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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have another rant about friend's wedding

507 replies

cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 16:19

I posted on here recently about my friend who's getting married in November. I'm a bridesmaid, and the cost is already tipping £1,500 for each of us. She is one of my oldest friends, and she is a really lovely person, but she has become utterly self absorbed and obsessed with her wedding (which she has been planning for the past few years).

I have just received a text from another bridesmaid asking each of the six of us for £45 in order to make a 'bride goody bag' for the night before the wedding, including personalised pyjamas, make up, champagne etc. She has stated that the bride asked her to do this. It's not the cost I mind, I was planning to take champagne for the night before anyway, it's being asked to spend yet more of my money on her wedding.

AIBU to think my friend has a bloody cheek to keep continuously asking us all for more money?

OP posts:
clam · 26/01/2015 08:17

Wasn't there a thread recently where the bridesmaid found out that the hotel were providing overnight rooms for free (or as part of the wedding package) for the main bridal party, but then the bride & groom charged (some of) their friends for using them? And when the OP said, "thanks, but no thanks, I won't stay over after all then" the bride threw a strop, as it would "ruin everything."

Anyone got a link?

Shrekandprincessfiona · 26/01/2015 08:20

You need to back up the 'sensible bridesmaid' by sending a text to the bride.

piggychops · 26/01/2015 08:21

Is bride is more in love with the wedding itself than the man she is marrying?

ThedementedPenguin · 26/01/2015 08:23

This is insane.

However I do agree with nerf. Stand up for yourself, say no to the ridiculous requests.

Hope you manage to save some money.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2015 08:25

Yes you need to support sensible BM, as the others are indulging her. You need to start saying no I cannot afford this now. It is already costing a lot, a genuinely nice person would totally understand, if she does not, she is not who you thought she was.

Ubik1 · 26/01/2015 08:37

A friend is still reeling from her wedding experience where bride decided to get married abroad. Entire wedding party paid to stay in luxury hotel for a week. Activities every day. A particular high point was the hen night where the £20 cocktails sparked a row between the mother of the bride and one of guests over the kitty. Lots of. 'Its her day ,' and, 'You are spoiling things ,' as guest didn't want to contribute £££.

Anyway that wedding was my pals holiday for last year and next.

kaykayred · 26/01/2015 08:43

CathyScarlett - In total, realistic honesty, I think you should text the bride to say "X, I'd like to see you for a coffee next week please. What time works for you"

Then sit down with her, and be firm, and honest. Don't be fake happy at the beginning, basically treat her like a spoilt child, which is exactly what she is. Write down the cost of everything you have been asked to pay for, all the time she has asked you to take off, everything. Print off screen shots of the money grabbing nonsense she has been spouting. Hand it over to her and say

"When you asked me to be your bridesmaid I was so happy to be able to share such an important moment of your life with you. But it's becoming more and more obvious that the only person you care about right now is yourself. Asking your bridesmaids to pay this amount for the "honour" of helping you, and then to basically demand presents on top of that as if this wedding was some kind of personal christmas...was really the final straw. If you want to "sack" me from the bridal party then by all means go ahead, but as your FRIEND, I would really ask you to sit down and think about how you have been acting lately. I know how important this wedding is to you, but that doesn't mean that for your friends, the rest of their lives suddenly cease to exist"

Worst case scenario? She flies off the handle and dumps you as a friend.

Best case scenario? You get to live the rest of your life blissfully free of her bullshit.

Icimoi · 26/01/2015 08:43

I'd love to see the look on bride's face if all the guests are totally silent when she appears at church, with not a gasp to be heard.

Seriously, are all the bridesmaids actually OK with this nonsense? When you look at the fact that, say, they could pay for a very nice holiday for what they are spending on this, why would they be prepared to shell out more just because the bride has arbitrarily decided she wants extra presents from them? Have they realised that collectively she is expecting them to shell out £9K towards the cost of the wedding which is, frankly, outrageous? Is it not worth getting together with them plus sensible bridesmaid and asking whether they really agree to this or whether they're just going along with it because the others are?

Only1scoop · 26/01/2015 08:46

Not really bridesmaids are they....6 mugs who are paying for their own outfits ....own make up ....own hair....own single room ....obeying orders re gifting.

And if you don't perform like seals on the day when the clown walks down the aisle ....woe betide you.

I guarantee one of you will 'ruin her day'

Icimoi · 26/01/2015 08:51

OP, you do realise the next thing will be expecting you to join her on spa days to beautify and relax her when she's TTC. And then more if she has any difficulty in conceiving. And then celebratory days out if she does conceive. Then an absolutely mahoosive baby shower. Then the expectation of more presents when little Bridezilla makes his or her appearance. Then the mahoosive christening party.

Get out while you can!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2015 08:58

I totally agree kaykayred, you have know this person since nursery, she is one of your oldest friends, so meet up with her for a 'chat', be honest, don't sugar coat it. November is a long time to keep digging your hands in your pocket, tge fear of unexpected extra coasts. If your sacked your sacked, if you loose her as a friend, she never was one. Good friends don't treat each other like rubbish.

bubalou · 26/01/2015 08:59

Cathy Shock

I don't even know where to start. I remember your other thread about this.

She's a fucking nightmare. I've known people to get wrapped up in weddings but Jesus! Stand your ground with sensible bridesmaid and just try and get through until the wedding is over!

She sounds awful. I know you like her but she really does sound horrendous, demanding, grabby, self absorbed and selfish.

I'll be surprised if she has many friends left after this wedding. Also feeling pretty sorry for the poor groom. Imagine how much he has to listen to this! Confused

brokenhearted55a · 26/01/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 26/01/2015 09:13

I don't understand the Love Actually thing. In the film, that scene wasn't the night before the wedding and it wasn't the groom holding the placards. It was the friend declaring his unrequited love before getting out of the wife's life, and he had to use placards because he didn't want her husband to hear. What on earth would be the point of the groom doing that the night before the wedding? There's nothing unrequited about his situation, and he doesn't need to keep quiet because there's no-one from whom it needs to be kept quiet. Plus, of course, in the film it was a surprise, it's hardly going to be a surprise if it's all the bride's idea.

Icimoi · 26/01/2015 09:15

It's correct that someone is going to "ruin" Bridezilla's day and will never hear the end of it. Her expectations are so ludicrously high that it's inevitable. I just hope it isn't the unfortunate groom.

Moniker1 · 26/01/2015 09:19

In the end the big day flies by and trivial stuff like where BMx is staying that night just disappears off the radar. Likewise pointless pressies the night before or hours spent perfecting the bluddy favours.

Lweji · 26/01/2015 09:20

Maybe she carries a torch for the best man?

I tell you, arrange for your ex to do the Love Actually scene, marry her off to him and get off with the groom.

JakeShit · 26/01/2015 09:23

OP, think about how much you earn a year and then work out what the percentage of your take home pay you are spending on this woman. Now translate that percentage into hours of work. - I am guessing it's a hell of a lot of hours......

Is it worth it just to keep the peace and to save a crap friendship.

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2015 09:24

and so I think she's expecting things

Well, in the deathless words of Bernard Black, she can expect away!

I'm not quite understanding – is the bride getting all the bridesmaids goody bags as well as wanting you to do the same for her? Even if she is, it's her choice and she can't force other people to reciprocate. Saying 'I love giving presents so there's no way I'm not going to' as a way of trying to get people to give you presents back is just manipulative.

She's lost track of reality completely. Stick to your guns and if you're lucky she'll sack you.

Floggingmolly · 26/01/2015 09:26

However you phrase it, op, don't make a big deal of not being able to afford it. It's irrelevant whether you can or not; and saying you can't just makes it sound as if you would if you could and transfers the problem to you; with your lack of funds to splurge on her nonsense;
rather than her with her hand in everyone's pockets to the tune of £1500! Get REAL!!

pictish · 26/01/2015 09:33

I would just say "No. I have already spent almost £1500 on this wedding, and I am drawing the line now. No more. I can't afford it."

I would have no problem saying that, as for me it would be the truth.
My own wedding didn't even cost £1500, so I would be buggered if I would shell that out for someone else's.
Obviously you and your lot move in circles in a higher income bracket than me, to have even got to this amount as a bridesmaid, but it doesn't matter...by anyone's standards it's still a chunk of cash, and too much for the bride to ask.
This display of wanton narcissism has gone far enough. She is not considering the practicalities of her fantasy at all. Someone has got to tell her no.

LittleBearPad · 26/01/2015 09:35

I wouldn't expect much from your Goody bags. I think Worra said up thread they would be full of tat with 'bridesmaid of demanding cow' on. She's right.

pictish · 26/01/2015 09:35

Molly actually I agree. Whether you can afford it or not isn't the issue, so don't go down the road of making out like it is. The issue is the bride's self importance, and managing her expectations of other people.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2015 09:40

Ubik1, more fool your friend. She could easily have declined the invitation.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/01/2015 09:40

Thinking about the goody bags - I can imagine wanting to get together with your bridesmaids the night before the wedding for some giggles and champagne, and if I'd done something like that, I would have loved the idea of putting together a goody bag for them. I love giving presents, and one of the joys of Christmas, for me, is watching the boys and dh opening all the little things I have put in their stockings - a goody bag for the bridesmaids would be the same sort of fun for me.

But crucially, I would have done it as a surprise for them, to thank them for being with me on my wedding day. I wouldn't be expecting anything in return, and I certainly wouldn't be telling them about the goody bags, to manipulate them into doing one for me.

Cathy - I think kaykayred is spot on - you need to sit this girl down and tell her firmly but kindly how her behaviour is impacting on the people around her. Kaykay's words are perfect.