Aibu to regret having my newborn?

[KittyPurrrs]

I know I am, I just need to get this out. I know I'm horrible. I care about my baby, he's 9 days old I think he's cute but if I could go back 9 months I would never get pregnant. He was much wanted and longed for my whole life and when i met dp I always imagined us having a family together. My Dp is lovely and supportive but he's suffers with depression and I'm trying to take the strain of night feeds etc so he doesn't get depressed, this also means I can't cry in front of him. but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or what I need to do with the baby, I miss my dp and I just want it to be the two of us again, I want to be able to just hold eachother in bed all night and watch TV in the evening or just decide we want to do something together spontaneously. We haven't even been shopping since the baby was born, I haven't left the house (I can't go out without him, and I don't want to either), I just want to be with dp constantly I feel so clingy. Nothing feels the same, and it never will be the same again. I hate it when my dp has to leave the house but I feel like he wants to go out and not just that he has to iyswim and I'm so scared he's going to get tired of everything and want to leave me. I don't know how to get my baby to sleep after a night feed or to stop getting upset and whinny while he sleeps, I don't know what's normal for a baby. I just want to go back to how things were. I can't tell dp any of this as it would make him worry and upset him, I can't tell my family either. I don't have anyone nearby, I live far away from my family and have no friends (social anxiety) I keep getting horrible thoughts and worries that my family and dp are going to die. I do love my baby, I just don't want to be a mum I want my old safe life back and I feel scared and disoriented. Sorry it's such a ramble and I know I sound horrible. I feel sorry for that beautiful baby having me as a mum. Has anyone felt this way?

Oh bless you!
9 days after giving birth! You are doing just fine.
Everyone here is saying they felt the same.
I have no idea how I felt.
It was all a complete blur and I just felt numb.
I have no idea how I got through the first month because I don't remember a thing about it.
But... as everyone else says, it gets better.
You learn about your little one and what they need and when they need it.
There is no right or wrong way. No hard and fast rules. All babies are different.
Just get by for now it will all fall into place very soon.

I could easily have written your post 20 years ago when my eldest was born.

I thought it had all been a dreadful mistake and that motherhood clearly wasn't for me! All at a time when I felt I should have been at my happiest ever. I still adored my daughter, but coping with the sea change in my life, my nosediving hormones and with her 24 hour demands was the problem - I can see that with hindsight.

See your GP, in case your "baby blues" phase is in danger of tipping into PND. Don't feel you shouldn't, as they have seen it all before many times over.

One of the mistakes I made during my first pregnancy was to look forward to life getting "back to normal" after the birth, and not appreciating just how different it would be from now on. I had to learn to look at it from a fresh perspective. That was that there is no way "back" to normal, but instead we would be establishing a new sense of normal based on the fact that we were now a small family. It was a shocker, and took time, but eventually I grasped it and things improved.

It really does get easier with time. I remember thinking "OMG, my life will be like this for at least the next 20 years", but it really isn't. You are adapting to life with your baby and he is growing and adapting to life outside of the womb with you. A two way process. You WILL get there.

Hey sorry to hear you are going through this. I just wanted to give you a health professionals perspective. Talk to your HV or midwife. Really, if I had a penny for every woman I met who went through this then I would be rich. This is what they are there for.
Even midwives can feel like this when they have a baby, because knowing what to do does not change how scary/overwhelming/exhausting it is. So as you can see by all of these wonderful replies, you are not weird, or a bad mother, but you do need to get emotional support. Do let your partner know at least that it is all a bit tough, that you feel scared sometimes and that him being around is such a support (it will make him feel useful, men often feel excluded at this stage). I think he may surprise you with how much he wants to help you/support you. Think of what jobs he could do to take a load off, even if it is loading the washing machine and hoovering the house. Big hugs (and just so you know I am expecting in July and I am just as worried about coping as everyone else, and I was a midwife for 16 yrs!)

I felt exactly the same way you did OP. I wanted to turn back time and NOT have a baby. In fact, I was sure that if I just wanted it enough, it would happen. Because this could not possibly be my life from now on...

I cried. And cried and cried. I remember feeling jealous when I read a story in a magazine about someone's baby tragically dying from cot death . I can still remember the look on my DP's face when I told him that.

It was awful. I felt awful.

But.

I did start feeling better. Very, very slowly. And I know you will too, even if you currently can't see out the other side. For me, I needed time and a course of CBT (arranged without question by my GP when I scored off the charts on the PND scale). I needed to recognise the tiny achievements in every day life - going to a baby group; going for a walk; sitting in the sun and drinking a coffee.

Please talk to someone in RL who can help you. I burst into hysterical sobs at baby clinic when DS was SCREAMING his protest at being naked on the scales (all the other babies were cooing and generally being perfectly perfect, obviously). A kindly Heath Visitor took me to one side and got the ball rolling for me. There will be help and support out there for you too.

FWIW I now have DS2 who has just turned two and I am a SAHM!

What you're describing is so, so normal. It's that 'oh fuck, what have I done' feeling.

What no one tells you is that motherhood is brutal. I felt like I was being broken in two, my life thrown into absolute chaos. But the good news is that eventually motherhood builds you up again. Stronger. But it takes time.

I think it's important to let yourself cry, acknowledge your feelings. You've got a lot to celebrate (your LO, your new identity as mother) but you've also got stuff to mourn (your old carefree identity, your childless relationship with your DP). Modern society doesn't acknowledge the things we leave behind when we become mothers. Older cultures were much more understanding of the idea that motherhood is a time of transition - and we need some help in making that transition. Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions is really good on this. It helped me make sense of what I was feeling.

Talk to your DH about your feelings. He needs to be there for you right now regardless of his own issues - and he will be. Don't be scared of your feelings, they are so, so normal. They don't make you a bad mum - in fact the total opposite, because you are acknowledging the huge weight of responsibility and the enormous life changes that motherhood entails. In feeling this way, you're showing how seriously you take you new obligations.

You will work out this new life, you will embrace this new identity and there will be so much happiness and fulfilment in seeing your LO grow and finding your feet as a family rather than a couple. Trust me, it goes from chaotic/terrifying to wonderful pretty quickly.

A few things that will help you on your way. Get out of the house everyday. Build it up slowly. Take your LO out in the pram & just walk up and down the street for starters. Then build up to longer walks, trip to a coffee shop, etc, etc. Seek out groups/coffee mornings/baby classes you can go to. I'm very antisocial, but somehow found myself very comfortable getting involved and making small talk with strangers. You will find solace from other mums those going through exactly the same things as you.

Go to the Drs and ask about counselling. PND is so common and the NHS are really keen to catch and deal with it early. Your GP should have a drop in session with the HV. Talk to her about all your baby related concerns, that's what she's there for. I found this book incredibly helpful and reassuring.

www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Baby-Week-ultimate-caring/dp/0091910552/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422369627&sr=8-1&keywords=your+baby+week+by+week

Take time to look after and pamper yourself. Long baths, nice food - have some planned time away from the baby as you need the break. Remember that you'll never be more tired and hormonal in your life. And cut yourself some slack.

Best of luck

Same message from me! V V normal - but still speak to your hv or mw about it. They will have practical suggestions and it's nothin that they won't have heard other new others saying. I can remember saying pretty much exactly what you've said to a friend with a 2 year old when my DS1 was a couple of weeks old. Why didn't you tell me?? I said. She said "I didn't want to scare you!!". Which is why I've not told other pg friends. You'll get through it, you're stronger than you think. congratulations on your baby.

Same here. It was a horrible, horrible feeling, especially as all my friends were wallowing in their 'babymoon'. I just wanted to go back in time/chuck him in the river. It did get slowly better but I had to accept I just did not like or enjoy the baby phase. I felt claustrophobically depended on.

I felt exactly the same way after my second. I didn't even love him at that point.

Then I started to talk to people, my HV, my GP, my friends, I got support. Let people know you need help, ask for cooked food etc people will help.

I now love that child and my life as a parent (and as not, I work. go out dancing, drinking often with the friends I would never have met if it wasn't for those kids).

You might need support, counselling or some antidepressants to get you on track. And time. It is physically and mentally knackering the first few weeks but it gets better. Be gentle to yourself. In most cultures you would be in bed having food brought to you and doing little else for a few weeks.

Nothing can get you prepared, it gets sooooooooooo much easier day by day.
Good luck

You are totally normal! Those first couple of weeks are tough.

I remember with my first, sobbing on my DH saying we'd made a dreadful dreadful mistake and we were stuck with her for life and I didn't want her. I meant every word of it at the time. But it was just tiredness and hormones talking. My children bring the most unbelievable joy to my life and I love them more than I ever thought it could ever love anyone. That feeling comes in time.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

The only thing that concerns me about your post is your unwillingness to cry in front of your DP. I appreciate that you feel the need to protect him, but how would he feel if he knew you were putting yourself under such pressure to protect him? To expect a woman not to cry during those early weeks/months is totally unrealistic and I'd hope he'd be terribly sad to know this is what you're doing. So much about successful parenting is about working as a team and that means supporting each other emotionally. I think the fact you're doing all the night work is sufficient to be taking into account his needs, but you shouldn't be trying to be superwoman, you need to be cared for too.

I actually think that the media and some books peddle a lot of romantic tosh about women bonding instantly with their babies.

That is fine if you do, but for those of us for whom the bond was not instant it can only serve to make you feel inadequate, as though there is something wrong because we should be so grateful and happy now that baby has arrived.

You need the support of your partner and your GP. That your partner suffers with depression must make that very difficult, but you are suffering at the moment too. You never know, he might have realised and be hoping you will talk to him in your own time. He might be finding the transition to parenthood difficult too. It is also hard for men, but in a different way. You might find that in that way you are currently kindred spirits.

Wow thank you so much for all the replies, sorry I posted and went offline, Dp came home and I didn't want him to see i was down, it really is reassuring how many of you are saying its normal. It doesn't feel like I'll ever feel any different though. I have moments where the panic lifts and I'm ok but that is rare. I can't really talk to dp, when I say things like I'm lonely he just says 'no you're not' not because he's a bad person he just couldn't cope with me being down, he denies it cos he wants me to be strong and toughen up. I met the health visitor while I was pregnant but not seen her since the birth, people have been over but I don't even know who they were to be honest just people telling me the same information over and over about feeding and bathing. The midwife will be coming on Thursday and then I think I'm being discharged so I don't know what's happening I can't remember anything. I can't talk to my midwife because dp will be there and it will upset him. And I can't get out and about just yet, dp is busy and when he gets home is tired so can't really go out with me, I think he's taking me for a little food shop on the weekend. I have cried briefly in front of dp but he didn't like it, I had to hold back the tears and stop myself..he is so supportive though he's making sure I eat and has sent me to bed for a nap it's just he finds mental health things difficult to deal with, he says if I get pnd we may as well just throw ourselves out of the window. But at the same time as wanting to protect him by taking over with feeding and changing I feel like I've stopped him bonding properly, he's still scared changing him and dressing him. I'm so sorry it's all a mess and I probably don't make any sense. Thank you for all the lovely supportive messages

In the gentlest possible way Kitty, you really must talk to someone in RL. Bottling up these feelings is not good for your MH at all. Can you send DP out on an errand of something when the MW comes and talk to her then?

Crying on your DP when your baby is 9 days old isn't a mental health issue OP, it's a normal reaction and one which he should be able to handle. I'm not surprised you feel lonely if you can't talk to him about how you're feeling. I know he suffers from depression, but he also sounds rather selfish. If you're expected to support him when he's feeling depressed then he should support you when you need it also.

Oh kitty

It's so difficult when dealing with a new born, I can't imagine the difficulty with having to care for your DP too.

I honestly appreciate he cannot simply snap himself out of his depression but you absolutely cannot deny your own feelings and not get RL support for yourself just for fear of upsetting him. It puts you under an enormous amount of extra pressure. Particularly what was said about you developing PND, your mental well being is just as important as his and he needs to understand that if you are to remain well you need to be able to ask for additional support.

His confidence will come with the baby. I EBF mine and so did most of the hands on care, DP was anxious and over delicate every time he interacted with DS so I do think that sounds normal too.

How is you DP managing his depression? Is he on medication and does he see his GP regularly?

Oh OP, this was me 4 months ago. So overwhelmed by this screaming little child that relied on me. I completely relate to the wanting things to be how they used to be, but then I soon realised that this new chapter was even better! The fog lifts. I promise.

You need some RL support too though. At day 9 I didn't know my arse from my elbow. I used to forget DD's name

when the midwife comes, why don't you tell you dp to go out for a walk so you can talk to her about "womens things", then you can tell her how you are feeling and ask her not to discharge you just yet and tell her how you are feeling...

All the above. Plus - perhaps it would be good to have the chat with the MW with your partner there, so that she can tell you BOTH that it's perfectly normal to feel
tearful,
lost,
panicy,
helpless,
confused,
up one minute down the next,
out of your depth,
like you'll never manage a normal trip out of the house again,
like you'll never be you again,
like your brain has gone to mush,
and like you and your DP will forever be dealing with a crying baby!

All these things and more i have felt with each one of my DCs. It's nothing to do with age, or even experience.

IT WILL GET BETTER VERY SOON No stage lasts long with babies.

9 days old is such early days kitty. I'm an old hand at being a mum and i had my 4th a year ago. I didn't get out of the house for 2 weeks. But it's ok. I got out in the end! Only to Tesco very briefly the first few times mind you Take everything one day at a time. There's no rush. You'll be you again, enjoying your baby with your DP, and looking back on this time thinking, yes, it did get better.

Very good idea to ask him to go out when mw arrives. You need to talk to someone.

Do you have family and friends you can cry on and talk to? I know you've felt like your feelings are not the norm and maybe that has stopped you discussing it with others. Now you know that most new mums feel like you do to some extent, would you open up to a friend or family member? They're very likely to tell you they felt exactly the same way.

This is how I felt when I had my first child. So much so I considered phoning someone I knew who was pregnant to tell her not to continue with her pregnancy as she would regret not having an abortion. It was the unknown and the exhaustion. I'm now 4 children down the line and love my children, but won't ever have any grandchildren in my house or look after them don't be too hard on yourself and be honest with your partner.

The health visitor takes over at 10 days so should be seeing you. Please please talk to them. It's not just about your baby it's about how you are too and it's part of their job to support you.

9 days in is nothing, it's hard work having a newborn so don't be hard on yourself but please talk to someone.

Oh love I remember this nothing can prepare you for those first few weeks especially the lack of sleep and the change in your life! Please talk to your midwife. This time is hard work and it is easy yo forget that, every goes on about the magic of a newborn baby but I didnt feel it at first and what you describe is quite common.
Is your DP getting medical help for his depression? Perhaps he should see his GP?

I would ask the midwife / health visitor about PND. It's still early days but the fact of your DP's depression means you are not getting the support that you need in these difficult early days and it could lead to PND for you.

Oh man, your post sounds so like me in the first couple of weeks after DS1 was born. Having a new baby can be like a bomb going off in your life, and add in postnatal hormones and it's no wonder you feel like a wreck. A lot of new mums can get incredibly weepy in the first week or two ("baby blues"), and for a lot of women in clears up by itself, though for some women it can continue/come back as PND.

You don't need to be strong, you don't need to "toughen up", you don't need to be perfect, you need to look after yourself and baby, and if that involves asking for help, that's what you need to do. If you don't feel comfortable doing it in front of your DP, ask him to give you a moment with the midwife. I understand he has MH issues too, but you need to look after your own mental health as well. Frankly it's not up to him whether you get PND or not!

In my case the distress didn't clear up after a little while and I was diagnosed with PND, but I'm so so glad that I asked for help when I did. I saw a lovely counsellor in my maternity hospital and (when that alone wasn't cutting it) I took antidepressants, which helped enormously - had no problem coming off them after I'd been better for a while.

(oh, and I was CONVINCED that DS1 was going to be an only child because I was such a terrible mother, couldn't cope, etc. - DS2 is now 2....)

YANBU. Babies are appallingly hard work, and completely and utterly emotionally and physically draining. Everything you describe is COMPLETELY NORMAL and yet it's remarkable how nobody knows that everybody feels that way when they have a newborn.

I think you should be completely open and honest with your midwife and health visitor about how you feel - there is nothing to be gained by putting on a brave face. It may well be that you have the beginnings of PND, but from what you say, you sound like you are having the same reaction we all do to the unbelievable horror of a newborn.

The first few weeks are hard, but from 4 months old it really looks up, even though that must seem like a lifetime away right now.

OP, I can only add to others to try and reassure you that it's normal to feel like this a bit at this stage. I had a lovely delivery and easy baby but still felt like this at this stage. I think it was a little bit of shock tbh. I used to count down the minutes til I could run a bath leaving the baby downstairs with DH then sit and cry in the bath because I missed them! Please, as others said, speak to your midwife. Send your DH out if the room. Tell him you want to speak to her about stitches or something if you need an excuse and talk to her. Please, she will reassure you that it's normal and make sure you know what to do if it overwhelms you. I remember this stage so clearly and it is such early days in a huge life change its not surprising you feel overwhelmed.