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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want favours to turn into regular free childcare

127 replies

shebird · 27/01/2015 21:54

One of the mums at school asked me to do a favour and pick up her DDs after school one day and take them back to mine until she finished work. I agree as I am also a working mum and understand all the difficulties this entails. So then she asks again the next week and the following week and so on so I am now in an awkward position of being informal regular childcare. I have since found out that she has also used some other mums until they have got fed up so I guess I was next in the list. This is not the first time I have ended up in this situation, another mum asked me to drop her DD to school intimating that she had to work, when in fact she was going to the gym Angry

Don't get me wrong I am happy to help friends out as we all need to get by and more often than not I will also need a favour at some stage. It is after all how us parents without extended family to rely on manage to get by. However, I would never ask a favour under the guise of having to work and then sneak off to the hairdressers or the gym. It is especially grating when you know you could not rely the person in question to return the favour.

Perhaps I am over thinking this but if you have to work then you can't rely on favours as a long term childcare solution. Also it is totally U to take advantage of other working mums good nature by pretending to be in a bind with work while actually swanning off and enjoying yourself. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
shebird · 27/01/2015 22:34

Good idea Rollon I will compose an excuse on my phone and have it ready.

Damn that thought had also crossed my mind as often i have been at work and have not seen her text until almost pick up time but I just think if the poor kids with no one to pick them up and then and give in.

OP posts:
Original poster
shebird · 27/01/2015 22:36

Sorry....dreadful typos

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 22:36

poor kids with no one to pick them up and then and give in

And that's why you're in the situation you're in.

The kids will be fine.

School will hang onto them, call her back from work to get them or charge for ASC if applicable.

She'll stop taking it for granted.

Original poster
shebird · 27/01/2015 22:42

I might get a leaflet about after school clubs and pop it in the kids bags Wink

OP posts:
Rivercam · 27/01/2015 22:42

They have got someone to pick them up - their mother!

crje · 27/01/2015 22:47

There is a child in our school known as the stray she goes with someone different all the time.Sad

I would say no ,like the other poster as a sahm I'm a sitting duck.
Have even gotten a call to collect sick kids from school !

Am currently avoiding a school run with neighbours au pair - the hints are gigantic but so far no direct hits.

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 22:48

The au pair is asking you to pick up the children?

Lucked · 27/01/2015 22:51

I would have an excuse lined up for next time but also ask if she is any closer to sorting permanent childcare for *days as it will be a little nudge that this is not a solution to her problem and that you are getting a little fed up.

Original poster
shebird · 27/01/2015 22:55

I guess working or SAHM we are all sitting ducks if someone thinks they can take advantage of the situation. I work but I do drop off and pick up every day and I suppose this makes me a target too.

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 27/01/2015 22:56

We get the same at our school. Aim seems to be to avoid paying for child care by asking other Mums to be responsible for child several days a week.

Very frustrating as it starts out as sounding like a reasonable request then becomes 'the norm'.

I wouldn't use any excuses about appointments etc, I'd just start saying 'sorry, that doesn't work for us this week'. You'll have to do repeatedly I expect but the message will get through.

zipzap · 27/01/2015 23:12

How about texting her in advance of her 'regular' day and asking that, as you've picked up her dd the last few weeks on xxday, could she pick your dd up for you this xxday instead please?

No need to give a reason - if she pushes, then just go with a 'oh I thought we were doing mutual favours for each other rather you expecting me to be your childminder!!!'

And it also suggests that you won't be able to have her dd as you won't be there to pick up your dd. Of course - at the last minute - you will be able to pick up your dd if you need to - but it will send the mum a curve ball and stop her from assuming that she can rely on you for free childcare!

crje · 27/01/2015 23:14

Damn bamboo
Au pair moans at having to get the baby up to do the school run - also no car for wet days.
She is 18 with a 7,5&1 yr old - I pity her but it's not like I can add mine to her lot for return favours . She has her hands full already.

Op you'll say no and she'll move swiftly on . Water off a ducks back to her .

wanttosqueezeyou · 27/01/2015 23:16

seem to be so many of these people around.

"sorry can't we have plans"

UmizoomiThis · 27/01/2015 23:21

"I helped you out last week as a one off emergency - sorry but this can't be a weekly thing."

Mixtape · 27/01/2015 23:22

I had a similar situation with a friend. I wouldn't have minded so much but I only pick my kids up two days a week, and I like to spend time with them - the mum in question only works 1.5 days a week. I started taking them out after school, to break the cycle - it worked but info sometimes think she is gearing up to ask again!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/01/2015 23:53

She is cunning, that is his she plays you guys. Her xhikdren are not your responsibility, no sorry I cant.

wickedlazy · 28/01/2015 00:04

I would keep making excuses until she stopped asking.

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 02:28

YANBU, just say no, especially if they are not a friend of your children and the parent isn't reciprocating when it would be convenient for you (not her).

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 02:31

There was a 700+ post thread on this a few days ago too. The mum in question was unhappy with the quality of her free childcare (nerf guns, homemade biscuits and inadequate dinner) and had to think about giving her skivvy (the OP) 'another chance' to look after her three children before/after school ...

musicalendorphins2 · 28/01/2015 05:34

When someone began doing that to me, I stopped returning their calls. I may have been rude, but I thought she was ruder. I had children I was paid to watch, plus my own, didn't want 2 more. (paid or not)

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 06:15

musical Wow, you are a childminder and she wanted you to do it for free ?!? At least you could give the excuse about ratio limits which she would not have been able to argue with.

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 06:24

Here is a link to that other thread. The problem is quite common...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2280283-To-tell-my-friend-I-dont-want-to-look-after-her-DCs-anymore

musicalendorphins2 · 28/01/2015 07:59

Yes, she didn't seem to realize it was an imposition.

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 08:06

But you're at home anyway and have nothing better to do, really, what's one or two more?

Aranan · 28/01/2015 08:07

You don't have to give a reason. You can reply with a simple "Sorry I can't today". You don't owe her a reason. Be assertive!