To be annoyed at my mother taking my daughter in the bath with her?

[Emmylou22]

We left our 15 month old daughter with my mum and stepdad for the weekend as we went away for our wedding anniversary. This is the first time I've spent the night away from her. When we picked her up, my mum told me she'd taken her in the bath with her. I found this a little unsettling. I sometimes take a bath with my daughter but feel very strange about someone else (other than my husband of course) doing this.

I have had many issues with my mum in the past so not sure if that's clouding my judgement or if anyone else would feel uncomfortable with this! I often feel like my mother thinks she should be mum to my daughter rather than grandma and to me this just illustrates my point. What do people think?

As you ask if anyone else would feel uncomfortable with this ? then my answer in my personal circumstances are no, i wouldn't and don't. DS (2.4) baths with both my Mum and Dad and sleeps in their bed too. In fact i think of my Mum as a very close second Mum to DS (should he ever need one). And if it were possible i would have no problem with her bfing my dc if necessary. We are all very close and a 'naked' family.

I would, however, have a massive problem with MIL doing this, because she has only seen ds about 10 times in his whole life and while i don't doubt she loves him, their relationship is very very different.

Fucking hell mrsdevere, you have just summed up my relationship with my birth mother in one post (the one about the child blaming themself)

Jesus Christ how have I never seen it like that before?

I don't want to derail the thread so will stop now, but I just wanted to post to say thank you. I know you weren't giving advice to me but you have no idea of the impact of that post.

That's definitely food for thought and will stay with me.

Fizzyplonk I agree with you when you say I wonder how many of those saying they wouldn't be bothered, are saying that as it's highly unlikely to happen in their families.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll I agree with the awkwardness, practically, of bathing wit ha young child. So aside from anything else there is the safety aspect. I think a person outside the bath on a relatively dry floor, perhaps wearing slippers or shoes, is going to be much more stable than someone manoeuvring themselves and a young child into a bath and having their feet in the bath (which can be slippery) so the idea this was done for safety doesn't ring true with me. It may be more comfortable than leaning over a bath but baby's baths only last a few minutes so it would be less of a palaver than having a bath with a child.

at 15 months old wouldn't bother me. I would even feel fine about my MIL doing this. Obviously it depends on the sort of relationship you have with your mother, but then I wouldn't leave my child with someone I didn't feel comfortable with. When mine were little they were always in the bath with me.

chocolatescones you are not being weird, I am not sure so many people would not have a problem with it. It's mumsnett AIBU after all!

fate

If you are going to quote someone,don't leave the end of the comment off when you do.

Yabu and ridiculous your dd is a baby why does it matter if they are both naked. Are you normally jealous of their relationship?

YANBU. I would feel uncomfortable with anyone but DH or me having a bath with DD.

And to all those posters saying 'yabu to leave her with your DM…' - what Mrsdevere said. Many people have strange relationships with their parents but that doesn't mean you have to be NC. Fgs.

ugh. i would absolutely, definitely have a problem with this, but i will willingly admit to having massive issues with my mother. i grew up in an alcoholic household and witnessed many endless, terrifying arguments about my mother and stepfather's sex life.

my DD's overnight visits with my mother were abruptly curtailed when she suggested that she and DD (then aged about 6) could shower together. my visceral reaction was utter horror.

i did some thinking after this happened, and went NC with my mother about a year later. best thing i ever did. she's narcissistic, selfish and just plain strange. she was oddly intimate with DD, when she hadn't been remotely interested in me as a child. it just didn't work for me and it was making me ill. DD is nearly 15 now, and hasn't suffered by not being exposed to my mother.

if it doesn't feel right, OP, then that's your call. but maybe use it to prompt some thinking around how healthy your relationship with your mother is. as adults, we can make our own choices and set our own boundaries, difficult though that may be.

oh. just read that back. when i said 'exposed' i meant generally, not naked-in-the-bath...

I wouldn't be happy about it either and I am very close to my parents.

My family (except my dad) regularly bathe with small children. The word "bath" only needs mentioning and the toddlers in my family start getting undressed.

OP, you say that your mum is narcissistic. Unless you get some help to effectively establish boundaries with her all of your DD's interactions with her are going to cause you anxiety and annoyance. Sometimes YWBU, sometimes YWNBU, but ultimately it will be damaging for your DD to be put into a position where either you or your DM use her to play out the issues that exist between you two.

I wouldn't have liked it and I would never do it with my grandchildren.

My little girl when that age would jump in a bath with any of her family no one was spared. If you left the door open expect company! That was granny daddy big sis (teenager!) or grandad! She wouldn't do it now aged 9!

Italiangreyhound it was a palaver. I was very conscious of trying not to slip, trying not to drop her as we were both wet. I nearly froze to death as I wanted to get her dry first. Fuck me we didn't do it again! Much easier to lean over the bath and wash her and me to have a shower by myself.

My father has narcassistic tendencies and we have a difficult relationship. I love him but wouldn't leave a goldfish in his care, let alone my child. I'm another one who wonders why the OP would leave her dd with someone she describes in such negative terms. If she is really a narc that seems hugely disturbing.

I think, if you leave a child with a trustworthy adult, you trust them to know what to do. I'm with the granny on this one.

unless you think theres something dodgy and sexual about it, then i think youre the one being a bit weird

• TheyLearnedFromBrian Mon 26-Jan-15 16:33:32

Brilliant post and she has experience of this - so I would listen to her and others who have experience of it,

had my own DM done this I would feel it was a little odd too but it wouldn't worry me, my MIL on the other hand!! Very odd..

I would be massively unhappy with this. Have had a few issues with my mum over the last 20 years really, starting when I still lived at home. I have only ever left my daughter with her for a couple of hours at my house, she has given her a bath but I was in the house at the time. Overstepping the mark IMO.

I love my brother and my sister as well as my father,I'm very fond of the paternal side of the family.

I would still be fuming to the point of no recovery if any of them got in the bath with my kids.

I bath with my children as does their dad I have no issues with bodies or anything like that.

I just prefer that acceptable (to me) boundaries about intimacy privacy and personal space are maintained when it comes to extended family.

I get what she's trying to do here - it's a narc parent thing, my DM is the same. So she thinks you're getting a favour out of her by babysitting so u can go off and have a nice time. She's thinking well I'll just do something that I know will upset her. Ie taking a bath with her toddler.

It's a narc mother thing. Complicated. But I understand OP mine has done similar in the past hence why she is not on my babysitting list. I just don't trust her. YANBU