To be tired of trying to keep up with working mums!

[Lottie5]

I am a SAHM of a three year old dd - she will be an "only" child which I do feel horrendously guilty about, which may have some bearing on this.

My issue is that sil has a daughter of exactly the same age and her child seems to have more and more toys and DVDs every time we see her. I've always tried desperately hard to keep up but it's so hard when we are living on one wage - sil and her husband have two wages and free family-provided childcare so can afford much more. I feel awful that the cousin has so much more than dd, especially now dd is starting to notice and ask for things that her cousin has.

Also dd's classmates at pre-school , who have two working parents, all go to lots of activities. I try sending dd to the same things - swimming, ballet, gym etc but it's stretching us so much financially. We haven't had a holiday since she was born either and I feel awful hearing that her friends have been to all sorts of lovely places.

I've never been materialistic at all but I'm feeling really inadequate right now and putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with others. I feel so anxious about dd missing out. How on earth do I get myself out of this ridiculous mindset?!

i worked evenings/weekends when dc were little. Then went to school hours. It's a trade off really.

When DD1 was a toddler she was in Nursery FT 9-6pm every day ( I was studying/working FT - money wasn't a problem) Occasionally I'd have to take her to a nearby town on a Sat to get papers out of their university library. I used to stick her in a pushchair (even at 4!) and bribe her to be silent in the library with lollipops... and feel incredibly guilty. After I'd usually buy her a treat in the shops for being 'so good' and take her out to eat somewhere nice.
One day the weather was glorious, so I bought sandwiches and drinks and we went to the beach for a 'picnic' before we went to get her treat. Parked up on the grass we sat on a blanket, eating our sandwiches.

Then two posh 4x4s turned up, out came one (loud) family - mother, father and 2 children. A boy (7ish) and a girl (10ish). The boy and his father got a kite buggy out (probably cos the best part of £1k if not more) but it wasn't really windy enough. The boy was being really stroppy about it -it wasn't set up right, it wasn't the right thing etc. The girl had some electronic device, ignored her mother. Then the mum drove off in one car - the girl wouldn't go with her - and came back with Macdonalds (nearest Macdonalds was a 25+ mile round trip away). Another faff with the kite buggy, the father and son were shouting at each other. They loaded up and left. I didn't watch them the whole time or anything but they didn't seem like a happy family - although they obviously had expensive things and the burger trip made me think at least some kind of guilt might be involved.
After our picnic we went for a walk on the beach, a paddle and had a play around with a football -spent the rest of the day there, had a lovely time. She didn't get her treat - she didn't ask for her treat. That family made me decide then not to ever buy her 'things' purely because I felt guilty. There really are somethings that money can't buy.
I hope that makes some sort of sense...

We have plenty of money and lots of stuff. Our kids don't really appreciate it as they haven't ever known different. They still look at what very rich kids have and want some of that. Not in a particularly demanding and grasping way, just the way adults do. Most people aren't satisfied with what they have as they spend up to their means all the time so always feel a bit poorer than they should.

I wouldn't worry about it, but if money's tight start thinking about how you're going to get back to earning when she starts school.

That's nice Lottie, thanks.

You feeling better now OP? When you fall into that trap of comparing yourself to others it's easy to feel down. I gave up work 6 months ago, and while we've had to give up things like naice holidays, it's been worth it. We're all much happier. We have time together, and less stress.

You sound great OP - she'll be fine.

I agree unlucky. The more stuff and treats you provide, the more moaning and complaining there is. Nothing is special or nice anymore.

I'm a sahm and think I'm quite happy with the compromise that we have less cash but more time. I don't think dd/ds would notice what friends at pre school were doing, probably more that you are? I've heard the phrase 'cash rich and time poor' I prefer 'time rich and cash poor' for the moment.

Op, the thing is all most parents everywhere feel that in some way they're letting their dc down. It's the parental guilts, it happens to us all.
The pp who said try to relax and enjoy your time with dd were right. I look back at things I worried about and wish I could go back in time and give myself a shake and say chill out.
There is nothing wrong with wanting things like a holiday though.

Do you want to go back to work ? Do you think you're start to get the itch ?

I am SAHM so my children don't have everything they desire. If I had all the money in the world, they still wouldn't have everything they asked for. What type of children would I have in my hands there. It wouldn't be pleasant!
It's a lifestyle choice for me to be at home. We have chosen this path so that every nativity, parent assembly, harvest festival, weekly reading, school pickup etc.. I can be there for them. Every week without fail my DS' best friend sits with us for reading and says wistfully he wishes his mum could come too. The trade off for being there for my kids is that we have no spare money for trampolines or xboxes. I would rather give them my time than my money.

You could always go to work, little point in moaning that those who work have more money than you when you don't have a job. If you don't want to pay childcare, them work nights or weekends as lots of parents do.

It doesn't have to be time vs money, it's perfectly possible to do both.

At 3 years old they really do not care about "stuff". My 3 year old got really spoilt this Christmas but she barely looks at half the things she has, she is much more content to be role playing with a couple of cheap princess figurines and we have spent hours with the princesses discussing what they want for dinner and other important matters. All they want at that age is your time and undivided attention.

Great post violetta which I think is the answer to the OP's question How do I get out of this ridiculous mindset? Those principles apply whether you have one income or two.

I think having a same age cousin is just tricky on the comparison side, although there is the potential for friendship as they grow older (my same age cousin was my best friend all through my childhood) which is nice, especially for an only child.

Stuff though is just stuff. Most of it fairly irrelevant really. The more there is the less each thing will be played with and the quicker forgotten. I can totally understand that if you can't have things it is very different to choosing not to, and it sounds like right now choices for you may be a bit limited, and that might be your underlying unhappiness.

Really try not to compete though. Focus on your child and what they love and are interested in and support and develop that. You may well find that actually she gets as much happiness from little silly things that cost very little. A pre-schooler really doesn't need activities, and probably doesn't really care about holidays either (although you may!) especially if they have you all the time. As a working parent holidays are important partly because you don't spend so much time together, and the activities and toys may be partly compensation/guilt relievers for the working parents too.

Try focusing on the here and now pleasures of life with your dd and think less about the things you don't have/are worried about and you will probably feel much more cheerful and realise that your daughter is really having a great childhood.

Oh and maybe read the thread about the obsessions with silly things - I think it's called my dd loves sequins or something like that. Small children often get the most pleasure from the simplest of things

My Sister doesn't have to work, has a much bigger/nicer house than us in a better area, goes out a lot, can afford pretty much whatever she wants, has a decent pension plan in place.

I don't compare myself because I would feel pretty miserable.

If it makes you miserable, do something. Go and get a job. Remember though, you will then be time poor and feeling guilty about that...

Thanks Violetta - yes we do all the free things that you mentioned and have lots of fun together and she seems happiest outdoors making up games with me. What you say is very very true. I think when it's just the two of us it doesn't bother me it's just when I'm with sil and her daughter and when I see dd with her cousin, I feel for her because the cousin bosses her around and gives her toys she has never seen before and doesn't really know what to do with. The cousin had been whizzing around on a ride on toy that dd had never had and when dd tried to use it she fell off and everyone laughed. I felt so bad for her I bought her a second hand one to "train" her so that next time she wouldn't feel so foolish. Obviously she didn't know that's why she'd got one but I think some of you may be right in saying that if I behave as if these things aren't important then she will take that attitude on board too.

Honestly, I do understand, OP. We are a one income family, and it is a fairly low income for the area we live in. I constantly feel guilty and struggle with whether the things my kids miss out on (swimming, music lessons, after school clubs, holidays) are made up for by the fact that I am around more in the day and able to attend school assemblies, plays, pick them up from school (I have a baby at home too) and I honestly don't know. Perhaps I am being selfish because I love beings to home with my babies but then I am depriving them of experiences because money is so tight.

You choose not to work, you choose to earn less and to afford less. If you're that bothered about having stuff, get a job.

Being happy isn't about how much stuff you have. If it you really think it is then you need to get a job. But don't forget, however much money you have there is always someone with more than you - someone with a bigger house, with more houses, with a better car, with more cars, going on a better holiday, going on more holidays etc etc. Put your kids in an expensive school in London and you soon see this - yachts, ponies, private jets competitively ostentatious birthday parties. Are those people any happier? Probably just as discontented if not even more so in their own way. If possessions are what make you happy then you are on a hiding to nothing.

I've been back at work for a little over a year since my youngest started school full time. I was a SAHM until then.
I understand where you are coming from, I know the feeling well (from both sides) I found that doing little things with my DD's helped. we had (no longer do) a fab children's library which did free fun sessions. I took them to dancing tots group, all things that didn't cost much or were free. Is there anything in your area where you can access things similar.

One of the things my eldest loved to play with was a Ninja turtle lair which we built and painted ourselves, we even made some furniture. Dh had the turtle figures left from when he was a child. In fact DD2 (5yo) still plays with this. We also made a princess castle and made saving the yogurt pots, toilet rolls, match boxes etc a game as well and had a specific box to collect them in. Good fun and free.

I started back at work full time an hated it, I missed the time with my girls, I now do part time (until 2pm) which allows me to pick them up from school. We have no childcare to pay for this way but I can still work.

If you want to could you look for a part time job, even a couple of hours for a couple of days a week would give you extra money for little treats like a cake in a café while you have a posh coffee.

Being a SAHM is not to be sniffed at (I'm not suggesting you are BTW). You are in a very enviable position and no amount of money, toys, classes will be as beneficial to your DC than your time.

Also I am not knocking WOHM parents. I enjoy being able to work. I can see both sides and each one has its pros and cons.

I think we're all under enormous pressure to fill every moment of our children's time with activities and 'stuff'. Somewhere along the line we've picked up the idea that parents are failing unless the kids are constantly at clubs.
It's not true though. It's okay not to have constant things on the go and for kids to just chill at home with their families and make their own entertainment.
You have to make a conscious choice to opt out of being competitive and accept that some people will have more money than you and will choose different things.

OP, there will always be kids who have more than ours.

Parents who can give their DC more toys.
Parents who can give their DC more opportunities.
Parents who can give their DC a better education.
Parents who can give their DC more knowledge...

It's endless.

What you have to do is prioritise what you want to give your DC. What are the non-negotiables.

If you currently cannot do that, then get a job.

Lottie I am a sahm too and I have got so much stuff for dd for free...

There has never been a noticeable difference in what she and other working parents friends /relatives have.

Join your local freecyle, I have got tons of toys through mine, mini trampoline, little tikes play house, loads of tikes stuff, bags of dressing up, dolls house, dolls, push chairs, literally tons of stuff, all for free!

Then charity shops and car boots...they cost 50p or a pound to attend and you can pick up amazing stuff - like piano and key board - 40 in shop, I got for £4 ! Loads of bargains, books, toys, and so on.

Apologies if all above mentioned already.

Unless your on outer hebrides, there is no need for your child to be so without.