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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my mother taking my daughter in the bath with her?

149 replies

Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 16:09

We left our 15 month old daughter with my mum and stepdad for the weekend as we went away for our wedding anniversary. This is the first time I've spent the night away from her. When we picked her up, my mum told me she'd taken her in the bath with her. I found this a little unsettling. I sometimes take a bath with my daughter but feel very strange about someone else (other than my husband of course) doing this.

I have had many issues with my mum in the past so not sure if that's clouding my judgement or if anyone else would feel uncomfortable with this! I often feel like my mother thinks she should be mum to my daughter rather than grandma and to me this just illustrates my point. What do people think?

OP posts:

AmysTiara · 26/01/2015 16:26

It depends on what the issues were with your mum but yabu on the face of it

Idiotdh · 26/01/2015 16:26

I think it's a bit odd..also that she mentioned it, why would she do that?

I think it's within acceptable behaviour, just not necessary and I wouldn't do it if I didn't look after a grandchild very often you would do everything by the book.

Original poster

Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 16:26

The main issue is that my mum is basically selfish and narcissistic and has been since I can remember. She has always put her own needs before her children's and to this day my sister doesn't have a relationship with her. I have managed to tolerate it and forge a relationship with her but she is still as self centred as ever! The way she posts on Facebook anyone would think she is my daughter's mother, not grandma. I know she is capable of looking after my daughter but I feel like she is making too many decisions without checking how I feel about them first.

I guess I just feel I would have liked her to ask if she could take her in the bath rather than assuming she could do it. Swimming I wouldn't have a problem with but in the bath they're both naked and it seems a bit too close.

OP posts:

slithytove · 26/01/2015 16:27

I'd be ok with this

Thurlow · 26/01/2015 16:28

I wouldn't have bothered me. Last time I was staying with my parents, on hearing my dad announce he was off to have his morning shower, 3yo promptly ran upstairs and started pulling her clothes off in preparation for getting in with him. I suspect my dad was the most uncomfortable person in that scenario - it's a small shower, he couldn't have had much room left

It wouldn't cross my mind that a grandparent was doing this to be 'mum' - baths are fun, young kids love sharing them, I wouldn't see it as anything other than the same fun time it is for DC sharing a bath with one of their parents.

But if you feel uncomfortable then you feel uncomfortable. Can you possibly explain why?

Lottapianos · 26/01/2015 16:29

'Swimming I wouldn't have a problem with but in the bath they're both naked and it seems a bit too close.'

I can understand why you would have a problem with it. Some people will accuse you of being hysterical - ignore them. What feels right for one person may not feel right for another. I have a narcissistic mother myself and I know that feeling of something being off - its someone overstepping your boundaries. If you don't want her getting in the bath with your daughter, do you feel that you could ask her not to do it again?

Idiotdh · 26/01/2015 16:29

Ah I see its about her taking over and ignoring/ not caring what your wishes might be..yes that's annoying, you're her mum and she must remember and respect that rather than do unexpected things.

Iggly · 26/01/2015 16:30

So what if they're both naked?

It would bother me because of issues of abuse but otherwise no.

TheFairyCaravan · 26/01/2015 16:31

She's selfish, yet she had your 15mo so you could have a child free weekend?. I bet you do "tolerate" her!

My mother is the definition of selfish, DS1 is 20 she has never, ever babysat for me! DH and I had a child free holiday for the first time ever on our 20th wedding anniversary when our kids were old enough to be left on their own!

maz210 · 26/01/2015 16:31

I wouldn't be keen on this either I'm afraid. I never bathed much with my kids myself, just because of practicalities rather than any other reason.

If it makes any difference I also had trouble with my mum overstepping some parenting boundaries if you know what I mean - so perhaps that's why I would be unhappy about it.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 16:33

Your issues with your mum aren't 'clouding' your judgement - they have helped form your judgement.

Your judgement is that whereas for many families, this level of intimacy is good, positive, symbolises love, this isn't the case for you, and your instinct is to be suspicious of your mum's motives. Why? - because you feel that coming from her it signifies intrusiveness, it's inappropriate.

It's up to you to sit back and analyse that and honestly try and work out if your judgement is fair or not.

Because there isn't a right or wrong with stuff like this. If your mum was overbearing, privacy-invading, liked trampling over boundaries with you and you see that starting to happen with the mother-grandma-daughter dynamic, then that really is fair enough. And the answer to that is, keep her at the distance you're comfortable with.

Take this as an object lesson maybe. If you want a certain level of intimacy and no more, then make sure it doesn't happen. Don't leave your DD with her overnight in future. Work out a way to make it work for you and your DD and also your mum, without letting her take more than you're comfortable with.

Now there will be a few people who are lucky enough to have warm, loving, positive and uncomplicated relationships with their mums who would see that as sad - and it is in a way - but as someone who had a very complicated relationship with their mum, created in part by having an utterly awful grandmother who did her best to undermine my mum to me for years and years, I say - if you can honestly say your instincts are just, trust them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/01/2015 16:34

I would have a massive problem with it and would consider it to be a huge boundary issue

Its not acceptable behaviour to bath shower or co sleep with someone else's child without checking if they are ok with it or not.

Lots of people would be fine with it but others wouldn't be something's you just check.

FATEdestiny · 26/01/2015 16:35

She's selfish, yet she had your 15mo so you could have a child free weekend? I bet you do "tolerate" her!

Indeed.

What I would find odd would be if my Mum (whom I trusted enough to look after my daughter) felt the need to check with me before doing this.

OP I think your other issues with your Mum are clouding your judgment on this.

Lottapianos · 26/01/2015 16:37

'Your issues with your mum aren't 'clouding' your judgement - they have helped form your judgement'

Absolutely right TheyLearned. Trust your gut OP. There are clearly very good reasons why you feel the way you do

PtolemysNeedle · 26/01/2015 16:37

It would probably be best if you don't leave your child for weekends with your mother again.

You need to be able to trust any babysitters judgement, and if you can't accept your babysitters judgement, even when they may make different choices to you, then you shouldn't let them take care of your child.

FATEdestiny · 26/01/2015 16:39

Its not acceptable behaviour to bath shower or co sleep with someone else's child

My Mum also co-sleeps with mine until they are about 5 when she has them for a sleepover. Because they often co-sleep at home so it is the most natural thing in the world.

Other people live on different planets to me.

PurpleSwift · 26/01/2015 16:40

Yabu and I think your issues with your mother is clouding your judgement. I think it's perfectly acceptable.

NancyRaygun · 26/01/2015 16:40

I can't see a problem with this at all - but I am thinking that I wouldn't have a problem with MY mum doing it. You feel differently about YOUR mum, but if you don't trust her then you can leave your DD with her.

wishmiplass · 26/01/2015 16:41

I think I'd want someone to check with me first - out of courtesy more than anything else. It's about respecting others' boundary limits IMO.

cingolimama · 26/01/2015 16:41

YABU.

Lottapianos · 26/01/2015 16:42

FATE, what's with the ? Can you not get that other families might do things differently? That what feels utterly natural to you might feel seriously off to someone else? The OP has given clear reasons why she feels the way she does

Kim82 · 26/01/2015 16:43

Wouldn't bother me either. Mil has had showers with dd and I had no problem with it at all.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 26/01/2015 16:45

She's selfish, yet she had your 15mo so you could have a child free weekend? I bet you do "tolerate" her!

^ This.

littlejohnnydory · 26/01/2015 16:45

YANBU, I wouldn't like it. People have different boundaries and it's not something I'm comfortable with.

Hakluyt · 26/01/2015 16:45

If you trust somebody enough to leave your child with them, you trust them.

And if you don't trust her to to share a bath with your child without abusing her then why would you leave the child alone with her at all?

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