To be tired of trying to keep up with working mums!

[Lottie5]

I am a SAHM of a three year old dd - she will be an "only" child which I do feel horrendously guilty about, which may have some bearing on this.

My issue is that sil has a daughter of exactly the same age and her child seems to have more and more toys and DVDs every time we see her. I've always tried desperately hard to keep up but it's so hard when we are living on one wage - sil and her husband have two wages and free family-provided childcare so can afford much more. I feel awful that the cousin has so much more than dd, especially now dd is starting to notice and ask for things that her cousin has.

Also dd's classmates at pre-school , who have two working parents, all go to lots of activities. I try sending dd to the same things - swimming, ballet, gym etc but it's stretching us so much financially. We haven't had a holiday since she was born either and I feel awful hearing that her friends have been to all sorts of lovely places.

I've never been materialistic at all but I'm feeling really inadequate right now and putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with others. I feel so anxious about dd missing out. How on earth do I get myself out of this ridiculous mindset?!

Lottie

My dsis buys everything for her dd who is a few years older than my dd.
We are lucky that anything good gets passed down to dd, she has been given clothes and shoes that have never been worn as neice has so many.
Not saying if she's wohp or sahp.

I don't get why you can't work. Are you a single parent? You could work weekends, evenings if you chose? Does your dd get her free 15 hours?

Lottie, it doesn't matter how well off you are or how much you can afford, there will always be someone you know with more than you have. The important thing is to teach your child to value themself for what they ARE and not what they HAVE.

You need to train yourself to not care what the next person has. Do it now while you child is young and pass it on.
God knows I've screwed up many many times as a parent but one of the few things I've got right is being happy with what we have and passing that onto the DC's. On the whole (with the occasional exception) they don't mither for the latest greatest stuff - they save birthday or Christmas money, do jobs and errands for extra spence etc, they don't mind secondhand clothes or my latest charity shop find.
If you learn to not care and not compare then your child will

This is ridiculous imho. I am a working mum, my partner works, so we have 2 incomes, and I get childcare from family. I was a SAHM for 4 years! However, I went back to work for my sanity - to stop me climbing the walls. DDs are 7 and 2 and another on the way.

We don't have much spare money at all, me and DP are on very low incomes. Both DC have enough, but not to the point they are spoilt. I don't buy things just for the sake of them having the newest thing out, they wait until birthday or Christmas for any sort of gift. Unless for good behaviour/school report which isn't often.

My sister however, who also has a 7 year old, has spoilt her DD. My DD asks for the things her cousin has and I just tell her we don't have much money so she should write it down for her Christmas list.

I have done this from the age of 3. She appreciates everything she has - whether it be new, second hand, worth £50 or worth 50p.

Would you rather have a child growing up thinking they can get everything they want with a click of the fingers or a child that appreciates any gift and the value of money?

I work 9-2 in term time now DS is at school. Fits inside the school run.

The money pays for independent school fees, extracurricular activities and a few extra toys.

Maybe you could plan how to get a term time only job for when DD is at school so then you can have some extras.

Your daughter is old enough to learn that you cannot afford everything she wants. This is a healthy lesson to learn, and will give her a better start in life than simply being given whatever she asks for.

there are single income families that have tons more than my 2 income family - surely how much is dependent on the income - if you have one wahe earner on £80k that is more than 2 incomes of £20k - it's all relative - you are lucky your wage earner earns enough for you to have a choice - if this is not enough for you you have the option of going back to work - some / many double income families don't have the extra cash and can't increase their income without takon second jobs and running themselves in to the ground whilst missing all the precious moments.

it's hard finding the balance but once you find yours don't compare to others

A quote for you. From Stevie Wonder .

"The two big advantages I had at birth were to have been born wise and to have been born poor."

Not that you are poor but you get the gist.

The working or stay at home dilemma has always been tough. When i worked i was told i wasnt 'committed' to my child. When i became a stay home mum to two of them, i was frowned on for not working. You will never win. As long as your child is happy and so are you this is all that shoud matter. Its hard if others seem to have more, but thats life and I am sure your little one will be fine. Things change too, once they are at school you could think about finding something then. Its not easy without back up with childcare though, i totally understánd how you feel! I am sure your doing a great job.

I think you need to get this in perspective. They grow out of these toys so quickly that plenty can be got for next to nothing on ebay.

Would you really rather your DD had more toys but spent long hours without you?

As for clubs etc most of them are a complete waste of time and money at that age. Much better to wait until they go to school and start to develop a particular interest.

IME children who have loads of toys/DVDs/ipads etc are expected to use them (and not bother their exhausted parents)

You won't regret your choice when you look back. My DD (13) and I often have a laugh at the things we used to do. She remembers things like counting and singing the months of the year/days of the week while on the swings in the park, having tea parties with her dolls and bears, trips on the bus and train to distant markets, doing the charity shops etc in the different places we've lived.

Her only memory of one playgroup is of being punched in the face by another kid, and having to run away from her all the time!

Working mum, lone parent - my DS gets neither my time nor my money as it all goes on keeping a roof over his head.

He totally gets that he can't have what all his friends have and is delightful. He understands money, saves etc.

OP enjoy your time as you are very very lucky. Don't ruin it by thinking about who has what - your DC has two parents and is surrounded by live

Love

Me and DH have a DS who is 10m old and DH is adamant he will be an only child. His reasoning for this is because he wants to make sure DS will never go without, they he can lots of nice toys and clothes and nice holidays etc, all things we probably wouldn't be able to afford if we were to have another child.

I don't know what to say to his argument. In a way I agree but I can't imagine only having one child.

OP - you are obviously feeling done degree of guilt because you can afford to buy x, y and z and I can see why as a parent you'd want to be able to give your child as much as you can so YANBU for feeling this way. As has been said though by many posters, three year olds are fickle, toys are just toys, their interests and wants change from day to day so stop worrying about how fulfilled you think she is or isn't. I'm sure she's a very happy little girl and the one to one time you get with her is probably something a lot of other parents would be envious of.

When I look back on my childhood I know I had a good one but apart from holidays I have no memories of spending time with my mom. I can recall specific occasions. I.e birthdays, hospital admissions, and the roles she played but actual day to day, mundane life memories of my mom I honestly don't have any. I have lots of memories of things I did with the childminders though....

I know my mom had to work but it would have been nice to have spent more time with her and make memories together.

Embrace the time you have because when she's older her fond memories will all centre around you, not what toys she had.

Both my parents worked and I can honestly say I never felt that I missed out on having time with them.

They made lots of time for me, we were always doing stuff and it was quite nice having a break away from them during the day. Had more to say to each other after!

Then on the other hand I definitely remember the nice holidays and all the stuff. Oh how I loved the stuff

DH however was raised with a sahm, so he'd quite like to be a sahd to dd (and hopefully others) which is fair enough.

Either way you have children that feel loved so why bother stressing yourself over it.

Altinkum
Wow! I'll just give your medals a quick polish.
Are you really that smug and boastful in RL?

There will always be people who have more than you, whether working or not.

You need to decide what is enough for you and your family, what is achievable given your priorities and then work towards making that happen.

If you want to make yourself unhappy, constant comparison with others will achieve that

To quote Theodore Roosevelt
"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Your time and attention are more valuable to your child than stuff.

Like pp has said, there'll always be children who have more toys/do more expensive activities than your dd and in my experience it doesn't always correlate to income.
It's normal for your dd to want what other kids have in the same way mine do and ask for everything shown on the channel 5 adverts! But it's also good for her to learn the lesson that you can't always have what you want/what others have got, and it's good for you to model to her contentment and not feeling envious of others or being down on yourself.

Thank you all for the friendly wake up call and for taking the time to understand and advise. I see a lot of unnecessary harshness in this forum and I've been very lucky to have received the responses I've got. Olgaga and writer wannabe your words were particularly moving and will stay with me so thank you.

Stop comparing yourself to others.

My DD is an only, living on one low ish wage. She is allowed one activity that costs money and gets the odd book etc but for us toys are for xmas/bdays/instead of Easter egg. I assumed that is pretty normal/lucky.

The best things in life are free. Time with family, friends, reading a book together, baking and eating a cake together, paddling in streams, building dens on countryside walks, picnics in the park, hot chocolate while snuggled up together watching a film. You have warmth, food, love, shelter, time ....

We are fed a lie. We are taught to believe that material possessions will make us happy. We then spend lots of money keeping up with the joneses and cluttering our living spaces. Lots of physical clutter can carry a certain weight mentally.

There will always be someone richer then you! Decide which stance you will hold. Either choose to treasure and enjoy your time with DD or choose to let the green eyed monster taint things. In reality you have so much more then many many poor people.

You mention that your DD wants a scooter and trampoline. In ten years she will want an iphone and various games platforms too. From what I can see, kids who are given lots and lots of instant items willy nilly develop a sense of entitlement without really knowing the true value or cost of the items. Having to wait till Christmas/birthdays and asking relatives to club Christmas/birthday cash together towards one longed for item is a positive thing.

Despite my DS's not having much, they have some well chosen well loved toys. They really value and appreciate what they have. They also value experiences above objects and they love to reminisce and reflect. At the moment they would really like to have iPhones. They don't care that much though and get lots of joy from other items.

Its hard to not have the money to provide things for your children if your are working or a sahm. I can't afford childcare so work evenings and weekends. Could you try that op? Or maybe sell from home/avon type thing? If not just try and focus on what you can do cheaply, game nights/pic nics etc.