Aibu to regret having my newborn?

[KittyPurrrs]

I know I am, I just need to get this out. I know I'm horrible. I care about my baby, he's 9 days old I think he's cute but if I could go back 9 months I would never get pregnant. He was much wanted and longed for my whole life and when i met dp I always imagined us having a family together. My Dp is lovely and supportive but he's suffers with depression and I'm trying to take the strain of night feeds etc so he doesn't get depressed, this also means I can't cry in front of him. but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or what I need to do with the baby, I miss my dp and I just want it to be the two of us again, I want to be able to just hold eachother in bed all night and watch TV in the evening or just decide we want to do something together spontaneously. We haven't even been shopping since the baby was born, I haven't left the house (I can't go out without him, and I don't want to either), I just want to be with dp constantly I feel so clingy. Nothing feels the same, and it never will be the same again. I hate it when my dp has to leave the house but I feel like he wants to go out and not just that he has to iyswim and I'm so scared he's going to get tired of everything and want to leave me. I don't know how to get my baby to sleep after a night feed or to stop getting upset and whinny while he sleeps, I don't know what's normal for a baby. I just want to go back to how things were. I can't tell dp any of this as it would make him worry and upset him, I can't tell my family either. I don't have anyone nearby, I live far away from my family and have no friends (social anxiety) I keep getting horrible thoughts and worries that my family and dp are going to die. I do love my baby, I just don't want to be a mum I want my old safe life back and I feel scared and disoriented. Sorry it's such a ramble and I know I sound horrible. I feel sorry for that beautiful baby having me as a mum. Has anyone felt this way?

I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same with ds1. It seemed like I'd made a massive mistake. You are a step ahead of me though, I didn't know about mumsnet back then and knowing other people felt the same would have really helped.

It took me till 8 months to really start enjoying ds, but each milestone helped turn him into a little person. Just think, in four or five weeks he will be smiling at you and gurgling!

I'm not sure if it's the same where you are, but the health visitor gave me a questionare to fill in about how I was feeling so dh didn't see. So it might not be necessary to discuss things out loud.

Hang in there, every day gets easier

I felt like this when my second DS was born. I was just waiting for something awful to be diagnosed with him. At my worst point with both children crying in asda cafe, some beautiful old lady came over and offered to get me a cup of tea. I had to politely say no because the alternative would have involved public howling.

My only advice is 1) you will get past this and its going to be amazing. 2) you need, need, need to get out the house. Is there anything that could be an incentive? I hope things get easier soon but for now I hope these messages show you are not alone and you are certainly not horrible!

Oh god, I sobbed my way round Tesco when DD was 4 weeks old. DP was baffled (but very supportive). I felt like I was in mourning for my old life which seemed so carefree and easy.Then one morning, I woke up and I didn't feel the need to cry anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still found being a mum hard work but it all slowly became my new normal.

A huge part of what you're experiencing will be hormonal and there's nothing you can do about that until it passes. But for your own sanity, I would try to find someone to talk to even if it's just the midwife or a friendly health visitor.

My DD is now 5 and we have DS who is 2.5. They are amazing and brilliant (albeit still very hard work!) :)

Bless you, I can remember going through the same with my 4th (and with all the others but he was the worst :( )

I really agree with the other posters who say you need to talk to your midwife. I think you should also talk to your DP as well, He needs to understand you raise the baby together and you need his support, you may be surpprised by how he reacts to this, you needing him may (for want of a beter term - ive been awake too long!) wake him up a bit?

I really do think you will get through this, but you need support, I hope it will be in RL but you will get support here as well.

hugs

Just to add to the chorus, I have been there too. I actually said I wanted to give dd1 up for adoption. It does get easier, it is just such a shock. And uf you do have pnd then they really can help. I now have a second and cant believe how much easier it was the second time. And they may drive me up the wall but they fill me with joy

What lovely supportive messages there are here. I wish I'd had MN when my babies were born.

OP, is your husband having treatment for his depression? Is he off work with it - if so, how long has he been off? You are clearly used to him being there all the time.

You have to speak to your midwife when he's not there. You really do. She just can't help you unless you're honest with her. Next time your husband is out could you be really strong and phone the midwife up (or just the clinic) and say you want to speak to her alone? She will find a way of doing that.

Your husband is being very unfair not letting you talk about your feelings. I know he is suffering from depression but you're going through a really rough time and if he can't cope with you talking to him about him, he has to accept you talking to someone else.

Haven't got time to read the thread (2 kids and dinner time!) but

I felt exactly the same after my first.

The other have posted advice, I am sure. But you're not alone xxx

Also adding to the posters.
I spent ages missing my old life, cuddles all night with dp and just being carefree.
Not going to lie, babies are hard and no one prepares you for how hard it is, with the hormones and the lack of sleep
Ds is nearly 5 weeks now and my hormones are settling and I'm starting to get more sleep, its getting easier. Yes there are bad days and there are good days but it will start to look up!
Congratulations on your little one. X

So sorry to hear you're feeling this way kitty.
Completely agree that these feelings however are very, very normal. Completely overwhelming, but normal.

However I would really want to suggest that you find someone in real life to talk to. I appreciate you want to remain strong for your DP but there's only so much of that you can do and it's of equal importance (if not more) that you have someone there to remain strong for you. If that can't be your DP, through no fault of his own I might add, then you need to find someone else.

Also as tough as it may be for him to hear, it's maybe best that he's aware of how difficult you're finding everything and maybe discussing your feelings with a HV or midwife in front of him will help him understand without it being too much "in his face" if you see what I mean?

I don't know if you still have your handheld notes but there should be community midwife numbers in there, or failing that you can try your GP.
Please, please seek some help. Equally do you have any family you can talk with instead? Or even just get out of the house to go visit for a while?

Everything does get easier, but it takes time. I had PND after my first and it took a long time for me to feel normal again, I lost my identity and felt I'd gone from being this fun outgoing person to just someone's mum. My DD is now 11 btw and we have a great relationship (I also have a DS and DC3 on the way!) so all will work out ok. But my DH was able to be strong for me, and I had other great support in our families, my GP, and a brilliant health visitor. I wouldn't have got through it if I hadn't spoken up about my feelings.

Hugs and hope you begin to feel better. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to chat

The single most helpful thing that came out of my
NCT class was the teacher telling is that at some point we would regret the decision to have children and would desperately fear we had mad the biggest mistaken of our lives. So when I started feeling that way, I wasn't shocked.

I agree with all the other posters here that you must speak with your midwife. Dh also needs to be a bit more understanding - pnd can be managed and handled. And if it's not pnd but extreme baby blues it will pass but you need some time. I spent a lot of time just crying randomly in front of my mum or dh. I could not sleep unless dh was next to me and he had to come lie with me while mum looked after ds so that I could get some sleep in the early evenings.

This is all normal even if it is awful. Bit admitting it and talking to someone is the first step.

I will do a proper post later but this is just a virtual hug for you. Your feelings are perfectly normal - I remember thinking that we had ruined our life when DC first arrived. It does get better within a few weeks but it's such a shock at the start and you need support. Your DP needs to step up and accept that while it is difficult for him too his focus needs to be on you at the minute.

Talk to your HV about Surestart or similar. Use this time as a chance to find out about mum and baby groups where you can meet some new friends. Babies are a really good way to bond with other mums. And for you because nothing can really prepare you for how hard it is at the start but it does get better.

Oh op .. I promise you this is very normal and it will pass. And if it doesn't, then you know you will be helped unconditionally by your hv / gp. The helps is there, please look for it if you find you need it.

I cried and cried in the gp surgery, 4 days post partum, as my piles were bleeding, I was in agony, I could not sleep at all and the lovely (!) receptionist said the Dr would not see me as I was 10 mins late for my appointment.

There was much, much snot.

Oh, Kitty. Been there, felt like that. It's really common and it does not mean you are a bad mum.

"Nothing feels the same, and it never will be the same again."

It will. It'll take a while, but yes, you will get back to being you again.

You don't need to leave your baby to go out. Put baby in the pram or sling and just go. Even if it's a walk to the end of the road and back and takes two minutes. It doesn't need to be a fancy outing "to" somewhere.

I agree with other posters, speak to your health visitor. She'll be able to reassure you, and to give you a bit more help if you need it. But it's only nine days - it's completely, totally normal for you to feel like you've been hit with a sledgehammer right now.

Another 'totally normal but PLEASE talk to someone because in your case it sounds like it's getting out of hand' poster here.

I know lots of others have said this, but just to add my voice too - this is completely and utterly normal.

I felt exactly the same. I kept crying and apologising to DH for ruining our lives. But I hadn't! It felt like that for a short while, and there were time I wanted to run away to Mexico, but it passed.

I never feel that way now and my twins are 7 months.

It'll get better, it'll become brilliant. You do need some RL help at the moment though. Any friends with babies? Neighbours? Definitely speak to MW.

When I first had children I literally couldn't believe anyone had them at all and just wanted to send them back (where to was always vague!) and run but after the six week mark it felt like less of a one way street I remember weeping with joy the day my DS first smiled at me.

The thing about parenting a newborn baby is it's all so one-sided. You feed them, burp them, change them, rock them to sleep, feed them, burp them change them...it's so relentless and you don't really get anything back. Once they start smiling, learning new skills, interacting with you it becomes so much more rewarding. You start to feel like you have an actual relationship rather than just existing purely to meet their needs. The difficulty is that when you're in that really early, newborn, "oh my god what the fuck have I done, why did no one tell me it would be like this??" phase it feels like it'll last forever. For me, the worst part was the horrendous guilt I felt for not being instantly head over heels in love with my new life as a Mum. Instead, at 4am when DD wouldn't settle and I paced around the house with her for the millionth time wondering what the hell she wanted all I could think was "what's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be enjoying this". In reality I think I only really started to enjoy being a Mum when DD was about 12 weeks old. For me that was the point when things started to get easier and I felt like I was getting my life back.

You obviously care deeply about your Husband's emotional wellbeing and worry about putting pressure on him. That's totally understandable given his condition. The thing is, he seems to be implying that because he suffers from depression you're not allowed to experience any negative emotions or distress yourself. That's simply not fair or realistic. While you may not have PND at present (you sound perfectly normal for someone 9 days postpartum to me!), bottling up your more difficult thoughts and feelings about motherhood is a recipe for developing PND somewhere down the line. I agree with previous posters that you need to speak to your Health Visitor without your Husband present. Explain that he is supportive in many ways but struggles to support you emotionally due to his Depression. This will not be the first time they have come across this. They can support you and help you to communicate your needs to your Husband. You matter too and you have to take care of yourself in order to care for others.

I'm another who could gave written this at nine days, OP. I was frantically looking up fostering/adoption agencies who would take my son away and I once got up and got dressed and walked to the end of the road to try to escape at 3am. And then walked back again, because where was there to go?

We were in a different country to our families and had no local friends, and I was half-crazed from regret. It was an unspeakably awful time - and I never came near expressing how awful it was to any medical professional - but it passed. Now my only regret is having spent the first weeks of my wondrous now-2year old's life wishing I'd never had him.

But you need to stop pussy-footing around your DP's feelings. His depression does not make his feelings of more concern than yours, and his comment about how you both might as well throw yourselves out the window if you get PND is deeply unhelpful. You need help. Talk to your HV or GP frankly, and alone. Best wishes, OP - it's not possible to imagine, but everything you are in mourning for is still there or will come back, and this time will pass.

I jut read your second post - I think that your DH should hear you talk to the midwife - he needs to realise that you are going through these things!! Like someone else said, it's not necessarily a MH issue, it's a having a baby issue. He needs to help you and put his own issues aside. Is he on medication or seeking help for his problems? If not, he should as his family need him.

I actually got shivers reading your post OP, this was EXACTLY how I felt at first. And when Dd was ten days old, DH's dad died. Not only was I totally overwhelmed by a new baby, who never slept or napped, who screamed all the time, I then had to soldier on alone as Dh totally checked out, consumed by grief.

I remember thinking "life will never be the same again, what have I done?"

I also clearly remember thinking " m and s let you take items back up to four weeks, why can't I take this baby back."

I am not brutally honest with people about how tough it is having a baby, I think if more people were then it wouldntbe such a bloody shock!

Lean on people, whether that's your friends, MW, the lovely people on here. Were you on an ante natal thread here? I was, it has now gravitated to a Facebook group. The ladies on there literally saved my life.

Stay strong. You are not alone....

Kitty, this sounds so very normal and really resonates with me as I felt exactly the same. The sheer shock of what a newborn does to your life is rough enough but then you add in the physical stuff (bleeding, stitches, leaky boobs etc) and the lack of sleep and the hormones and you wonder what on earth you've done. NO one can describe it accurately in advance and you just have to experience it to believe it. My friends who were seriously laid back people (who I would have described as slobs before kids!!) coped the best with newborns as they had few expectations and just went with the flow. The slightly more control freaky ones (me) had a pretty hard time of it all. I can honestly say that it's nothing like as bad with any subsequent newborns, but that it's never easy with them, even after several. I suspect I'm just not a newborn person.

Mine are now DS14, DD12 and DD10 and they make me howl with laughter on a daily basis. They are the most fabulous products of some early weeks of crappy times (and several months of 'will this ever end') and I don't regret having 3 of them, in close succession. I really and truly cannot describe how much my life means with them in it......I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks as they are just so wonderful.

I did wonder if I was losing my mind for a bit there though when they first arrived!! Be kind to yourself, forgive the negative thoughts and just take a day at a time (or an hour at a time if that's too much) xxx

Kitty I've nothing new to add as everyone has already given sage advice, but I want you to know you're not alone. I have a 7wo and have gone through exactly what you're saying.
You will come out the other side. It is hard and feels relentless and there is a part of you that thinks this will never end, but it does lift a little and there are people to help you. My HV came at around 2 weeks and I've only seen her twice, but I have been to baby groups, health centres, breastfeeding clinics, and there are people who can talk to you and make you feel normal.
PM me if you're feeling low, I'm sure we'll both be up at all times!
Congratulations on your beautiful boy!

YANBU

When DD was born I though 'What the hell have I done?!'

When I told mum she laughed and said my eldest sister had said exactly the same thing.

Never think it is because you don't want your baby. We have had numerous mc's and dd was very very wanted. But I think it's a natural reaction to your whole world turning upside down!

Take care of yourself op

Do talk to your midwife whether your DP is there or not. This is about you, not about him, and it would do no harm for her (and him) to be aware of how you are struggling. Remember that she sees this sort of thing almost daily from new mums (and sometimes dads, I am sure). I don't think they have to discharge you at 10 days if they think you are struggling too much. I seem to remember my own midwife saying something like that when I had my firstborn.

I appreciate that he has mental health issues of his own, and that he is trying to help out in other ways. That is good, but he doesn't get to decide whether or not you are allowed to have PND. It is an illness, you don't plan to have it or not, but if it happens it happens and it has to be dealt with properly. His comment that if you do get it then you might just as well all jump out of the window is hardly dealing with it properly, and is potentially alarming. Your healthcare professionals should be aware of it.

He does sound very dependent on you, and frightened perhaps of what could happen if you were unable to be his support. That is as it may be, but right now you are still too fragile to be placed in that position, and are in need of support yourself. Is he capable of seeing that?

Are your midwife, GP and Health Visitor aware of the full picture here? Do they know about your DP's depression, as it may reduce his ability to provide enough of the support you need right now.

Op - have sent you a message. X