To be tired of trying to keep up with working mums!

[Lottie5]

I am a SAHM of a three year old dd - she will be an "only" child which I do feel horrendously guilty about, which may have some bearing on this.

My issue is that sil has a daughter of exactly the same age and her child seems to have more and more toys and DVDs every time we see her. I've always tried desperately hard to keep up but it's so hard when we are living on one wage - sil and her husband have two wages and free family-provided childcare so can afford much more. I feel awful that the cousin has so much more than dd, especially now dd is starting to notice and ask for things that her cousin has.

Also dd's classmates at pre-school , who have two working parents, all go to lots of activities. I try sending dd to the same things - swimming, ballet, gym etc but it's stretching us so much financially. We haven't had a holiday since she was born either and I feel awful hearing that her friends have been to all sorts of lovely places.

I've never been materialistic at all but I'm feeling really inadequate right now and putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with others. I feel so anxious about dd missing out. How on earth do I get myself out of this ridiculous mindset?!

I envy your not having to work.

I am in a similar position as you. I personally wanted to be a SAHM for various reasons and we have so far managed this, although we have to be very careful with budget and go without a lot of things other families with 2 working parents seem to have. It is my choice and I am happy with my decision. Will review it when they are older.
If you asked my kids, they would probably say they would prefer me to work so that they had more things. (ie. they frequently mention they are the only children in their year of 60 who have not flown anywhere or been abroad).

OP, a few years ago I worked but had to reduce my hours and therefore got less pay. There were a good few years where after paying for childcare, there was about £200 left out of my wages. Yep, I effectively worked my butt off & had all the guilt at missing things & all the problems with childcare when the kids were sick for £200 per month.

But it was that £200 per month which kept us solvent, kept us able to make ends meet. Now, some years later it has paid off as my children have gotten older I've been able to move my career forwards again.

Had I read your post when I was struggling financially despite both of us going out to work & therefore spending less time with our kids then it would have grated on me immensely.

You really don't realise how fortunate you are. To change your mind set you need to focus on what you have rather than what someone else has and if you can't do that, then you'll just have to make a choice like millions of others do between having more time with your kids or more income.

Lottie I wish I could give my children what they need.

They need me at school plays, sports day and many other school related things.
They need me to be home on Christmas day, to wake up on their birthdays with them.

As a working mother I can't always get these important dates off.

Tbh 3 year olds dont need dance classes, swimming lessons or loads and loads of toys. They only concentrate on a few anyway.

Dont compare to others. As long as you are happy as a family, who cares what they are spending their money on.

Everyone makes sacrifices. I work and don't see my children as much.
You don't work but have the benefit of lots of time to do free activities and they benefit from your individual attention. There's no right way.

If you want better holidays and belongings either your partner gets a better paid job or you also start to earn money by working or developing your own business?

Yes to a certain extent toys are important. My DD had too many and we got rid. She doenst play with them much.

Experiences are just as important if not more so. Quality not quantity.

If you read a reputable child/parenting book I think you will find the emphasis is not on posessions. You may also find this useful. Stop comparing you will make yourself ill. Standby your choices, what you chose not others - everyones situation is so infinately different that you cannot compare like for like ever. Just stop here is my link:

www.becomingminimalist.com/why-fewer-toys-will-actually-benefit-your-kids/

and this..

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24759728

I suspect the differences in experience between wealthy families and not wealthy families matters little in the early years.

But as time marches on the differences in experiences and opportunities grows markedly!

Your DD will remember spending time with her mum, much more than having the latest Frozen doll or DVD. Enjoy the time you have with her while she's still pre-school. If you still think this way when she's at school maybe you could consider a PT job.

I have a friend who once complained that I spend too much time playing with my DS. I struggle to think of a single person in the public eye who says, 'I had a terrible upbringing. My parents spent too much time with me'. Your DD is very lucky.

As for trips and clubs does your DD hanker after them, or would she be just as happy with Mummy playing dolls on the carpet, doing crafts, or having a nice story? And there are plenty of family things you can do for free... walks in the woods, beach, treasure hunts etc. All more fun than theme parks imo.

Op there really are ways and means round nearly everything you need to start thinking creatively and making things work for you.

But as time marches on the differences in experiences and opportunities grows markedly!

Yes but even then, some wealthy families don't value education and are happy to send dc to crap local school, but they may go on lots of fancy hols and have latest gadgets...I have relis like this and I don't even see them as rich. I see their kids on those water bike things on hols in Ejpyt or doing other stuff like that, but I don't feel sorry one iota for my DC.

Other wealthy families are all about education and wont go on fancy hols or have latest gadgets and some will do all.
People spend their money in so many different ways, its impossible to compare.

In fact was discussing possibility of getting some sort of pad or x box or wii this xmas for dd ...doing that now in Jan, so can target any offers, deals, local paper ads, ebay for something....

Op my DD says she wants a phone as some dc have a phone. But she always mentions loads of other things too she doesnt have like minefield stuff....but as I have explained to her, the same goes for what she has and her friends wont..like nice play house, they may have trampoline....

I agree with everyone who says time is more important than stuff.
She needs a few toys yes but not everything.
I also don't think a 3 yr old needs many activities.
Why don't you teach her to swim and save the money towards a break?

Don't put pressure in yourself and don't compare your situation to others. You've made your choices for a reason. Have confidence in those reasons.

There are so many things your kids could have, the list is endless!! Everyone will have hard first experiences - learning to scoot or bike ride or or read or use a computer or playing a musical instrument. How are the adults laughing at your child's first experience of a scooter? If it's an unkind laugh, then you need to point out to the adults that they are being unkind and humiliating DD. If it's a endearing laugh, then that's fine and normal. I think the problem is likely to be with all the adults attitudes (including yourself) and not DD taking on new skills. I suspect you are falling into competitive parenting territory and that's quite a shallow meaningless place to be.

There are always going to be children who have more than your DD and children who have less. She will learn that eventually, and that she can't have everything she asks for. You make your best choices and have to stand by them.
I have to admit that one of the reasons I have always sponsored children through PLAN is to give my own kids a bit of perspective when they were tempted to sulk about not having the latest shiniest whatever it was I couldn't afford.

I think its great to train them up while young to have realistic and practical financial expectations. Overindulgence often leads to brats

"Comparison is the thief of joy" I'm not sure who said it but it's a good quote that I have to say to myself sometimes.