Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my mother taking my daughter in the bath with her?

149 replies

Emmylou22 · 26/01/2015 16:09

We left our 15 month old daughter with my mum and stepdad for the weekend as we went away for our wedding anniversary. This is the first time I've spent the night away from her. When we picked her up, my mum told me she'd taken her in the bath with her. I found this a little unsettling. I sometimes take a bath with my daughter but feel very strange about someone else (other than my husband of course) doing this.

I have had many issues with my mum in the past so not sure if that's clouding my judgement or if anyone else would feel uncomfortable with this! I often feel like my mother thinks she should be mum to my daughter rather than grandma and to me this just illustrates my point. What do people think?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/01/2015 17:08

Well said Mrs DeVere

Hakluyt · 26/01/2015 17:11

So if people are not talking about abuse then why is it "inappropriate"?

Discopanda · 26/01/2015 17:13

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU, I wouldn't be comfortable with my DD bathing or showering with either grandmothers. It's not the nudity issue because DD jumps into the bath with me or OH all the time, I think it's more that it's just plain odd, same as I wouldn't let another relative breastfeed my child.

Chilicosrenegade · 26/01/2015 17:14

For me this post said it all. Particularly the final sentence!!!!

Haklyt: @ 1645 today
If you trust somebody enough to leave your child with them, you trust them.
And if you don't trust her to to share a bath with your child without abusing her then why would you leave the child alone with her at all?

Hulababy · 26/01/2015 17:15

Wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest and would have found it quite sweet. DD loved baths at that age and given a chance would have jumped in with anyone. I am sure she has probably shared a bath with my mum when tiny - just can't remember as a fair while ago now.

I can't really see why it is any different to your mum bathing her from the edge of the bath really.

MrsDeVere · 26/01/2015 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlotte3333 · 26/01/2015 17:17

I'm going to say no, I don't think I'd be ok with this. No idea why, because I love both my parents and my boys have great relationships with them. And I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. It just wouldn't sit right with me.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2015 17:20

Hakluyt I cannot speak for the OP but for me (and I think I have a perfectly normal happy upbringing with my parents) I would not want my child to be naked in the bath with any other adult. I think being naked with someone is very intimate and personal thing.

There will be exceptions for all people. I went skinny dipping as a young woman and I might well again, and my dd bathed with friends children when very young, but for me adults and children bathing together is not something I would expect in my family.

At the very least I would expect the grandmother to ask first.

I am guessing that some families are very different.

Which is fine for them, but the OP is the mum and the grandma is not.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 26/01/2015 17:22

I'd be grateful to come back to a fresh clean baby to be honest!

fluffyraggies · 26/01/2015 17:29

I wouldn't be ok with it either. Not because of abuse, but because it seems too intimate somehow. I'd expect to be asked, and i'd say no, i'm afraid.

LovesBooks · 26/01/2015 17:31

Would not have bothered me, my son is around the same age as your daughter and he would love to share a bath with his nan and would be complete unaware that it is not usually done.

BerylStreep · 26/01/2015 17:36

I wouldn't find this normal with either of my DCs' grandparents, and I wouldn't be happy about it.

OP, I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here.

MrsDeVere · 26/01/2015 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaLazarou · 26/01/2015 17:40

I don't have a great relationship with my mum but it wouldn't even occur to me to be bothered if she had a bath with my son. What's the worst that can happen?

TheFairyCaravan · 26/01/2015 17:42

My mum is selfish beyond words. She put herself before her children every step of the way. I hoped she would come good, but she never did. Hence she has never, ever lent me a hand or babysat in all the 20 years I have been a parent. The best thing I did was go NC with her 3 years ago.

Had she have bothered to have offered to babysit for our DC she could have run round the garden naked with them for all I care.

BerylStreep · 26/01/2015 17:53

I think the 'worst' that can happen is a grandmother who already has pretensions of acting like the baby's mother gets to push the boundaries and do a very intimate thing with the grand-daughter, thereby undermining the OP, and in a manner that the OP can do nothing about, because the grandmother was doing her a favour.

A bit like leaving your child with a relative to come back and find they have given the child their first haircut, removed all their cradle cap, or extracted their first tooth (2 & 3 have actually happened within my extended family!)

Aridane · 26/01/2015 17:58

YABU

FlossyMoo · 26/01/2015 17:58

YABU. Sorry OP I don't understand why you left your child with a women you don't have a good relationship with or trust her to be honest.

Fizzyplonk · 26/01/2015 17:59

I wonder how many of those saying they wouldn't be bothered, are saying that as it's highly unlikely to happen in their families.

Is this a regular occurrence in anyone's family?

Mrsstarlord · 26/01/2015 18:00

I wouldn't care. But I wouldn't pick a babysitter I have had 'many issues' with. Choose someone less likely to piss you off next time.

This

AngelinaCongleton · 26/01/2015 18:07

I can totally understand your discomfort from how you've described your mum and I agree with what learned from brian said. It's a tightrope you walk, fostering the dd/gm relationship yet, watching the boundaries.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 26/01/2015 18:13

Ok, I wouldn't be bothered if my mum did this (she wouldn't she's much more prudish than me) however my relationship with her is good, strong and trusting.

The issues you have don't seem to be sexual so that's fine but there are issues which make you question her reasons (rather than her judgement I think?) so I suspect this is a symptom rather than being the actual problem. Honestly I'd let this one go, if she is as you describe she'll use it as evidence of your unreasonable behaviour because it's something many people wouldn't mind. However I think you need to identify what is making you uncomfortable and find ways to deal with those things - if she is being too clingy limit time, if she is being too demanding lay ground rules etc. Talk to your oh about everything to get an alternative perspective and so you are both agreed on the way forward.

Good luck with everything, rebuilding relationships is tough, keep in mind this has to be on your terms and you can call a halt to the whole thing if ever and whenever you need to.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 26/01/2015 18:15

I wouldn't be happy with it. She should've checked with you first and not just gone ahead and done it.

I only had one bath with Dd1 when she was a baby and it was awkward. No one to pass her too and a lot of juggling, I didn't think it through.

My two co sleep with my Mum when they stay at hers. I don't have a problem with it although I have to wonder why she wants too. Dd1 snores and dd2 fidgets and farts like a trooper, takes up as much room as she can and nicks the cover a lot like her mother Blush Mum doesn't get much sleep.

ahbollocks · 26/01/2015 18:29

Yanbu OP. This would make me feel uncomfortable, you dont have to justify it.
I have a similar relationship with my mum and my dd. Have had to put my foot down hard so that she stopped trying to muscle in. Silly things like trying to do her first bath or refusing to hand her back to me when I asked. I totally understand jow it can make you feel nervy and distrustful.

chocolatescones · 26/01/2015 18:32

I don't think I'd mind my Mum doing this but wouldy MIL (no logical reason as get on with her!) tbh tho I would find it a bit odd for either of them if didn't just check with me first? Maybe I'm being weird tho as most people seem to not be bothered by it!