Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my mother taking my daughter in the bath with her?

149 replies

Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 16:09

We left our 15 month old daughter with my mum and stepdad for the weekend as we went away for our wedding anniversary. This is the first time I've spent the night away from her. When we picked her up, my mum told me she'd taken her in the bath with her. I found this a little unsettling. I sometimes take a bath with my daughter but feel very strange about someone else (other than my husband of course) doing this.

I have had many issues with my mum in the past so not sure if that's clouding my judgement or if anyone else would feel uncomfortable with this! I often feel like my mother thinks she should be mum to my daughter rather than grandma and to me this just illustrates my point. What do people think?

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 26/01/2015 16:47

If you don't trust your mum to care for her as you see fit then you shouldn't leave her.

EdSheeran · 26/01/2015 16:47

YABU to leave your child with someone you call 'narcissistic and selfish' just so you can have a weekend away.

Mandatorymongoose · 26/01/2015 16:47

It wouldn't bother me and DS would probably have a marvellous time (not sure how nice a bath it would be for DM though - being attacked by sharks and boats is not very relaxing). I also agree that maybe she felt safer being in there.

But it's how you feel that counts, just tell her you'd prefer her not to share the bath in future.

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 26/01/2015 16:49

Wtf? I thought you were going to say your DD is 15, not 15 months! What exactly is the problem?

wickedlazy · 26/01/2015 16:49

I also think your issues are clouding your judgement. Your dd is only 15 months old. By this age my ds had had baths with me, dp, my mother (easier for her than bending over the tub) and fil. Fil come's home from work and jumps in the bath and when ds (who loves the bath) was there, he would go crazy to get in with him and play with his bath toys. My mother and fil have the patience to play with bath toys in the bath with a child. Neither my mil or my father could be bothered having a child in with them/getting in with a child. Nothing weird about it imo.

wishmiplass · 26/01/2015 16:51

I think we're allowed to feel without being accused of being over vigilant.

My DP wents to see his mate the other day with our DS (9mo) whilst I was at work/DD at school - he's a SAHD.

DP's mate's wife insisted on changing DS's nappy, which DP let her do.

I was a bit Hmm about it and have asked DP not to do this again.

He was surprised by my reaction as he knows I'm fairly easy going, but something just didn't sit right about it (someone I've met 2, possibly 3 times WANTING to change our baby's nappy?).

I asked DP if DS was a DD and his male friend WANTED to change HER nappy - would he feel differently... he said no (but I dont' believe him!).

I'm rambling now. I wouldn't mind MIL having a bath with my DS or DD, but I'd want her to ask first... just so I could say well, OF COURSE you can!

Allstoppedup · 26/01/2015 16:51

Wouldn't bother me at all!

If I was in any doubt about my child being in any risk with someone, there is no way they would be staying the weekend with them!

TookALittleLongWayRound · 26/01/2015 16:51

Sorry OP but unlike others I can't understand why given the description you've given of your Mum you would leave your child with her.

You say you feel she makes decisions instead of asking you but whenever I look after friends children they trust my judgement and anyone I leave my DD with I trust implicitly and trust them to make choices they think are the best. I wouldn't leave her with them if I didn't.

Maybe just don't ask your Mum to babysit again - problem solved.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2015 16:53

Emmylou I think you are totally right to be unhappy about this. I think it is a huge over boundary-stepping. I would not expect anyone to bath with my child without asking the parent. I do find the idea of children bathing with grandparents rather odd. So I am quite surprised that so many people here think it is so normal.

Trust your instincts.

The fact your mum offered to look after your child is helpful to you but only if she cares for your child in a way that you find appropriate.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/01/2015 16:53

YABU OP. Unless you think that your DD was at risk by being in the bath with her GM, then there is no reason to be annoyed at her.

You do not have a good relationship with your mum, but it's only going to get worse if you get annoyed whenever she does typical grandmother things when looking after your DD.

Fizzyplonk · 26/01/2015 16:53

I wouldn't like it. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I'd want my children seeing grandparents naked or sharing bath water with them.
It just makes me uncomfortable. I guess I wouldn't want them to share with anyone I wouldn't want to- so no one outside immediate family.
They do share with cousins though and I don't mind as they are same age.....

Swimming pools are different.

I'm really surprised so many would be fine with this!

Notso · 26/01/2015 16:53

It wouldn't bother me.
I think if you leave your child with a relative you need to be able to trust them to make decisions about how they care for your child. That might mean them doing things differently to you. If you can't trust them enough to hand over control then that person should not be looking after your child because there will always be problems.

AbbyCadabby · 26/01/2015 16:53

I wouldn't like it at all. But I also wouldn't have left my child with her in the first place.

Gymbob · 26/01/2015 16:54

my mum cared for my DD as a child, but it never extended to sleepovers or bathing. a definite no no from me. For different reasons I have to say, but I get you OP.

minionmadness · 26/01/2015 16:55

If she's a selfish narcissist why on earth would you want to leave your PFB with her. Or maybe she's ok if you need to satisfy your selfish need to get away for the week-end.

You can't have it both ways... and the bath thing wouldn't bother me in the least.

TookALittleLongWayRound · 26/01/2015 16:57

I should also add that I would expect any specific instructions to be given to me prior to caring for a child. Once they are in my care unless it was something completely out of the odinary I wouldn't check with a friend.

I have never had a bath with any child apart from my own and probably only once or twice because I like my baths to be relaxing and bathing with a child who wants to play is not my idea of relaxing! However, I have co-slept with my best friends child and I would again if she ever wanted through and into my bed when I was caring for her. My DD has also co-slept with my friend maybe once or twice and my Mum a few times when she has had a bad dream or has woken up for whatever reason and needed a cuddle back to sleep.

MrsDeVere · 26/01/2015 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gymbob · 26/01/2015 16:57

actually, the very thought of my mum and DD in the bath together, naked. oh no, no, no

Original poster
Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 17:00

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I do feel this is an issue with my mum overstepping boundaries I am not comfortable with. I guess I just assumed she would check with me before doing something like that.

By the way, this is the FIRST time in 15 months I have spent a night away from my baby and it's not like I just palm her off on my mum whenever I fancy a night out or a lie in. And It's not like I think my mother will abuse my child, I just feel she could have checked with me before assuming she could get naked with her!!

OP posts:
cannottakeanotherdayofthis · 26/01/2015 17:00

Oh nonono I would hate this! OP YANBU. And the very thought of MIL.... Jesus. Just no.

Moniker1 · 26/01/2015 17:01

I don't know, it took me constant vigilance and having two spare hands to bath DGSon - I wouldn't have bathed with him unless another adult was there to pass him to me, take him out. It would have been a juggling act on my own I think.

LucilleBluth · 26/01/2015 17:02

I wouldn't be keen and I'm close to my mum. I would LOVE to have seen the reactions had the OP said it was her MIL bathing with DGC.

Original poster
Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 17:03

MrsDeVere - yes, you've outlined it perfectly! I think if someone had a loving and positive relationship with their mum they would think I was overreacting but if you've had a similar experience to mine you might see where I'm coming from...

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 26/01/2015 17:05

I think YABU. Even after reading your reply posts.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2015 17:07

I agree I am really surprised so many people are OK with this. And surprised that the suggestion is that because someone shares a bath with a child they would abuse them and that might be why someone would not want it to happen. When actually there are lots of reasons why people may feel bathing together is very intimate and not something done in the wider family with adults.

I do not think that everyone who would feel uncomfortable with their child sharing a bath with another adult is assuming the adult would abuse the child, simply that for a number of people this would just not feel appropriate.

I also find it really weird that this might be thought of as a typical grandmother thing to do. I really do not think it is.