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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want favours to turn into regular free childcare

127 replies

shebird · 27/01/2015 21:54

One of the mums at school asked me to do a favour and pick up her DDs after school one day and take them back to mine until she finished work. I agree as I am also a working mum and understand all the difficulties this entails. So then she asks again the next week and the following week and so on so I am now in an awkward position of being informal regular childcare. I have since found out that she has also used some other mums until they have got fed up so I guess I was next in the list. This is not the first time I have ended up in this situation, another mum asked me to drop her DD to school intimating that she had to work, when in fact she was going to the gym

Don't get me wrong I am happy to help friends out as we all need to get by and more often than not I will also need a favour at some stage. It is after all how us parents without extended family to rely on manage to get by. However, I would never ask a favour under the guise of having to work and then sneak off to the hairdressers or the gym. It is especially grating when you know you could not rely the person in question to return the favour.

Perhaps I am over thinking this but if you have to work then you can't rely on favours as a long term childcare solution. Also it is totally U to take advantage of other working mums good nature by pretending to be in a bind with work while actually swanning off and enjoying yourself. AIBU?

OP posts:

IDontDoIroning · 28/01/2015 08:08

The thing is if she's now assuming you will do it and texting you later and later she's naking you feel obligated to do it. Either call her bluff and say no next time irrespective of when she asks - don't feel guilty they are her children not yours, you've said school do an after school club, or text in advance a day before your usual day to say "in case you were going to ask cant do any more pick ups on xdays from now on." Either then ignore the questions or pleadings or reply "sorry can't do picks ups on a regular basis it's not convenient" to each- don't give any reasons or excuses after all you don't have to justify what you do in your own time to her.
You've said there's an after school club she won't take the hint - why pay for childcare when you can get mugs to do it for free ??? However as there is this club you know they can go there so just ignore her from now on.

musicalendorphins2 · 28/01/2015 08:10

This happened years ago, I am retired from childcare now, but back then it was a busy house!

She just started off as asking one day after school, when her previous arrangements went wrong. I think she intended to make permanent arrangements, & I was probably saying things like , oh they are no bother, dc's like having them play. Then began to dread the phone ringing, and I didn't have call display, so I began to let it always go to the answering machine. I am afraid I am not always not as firm as I advise other to be!

ohtheholidays · 28/01/2015 08:30

Don't become like me I'm such a muppet I ended up getting into this situation 3 different flaming times!

One of the Mum's I was friends with,she worked part time,only had two children,a very hands on husband but she was just so disorganized.
Her little boy was always late for school,her little girl wasn't yet at school.So she asked me if I could take him to school one day,after that fateful day I was taking him everyday.She worked evenings so was at home and I was a single mum to 4DC.

I had to walk up to her house to collect him as she was never dressed.Half the time I'd get there and her son was still having breakfast,not dressed,no packed lunch,so I'd end up getting him ready so he wouldn't make my 2 that were at school late.
She did take my 2 to school on the odd occasion but I couldn't rely on that because she was always late.And her son was a little terror.

Another mum had 2DD and a DS,she was as disorganized as the other mum and her little boy kept getting in trouble for being late.She asked me to take him to school one day and then just presumed I'd do it every day.He was never ready on time and I ended up having the head mistress moaning about the children being late(not my fault)and then 4 weeks in I found out the whole time her feckless husband had been at home the whole time so could have taken his son to school!

The 3rd and final one a boy in the same class as my oldest DS,his parents had joint custody,they were both unreliable.The Mum asked me to take him to school,she was desperate,she had mental health problems at the time so I said of course I'd help.He'd turn up late,having had no breakfast bless him so I made sure I made breakfast ready for when he got to my house.
This went on for over 2 months until I found out I wasn't only looking after him when his Mum had him but also when his Dad did.His Dad wasn't ill and had a long term partner that could help.
His Mum had thought his Dad was taking him to school 50% of the time.She was furious with the Dad and luckily the grandparents(Dad's parents)stepped in and started taking him to school and gave they're son an earful.

Do not end up being the go to for school drop offs and pick ups like I did!

mutternutter · 28/01/2015 08:37

This happened to me. I know how hard it is op. In the end I made up an after school activity. The kids now passed on to another mum

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 08:43

I wouldn't wait or her to call and ask you again. I'd pre-empt that and just text her saying'just to let you know I won't be able to look after x on whatever day anymore.'

Original poster

shebird · 28/01/2015 09:45

Glad to hear that I am not the only victim of childcare freeloaders. I can see now that I walked into this situation by helping out in good faith and she has just seen MUG tattooed on my forehead and taken full advantage. It's just so annoying, she is quids in working with free childcare. Also is not a close friend and although our DDs are similar ages they are not good friends and so it is unlikely that I would ask her to return the favour.
So today I've decided enough and taken your advice and I texted her to say 'just to let you know that DD1 is starting a xyz class after school so I will not be picking up on this day in future'. The class is totally fictitious and I haven't heard back so fingers crossed she will take the hint.

OP posts:

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 28/01/2015 09:56

OP - Well done for taking a stand.

The only draw back with fictitious excuses is that user mum might reply along the lines of "Wow, that sounds fun - can my DD go with you as well!"

Be prepared to be more blunt with future responses - you don't need to justify yourself.

A simple but strong "No - sorry not possible" may be required.

Keep us posted.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 09:58

Well done :)

mimishimmi · 28/01/2015 10:22

Yes, just be prepared that she might decide that's an activity she would like her DD to enrol in and attend as well and ask if you can take her along to it and back home afterwards. You might feel pressured to actually enrol your daughter in said fictitious activity so as not to reveal to her that you lied and you end up with even more responsibility than present! The problem with giving excuses is you shouldn't feel you have to! Her child is not your responsibility! It's nice to help out once in a while, this is very different.

Tanith · 28/01/2015 10:57

Musical, as a childminder, I've had this as well. And the pa comments to other parents about what a money-grabber I was

She made the mistake of moaning to one of my clients one day. I only wish I'd been there to hear it!

Ranks in cheek with the parent who decided to get an au pair and give us notice, but wanted the au pair to bring the kids to play at our house "for continuity"

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 11:44

I hope she doesn't ask for you to take her kids to the club too!

Has she replied, OP?

bloodygorgeous · 28/01/2015 11:51

Never ever make excuses!

Always just say no.

Doesn't have to be rude: 'Sorry can't do this week/that day x'.

If you give excuses, these types of people will find a loophole. Also if you are telling white lies, you will tie your self in knots.

Egog · 28/01/2015 12:03

Smile sadly, and simply say " that doesn't work for me I'm afraid". Then change the subject!

VodkaJelly · 28/01/2015 12:04

I love these sort of problems, I am really at the cheek of some people. I have always worked since my kids were little (used paid childcare - breakfast clubs and after school clubs, never dumped my kids on people) so I have never been in the situation or have people ask me. Probably because they knew I was at work so wasnt a good candidate to ask.

MrsKCastle · 28/01/2015 12:19

Glad you stood up for yourself, OP. It always amazes me how much cheek some people have.

I have been in the situation where a good friend has offered to provide regular childcare/school pick ups and I've declined- very kind of her to offer, but I don't think it's a good idea for various reasons. My friend and I will always cover each other on an occasional or emergency basis, but I would never expect anything more.

FayKorgasm · 28/01/2015 12:28

I had a thread on MN many moons ago about something similar. The parents made out they were working but they weren't, they were using me as free drop off and pick up. I eventually grew a backbone and cut them off. They soon found a new victim.

Scholes34 · 28/01/2015 12:32

Well done, OP. With this kind of thing it always depends on what the mum's like and how well the children get on together.

Over the years I've put myself out to help people where I've wanted to, and accepted help from SAHMs in the holidays where it's been offered (I've never asked), but it's always been where the children have been good friends and I've always had a back up plan should arrangements fall through. In return, I've helped out one of the SAHMs who is now working, which shows favours don't have to be repaid immediately. And I repay a weekly round trip to sports training for two of my DC with less frequent long distance trips to matches.

Original poster

shebird · 28/01/2015 15:06

Well she replied 'oh no, I'm really stuck today, I hate to ask but could they come to the with you to the class (: xxxx' and taking your advice I simply said -'No this won't work for us, try after school club maybe :)'. The absolute bloody cheek! I am waiting see which of the other mums has now been lumbered with this although I suspect she is running out of candidates.

What is wrong with some people.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2015 15:19

Well handled!

EdSheeran · 28/01/2015 15:23

Well done shebird, you go, girl!

FayKorgasm · 28/01/2015 15:23

Well done shebird the cheeky article is well versed in a bit of emotional blackmail. These types of people always seem to find another victim person to give free childcare.

CatThiefKeith · 28/01/2015 15:24

What is wrong with these people?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 28/01/2015 15:25

I love your response

MrsTawdry · 28/01/2015 15:27

I provide this service op but it's because the parents in question load me with offers of lifts as I don't drive. it's reciprocal. You need to text her in advance and say "Busy all week so can't look after X....the next few months are loaded up for me too."

She'll get the picure.

FayKorgasm · 28/01/2015 15:28

They don't see what they are doing as wrong CTK. They save money and sure the SAHP is at home anyway.

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