To just distance myself from my whole family.

[vintagecrap]

Narcistic mother issues.

We fell out on new years eve, i started a thread about it. I was hosting a new years day party for all the family, got told by my DD who had over heard that the rest of the family were having a take away and all going round my sisters. DD and i were not invited.
Mum had made a massive deal over how crap my sister is with ever doing anything and how she would never leave people out, in the run up to xmas so this came as a bit of a shock.
I called to say i was hurt over this and started ww3.

Anyway, noone has been speaking to me since then.
And its been fine.

However, it was DD's birthday yesterday, and she was upset as we normally would see family. So , i sent a text, asking them all out for breakfast today. Mum never responded, but her partner did, my brother didnt respond but did turn up and my sister did reply.

Yesterday mum called in the afternoon to speak to DD and wish her happy birhtday, she had a bit of a go at DD that she hadnt picked up earlier, but DD said she was at her party, to try to smooth things over i said did mum want us to go round, take the cake and then she could see her. So, i did but when we got there mum didnt really talk and then was in a hump because she didnt know dd was going to have a party etc.

today at the breakfast she didnt even speak to any of us, my brother didnt talk to me, neither did my sister. It was actually the worse tihng ever. DD was really confused, i was trying to do all the chatting for all the people, and then handed them all a bit of cake too.

Mum made a big show of giving everyone a kiss and saying goodbye but then just walked past me and DD.
then the others followed.

I cannot be fucked with it anymore.

Don't allow her toxic behaviour to seep to your dd, because it is. Now you have to think of your dd and the impact it has. I am sure dd noticed that granny ignored her today.

The fundamental nature of your malignantly narcissistic parent is the same as it was when you were a child. (If not worse.) Due to no reason other than the fact that you brought a child into the world, your narcissist parent is now a narcissist grandparent. Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. But adult children of narcissists (ACONs) seem to show a natural affinity for believing in this work of fiction. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the narcissist to changing circumstances.

It is highly unlikely that your NPD parent will interact with your children in exactly the same way they did with you. At least, not in your presence. They have adapted their methods to the new situation of you having a family of your own. They know they don't have the same power and control they used to so they usually switch to sneakier methodologies. Which allows you to think that they have changed from what they were when you were growing up. From my personal experience, and from observing the experiences of others, the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well.

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will find that the children will eventually stop mentioning the loss of the narcissist grandparent if you are not bringing it up. If you are talking about your Nparent in the hearing of your children then you are inviting them to keep talking about it, too. I can not over-emphasize the need for your explanation to a younger child to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed the Ngrandparent's nastiness in action then you can say more.

what a fantastic post Attila, really op you have to protect and guide your dd. If your dd asks for Narc granny, then you have to say no, its not a good idea, and move on. Now she has experienced it, she will know how Narc granny makes her feel.

Bloody hell. What did you do in a past life to get saddled with that lot?

I think it would be very cathartic to go NC with the lot of them, and I NEVER usually say that. What utter bastards. And your poor DD only 9 years old. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Very good post Attila.

You have been the bigger person. They took it out on a child, your dd, their dgd, dn.... Enough,

Very good post.

There aren't any good sets of grandparents. I see my dad maybe 30 minutes once a month. And that's it.

I've gone nc before. Did it for years and years once. Obviously come to that point again.

Yes it has vintage, and don't ever go back. Its changed now, she has taken it out on a child, forget your apology to her, she needs to apologise to your dd, but you know it won't happen. You need to set a standard to your dd of how she should be treated, and by going nc with people who were rude and and horrid on her birthday is just that.

Not only that, they were rude and horrid to dd in her own home. They could have ignored you and just talked to dd, but they did not, they ignored you and dd in your home. The line has been crossed.

op is it you, whose brothers girlfriend had to apologise to your mother for something that was not her fault but your mums.

Attila for once I wish I could 'like' posts on mn.

Op, my mother is similar. I eventually stopped contact but stupidly let her back in after a year for various reasons. It took her less than 24 hours to go back to how she's always been. She won't change because it's just how she is. She has 4 dc and only contact with one. Her mother was the same so I'm breaking the cycle! I have no desire to become my mother.

I think that is half the issue. I am not like her and certainly do not parent anywhere near the same.
She sees that as a slur.

Breakfast wasn't here. .We went out for it..
We were a few minutes late. .she called me, bearing in mind we haven't spoken since 31 Dec. .bar sat afternoon. To ask ' where the hell are you' and to tell me to get there now.
I told her I was just cutting cake for everyone like she had asked and would be there in 5 minutes. .she said to bring the whole cake. I said no, it's too big just to get a table and we would be there soon. She shouted to bring the while cake, I again said no. I was just cutting some slices then would be there. Or could just come with no cake.

It's just causing drama.
I had said to meet at 9.40. We got there at 9.49.
Hardly the end of the world.

Anyway. .she didn't even say hello.
None of the others really spoke to me. I tried to make . cursory conversation while people avoided eye contact.

Sister had a go at dd that she hadn't text her back..Dd explained she had run out of credit. .sister launched into a rant.

Dd was given her presents. Sister left then everyone decided they were going.

Mum said goodbye to everyone bar me and dd. And that was that..

It was awful.
I text the girlfriend who confirmed it was awful but said at least I made the effort.

But made the effort for what?
A bunch of cocks?

I'm torn between sending a massive fuck you text to all of them. Or just stepping back amd having nothing to.do with them.

Don't send anything.

Yes a bunch of sheep wankers. I would then go NC and stay nc. Your brothers girlfriend sounds nice, don't see that lasting long if your brother behaves like that. By the sounds of it his girlfriend won't put up with this shit either.

Did brothers girlfriend say goodbye to you

I wouldn't reply. Just speak with your daughter about what happened and help her come to terms with it.

Yes, don't have any contact with any of them. I think it is also a good lesson to teach your DD about having self respect that no-one, not even blood relatives can behave like this towards you.

Not sure why you made the effort at all, but don't make the same mistake gain.

Just leave em for dead, they don't deserve the effort or you to agonise about what to say in a text that you frankly shouldn't have to bloody send!

Go nc

The plot thickens.

Turns out there was a row just before i got there. It was busy so we had to go on two tables of 4 rather than a big one of 8 and they were arguing over who got stuck with me. Mum made my sister do it, and my sister was in a right strop.

Nice. really really nice.

Then ive had a cheery text from my mum asking everyone if they want to go round for a takeaway this week for someone elses birthday.

I am fucking tempted to group reply and say that since i didnt want to cause anxiety to anyone being forced to sit next to me, that i would give it a miss, but that i hope they have a lovely night and i will drop a card round at somepoint.

Stop going over and over and over all the ridiculous details of what she/they said or did in all your threads...who cares what all the details are??

She is poisonous.

Go no contact. Protect your daughter.

Otherwise you will have a lifetime of second guessing her and fretting over this big pile of steaming shit and you will never win or 'get it' because there is nothing to win or 'get'.

She's all about the power, the manipulation. Fuck her.

My advice? Do NOT email or text or call her or all of them to explain, just go no contact.

to be fair, its not really going over, ive just found the above out, i didnt know before.

I do care what the details are though, as this is real life, and to most people, things like this are hurtful etc.

Sorry vintage - I REALLY didn't mean you to take it like that. I didn't mean 'stop going on' I meant 'stop listening to and buying in to all this crap - who cares what the hell the details are this time?' x

Wow, what a shower of wankers they really are!

These are not family, family doesn't do that. If these were colleagues, acquaintances etc you would never see them again. Family need to be held to a higher, not lower account.

Bearing in mind, all this is because i said i was hurt when they had a party and didnt invite me and was going to keep it secret.

so, my sister doesnt want to sit on the same table as me, because i said i was hurt to mum and then cancelled the new years day party.

that doesnt even make any sense.

im just going to bow out of it.

Good idea. Finding out all the details of who did what / said what / why doesn't do you any good, and i would question the motives of who is telling you all this.