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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "Love Bombing" sounds good at first....but then...

85 replies

MrsTawdry · 24/01/2015 23:01

it sounds great at first but then you realise that the very first step of it is to offer your child tho choice of ANY thing they want to do at all.

How the feck is that practical?

My DD has been difficult lately and I just thought I'd google "love bombing" as I've heard it mentioned on MN a lot...i thought it would involve loads of affection or something but no...it's offering your child any time they want to spend with you doing as they choose.

My DD would choose something impossible to afford! I know she'd say "I want to go to Transylvania instead of school on Monday."

Have I got the wrong end of the stick? Confused

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:04

No it doesn't sound good at first...or second or third!

It sounds like a pile of wank to me Grin

AnyFucker · 24/01/2015 23:04

It sounds terrible from the off to me

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/01/2015 23:05

Worra Grin Oh I know what you mean but I was hoping for a miracle! People say it works....but really...ANY day out or whatever..DD's going to ask for a Spa day in Paris!

OP posts:
nocheeseinhouse · 24/01/2015 23:06

Tried it. Got 'fly to the moon.' Then' visit x in South Africa'. Then 'I dunno, what're the options?'

YANBU.

mrsfuzzy · 24/01/2015 23:07

where did this daft idea come from ? wish i had some love bombing sometimes !

IAmNotAMindReader · 24/01/2015 23:07

It sounds a bit shit now its explained.

I am disappointed. The term gave me ideas about swooping in with a giant duvet and wrapping someone up in it with a big hug, till they fell over by a nice warm fire and you stayed wrapped around them like that. Until you had to move, to force feed them hot chocolate and marshmallows...I feel robbed.

DistressedAndAlarmed · 24/01/2015 23:08

I've never heard of this before. It sounds utterly moronic.

notonyourninny · 24/01/2015 23:12

I thought it was just being calm and child led or somethingHmm

Dd1 13 would love it, hermes bag, trip to america etc etc

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:13

Is it an American idea?

Runs!! >>>>

fuzzpig · 24/01/2015 23:17

Since when did "spending some nice quality time with my DC" need a poncy name :o

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:18

DS1 - Trip to Holland and stop off at duty free.

DS2 - Ozzy Osbourne concert and memorabilia shop.

DS3 - Chelsea football match accompanied by a shopping trip to the Chelsea Village.

Nah fuck that.

I'll stick to being the crabby old bag they've come to love and respect at half that price Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 24/01/2015 23:18

They tell you what they want to do and you make it happen.

What they really need is child focused activity with you, the person they love the most.

So you don't say 'no', you say 'paris sounds fabulous, let's make paris come here' and you bake Madeleine's, watch a french film, wear berets.

You use your imagination and think outside the box. The goal is the spending time together.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:18

DS1 - Trip to Holland and stop off at duty free.

DS2 - Ozzy Osbourne concert and memorabilia shop.

DS3 - Chelsea football match accompanied by a shopping trip to the Chelsea Village.

Nah fuck that.

I'll stick to being the crabby old bag they've come to love and respect at half that price Grin

momb · 24/01/2015 23:18

I don't think it's about giving the child complete control: it's about letting them know that for a certain amount of time (eg a day) it's all about them. My ED is anxious and stressed atm and the counsellor suggested additional time/love bombing in the home environment/family but we've interpreted this as: 'you get to chose whatever dvd you want tonight and we'll watch together' and 'we're going out for the day and it's your choice, which of these three would you prefer' rather than a 'fly me to the moon option'!

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:19

Apologies for the double post Blush

badger2005 · 24/01/2015 23:20

I don't know about lovebombing, but I read in 'playful parenting' that if you tell you're child that you're free to spend some time just with them, and ask them what they'd like you to do, they generally say 'watch me play!' or something along those lines (adjusted for age - e.g. watch this computer thing, look at this book with me, watch me paint my model thing etc). I have found this to be true in the most part!
I guess though that I don't start by promising to agree to whatever they suggest (that does sound scary), just that I start by asking for their preference and then it usually turns out to be something that I can easily do (tempting though it is to wander off and mumsnet/text someone after a couple of minutes...)
I have found the same thing works with other requests. When they say 'how many biscuits am I allowed?', I usually say 'how many do you want?' at which point they say (unbelievably), 'two' or something - not like you would expect 'a million', and I can say 'okay'. Whereas if I had replied 'you can have two', they would almost certainly have said 'owhhhh - can I have three?'.

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/01/2015 23:20

Laurie DD is ten and wouldn't buy baking and berets sadly. She'd want the real deal.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 24/01/2015 23:22

'Wants' are not met. 'Needs' are.

I have used this successfully with traumatised and cynical children who trust no one.

It's only one tool, if it doesn't float your particular boat then use another.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 23:22

So it's just a wanky new name for spending quality time together?

Like finger foods are now known as 'baby lead weaning'

And topping the baby up with a feed before you go to bed, is now known as 'dream feeding'?

Meh! The young whippersnappers of today think they invented everything by just re-naming it all Hmm Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 24/01/2015 23:24

Yep.

It's so people can 'train' you on it and charge the council money Hmm

It's just new terms for old shit.

SomethingOnce · 24/01/2015 23:24

I think the term needs to be redefined with immediate effect, along the lines of IAmNot's interpretation.

kellywellykingkong · 24/01/2015 23:25

stupid name but I sort of get the point.

when I want to treat the dc o usually plan something and then surprise them with it.

yesterday I picked the dc up from a school and said we could do whatever they wanted (within reason) they wanted to go shopping at the garden centre Confused never in million years would I have come up with that.

I get so focused on what I think I should be doing with them I almost overlook them sometimes

fuzzpig · 24/01/2015 23:26

I think my DCs just have low expectations. I asked my DS what he wants to do with me tomorrow (DH and DD will be out) and he said "watch movies and play games" :o

badger2005 · 24/01/2015 23:27

x-post, yes - more like momb. I don't think that being told that you can do anything in the whole world would be a very comforting/helpful message (though I don't know anything about the thinking behind love-bombing). And if they did say 'fly to the moon' I think I'd assume that they didn't understand that I wasn't just asking for a joke/game, but I was asking for something that we really were going to do together.

When this is made clear, I think sometimes childrens' dearest desires can surprise you with their sweetness and humbleness. E.g. before Christmas I asked both children if there was something that they wanted that wasn't a thing, but something that they wanted to do/something they wanted to happen. I was guessing legoland or something like that. DD (6) said that she wanted a sleepover, which on further questioning turned out to mean that she wanted the family (me, ds, dh) to come and sleep in her room overnight. We did - it was fun!

IsItMeOr · 24/01/2015 23:34

Well, it helped me and DS. I did buy the book and read it, so that helped. It's actually really short, and is written in a very compassionate way.

It didn't fix that DS turned out to have ASD. But it did help rebuild and sustain a close, loving relationship between us. And I know what I need to do when I feel a bit detached and want to re-engage with DS.

It is a naff name though Mr James.

If you can afford it, what is so wrong about taking a trip to Paris with your DD?

I really like that the DC plans it. What I've done with DS is tell him what time we have for it (e.g. 1 night and 1 day) and then ask him what things he would like to have happen. It boosted my confidence enormously to be able to take him away without DH for a couple of nights.