To ask if a non-fatal possible genetic condition would put you off having children?

[willowriver]

Hello,

Here is my situation, I have a sibling who has a mental health disorder which seems to run in the family. I have seen the horrendous impact it has had on his life.

I have to admit having a child and possibly passing this condition on scares me a great deal.

AIBU to seriously consider not having a child for this reason ?

OP, can I ask whether you feel like this a lot of the time, or especially today?
Are you especially knackered and low after your bad night, or do you tend to feel like this in the longer term?

I think I understand exactly where you are coming from - I would love to have a child but I do worry about passing on my health problems.

I have Epilepsy & Depressive disorder with Psychosis, & traits of BPD.

So I have to take high doses of anti-epileptics, anti-depressants & anti-psychotics to lead a 'normal' life.
At present I'm happy (ish) & no-one would know there was anything wrong with me.
But I've been through a lot to get here - I'm struggling to get my career in nursing back, I've nearly committed suicide countless times, my family have had to help look after me which I feel bad about, & the depression (while currently not a problem due to the high dose anti-depressants) is not something I'd wish on anyone except my worst enemy.

I think a child could cope with the epilepsy but I wouldn't want them to have the MH problems.

I'm 38 and desperate to settle down & have a baby. Adoption is not an option for me either due to the health problems. Donor eggs could be an option but I've not got the money either.

I need to be in a settled relationship to cope with a baby because of my health problems - which is difficult for me to find. I'm trying online dating soon so wish me luck.
My Psychiatrist has warned me that if I get pregnant the risk of PND & Psychosis for me is very high. Also the baby would be born addicted to the anti-psychotics but there is no way I can come off them.

But I am desperate for a baby... what is the answer??

Willow. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.

This isn't one issue. This is a whole pile of them. Break it down and start tackling things bit by bit.

I strongly suspect you really are having a bad time of it at the moment, which makes everything else seem worse or impassable. As does lack of sleep.

As I said before, the way we view risk is a funny old thing because of the way its presented to you. You are in a miserable place right now and are focussed on the negatives and the likelihood of certain things. But you are missing the fact that you don't have the same condition and your genes must be cracking to deal with everything your family situation has thrown at you.

If it is genetic, and there is a predisposition to something in your family, start pondering why you don't have it. Its relevant. Maybe you don't have it. Maybe you are a carrier. Or maybe there is a resilience gene too. For everything you do know there's plenty of other things you aren't thinking about here too, because you are struggling to deal with someone else's problems which would drag the best of us down.

I don't judge you. I do think that given the situation, you need to give yourself a break and try and focus on things one by one. I don't think now is the best time to make decisions either way without tackling some of those other things first.

Latara, you have said it yourself its down to the right partner and support network. But to an extent that holds true to women who don't have mental health issues too

Your psychiatrist has said the risk of PND & psychosis is very high. But that doesn't mean its inevitable nor does it mean there aren't ways to reduce that risk. Or indeed mean there are ways to help you tackle those in a supportive manner should they arise.

Unfortunately I do think there is a lack of good support services and understanding in maternity for women who have mental health related issues (I can quote some shocking figures about how underfunding is costing us billions more but I won't).

So what's the answer?

Simple - better understanding and support all round.

I'm an insensitive witch because this is raw for me.
A lot of us don't get what we want in life. This isn't any different. Remember all the good things you do have.

Friend has had so much crap on her plate, not just a genetic disease that affects her terribly And killed her loved ones quickly but a separate malignant cancer, social isolation and terrible parenting from the parent who didn't die young.
She's sad she couldn't risk having kids. But it's small beer compared to the other shit universe landed on her plate.

Obviously, losing both parents before I turned twenty and growing up with a brother with serious mental health issues means I don't know life can be shit, so thank you for your post explaining this to me. It made me feel really good, really positive.

Red, thanks, I suspect you're right. It's incredibly difficult and I feel very torn, not least by my partner who would love a child.

willow - I was in a similar position to you in that a mental illness runs through my family and I worried about having a child in my 20s because I didn't know a. whether I would have it (classic presentation of this condition is late 20s) and b. whether I would pass it on.

I'm now in my mid 30s and I feel very differently. I can see how much bad relationships in my family have contributed to this illness, and I feel like I could at least work on the environmental side of things to reduce the chances. You can never be certain - but then again, there is ALWAYS a chance that a child will be ill, if not with one condition then with another. Or a terrible accident can happen. Life is uncertain. The mistake is to imagine otherwise.

I know you've been dealt a shit hand, and you've really struggled because of it. And I know how it feels when you see people who are, to all outwards appearances, unmarked by these things and you wonder how nice it must be to live life in a way that is free of the constant concern and anxiety and care.

Take my case for instance. I got myself settled, did my agonising and decided I was all ready to have kids. And then I found out I can't have children, which has been deeply painful.

I would go for it.

Sorry to hear that holly, although I am in my late 30s and I have had counselling, largely dealing with a childhood that was in some ways quite dysfunctional.

I think really, there is too much of a chance of having a child like my brother and of me becoming a parent like my own - I don't think it's doable. But just because I don't think it is possible doesn't mean I'm not desperately sad about it, even though some seem to think I don't want children anyway and am using this as some sort of bizarre excuse!

The truth is I wish I didn't want children, but I do.

My husband has bipolar and has suffered with psychosis with some schizophrenia type symptoms (schizophrenia was his first dx)

I have OCD, Anxiety and depression. My sister has severe anxiety and depression. Addictions are rife in my family too.

We had children.

I don't think I am selfish at all. Having kids is selfish full stop, I am no more selfish than anyone else because I had children when we both have mental health disorders. I am aware that they could end up with a mental disorder but I am also much more likely to pick up the signs.

Yeah, my husband goes through hell and back and many times he has said he wished he was never born, but they can't get his meds right after 14 years of trying but that doesn't mean it will be the same if one of our children end up with it. Many people go on to live a full and happy life with bipolar.

For me it completely depends on the type of illness and the chances of them getting it. It would have to be a very deliberating condition with high chances of my children inheriting it for me to have not had children.

My story is a little different.

I have a degenerative debilitating illness passed down genetically by a gene that will only be tested once the symptoms hit hard & when it's too late for repair. Usually the age of 35+.

I didn't want my child to go through the physical pain I'm in now. DH & I needed to use donor sperm to enable us to have a child so as such we decided that we wanted to use donor egg too in the hope we avoided the dreaded gene.

Tests, research, awareness & pro-activeness are all on the up & in the long term may be able to help any child you genetically produce. Time wasnt on my side.