AIBU to want a little bit of help?

[imyourhuckleberry]

My parents leave near DSis and look after her kids for free so she can work, frequently take them out for days out etc. My parents in law just announced they are taking SIL on hols and her kids, all paid for by them. Again, they take the kids on numerous days out, babysit etc.

I am about to go back to work after mat leave and will be left with very little after childcare fees. I have spoken with my DM about it, just to vent frustration, and she got quite cross with me ( "plenty of people pay for childcare huckleberry. You're not the first person this has ever effected").

I asked MIL why we were not invited on their two week family hols and were told that they can only go during school term because of the cost. Me and DH can't take time off in term time due to work.

I think my DM and MIL both have a point but am I being unreasonable for wanting a bit of tea and sympathy and maybe a bit of extra effort? Fair enough we can't go on theirhols but we could have a day out ? Ugh, I think I am just being self -pitying.

Sorry snow, should add, I often ask to look after my SIL'S kids but because she has shared custody, she wants her time with them to herself iyswim.i have babysat a out 4 or 5 times in total.

Yanbu to feel upset on your DS behalf. It seems like the situation is not practical right now and maybe they are reluctant to have him as he is still so little but maybe it will change as he grows a bit more.

some people dont want to/feel able to look after babies - i am sure when he gets older and can tell them his wants/needs your ILs might be more amenable.

if you going to be using paid childcare you have the chance to find paid babysitters thru the nursery/childminder.

You know what? You have every right to be upset. Because if you are brought up in a family environment where you think the members look out for each other, and do what they can to help each other, it really sucks to find out that when YOU need help the most, all of a sudden those very same family members are making themselves scarce. And then on TOP of that, they berate you if you dare suggest that it's not easy. It blows. It really does.

If, however, you are brought up in a family where everyone fends for themselves, and help is limited, once you hit 18 'out you go' regardless of how ready emotionally or financially you are then you probably expect to not have any assistance, and also expect to not give the assistance in return.

And if my friends didn't want to give me some help occasionally when they were able to, then I wouldn't really consider them my friends. I would just consider them friendly acquaintances. Granted not all friends are of the 'babysitting' variety, but a cup of tea and sympathy goes a hell of a long way. (Just responding to someone else's comment that you can't expect friends to help out.)

tho your SIL could probably baby sit with and alongside her own kids.... ask her point blank to bring the kids over on a specific date and sit for you and h to go out

My take is that you reap what you sow. So in future when both sets of parents get more elderly and require more help I would expect them to rely much more on those that they're helping out now iyswim. I would detatch from both of them to a degree if you can.

My sil is a sahm but not sure why that is relevant? They see a lot of each other though, yes.

If your SIL is a SAHM and they spend a fair amount of time together, then they probably have a fair idea of how well they would get on on holiday - they already know each other's routines etc so it would be more likely that they would all enjoy a holiday together without that 'cooped up' feeing you can get when you're with family who have different ideas of what they want from a holiday.

If you are upset that your SIL seems to be favoured over your husband, then I think you need to tread very carefully as he may not want you to interfere in his relationship with his parents. It would be interesting if there is a pattern of them favouring SIL or if it's just a circumstantial thing because they are spending more time together now that she is around during the day. I see my parents much more than I did before I had a child, and if they lived closer that would probably increase further. I'm not sure that there is a way to recreate that with parent who work and want some time to themselves as well as it's just about availability. What do they say if you ask them to babysit?

Lady, thank you, I think the age thing is a factor.

cest, yes I think using a nursery member would be a good idea as in time he will know them quite well.

yackity, yes were the sort of family who helped each other. Things have changed and I guess I need to move on.

Dojo, my mil works but they do see each other a lot during weekends and after work too. I definitely won't interfere, I wanted anonymous advice so I can avoid conflict at all costs. I hate confrontation and also would be keen not to upset my DH who is quite stressed.

I think my conclusion is, my DM can't help that she lives near my DSis and its good thry can help each other. I will continue to keep trying to facilitate a good relationship for my DS. My inlaws obviously have thrir reasons for choosing to spend more time with by SIL, and I will again make clear the door is firmly open for them to spend time with us/DS if they want. Ovrr time hopefully they we ill warm up, if not then at least I know I tried. Cheers for all the advice, and the sympathy from some. I know its self pitying but I have had a shit dsy, so the flowers and encouragement help.

yomello, I love my mum to bits and would find it hard but a bit of detachment maybe a good thing in the long run.

yomello,

Argh, huge typing fails repeatedly! Sorry

"tho your SIL could probably baby sit with and alongside her own kids.... ask her point blank to bring the kids over on a specific date and sit for you and h to go out"

That's all well and good cestlavielife but what if the SiL says point blank no? How's the OP going to feel then?

Oh huckleberry, I really don't think you're reacting wrongly here at all. I'd feel just the same if I were you, and being in a vaguely similar position, I can empathise completely.

The main issue here is the complete discrepancy between the way you're being treated compared to others, and that would drive me batty too, and leave me feeling really hurt. Yes, your parents live close to your sister, but does that stop them offering to have your little one for a few hours one weekend if they came to visit, or you went to see them? And as for your in-laws, well, that stinks quite honestly. If your sis-in-law has school-age children, doesn't work and has shared custody, then I'm amazed she needs any childcare. Has your husband ever said anything to his parents about how you'd like a break, and would they consider having your little one for a few hours? Or mention anything, even as a joke, when they talk about the 'family holiday' that the three of you aren't invited on?

Maybe it's a pity thing - you two have each other, and your little one, and she doesn't have anyone so they feel they need to continually prop her up? I don't know, I'm sure there'll be underlying reasons that you might not know about, but either way, it's still unfair.

Stay strong, try not to let it eat away at you and when the photo slideshow is proudly presented, just keep saying 'oh, that looks lovely, we'd have loved that' at every shot. That should get the message across.

of course it hurts, your mum should have been more sympathetic, especially in light of the fact that she move to be near your sister and helps her out.

I think your inlaws are insensitive rubbing the fact that they are helping sil so much in your face.

I can really understand how much it hurts to see the inequality in both relationships.

maybe I was just brought up to be more independent than some of the other posters on here, but as far as I can see, your child is your responsibility, no one else's. I don't think that is harsh at all, quite the opposite, I think it would be unfair and unkind to expect anyone else to have to do your work.

She isnt expecting anyone to raise her child, she is just expecting her child to get a share of the attention his cousins already enjoy, and the same sort of favours as her sister and sister-in-law received from their mothers. It seems she does understand things would have to be adjusted for distance and scheduling issues. She isnt expecting as much childcare as either receives, but the occasional offer. Or the same holiday plan, but would appreciate a day out. Which all sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible, but I advise you not to hold your breath waiting.

I think the problem is established habits. What sort of regular socialising did you have with either set of parents/sister before? If none, a new grandchild, even if he had been first, would not magically create a friendship between you all if one didn't exist before. Meanwhile, your Mum's have previously defined their grand-mothering in terms of the first arriving grandchildren. Your ds may, or may not ever fit into the existing system. But it will take time.

You can do what you can to help your mum develop a habit of grandparenting your ds. Invite her for visits, go for visits. Ditto for your sister. Your dh will have to deal with his mum and sister. If he has no strong interest in helping them be part of his ds's life, then so be it. Send pictures and updates to all, regardless.

Maybe they are taking your SIL on holiday because she is a single mum with two DC?

You are in a family with two parents and one baby, so perhaps it doesn't occur to them that you feel left out about the holiday. It wouldn't be much of a holiday for your SIL if she was on her own with the children, whereas you and your DH could have a holiday together without needing your PIL's for company.

I can understand why you feel upset that they don't make an effort to get to know your DS though.