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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just distance myself from my whole family.

58 replies

vintagecrap · 25/01/2015 12:27

Narcistic mother issues.

We fell out on new years eve, i started a thread about it. I was hosting a new years day party for all the family, got told by my DD who had over heard that the rest of the family were having a take away and all going round my sisters. DD and i were not invited.
Mum had made a massive deal over how crap my sister is with ever doing anything and how she would never leave people out, in the run up to xmas so this came as a bit of a shock.
I called to say i was hurt over this and started ww3.

Anyway, noone has been speaking to me since then.
And its been fine.

However, it was DD's birthday yesterday, and she was upset as we normally would see family. So , i sent a text, asking them all out for breakfast today. Mum never responded, but her partner did, my brother didnt respond but did turn up and my sister did reply.

Yesterday mum called in the afternoon to speak to DD and wish her happy birhtday, she had a bit of a go at DD that she hadnt picked up earlier, but DD said she was at her party, to try to smooth things over i said did mum want us to go round, take the cake and then she could see her. So, i did but when we got there mum didnt really talk and then was in a hump because she didnt know dd was going to have a party etc.

today at the breakfast she didnt even speak to any of us, my brother didnt talk to me, neither did my sister. It was actually the worse tihng ever. DD was really confused, i was trying to do all the chatting for all the people, and then handed them all a bit of cake too.

Mum made a big show of giving everyone a kiss and saying goodbye but then just walked past me and DD.
then the others followed.

I cannot be fucked with it anymore.

OP posts:
rembrandtsrockchick · 25/01/2015 13:06

Distance and detachment is the way to go. Meanness towards a child is inexcusable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2015 13:10

Its not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and such people as well make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures.

I would also suggest you post on the Relationships thread entitled "well we took you to Stately Homes" and read the resources at the start of that thread too.

Put physical as well as mental distance between your family and them. You do not need them at all.

TidyDancer · 25/01/2015 13:14

I think I remember your previous thread.

The way they have treated you and dd is awful. Do you have any idea what is at the root of it? Sadly sometimes it's nothing, or a minor little thing that is insignificant to a 'normal' person.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 25/01/2015 13:16

So your mum used the excuse of her granddaughters bday to make a point of ignoring her?

People ignoring me can foawtgtcfosm. In my house it's this x100.

I'm not sure why you asked them for breakfast. They aren't going to change so you need to. They behaved badly and it's your job to protect your dd from that sort of nonsense.

Staywithme · 25/01/2015 13:18

What a shower of bastards! Angry No matter the problem they have with you, in no way should they punish your daughter. Keep your daughter away from them before they drip their poison into her and make her like them. It's only been a few weeks since your falling out and I would say they were banking on you getting in touch and jumping through hoops to keep them happy. I feel so sorry for you sitting there trying to engage with them. They could sense your desperation and were probably revelling in it. Fuck em and their mind games. Don't fall back into being the 'black sheep'.

Go on with enjoying the peace of not having to jump to their tune

DreamingOfAHotDrink · 25/01/2015 13:18

Take your dd away from this, if you can't take yourself away.

flora717 · 25/01/2015 13:21

Definitely keep them at a distance, you don't need someone making every fun occaision akward.

FreeSpirit89 · 25/01/2015 13:25

Sounds horrible your poor DD, it doesn't matter what's going on you doing include the children in disagreements.

Sounds like the way forward to go NC

hamptoncourt · 25/01/2015 13:31

Oh dear I remember all your previous threads OP and you have had such a shitty time of it.

Yes, I would def go either Very Low Contact or NC with them, depending on what you feel is best/manageable. Far better to do this than inflict any more of their crap on yourself and DD.

I hope this year is far better for you.

dalmatianmad · 25/01/2015 13:31

Sounds bloody awful, how old is your dd?

Nomama · 25/01/2015 13:32

One more communication might be a final underlining for you.

Dear Mum, Sis, Bro.

I understand I have pissed you off and, being a big girl now, I can take my punishment. However, you today you went too far. To use her birthday to nit pick and then ignore DD is unforgivable. I do not know how you can justify your treatment of her.

... but then, when trying to come up with a last 'so sod you' sentence I got a bit angry and had a rantlet best aimed at BIL/SIL for their treatment of their brother (my DH). Sorry. I have deleted it...

But I have to say that maintaining an unresolved no contact has been better than trying to maintain regular contact 'cos we is family'.

I hope your DD recovers from her disappointment, maybe more cake? Smile

AmantesSuntAmentes · 25/01/2015 13:34

YANBU! The behaviour you describe is vile and harmful. They wont change but you can control whether they have opportunity to behave this way. I went NC with my entire (adult) family. It's the best thing I have ever done!

Viviennemary · 25/01/2015 13:40

Your Mum was out of order not inviting you NY's eve. That was mean. So you should be the one annoyed not them. I wouldn't bother with them. Because your Mum sounds a proper trouble maker. And there's no logical way to deal with this. I wouldn't send them any letter of explanantion. Just more or less forget they exist for the time being at least.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 25/01/2015 13:58

Im just so cross at them for being that way to DD.

idont know what the hell is wrong with them.

OP posts:
MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 25/01/2015 14:02

Horrible way to treat your dd. I would her and yourself away from them and their shite.

YouTheCat · 25/01/2015 14:05

Just don't contact them any more.

Fair enough if you are willing to put up with their crappy behaviour but why should your dd have to?

reddaisy · 25/01/2015 14:08

How old is your dd?

Original poster
vintagecrap · 25/01/2015 14:11

9 yesterday.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2015 14:12

I read your New Years thread and was disgusted at your families behaviour towards you. The way she treated your dd then was awful, why on earth did you make contact with your mother again! Your dd does not deserve this, your family are awful, go NC and stay NC now, the way they treated your dd on her birthday. Better forge a life just the both of you, than have toxic family like that.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2015 14:14

They treated a child like that, and on her birthday op! Op no good will come of this, go NC for the sake of your dd, you do not need this.

Hissy · 25/01/2015 14:15

Wtaf? They did this to a 9 yo? And worse to you, absolutely leave them all for dead! They should be ashamed of themselves!

They won't be though, people like them feel entitled to treat others like this - it won't change

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2015 14:17

Yes I would send them a final message, due to your appealling behaviour towards dd, who has nothing to do with this in addition to your behaviour towards me, we are no going non contact with the lot of you. Good bye.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 25/01/2015 14:18

You can't change them, you can only change what you do about it. Either subject yourself and DD to more of their nasty behaviour, or step away from them all.

I haven't heard anyone on here who's gone NC and regretted it.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 25/01/2015 14:21

I did it because dd wanted to..she told me to just say sorry even though I didn't mean it as she wanted to see them all on her birthday. .

I told her I wasn't going to say sorry as I had done nothing wrong but would sort it out.

Obviously they are all going to stay off with me until I give a grovelling apology. For which they are going to wait a long time for.
Bloody discusting how mum ignored dd today. How dare she.

And then to have a go at her about her phone too, which she only got at xmas.

Fuck them.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2015 14:46

Yes it is disgusting how your mum ignored her little grandaughter and on her birthday. She could have ignored you, and said bye to dd wish you a happy birthday,but she did not, she look out her toxic behaviour on a child. Sod you apologising, your dd needs an apology from the lot of them. If you apologise to them, you are allowing your dd to be treated like shit and its ok. Its not, they have now crossed the line. Go NC with the lot and feel happy and free.

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