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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want favours to turn into regular free childcare

127 replies

shebird · 27/01/2015 21:54

One of the mums at school asked me to do a favour and pick up her DDs after school one day and take them back to mine until she finished work. I agree as I am also a working mum and understand all the difficulties this entails. So then she asks again the next week and the following week and so on so I am now in an awkward position of being informal regular childcare. I have since found out that she has also used some other mums until they have got fed up so I guess I was next in the list. This is not the first time I have ended up in this situation, another mum asked me to drop her DD to school intimating that she had to work, when in fact she was going to the gym Angry

Don't get me wrong I am happy to help friends out as we all need to get by and more often than not I will also need a favour at some stage. It is after all how us parents without extended family to rely on manage to get by. However, I would never ask a favour under the guise of having to work and then sneak off to the hairdressers or the gym. It is especially grating when you know you could not rely the person in question to return the favour.

Perhaps I am over thinking this but if you have to work then you can't rely on favours as a long term childcare solution. Also it is totally U to take advantage of other working mums good nature by pretending to be in a bind with work while actually swanning off and enjoying yourself. AIBU?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 15:30

Who collected the children-did you see?!

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 28/01/2015 15:40

Nicely done OP - remember you never have to justify your responses to her.

crje · 28/01/2015 16:30

Well done op

Neighbours au pair has half day today . She has been on to mind her kids for her while she goes to a meeting.
She can see my house from hers !!

Original poster
shebird · 28/01/2015 17:18

Thanks all - feeling very empoweredSmile

Saw one of the other mums at school with these kids in tow, I know she has been a victim before so felt slightly guilty but mostly annoyed. I used to all for solidarity amongst mums and helping each other out but I won't be taken for a mug again that's for certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
shebird · 28/01/2015 17:19

That au pair has a cheek - what would her employers think of her doing this?

OP posts:
Mumzy · 28/01/2015 17:36

She I read it as it was the parents who wanted the au pair to take the dcs to the CM house

GraysAnalogy · 28/01/2015 17:39

I'm so glad you've said something. I bloody hate the threads were the OP gets fab advice but just umms and arrs and never ends up saying anything.

FringeDivision · 28/01/2015 17:44

Sahms, when someone is trying to freeload child care from you, remember to keep in mind that you have made financial/career sacrifices in order to sah. Why should you work for free, looking after their kids, so that they can earn money? Keeping this in mind will help you resist the guilt that you absolutely should not be feeling!

I always find that having other people's kids in the house to he hard work. It is not the same as just looking after my own.

Everyone's time is valuable, however you choose to spend it, be it sah or woh and the piss takers are basically saying that your time is not as important as theirs.

MoreBeta · 28/01/2015 17:52

One of my first ever posts on MN was about 'playdate' invites which were really setting me up to provide free childcare. It felt as if I was being targeted at times.

I was SAHD and objected strongly to be used. Don't be a sitting duck just say no.

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 17:56

Please continue to stand up for yourself.

I am looking for a childcare/working solution and the ACTUAL HR LADY SUGGESTED BASICALLY DOING THIS witha nominal amount (nothing like the amount yyou'd actually have to pay for child care) thrown in as a sop. I don't see other people as

Rivercam · 28/01/2015 17:59

Well done Shebird.

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 17:59

Sorry, phone got temperamental.

I was aghast that she was suggesting I exploit someone else's good nature and had to do my best to try and side step alk the suggestions of that ilk she kept putting forth.

TendonQueen · 28/01/2015 18:05

LadyR Shock at someone in HR saying that!

She'll probably ask again before she gives up, OP. Keep your resolve.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 28/01/2015 18:08

I think it's ok to provide childcare on an ongoing basis IF it's a reciprocal agreement that benefits you BOTH.

I think it's ok to ask a friend if they'll watch your kids while you get your hair done IF you are honest & don't guilt them into doing it by implying it's a work thing.

I think it's ok to ask other parents to help out in an emergency - I've done this but I'm also happy to help others.

This woman did none of these things. she took the piss and tried to manipulate. I've been really on the bones of my arse skint when childcare costs absolutely crippled me, but if you have a long standing work commitment, you just HAVE to have a long standing childcare arrangement too.

BirdintheWings · 28/01/2015 18:09

MoreBeta, I actually remember that thread... it stuck in my head, though, as being that your children had been invited elsewhere first, and you were instantly suspicious that they would try to cadge invitations back! Were you right or are you just very very paranoid from too many years of SAHPing?

BirdintheWings · 28/01/2015 18:09

...did they ever actually dare ask if you would have their children, I mean?

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 18:10

I wrote a whole post on work and deleted it, and just not too happy with them all round really.

But it shows how common an attitude it is amongst professional women. It's horrible.

imip · 28/01/2015 18:13

This used to happen to me a lot when my dcs were at nursery. I used to look after someone else's dc and it really annoyed me. It was so random, and sometimes just on the spot. Both parents were freelancers, so random hours. Drove me nuts but I was too polite to say no (stupid me!).

They'd reciprocate on their terms, have the kids over to tea etc, but they had 2dcs and at the time I had 3 three and under. So, there's would be 4 (the other at school). Tricky beause their dc was my dcs best friend. They did take the piss. She is now a part time teacher at my dcs school! She asked me a couple of times since the dcs have been at school. But I've always said no.

I really struggled with the added burden of yet another toddler, ESP while I was pregnant and constant morning sickness. She actually asked me randomly to look after them again - I'm pretty god now at saying sorry, kids have after-school activities!

Viviennemary · 28/01/2015 18:18

You need to say that you won't be doing this again on a regular basis and she must find a childminder for that day. There's always these people who take advantage of good natured people till even they get fed up. I'd have another arrangement on that very day so you are unable to do it any more. She's just simply cheeky.

Mumzy · 28/01/2015 18:26

Sorry She got the wrong au pair poster

JakeShit · 28/01/2015 18:33

Aww, I'm so proud of you SheBird Grin Thanks

I hope you remember this next time someone tries to take advantage of you. It feels good to say no sometimes.

MoreBeta · 28/01/2015 18:34

BirdintheWings - wow that post was years ago! Grin

Oh yes they did ask it was like being stalked. They knew I was a SAHD and no doubt they asked SAHMs as well. It was the WOHM mothers that were really quiet brazen. One female solicitor was the worst.

I got awfully flamed for that thread! Blush

Devora · 28/01/2015 18:51

I work FT - with a long commute - and am really sympathetic to how difficult it can be with emergency childcare issues. My NDN was until recently a SAHM of kids at the same school as mine - and oh, it was tempting to ask her to help on occasions but I made sure it was only real, genuine emergencies (and took round wine/chocolates to say thanks).

I can't tell you how happy I am now she's working herself, and has to rush to get her kids to school and then to work. Oh, how I skip out of the front door, sunnily offering to take her kids in with mine. At last, I am putting credit in the bank so I will be able to ask her for favours in future! Reciprocation is the only way these things work.

Bettybodybooboo · 28/01/2015 19:01

We'll done op.

Cheeky cow.

And speaking as a cm always refuse please so more work for us! Grin

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 19:27

LadyRainicorn You'd be surprised how common this advice is. Google ' cut childcare costs' and it's consistently one of the leading recommendations to ask friends/family who'll probably provide it with more love at half the cost (!!!). There's always a bunch of requests at the start of the year when parents are adding up how much childcare is costing them.