in 70's and 80's wasn't it? Take a community to bring up a child.

People make the choice to go to work or stay at home.

If you choose to stay at home-you sacrifice a salary. It pisses people off to stay at home and then be asked to provide free childcare so that other parents can earn money for their household. Surely you can see why they wouldn't want to help out others on a regular basis.

quietbatperson · 28/01/2015 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrimalLass · 28/01/2015 20:21

My friend did this with her two from time to time. She'd book things and then look round for someone to have them for hours. And then to 'pay me back' she would invite DS to their house, but not DD, which was no bloody help at all.

FringeDivision · 28/01/2015 20:48

I grew up in the 70s and dont remember my mum expecting people to provide free child care. She paid a childminder and later on she and my dad split child care between them. My grandparents were no help either - I think sometimes people have rose tinted memories of the 70s and 80s and the 'takes a village' thing.

BictoriaVeckham · 28/01/2015 20:59

If you choose to stay at home-you sacrifice a salary. It pisses people off to stay at home and then be asked to provide free childcare so that other parents can earn money for their household. Surely you can see why they wouldn't want to help out others on a regular basis

In my situation I'm not a SAHM and neither is the neighbour. Like I said, in the situation with the OP, I think the other parent is absolutely taking the piss. I was merely throwing a different perspective out there that it's a shame people don't want to help out on a regular basis if they're happy their children play nice together.

I think sometimes people have rose tinted memories of the 70s and 80s and the 'takes a village' thing

I can assure you there is no rose tinted glasses here Grin it was definitely my experience in our "street" Everyone helped out around the normal paid childcare arrangements.

quietbatperson · 28/01/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 21:35

A recpirocal situation where both parents benefit equally is entirely different. Eg one parent picks up one afternoon when other is working and then drops her daughter off to theirs on the morning she's working. in these other situations, you've got both parents of children working 12+ hour days and rhey bring out the 'takes a village' phrase to try and guilt others into looking after their kids without really offering anything meaningful in return (and no, offering to take yours for a playdate on weekend in return isn't really a favour unless you really need it).

BictoriaVeckham · 28/01/2015 22:38

and rhey bring out the 'takes a village' phrase to try and guilt others into looking after their kids without really offering anything meaningful in return

IMO this is everything that is wrong with society today. There are fewer and fewer people that don't do things to be nice, kind or helpful for others, unless there is something in return for them.

I will reiterate again, the OP situation is a clear piss take and my comment above isn't linked, just my opinion with how society is most of the time

Indantherene · 28/01/2015 22:51

I had my kids in the 1980s and can assure you it isn't how it used to be then. Various people have picked up or dropped off children for me over the years but it has also been part of an adhoc reciprocal arrangement. So I would take my DC1 and my friend's DC1 to playgroup while she had my DC2 and her DC2. Plus they were friends, not random parents.

But I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting someone else to collect my children on a regular basis. That is so cheeky.

musicalendorphins2 · 29/01/2015 06:28

Well done shebird. It is good that you had a plan ready for when she asked you to take them to the "activity". I can't believe she would have the gall to ask you to take them along with you!

FringeDivision · 29/01/2015 07:44

I think people are willing to help out, they are just not willing to be used!

FayKorgasm · 29/01/2015 07:59

I don't mind helping anyone out but I'm not going to have the piss taken. Feeding 3 extra kids twice a week costs. I remember my poor mum being quietly resentful about being lumbered with other peoples kids because she was a sahm.

tobysmum77 · 29/01/2015 08:10

'try after school club maybe' Grin that's brilliant, direct. No one else will try and dump their kids on you after that.

Bloody cheek of some people.

m0therofdragons · 29/01/2015 08:24

I have 2 friends who offered to collect dd from school on the 2 days a week I can't collect (I'm working). I would never have asked however from their point of view - I work 3 days a week in total and they work 5 days a week so I can help them add hoc on days here and there. I have a back up plan and have said that if either of them ever can't do it then just say bit they're adamant it's fine.
you need to have a chat and also decide if you can help (maybe every other week) although the gym thing would annoy me.

ClaudetteWyms · 29/01/2015 10:09

I think you have handled this well OP. I am a SAHM and often have others' children round, and have helped several working parents out with regular arrangements as well as in emergencies.

However the difference in my case is I have always offered to help, or they have always asked from the start and got my agreement. In your case OP it's more a case of a one-off favour turning into a weekly expectation, which isn't on - and is bloody cheeky.

I have never asked for anything in return, but have received wine and other presents as thank yous, so people have been grateful and kind. I enjoy helping others, I'm sure I'm not the only one Smile

BirdintheWings · 29/01/2015 10:47

Beta -- Grin I remember it because you got such a flaming (and TBH, I couldn't see why you were so worried, but it seems you were right about their motives)!

I have a somewhat freaky memory for the written word, but can only remember things of no great use to anyone, sadly. Not stuff like where I last put my car keys and children.

2rebecca · 29/01/2015 10:56

I think asking someone to help out as a child minder for an unseen emergency is fine,
I think coming to an arrangement with a friend where they look after your children regularly because you work is fine,
What isn't fine is when people try to change the first into the second without fully discussing it and ensuring the friend wants to be a regular informal child minder.
If you need a regular child minder there are lots of options available. Taking advantage of a friend or relative without ensuring they are happy with it shouldn't be one of them.

Original poster
shebird · 29/01/2015 17:27

Bictoria I agree it is important to be kind and help each other out, I do this a lot and really don't expect anything in return. Life is difficult enough and we are all just trying to get by.

However kindness works both ways, not just in terms of reciproical childcare favours, but also with regards to having consideration for others. It feels good to help others but it feels rubbish to be taken advantage of and used. I would never ever impose my DCs on another mum on a regular basis as free childcare without agreement. Even with agreement I would struggle with the idea, because I would feel so guilty and would rather pay for childcare than have the guilt. It is also unfair on the children to not have any certainty about what their arrangements are from one week to the next. It's guess some people just don't think like this.

OP posts:
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