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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a non-fatal possible genetic condition would put you off having children?

135 replies

willowriver · 25/01/2015 19:50

Hello,

Here is my situation, I have a sibling who has a mental health disorder which seems to run in the family. I have seen the horrendous impact it has had on his life.

I have to admit having a child and possibly passing this condition on scares me a great deal.

AIBU to seriously consider not having a child for this reason ?

OP posts:
Original poster
willowriver · 25/01/2015 23:30

It's nothing that can be tested and I suspect many scientists would dispute a genetic link at all but it certainly runs in my family.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 26/01/2015 01:56

YANBU.

I have OCD amongst other things and do seriously contemplate whether it would be fair to risk inflicting that on potential children. I know the genetic link is tenuous but I have family members who are also overtly anxious and obsessive so do believe there is a link.

It's so difficult a choice to make. I suppose the plus sides would be experiencing an illness in a family member makes you very perceptive to identifying any worrying symptoms immediately. Then if the worst happened, you are so experienced in that illness that you'd likely be a great advocate and carer.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 26/01/2015 02:09

As someone with MH issues that I believe run in my family - and I am aware there could be a genetic link it is something I am also thinking about.

I would never , if I could help it pass on this curse. I could not do it to another human being. That's how I feel based on how it has affected my life.

If I were to have a child they may be fine. They may be like me or even worse. That I couldn't bear.

As it happens for others reasons I don't particularly want children - biologically or otherwise. But if I did I would personally - not saying this is for you - have to be damn sure I wasn't going to pass on something like this to anyone else.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 26/01/2015 02:17

As there is no generic test as you say.. If I wasn't in the position not not wanting children anyway I would seriously consider not having any on this basis alone.

hopingforamiracle · 26/01/2015 02:29

I think it's incredibly selfish to have a child if you have a serious mental illness or disability. There, I said it.

Why on earth would you bring a child into this world knowing there is a big chance they will suffer? Very selfish.

BigCatFace · 26/01/2015 02:48

Cheers. Why does my having bipolar disorder mean there's a big chance my child will suffer? It's a serious mental illness but one I cope with very well. I take medication, work full time and probably

BigCatFace · 26/01/2015 02:52

Damn phone! Put more thought into becoming a parent than someone who doesn't have these things to consider. Because of living with my illness I'm more emotionally switched on in terms of managing difficult feelings and know the importance of self care and routine. I'm with the perinatal mental health team and have been well throughout my pregnancy.

Also what's a non selfish reason to have children?

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 26/01/2015 03:09

I agree with hopingforamiracle

I have Lynch syndrome, ie genetic predisposition to cancers of the colon, womb and ovary. Had first cancer diagnosis at 31. There is no way in hell I could consciously decide to bring a child with on an 85% chance of getting cancer into the world. Treatment is hell and the stress of constant screening also takes its toll.

I am lucky in the sense that my mutation can be tested at embryo stage, but after lots of soul searching we have decided not to have IVF with genetic screening. I still have the same risk and the chances of leaving DH as a single parent are too high.

I admire the OP for considering these risks. Genetic counselling may help get your head round it.

GlitterBelle · 26/01/2015 03:11

I have an actual genetic condition i.e. directly passed through parents, not like just having it the family raises the odds, which is an important distinction to me.

My children have a 50-80% chance of inheriting it.

I've decided not to, because those odds are too high, and quality of live can be poor. It's incredibly painful - every second, never a break), spending weeks in bed, reduces mobility, etc. I would feel tremendously guilty having a child knowing they're likely to have a painful and hard life. I also feel I'm not well enough to deal with a child.

However, I feel this is different to the situation you mention. Mine is a heritable condition, yours just has some slightly higher odds, and I would go ahead in your situation and roll the dice.

Pokeymum · 26/01/2015 03:54

DH told me on one of our early dates that he wanted to adopt rather than have children and see them suffer the mental health problems he has seen destroy his family. In his family it is clearly hereditary. In the end we adopted one and had another using donor sperm. Now we are bringing up children and we realise what parenting is, we wonder if we would have been able to avoid problems, but really we are just happy with our choices and DH is relieved he doesn't have to watch and wait.

lljkk · 26/01/2015 05:56

You could still be a mum. Foster, Adopt, Be a God-parent, find a gamete donor.
Friend has NF2, which supposedly has a normal lifespan, but she feels strongly people with her condition should not have kids.

SoonToBeSix · 26/01/2015 06:04

Yabu there are no certainties in life and mental health conditions are not genetic. Have you considered counselling for your anxiety?

musicalendorphins2 · 26/01/2015 06:49

It would depend on the genetic condition. If it was one where the child would suffer, physically or mentally, I would not have children.
It is about what quality of life the child will have.

Eggwhisk · 26/01/2015 06:57

six geese I've never heard of that before, best of luck with your treatment Wine

MinceSpy · 26/01/2015 07:06

Willowriver personally I would think long and hard about passing on even a non fatal condition. I'm 99% sure I would choose not to have a child.

imip · 26/01/2015 07:27

Dh and I saw a genetic counsellor at GOSH when diagnosed with infertility. Two if four if my siblings have myotonia congenital, a form if muscular dystrophy, not fatal though, but stops them from working. The genetics team told us it was all about the 'expression' of the disease - some people who have the condition suffer badly, others maintain a pretty normal lifestyle - you just never know till they are born. They encouraged us to conceive, the disease is v difficult to test and my brothers won't officially test for it ( don't ask!).

As I also have a brother with schizophrenia ( same brother as MC, shit luck), and dh's brother has bipolar (weren't aware of it then, family hid it). I had a dysfunctional upbringing and we hoped a good upbringing would help and we'd be v supportive if depression was to strike ( my family ignored it) I grew up on a violent house with domestic abuse.

I now have 4 DCs. Dc1 suffers badly with hyper mobility ( I have it, never been an issue!), dc2 suffers badly with anxiety and at 6yo is under the care if a psychologist.

Who knows what the future holds, but we face it as a family. I was really only worried about MC, which no one had. But it was v useful to discuss it with a genetic counsellor

Original poster
willowriver · 26/01/2015 07:47

I don't have anxiety Hmm

Can I ask - sorry but have said it numerous times now - it isn't something that can be proved. Genetic counselling would be pointless.

I don't want to foster or adopt. Donor eggs is the only possibility I would contemplate I think.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 26/01/2015 07:51

Willow I don't mean general anxiety. You do come across as anxious regarding this particular illness. Mental illness is not generic , you may feel it runs in the family but that is scientifically meaningless. It would be a great shame if you didn't have child based on unfounded worry. Like I said there are no certainties your child may or may not have this mental illness just like any other child.

SoonToBeSix · 26/01/2015 07:51

Sorry genetic not generic.

imip · 26/01/2015 08:01

Genetic counselling for us wasn't about 'counselling' as such. It was speaking to top dds about the disease, for us it actually brought up the fact that we have MORE inheritable conditions than we realised. It was factually based for us, so we had a full and objective view of the situation before we made a decision, and not that based soley on our own experience and guess work. That was invaluable. I'd say don't dismiss it as an option open to you, it's there to help you! But I think you'll dismiss t anyway! Fwiw, I have two disabled brothers with a shit quality of life. You're making such a huge decision to procreate or not, that to not consult with experts seems ... Umm ... A little, well short-sighted!

Frusso · 26/01/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
willowriver · 26/01/2015 08:16

There aren't any certainties but given my grandfather had it, my mother AND my brother, I do feel that there is a fairly high chance of such a condition - or conditions, more accurately, as the combination of such is the killer - being passed on.

Come and live with what I've lived with and then dismiss me in the way you have.

I am completely drained by years of it all and I can't imagine parenting a child with such a condition. Of course there aren't any guarantees with any child which perhaps means I shouldn't be a mother at all, as bluntly I want to be a parent, not a carer.

OP posts:
imip · 26/01/2015 08:18

I'm not dismissing you, which is why genetic counselling would help you reach that decision a lot better than some strangers on the internet...

Original poster
willowriver · 26/01/2015 08:23

You don't get it, do you? Never mind.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 26/01/2015 08:29

Willow I am not being dismissive. That's why I suggested counselling. 1-4 people suffer from
Mental illness so it's not unusual that several family members do.
I do think what you have been through has understandably made you anxious but you need support to look at things factually.