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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I missed something about the significance of a pushchair?

40 replies

Koalafications · 25/01/2015 17:54

DH and I are expecting a baby. DM has offered to buy us a pram, we have gratefully accepted as money is a bit tight.

FIL spoke to DH last night and also offered to pay for a pram. When DH told me I reminded him that DM had already offered and we had accepted.

When DH spoke to FIL today he explained that DM had already offered. DH said that FIL was very quiet and seemed annoyed and said he would need to talk to MIL and discuss what else they could help us with. We are, of course, grateful for any help they give us. And we haven't bought anything yet so they can help with cot/moses basket etc.

I am just concerned that there is there something 'special' about a buggy and I have missed this?

Is it a significant gift for GP's to buy? I'm really confused but they seem to have taken it quite badly...

OP posts:
Original poster
Koalafications · 25/01/2015 17:54

I don't think my thread title makes sense... Blush

OP posts:
dragdownthemoon · 25/01/2015 17:57

I think it is just one of those things that is consider essential but can be quite costly so it is a "big" thing that someone can help you out with. I guess the other big thing would be a cot, maybe they could help you out with that.

backwardpossom · 25/01/2015 17:57

I think it's 'traditional' for the maternal grandparents to buy the pram, but I could be wrong...?

nottheOP · 25/01/2015 17:58

It's the biggest expense so around 500 on average but easily more. It's hard to find something equally expensive although the other stuff could come to the same again - it doesn't have to!!

They could get nice nursery furniture which is a luxury. Quite frankly the cash would be the most useful bit you can't ask for that!

ROARmeow · 25/01/2015 17:58

For many people it's a significant purchase as it's (usually) expensive, and an item which is used everyday and thus deemed 'essential'.

Would it help calm your FIL's mood if you suggested another important item which he can buy instead? Maybe a cot? Or something you've been thinking about.

FWIW, I never understood the whole fuss about pushchair's and prams either. With DC1 we bought a 2nd hand one on Gumtree, and with DC2 we didn't use a pram of any sort and used a carrier instead!

Silvercatowner · 25/01/2015 17:58

They could buy the cot?

SurlyCue · 25/01/2015 17:58

I think things like the pram and cot are the 'big' (obvious) things associated with new babies and they probably wanted to purchase one of the baby's 'big' gifts.

I actually bought my own pram and found out later my mum was annoyed as she had wanted to get the pram for me. It hadnt occured to me that there was a 'pecking order' of gifts but clearly there is for some people.

Original poster
Koalafications · 25/01/2015 18:02

Clearly there is SurlyCue Confused

OP posts:
GettingFiggyWithIt · 25/01/2015 18:03

Not that I know of but if your MIL has set her heart on it wouldn't your own mum be happy enough to get a cot or swinging moses basket with all the bedlinen, mobiles etc If I was a gran I'd love to buy that rather than a boring pram or travel system or what have you. Or could you go all out and get them to go halves on an expensive model of your dreams the likes of me couldn't afford? Or a trip trap chair? Think if you explained to your mum without slagging off mil but you said it was important to her your mum being your mum would get something else to make life easier. I know I would. Otherwise it becomes a competitive gran competition and noone wants that.

Original poster
Koalafications · 25/01/2015 18:04

No, ROAR they wouldn't appreciate suggestions...

OP posts:
Original poster
Koalafications · 25/01/2015 18:07

GettingFiggy it's a little more complex than that. DH and I lost a baby last year and DM and I had looked at prams together when i was pregnant before and she had said she really wanted to buy me one. I know I could ask her to buy something else but I know I would hurt her feelings and it feels rude to have accepted her offer and then say no, buy something else.

To be fair, I think it's FIL that's more hurt. I can't imagine that MIL cares that much about what they get us. She's not precious like that at all, FIL is though.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 25/01/2015 18:12

In that case i would tell PILs that there is a lovely cot/moses basket/changing unit/whatever that you would really love but couldnt justify buying yourselves so they get the joy of buying you something you really love.

FreeWee · 25/01/2015 18:16

My MIL wanted to buy the pram too but my DM bought it for all my siblings so wanted to do the same for me. She got the car seat as well so all in about £600-£650. Lovely gift. MIL wanted to buy the cot next but we got given one so we suggested a change chest of drawers that turns into a full proper set for when you don't need to change any nappies. The one that went with our other furniture was £600. She was not happy so we said we'd find something else. She asked how much my DM had spent on the pram & when she found out suddenly she didn't mind buying the change table! Bit of one upmanship there.

It's obviously a 'thing' for your FIL so if he wouldn't be keen on suggestions if you make it gently clear why your mum wants to buy one perhaps he would think of something else himself?

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 25/01/2015 18:25

Get your DH to nip this in the bud right now.

Both sets of grandparents will need to learn to take turns nicely and not try to become ridiculously competitive about the whole thing, otherwise, you're all going to be very unhappy in the coming years.

Speaking as a MIL, I play it by ear with my DiL(s).

Only one has a child and naturally prefers spending more time with her own parents and that's fine. The other grandparents bought the pram and we gave gifts and money.

The other DiL spends Christmas holidays travelling between her mum and dad (separated) and so sometimes DS visits us and sometimes he accompanies her. One day, she might choose to spend Christmas at ours but I'm not going to put any pressure on her. We see her at other times of the year and that's fine.

Both DiL's live hundreds of miles away so we don't see them very often, sadly. (We moved abroad)
However, both are really lovely and I couldn't be happier with them.

MrsFlorrick · 25/01/2015 18:27

Get the to offer you a good quality cotbed. We had similar issues before DD was born. In the end PILs bought pushchair and mine got the cotbed. They were approx same amount of money.

MaryWestmacott · 25/01/2015 18:28

If it helps understand why it's a big deal, when my older brother was born, my Gran bought a big coach pram pushchair, it cost more then my dad's monthly wage - he was a teacher with nearly 10 years experience at that point.

When my Dad was born, it was just as the NHS was formed and my Gran was very happy that she got to have her baby 'for free' - she'd joined a saving scheme that all working class girls were encouraged to join when they started work to pay for having their first baby in hospital, as she got her hospital birth for free, she used the money on a pram, a pram used to cost the same as a hospital birth...

Prams are now relatively cheap compared to previous generations, but it's still considered to be the 'big thing' for grandparents to buy. In my family, my parents bought the cot and a changing table/chest of drawers, my PIL bought the pram.

Get your DH to big it up a bit to your FIL that your Mum really wanted the "mother daughter" experience of going pram shopping together - it might make it easier for your FIL to 'miss out' on that experience if it's seen in those terms. It does have significance for a lot of older generations.

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 25/01/2015 18:32

My PIL bought our pram which was lovely as it's a big chunk of the cost. They paid about £500 for our pram and car seat.

I'm not sure why it's worth your FIL getting funny over it, if he wants to buy something then a cot is also a an expense and something that will last.

Original poster
Koalafications · 25/01/2015 18:33

My DM wouldn't be competitive, neither would MIL. They are both so laid back and just aren't like that.

FIL just struggles to get something out of his head and tends to turn something like this into a really big deal - he did the same with our wedding. I just didn't want to chalk it up to 'him being him' if there was something I was missing.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 25/01/2015 18:38

Your FiL is just annoyed your DM got in first with the offer. Some grandparents get very competitive. Once your baby is born you will probably have to deal with jealousy over who sees the baby more. There are no rules who buys what. I wouldn't worry about it. ;)

Violettatrump · 25/01/2015 18:40

Ask them to buy a cot and sling. Both essentials

flimmyflam · 25/01/2015 18:41

Could he have jumped the gun and already bought one? That would explain why he has to talk with DM (he wants to persuade her to get something else). Otherwise, I would just express your extreme gratitude to him for the offer and suggest that you would really love a cot.

Reiltin · 25/01/2015 18:42

My wife's parents bought us a travel system and my parents bought us a dishwasher. Bought very much appreciated & used almost daily Smile

ChickenMe · 25/01/2015 18:45

Sorry to hear you lost your last baby-its perfectly understandable that the purchase of the pushchair would be therefore more significant for your Mum.
I wasn't aware of a hierarchy. Cot is a good idea. If it's a cot bed so much the better as it will last longer. Plus mattress and bedding. Your parents made the offer first so that's just how it is. As you say it's him being him. Maybe he's being a bit sensitive but you're not responsible for his feelings. Do they have a daughter?
I want that hideously expensive Tripp Trapp thing too

Birdsgottafly · 25/01/2015 18:45

As soon as my DD announced she was pregnant (I already knew) my Mum wanted to buy the pram.

I was happy to let her, as she is dying, otherwise I would if considered it my "duty", that's how it worked when I was growing up/ previous generations, I'm late 40's.

There's enough to buy so everyone can spend a similar amount, I think your Mum should be allowed to get the pram, though, it's similar to helping with the Wedding Dress.

You can get a full bedroom set for the same price as a pram (that's what my other Son In Law bought).

I've contented myself with paying the practical stuff, clothes, nappies etc.

I'm in touch with Paternal GM, so we don't clash for Easter gifts, you've got to be sensible and work these things out.

Communication is the key to solving any issues.

Greencurtain · 25/01/2015 18:46

You could get a pram off one set of GPs and an umbrella stroller off the other set which will be useful once baby is out of the lie flat stage and also it's easier to transport as smaller etc.

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