Aibu to regret having my newborn?

[KittyPurrrs]

I know I am, I just need to get this out. I know I'm horrible. I care about my baby, he's 9 days old I think he's cute but if I could go back 9 months I would never get pregnant. He was much wanted and longed for my whole life and when i met dp I always imagined us having a family together. My Dp is lovely and supportive but he's suffers with depression and I'm trying to take the strain of night feeds etc so he doesn't get depressed, this also means I can't cry in front of him. but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or what I need to do with the baby, I miss my dp and I just want it to be the two of us again, I want to be able to just hold eachother in bed all night and watch TV in the evening or just decide we want to do something together spontaneously. We haven't even been shopping since the baby was born, I haven't left the house (I can't go out without him, and I don't want to either), I just want to be with dp constantly I feel so clingy. Nothing feels the same, and it never will be the same again. I hate it when my dp has to leave the house but I feel like he wants to go out and not just that he has to iyswim and I'm so scared he's going to get tired of everything and want to leave me. I don't know how to get my baby to sleep after a night feed or to stop getting upset and whinny while he sleeps, I don't know what's normal for a baby. I just want to go back to how things were. I can't tell dp any of this as it would make him worry and upset him, I can't tell my family either. I don't have anyone nearby, I live far away from my family and have no friends (social anxiety) I keep getting horrible thoughts and worries that my family and dp are going to die. I do love my baby, I just don't want to be a mum I want my old safe life back and I feel scared and disoriented. Sorry it's such a ramble and I know I sound horrible. I feel sorry for that beautiful baby having me as a mum. Has anyone felt this way?

Just wanted to add to what others have said - this really isn't unusual! I felt the same with DS1. Now he's a (mostly) lovely three year old and it all seems so long ago. It got a little easier with each passing week and month, by six months it was much better, by a year I was really enjoying it. Also I was an emotional wreck for the first few weeks after the birth with both my DCs. At least with DS2 I knew it would end and wasn't scared by it. Really nasty 'baby blues' are much more common than people admit to.

I felt like it got better for other people but I'd be the exception and always feel like it. It was horrendous. I'm actually teary writing this because I will never forget how awful I felt for those first few weeks. it gets better . Get down the gp xx

Poor you, the first few weeks are exhausting and terrifying. It is a matter of months before you will have your evenings back and baby will go to bed early. Are you breast or bottle feeding? If bottle you mustn't feet bad about your dp doing a night feed, it is good for their bonding and you need some sleep too. It gets better really soon he won't be a newborn long.

YANBU at all, you are still adjusting to this new life. I can remember feeling exactly the same as you and thinking is never have time to do anything for me ever again. Of course I wasn't being rational either...babies grow and things DO get easier.
I promise you that a large part of what you are feeling is totally normal, it's also normal to feel emotional and cry. However, if this is getting too much then do speak to your doctor or health visitor for support.
Bless you, it's so hard.
When your baby is a little older then maybe ask a relative to babysit once a month so that you and your DHL can have a date night. Look after yourself xx

I could have written your post after having our daughter, what you're feeling is very, very normal.

I remember that feeling well. DS is 12mo and I still have days when I struggle due to PND.

Just to echo what so many other people have said, it is completely normal to feel this way and it does get better. Talk to your HV and GP, especially if you still feel that you are struggling over the next few weeks as you could have PND.

Not sure if anyone has already mentioned them, but I found PANDAS (www.pandasfoundation.org.uk) to be really helpful. They are a support group for people with PND.

Take care

It's so hard having your first baby and No one fucking warns you , or even admits it!

I recently had major surgery and thought having first baby is like major surgery but you can't even rest afterwards . Hormonal bloody car crash

Hang on in there hopefully you realise you are not alone feeling like this xxxx

I go to a little group for mums and we often discuss stuff like this - I think most of us would admit to feeling like this to some extent when DCs arrived. I remember when DH went back to work after his paternity leave ended, lying on the sofa trying not to have a panic attack because the midwife was due to arrive and I didn't want her to realise that I couldn't cope. I felt so sorry for DS having me as his mum.

Honestly, it gets better quite quickly. I think 3 weeks in was when I started to really enjoy it more, and I felt better too - bleeding stopped, had more energy etc. At about 6 weeks I started to feel like I knew what I was doing, then 12 weeks it rally did get easier and start to be fun! Now we're almost at 6 months and I LOVE being a mum.

Do try to get a little walk each day if you can. Talk to your GP, health visitor etc and see what help they can give. And see if you can find a mums group in your area, or some kind of activity - your health visitor should give you a list at some point, or check the library, community centre or local churches.

I promise it'll get better soon, and you will start to enjoy your little one eventually. In the mean time, keeping putting food in, keep the other end clean, and give as many cuddles as you can, and baby will have all a baby needs!

Why do people not tell you about this part? I'm strangely cheered by the amount of people who have managed to put the feelings that I had when DD was born, into words.

I felt the same, when my lo was 9 days old I was a mess. Newborns are demanding, they give nothing back, soon you get smiles, then giggles, they do new things and amaze you, and you get into some kind of routine. It gets easier, but the first few weeks/months are hard, I want a dc2 but I dread the thought of the newborn weeks again.

It will be ok, the first three months are the hardest. Just hang in there, get out the house once you feel able. Keep cuddling your husband and put the baby down somewhere safe.

In all honesty I'm loving my boys being age 10 plus, they're still gorgeous but more independent.

Looks like all of us here have each suffered through the most massive dose of Buyers Remorse, along with the car-crash hormone dump

I remember sitting on a bed with a cabbage shoved down my bra struggling with a windy baby whom I wasn't sure liked me AT ALL whilst dh sauntered around the place whistling. Thought I was going to lose the plot entirely.

You are a normal and loving new mum, congratulations. It gets better (or we'd all only do it once!!)

Oh mate it's ok I was the same I called her annoying to my mum when she was 2weeks and my mum got all u p set!! They are annoying and so so tiring the best thing I did was go to a breast feeding group at 4 weeks it's saved my live I met other people who all left the same and we cried laughed and ate cake together please talk to your midwife so m one will help xxxx

This all sounds so absolutely normal. Please don't beat yourself up. Your body has just been through a big ordeal. And the way you are feeling is probably down to your hormones and in a few weeks (or even days maybe) you'll start to see the fog lifting. I remember feeling this way with both mine, and it did pass... Good luck.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of "it's totally normal".

I had a massive freak out before DS arrived, basically an identity crisis, going from my reasonably senior respeced career to being a "mum" and not knowing how to do it. I remember saying to DH "I just want to go back to work" and him responding "you know if you go back to work it won't stop the baby arriving?!"

The first 3 weeks were hellish and I thought we'd made a terrible mistake. More than once I leant over the moses basket and said "what the FUCK do you want?!" Poor DS! I was just so fucking tired and felt so out of my depth.

After 3 weeks it started to feel not enjoyable, but manageable. After 6 weeks it started to feel a bit enjoyable. Now DS is 9 and a bit weeks and it feels enjoyable, though still draining and repetitve. He smiles and does something a bit different every day & we are pretty fascinated & besotted with him. (Hope this helps ... I remember feeling at day 10 that the magical 6 week mark was soooo far away).

(I still have my moments - I had massive crying fit the other day because I couldn't get the swaddle done propely and NO I HAD TO DO IT and NO DH COULDN'T HELP Sleep deprivation is a bitch and a half, even if yu feel you can't offload to your DP (and I think that's a bit shit) at least try yo arrange it so that he watches the baby while you get some extra sleep... it really makes all the difference.

If you want to then head over to the January postnatal thread. It's a great support. I am currently sat up with Dd asleep in my arms as she won't be put down in her Moses basket.
I felt the exact same with my Ds (now 13 months) and still chose to have Dd so close. I didn't believe people when they said that it gets easier, but this time around the one thing keeping me going is knowing that it gets easier and Ds is proof of that. Ds has various allergies etc so it was 4 months that was the turning point with him, I am hoping Dd is going to have her turning point earlier than that ( to be honest, just her allowing me to put her down consistently would be good).
I agree with other posters though, you have to talk. I felt like such a failure talking to my health visitor about it, but in the end was so glad that I did. She checked back on my regularly and it was great to have that support.

I understand, too OP. After DS1 was born, I just wanted to be able to press 'pause' and return to my old life for a little while. Just to have a sleep, or a bath, or a cuddle with DH... anything. I loved my baby but it was such hard work it was overwhelming. I thought I must be doing everything wrong because it couldn't be normal for things to be so hard, and I felt sorry for DS to have landed such a rubbish mum.
But... it does pass. Little by little it will get easier, I promise. I have 3 DC now and the second and third ones were a breeze compared to those first few months with DS1!
Hang on in there, it's early days and it will get better xxx

Hello everyone, wow I honestly can't believe how many people have been through the same thing I had no idea what I was in for. I knew it would be difficult and tiring but motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks nobody warned me. Thank you all for your support and reassurance I haven't had a chance to come back before now, there's no time between feeds and taking care of Ds, but I have read through your messages now and Im starting to feel less scared, I'm going to keep reading them through though because my mind is like a sieve and I can't concentrate so being able to read through your experiences when I'm feeling desperate will hopefully reassure me when I'm feeling my worst. I just can't believe how clingy I am to dp, but he doesn't understand, he wants to go for a night out tonight and I'm so worried, im terrified he'll be killed or something and I don't want to be left alone with Ds all day and all night but I don't want dp to get depressed or think I'm trying to control him. I am bottle feeding but doing all the night feed cos I don't want Dp to get too tired because of his depression. I can't really get out to classes because of my anxiety so will have to try and get out and about for little outings with dp and Ds. I tried telling my mum on the phone how I was feeling but she didn't really understand, she said she didn't feel that way with any of her babies and when I tell dp he just tells me I'm doing great and everything's fine, but that's because I feel ok when he is here. When he isn't i don't feel like I know what to do and I'm so lonely

Hey Kitty. I emailed you back. Did you see your HV yet?

Glad you're feeling better, Kitty, but it really does sound like you need to get some more help to really get on top of things. Have you seen your HV?

FWIW, sertraline did WONDERS for my crippling post-natal anxiety.

Just to say I can also remember the clingyness to DH too. I dreaded him going back to work but actually it was ok and I me and DD found our own routine. I do remember being desperate to hand her over the minute he got home though - I would run a bath and wallow for half an hour just to get some space. The clingyness is totally understandable if you think about it - you and your newborn are very vulnerable right now and you want your DH to be there to protect you. I do think you are trying to protect him too much though. Surely it wouldn't hurt for him to do the odd night feed? He might actually enjoy the opportunity to bond with your DS?
Wishing you all the best.

OP - In total honesty, I actually think it's your DP that is the problem here. I know you love him and don't want to hear that, but he is making things so much worse. He doesn't have to have malicious intentions in order to do that.

It sounds like before baby arrived you both focussed on supporting HIM due to his own MH issues. And that's fine. But now YOU need support, and he is badly letting you down. Simply denying your feelings is frankly rude. Pressurising you by saying things like "you can't get depression because I already have it" is about as far from supportive as it gets.

So he is focussing on himself (wanting to go on a night out 9 days after the birth? wtf?), you are focussing on protecting him, but that doesn't leave anyone to focus on protecting YOU.

As hard as it may seem, you need to stop pussy footing around his fragile emotions, because right now, you simply can't do that. That's not you, no-one could.

Next time you say "I'm not coping" and he says "yes you are" look him in the eye and say "No. Actually, I'm not. You telling me otherwise doesn't change that. How would you feel if you told me "I'm depressed" and I simply said "No, you're fine". We are BOTH parents now and I can't do this alone. I just can't".

Get him to start helping with the night feeds if he isn't working. Why does his sleep trump yours? Why should you take sole responsibility for a child that you both created?

I agree with red. You obviously love your DP very much but your posts read almost like you are treading on eggshells around him and its simply an additional stress you don't need.

I know depression is a difficult mh issue as he simply might not be able to see through his own fog far enough to realise how unsupportive he is being but as PP have said if he's up for a 'night out' and he feels that won't leave him too tired to trigger his depression, surely the odd assistance with a night feed wouldn't be too damaging and might be a nice opportunity for him to bond with your DS. For what it's worth I'm NOT saying anything like his depression should mean he shouldn't go out etc...I'm simply saying that he should be looking at his priorities and applying any little motivation or energy he has accordingly- Like any new parent should regardless of MH issues!

I really don't want to sound like I am having a go or criticising you at all, I know the changes your relationship will be going through are huge and you are quite right to keep a close watch on your DP's mental well being given the huge life change you are both experiencing but I just really hope that you realise that you are equally as important and your partner needs to see this too. Regardless of how difficult it might be for him, he has to at least support you in how you feel.

I'm glad you have found comfort in the shared experiences here and hope that the exhausting new born mist starts to rise for you soon. As others have said, it does get easier.

Please do speak to your HV.

I totally agree with what Red said, OP. It's ok to admit you're not coping. You need support too, it's really important. Please talk to your GP or HV as well.

honey, those hormones can do all sorts of weird stuff. It takes time to settle down.
Im more concerned you dont feel able to talk to or get support from your dp when you really need it.
That doesnt make him a bad person but you really really need his support just now and youre in this together. Depression or no depression. The baby stage is tough and without support youre at risk of baby blues turning into PND, so its time for you and dp to support each other and your child rather than you taking in everyones needs