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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of trying to keep up with working mums!

116 replies

Lottie5 · 27/01/2015 20:36

I am a SAHM of a three year old dd - she will be an "only" child which I do feel horrendously guilty about, which may have some bearing on this.

My issue is that sil has a daughter of exactly the same age and her child seems to have more and more toys and DVDs every time we see her. I've always tried desperately hard to keep up but it's so hard when we are living on one wage - sil and her husband have two wages and free family-provided childcare so can afford much more. I feel awful that the cousin has so much more than dd, especially now dd is starting to notice and ask for things that her cousin has.

Also dd's classmates at pre-school , who have two working parents, all go to lots of activities. I try sending dd to the same things - swimming, ballet, gym etc but it's stretching us so much financially. We haven't had a holiday since she was born either and I feel awful hearing that her friends have been to all sorts of lovely places.

I've never been materialistic at all but I'm feeling really inadequate right now and putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with others. I feel so anxious about dd missing out. How on earth do I get myself out of this ridiculous mindset?!

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/01/2015 20:52

I am a "working mum"
Sometimes I feel sad/ anxious that my children will miss out on things we can't afford, but that other, higher earners can.
Amd sometimes I feel guilty about the things we can afford which lower earners cannot.
And sometimes I feel guilty about using childcare.
And sometimes I feel sad that I don't see more of my children
And sometimes I feel sad that I haven't had a moment's peace Grin
Aren't we just all mostly doing our best. There will always be differences.
Are you ok?

grandmainmypocket · 27/01/2015 20:53

I'm a single mum with only one income in our family. I understand it can hurt when your kids want things you can't afford. But one thing I've realised is my dc isn't missing out. Kids always want more. No matter how much they have. It's about making the smallest things exciting.

Original poster
Lottie5 · 27/01/2015 20:54

Wow Ridingthestorm - that's a really beautiful post x

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 27/01/2015 20:55

This has nothing to do with two income families or WOHM - some people will have more disposable income than you regardless of circumstance.

And if you think it's bad at 3, try waiting until she's asking for an iphone, ipad, new clothes, new trainers, new bike, gaming console, skiing trip, driving lessons...

LaurieFairyCake · 27/01/2015 20:55

What she needs is free

So give her that and be grateful for this time with her as I assume you'll be back at work once she goes to school

Artandco · 27/01/2015 20:56

They don't need all of that stuff though. We can afford most of that stuff but would never occur to me to just buy it. We only buy that stuff at birthdays and Xmas and even then they only get one main gift and a couple of small ones.
Nobody needs all that stuff.

notonyourninny · 27/01/2015 20:56

Shes 3, nip it in the bud now. I have a 13 year old. Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 27/01/2015 20:57

OP, one of the joys of being a sahp is that you can teach your dc the value of money and not keeping up with peer pressure or the Jones's. Unless you are rich and/or work then you won't be able to keep up.
Why not teach her that you can't have everything you want and being an individual is more important than following like a sheep.
Stuff is just baggage and you are offering her far more than this. Thanks for you.

FlossyMoo · 27/01/2015 20:58

This is the second be nice to me or you are a meanie thread I have seen in the last hour Hmm

OP your DD needs food, warmth and love, everything else is an adults idea of what she needs. If you are happy and she is happy then that is what matters.

Stuff is just that, stuff. Toys she will soon forget about and activities will be a thing of the past as she grows. What she will remember is that she was cared for.

JohnCusacksWife · 27/01/2015 20:59

Money or time....you can't have both. You have to decide which is your priority, go with that and stop comparing yourself to others. That only ever leads to dissatisfaction.

Original poster
Lottie5 · 27/01/2015 21:00

Is it really that unreasonable to ask people to be nice?!!!! Shock

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 27/01/2015 21:00

Yes, WOHM can never teach their children the value of money. Hmm

Takingthemickey · 27/01/2015 21:00

More than but working parents can also teach their DC the value of money right or is that just reserved for sahps?

Altinkum · 27/01/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noblegiraffe · 27/01/2015 21:01

My DS has a billion toys but still wants whatever his mates have when he goes around their house. Nothing to do with not having enough. His best friend usually ends up getting what DS has for Xmas and vice versa so the envy works both ways.

FlossyMoo · 27/01/2015 21:02

You posted on an open forum. As long as people do not personally attack you then you have to accept that some will think YABU and they will state why. That may come across as harsh to you OP but you did ask. Deal with it or don't aske a bunch of strangers you don't know.

FaFoutis · 27/01/2015 21:03

I think holidays are in a different category to toys.
I work for holidays, to show my children the world and to give them new experiences.

Ubik1 · 27/01/2015 21:04

Quite a lot of people find it hard to work due to cost of childcare.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/01/2015 21:05

Bloody hell, you can't say anything on here atm.
NO not only sahps can teach their dc abut the value of money.
As the OP is talking about not having much for her dd, it seems a good time to start educating her, the same as a wohp would/does have to in the same position.

Original poster
Lottie5 · 27/01/2015 21:07

Flossy moo - asking people to be nice and respectful is not the same as demanding that everyone agrees with you!!! The question was - how to get out of a destructive mindset and I've had lots of helpful responses that I will happily take on board.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 27/01/2015 21:08

Sorry, forgot to say and the OP happens to be a sahp.

dementedma · 27/01/2015 21:08

If you have this issue with a 3 year old, God help you.
You do really need to get on top of this now. She has a loving mum at home, plenty of toys and activities. Are you sure she wants more, or you want her to have more? Keeping up with the other kids just gets worse and worse as they get older. Ds is 13 tomorrow. He wanted a Superdry jacket because his friends have one. £75!!!! He won't be getting one. I can't afford it, and object to being ripped off on principle. He is getting a superdry T-shirt as a compromise ( which is still a rip off) but which will hopefully b cool enough. If not, tough!

Spincyclist · 27/01/2015 21:09

OP at only 3 I wonder if you are either projecting your own want for more toys onto your DD, or she is picking up on your feelings and wanting the toys because she sees your own feelings about not buying them? Do you say to your SIL that you wish you couldget/do more for DD? She is old enough to listen in on adult conversation but young still for pester power.

cultivate a nice positive attitude to the fact that you have time together, to help her appreciate it too. Cardboard boxes and sticks are meant to be the best toys.

redrubyindigo · 27/01/2015 21:09

You give a child a wrapped expensive toy and they play with the box.

That is life.

Nothing is right or wrong. What is a SAHM to some children is stifling and they love nursery and the freedom. Some just want their parents before venturing out in the world and need them close.

Most dc's like an adventure in small steps and some big steps

Some parents go stir crazy at home with a kid all day and some love it and do all sorts of potato painting and crafts.

Take a dual cue from yourself and your dc and work out what makes you both happy.

One morning or more a week in childcare could pay dividends for both of you. Step it up or down as required.

Stuff doesn't matter.

You will be ok matey.

Crunchybadger · 27/01/2015 21:09

Perhaps you could explore why you feel guilty about your DD being an only kid?

My DD is an only child and I don't feel guilty at all. Partly cos my experience of siblings was pretty crap and partly cos I know absolutely for my sanity I'm not having another.

If you're thinking that buying stuff or experiences will make up in some way for no siblings then you risk destabilising your DD's own values. Saying "no" or "we can't afford it" or "we don't need it" is perfectly acceptable for a 3 year old. Plus I use "no, sorry, it's too expensive" as an excuse for stuff I don't want my DD to have (like shitty princess magazines) and she is quite happy to accept that. Obvs once she can read prices it might change things.

Some of the saddest kids I've seen are the ones bombarded with stuff as a substitute for love. Fuck that. And sure, activities might be fun, but isn't that more about hanging out with other kids, which your DD does anyway? The "but we took you to stately homes" thread is a good read for evidence that giving your kids experiences is no substitute for, you know, just loving them.

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