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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a little bit of help?

40 replies

imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 13:23

My parents leave near DSis and look after her kids for free so she can work, frequently take them out for days out etc. My parents in law just announced they are taking SIL on hols and her kids, all paid for by them. Again, they take the kids on numerous days out, babysit etc.

I am about to go back to work after mat leave and will be left with very little after childcare fees. I have spoken with my DM about it, just to vent frustration, and she got quite cross with me ( "plenty of people pay for childcare huckleberry. You're not the first person this has ever effected").

I asked MIL why we were not invited on their two week family hols and were told that they can only go during school term because of the cost. Me and DH can't take time off in term time due to work.

I think my DM and MIL both have a point but am I being unreasonable for wanting a bit of tea and sympathy and maybe a bit of extra effort? Fair enough we can't go on theirhols but we could have a day out ? Ugh, I think I am just being self -pitying.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2015 13:41

You day you want help, but what help do you actually need?

Was your Mum just trying to get you to look at your situation positively?

As for the days out, do you let your child go with them without you? Have you tried to build a relationship and they've rejected you?

justbatteringon · 27/01/2015 13:43

I'd feel very left out. Flowers

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:12

My son has only been out of my sight twice in seven months, so if they could baby sit sometime that would be helpful.

We have never been invited to join them on their days out, either all of us or my son on his own. I appreciate they can't afford to talk us all on holiday but why does SIL get this and not us? They keep referring it to as their family holiday which I think is extremely cruel to my DH and our son as it implies they aren't family ifyswim.

We are struggling financially, which they know, and they keep talking about how many ££££ the holiday is costing. It is hard to hear when SIL is getting it all for free, which again they keep repeatedly mentioning.

OP posts:
Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:15

And yes I am sure my mum was just trying to be realisitic, thousands of famalies do pay for childcare. My sister is extremely lucky that my parents chose to move to where she lives as they like it a lot more than where I live. I can't afford to move near them as they live an extremely expensive part of the UK and we don't have that kind of money.

OP posts:
Caronaim · 27/01/2015 16:18

well, your child isn't really their responsibility. What they do for other children is irrelevant. No one really has a any right to expect parent, friends or relatives to pitch in and help with their children.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 16:23

Your parents live closer to your sister so not sure why you are peeved about that? If you can't live near them why are you upset that they can't provide childcare as it won't be practical anyway? As for your il only going away term time because they can afford it then and you can't, do you expect them to change their plans around?
You have problems with both sides, but it seems like you are upset with them for reasons that's aren't practical in the first place.

DoJo · 27/01/2015 16:24

How does your husband feel about this? I can't work out if you are upset that they don't treat him as well as they treat his sister, or if you just want a babysitter occasionally.

Is your SIL a SAHM? Do her and her parents spend more time together generally? Would you actually want to go on holiday with your in-laws?

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:25

Thanks Caronaim. I always thought famalies were meant to help and support each other but I guess not. Lesson learned.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 27/01/2015 16:25

I agree it's no one else's responsibility, but it is a bit tough on the OP.

I had the first UK grandchildren in the family (there were two lots abroad). My parents had the children to stay for weekends, and showered them with presents. By the time the 12th grandchild had arrived, they were a bit bored with kids, a bit older, and had done the books, games and local parks etc to death.

Great for me and my DCs, not so great for my UK siblings.

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:31

Husband is too stressed about money and job situation to get involved in it. I guess I am upset that the three of us are treated dramatically different to SIL's family.

My sil is a sahm but not sure why that is relevant? They see a lot of each other though, yes.

OP posts:
whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 27/01/2015 16:37

Families aren't meant to help each other, but its nice if they do.
As a previous poster pointed out, what help to you think they should give? Your DPs live too far away to offer childcare. Your DPIL can't afford to holiday term time.
I feel for you, its hard (I know from experience). And its wrong of them to 'rub your nose in it'. But I don't see you or they could change anything.

CPtart · 27/01/2015 16:37

SIL lives next door to MIL and has never paid a penny in childcare as you can imagine. free childcare on tap. We have spent over £50k on nursery/ after school club fees and are still forking out several years on. I worked for nothing for 2 years when DC were little, it's par for the course.
MY own DM helps when asked but never offers. No overnight stays etc, and her idea of holidays with young children would be idea of hell on earth.
I would be resentful of your SIL having holidays paid for them though. That's extremely unfair.

wishmiplass · 27/01/2015 16:38

Aw op Flowers

Unfortunately you can't expect help/support. You can wish for it, but not expect people to behave how you'd like them to. I know, I've been there too and it's hard and feels unfair.

You need to say something about how you're feeling. xxx

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:39

Lady you are right, there are practical elements. But in the example of the holiday- they can't offer to take my ds somewhere for day or weekend just to try and show a bit of interest? I guess I must BU as most posters seems to think so.

I will have to adjust my attitude and smile at my IL's holiday snaps. I will have a glass of wine tonight and try to snap out of it

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/01/2015 16:45

your son is only seven months? has only been out of sight twice? it sounds like you dont want him to be babysat? maybe they think you dont want to leave him with anyone... ?

maybe when he gets older they will take him ? or you could send him to them. an older child it makes much more sense to take them on holiday with them - they will get more out of it. think about asking them to take him away with them when he three or four and can appreciate the holiday.... but a baby? baby wont care where it is.

cestlavielife · 27/01/2015 16:48

are you ready for him to go off for a weekend with his grandparents?

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:49

Whattodo, you are right. I don't think 'meant' is the right word, I guess I want them to want to help?

CPtart, oof that is hard. 50k! Remind me to never, ever calculate how much we spend on childcare! I suspect it will be the same.

Wish, I think I will say something when I am feeling a bit more together. DH just found out he did not get the job he applied for so feeling particularly rubbish.

OP posts:
toomanyostriches · 27/01/2015 16:52

I understand where you're coming from. My in laws treat DH very differently to his sister and it can be quite hurtful. They are very involved with her DC's but would happily go weeks on end without seeing our DD if we don't take her over to their place. They take SIL's kids on a lot of day trips, take them all for meals out etc. and don't think to invite us. They also provide SIL with a lot of financial support which they have never offered to do for DH, even when things have been tough financially. We wouldn't want to be dependant on anybody, financially or otherwise, but it makes me feel sad for DH that they don't even try to hide how much they favour his sister and her kids.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 27/01/2015 16:53

If you don't live close to your parents then they can't help with childcare. That doesn't mean they shouldn't help your sister if she's close by. Presumably they would do the same for you if you moved to where they are. How do you expect them to help?

The ILs holiday thing is a bit off, if taking their daughter they should take their son too. Some mums are naturally close to their daughters and forget that their sons should be treated the same.

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:53

Cest, no I am quite happy for him to go to family for the day or possibly overnight. The reason he has only been out of my sight is theres no one to take him! In laws say he is too little, my parents are too far away. I have asked both SIL and MIL for help - especially when he woke more frequently because I was knackered. Both are too busy and say he is a handful. Not sure how much a handful he is myself!

OP posts:
00100001 · 27/01/2015 16:53

Caronaim

That's a bit harsh - the problem is the unfair treatment. IF the GPs did nothing for anyone, no bother. But they do it for other siblings, not fair really.

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:54

Snow, you are right about my parents and I have conceded that I am being irrational. I am just jealous.

OP posts:
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 27/01/2015 16:55

Help goes both ways, do you help either of them out? I can understand your SIL not wanting another child to look after and your MIL has raised her children already and may not want to go back to the baby stage. Doesn't your DH give you a break at weekends?

Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 16:56

Toomany, your situation sounds very similar. You are much more articulate than me, that is how I feel- sad and also frustrated.

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Original poster
imyourhuckleberry · 27/01/2015 17:00

Snow, I helped my MIL move twice and helped her with getting interviews for work.

Agree, my SIL has two kids so probably has her hands full, although they are school age and she shares custody.

my DH does try, but works 6 days per week. He does loads with him at home though.

Ultimately, it is my responsibility and regardless of what my parents or my IL'S do, it is down to me. This has been really helpful tbh. Given me a bit of clarity.

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