To ask if a non-fatal possible genetic condition would put you off having children?

[willowriver]

Hello,

Here is my situation, I have a sibling who has a mental health disorder which seems to run in the family. I have seen the horrendous impact it has had on his life.

I have to admit having a child and possibly passing this condition on scares me a great deal.

AIBU to seriously consider not having a child for this reason ?

Genes are either linked or not, independently-inherited or not.
This wasn't my understanding of it. 2 genes on 2 different chromosomes - independently inherited. 2 genes on same chromosome - not independent, but the degree to which they're linked partly depends on distance between genes (further apart = more likely to be separated through recombination). Would be happy to be corrected though

Ghoul can you not understand I want children but I don't want the rest of my life to be caring for them like I have had to for my brother?

I know sometimes it's hard to read posts but honestly at times the insensitivity and the dismissiveness with which people post is so upsetting. I am desperate for a child but I can never have one. I wish I was dead at times I really do. And DON'T suggest counselling, genetic or otherwise; I've been up since 4 with someone suicidal again and I'm tired and overwrought and fed up.

Actually given your circumstances and everything you are saying I do think counselling is a legitimate suggestion. But then is that a step to accepting you won't have children or hearing things you don't want to?

Like I say, I do think this is about your current situation rather than your future one though and I don't think its insensitive to point that out. Especially since you've just said I've been up since 4 with someone suicidal again and I'm tired and overwrought and fed up.

How can you make decisions about your future when you are sleep deprived and not coping with what you have now? You feel like you have no future of your own by the sound of it.

Be kind to yourself.

willow I'm so sorry.

I have been there, although never as sole carer.

It seems there are 2 issues: 1) your duties to your brother mean it would be extremely hard, practically, to have children; 2) your children might have related problems.

Are your caring duties for your DB likely to change, or could they at some point, so that you could at least address 2) more separately?

I understand OP. The more I have got to know DH's family and seen the impact on their lives of this condition, the more I understand his decision to avoid it. Of course, there are many risks when you have children, but when the odds are high, I think it's a bit different.

However, it has been difficult to explain our reasons to his family and some have been quite angry about it, as if we are saying they were wrong to have genetic children.

FWIW, donor conception has been perfect for us, and it is now organised in a way that is thoroughly respectful of the child's needs.

2 genes on 2 different chromosomes - independently inherited. 2 genes on same chromosome - not independent, but the degree to which they're linked partly depends on distance between genes (further apart = more likely to be separated through recombination)

Sure, but "relatively independently-inherited" didn't scan.

No, YANBU OP. There are other ways to have DC though, if you are really desperate to do so and the thought of not having them makes you feel suicidal. Might using donor eggs be an option, for instance? Or adoption?

People suggested a lot of options options and you dismissed them all out of hand. I can totally understand your concerns but you're not listening to lots of constructive suggestions from people who know what they are talking about. I don't want to upset you OP but you need to properly consider what options you do have open to you.

I went out with a man who had a strong family history, a long one, too, of mental illness. He had a vasectomy age 27. Now in his 40s, he is very happy with his decison. His condition has greatly affected his life and he did not wan to bring children into it.

Of course, on a parenting site, you will naturally get views mostly in favour of procreating.

Ds has a rare chromosome disorder it has likely caused his autism and learning difficulties myself and my dh have both been tested and we do not carry the disorder so in my sons case it is a spontaneous change if he haschildren( and I don't know whether he this will be likely due to his disabillity) he has a 50% chance of passing it on to his children appaerently due to better testing increasingly children with a diagnosis of autism and or development delay are found to have some kind of chromosome disorder .

Ghoul I didn't dismiss them out of hand, I agreed donor eggs were a possibility Or do you just think I should do as you say?

I definitely don't want to adopt as adopted children come with issues and problems of their own that I have neither the time or inclination to deal with (sorry if that sounds harsh; I am normally a bit frillier and politer than this!) Fostering isn't meant to be a replacement parent - just providing care for a period of time.

Donor eggs is difficult as we are a same sex couple so essentially the child wouldn't be genetically related to either of us. Expensive too! But a possibility!

If you are a same sex couple would your partner completely rule out having a baby?

Or could she donate her eggs to you?

No - her age rules that out as a possibility.

It is your personal decision, you need to weigh up the positive parts of having a child with how badly the condition has affected you and your brother.

Personally I have a genetic condition that I passed onto my dcs without knowing. Life can be hard but it can be pretty good as well the hardest bit is them having to go through the same when planning their own families, if they will,be well enough to have families.

There's a massive difference between a genetic condition and some parts of your family you may inherit.

But isn't having a child who is not genetically-related to you perhaps a solution here?

From your last post regarding the issues adopted children may have I think you are right not not have children. Any child adopted, donor egg, your own biological child may or not have problems. You do not seem prepared to deal with that and want a child with no issues. You can never be guaranteed that ever.

I knew someone would say that six and all I can say again is it shows an ignorance of what I'm going through and what I went through.

With anything it's about weighing up the odds and most of us don't let that stop us but take precautions such as seatbelts or preventative diets and medication.

There is a difference between having a child and there's a small chance they will be traumatised and adopting a child knowing they will be. Just as there's a huge difference between having a baby you know may have mh difficulties and having a baby knowing they will.

For most of us it is about odds. Is it 90% of parents who find they are having a child with DS who decide to terminate? I'm not alone however much you want to paint me as only wanting the perfect child. I don't but it is futile adopting a child I wouldn't be able to adequately parent.

Maid it is probably a solution but only probably. Since we aren't of course entitled to fertility treatment it's hugely expensive and frankly frightening - not as simple as a bright 'oh, we will have donated eggs then!' I know you didn't mean it quite like that but still.

But the point here is actually, whilst you strongly suspect your child would have MH problems you don't know.

This isn't how we do science and there is a reason why we don't do science like this. Being so close to a certain situation can very much distort how we view it and make certain things seem much more likely than they actually are.

Risk and evaluation of risk is a science in itself. The way things are presented to you hugely effect the way you behave. The NHS was doing a massive study on this for this reason as people's decisions are influenced by the tiniest of things.

Willow sorry you're struggling with this dilemma. FWIW it sounds as if your children would grow up in very different circumstances to your brother, because a) you as their mother does not have a significant MH condition, so will probably parent very differently to how your mother parented your brother, b) you're prepared so would presumably spot early warning signs and c) knowledge of mental health and treatments have moved on massively in the last 20/30 years. If your child started showing signs of anxiety or depression you could access CAMHS or a private therapist to help them to learn coping strategies and ways to overcome unhelpful thoughts. This would have a knock-on effect on their experience of life, meaning that there's no reason they will end up as dependent on you as your brother is.
Yes, its a gamble, but if you want children it could be worth it.

Possibly.

Red - I really don't want to get into all that; I don't want to adopt, partly because I don't feel 'up to' parenting a 'child who hurts' (I have read the adoption board on here) partly because I suspect with the issue of my brother lurking in the background we would never be approved and partly because I just don't want to!

Incidentally my brothers problems shimmered in adolescence but only really emerged fully, properly in adult life. It's entrapment of sorts: there comes a point where most people think they have left sleepless nights behind them. We never would. Ever.

So come judge me by all means.

Red - I really don't want to get into all that.

Its not just about adoption we are talking about here. You don't want to address other things on this thread - which is fair enough. But I do detect a certain amount of everytime there is a difficult subject raised you are closing off conversation with yourself too. There are things you don't seem willing or ready to tackle.

I think you are putting obstacles in yourself here too. Probably because of your experiences with is understandable. There are loads of 'can't' and 'won't' in here. If you do want a child, by whatever means, you are going to have to change that mentality. You say you are desperate but your attitude tends to suggest you've given up.

And to cap that off, you are now being deliberately confrontational in saying 'so come judge me by all means'. Which is really unfair to people who sympathise and want to help. The trouble is, no one can help until you are willing to seek it and accept it yourself too.

I really do think you need to start by forgetting about the having children thing and focus on the problem at hand by getting some respite and support regarding your brother. You clearly don't think you have a future - with or without children and that's really your problem not your genetics.

You're probably right. I felt defensive by the implication I wanted a 'perfect' baby.