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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think a friend should be there in times of need?

29 replies

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:13

First off I'm having a pretty shit time at the moment but my 'friend' just seems to distance herself. The more I analyse our friendship, the more I realise we don't have that much in common. I'm sat wondering 'is it me?' Or has she already decided that I'm not worth it? I would die for her (we've been best friends for 9 yrs) She isn't taking my advice on anything no matter how big or small I thought that's what friends do?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2015 22:20

I would distance myself from her. She does not sound like your friend. Actually your confidence will take a boost by taking a back seat.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2015 22:20

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/01/2015 22:22

Not sure I understand - you're giving her advice and she's not taking it? Well that's her absolute right. I'm not sure friendship includes the obligation to act on advice given even if you don't think it's right for you! Maybe she just doesn't agree with you but doesn't want to say?

Original poster

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:23

I read so much on here about being 'that person' and I wonder do I expect too much? Is it me? What is a friend??

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mom2twoteens · 21/01/2015 22:23

What advice are you giving her? advice about what?

Maybe she wants you to listen and understand, not tell her what she should do.

Stick with her if you've been friends for so long.

Bowlersarm · 21/01/2015 22:25

Maybe she's greatful for your advice, but doesn't agree with it.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 22:28

Is it possible you are taking/asking more from her than she is able to give?

I have a lovely friend who always seems to be having a nightmare time and i have been there for her trough it all at cost to my time, finances and emotional well being. My life has changed now and i have other issues demanding both my physical time and mental resources so i have really had to step back from the friendship because it was exhausting me tbh. I do love my friend but there is only so much you should depend on other people when you are an adult.

kewtogetin · 21/01/2015 22:28

Sorry but you sound a bit controlling and needy. I'm assuming as you've had a shit time lately she's been a shoulder to cry on? Maybe she's just tired of listening rather than distancing herself? As for not taking your advice well are you really in the best place to be dishing out advice?

Callaird · 21/01/2015 22:31

It sounds like my ex-best friend. I would have done anything for her, when I needed her like I've never needed anyone before or since, she was not interested.

If our roles had been reversed, I would have by her side no matter what, for as long as I could. When I could not be by her side I would have called her daily, despite being in different countries, I would have visited as many weekends as I could afford, I would have begged borrowed or stole to be able to do that as long as I could. She didn't call me, she rarely text me, only if I put something on Facebook (I know! But it was my lifeline at that time, I would not be here if it weren't for friends seeing my messages and calling me or popping by) She didn't care. So we haven't spoken in 20 months, I miss her every day but I doubt she gave a fleeting thought for me since the first day.

We are better off without those types of people. I really found out who my friends are back then. The ones who were there for me, I hold close.

debbriana · 21/01/2015 22:32

Sounds like your one off my friends. I would be disappointed if it were you.

Original poster

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:37

I thought that. It's such a touchy subject. she's had a bay who is now 6 months and mine is 2. She asked advice, I give it then she doesn't listen. About anything. From feeding to sleeping. I get my way might not be her way but she praises me on how my dd sleeps and begs advice (and I mean begs) then doesn't take may notice. She's been on fb tonight asking yet more advice about kids parties and I've given her advice (cheapest,local etc) yet she's not listening. She even drive past me and dd before (I don't drive) didn't offer a lift (we live a good 20-30 min walk from playgroup) is it me? I am certainly not pushing my parenting on her, but she praises me and asks and I give my advice yet she just ignores me. My df has cancer and its not getting any better. They have said there's nothing more they can do. am I expecting too much? To be honest I don't know what I expect for this situation, but the other stuff I'm thinking why bother asking if your not going to listen.

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Original poster

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:40

drove

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Original poster

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:40

I hope I'm not this horrible controlling person.

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Original poster

Rainiswet · 21/01/2015 22:52

Disappointed how? That I felt like this or that I was acting like this?

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 21/01/2015 22:57

I think you've got the idea of friendship the wrong way round.

You say She isn't taking my advice on anything no matter how big or small I thought that's what friends do?

No,it isn't. Friends GIVE advice. Since when has friendship meant TAKING advice? It never has and never will. Why do you see taking and acting on your advice as what friendship is all about? Oh,and unless you are her only friend, if you think friendship is about taking advice,how could she possibly take and act on the differing advice other people will give?

Her driving past you is nothing either.

limegoldfinewine · 21/01/2015 22:57

The early posts are strange - there was literally zero information with which to judge who was being unreasonable so naturally the first comment is "you are completely right - ltb". I don't know who is in the wrong but giving advice about other people's children is always tricky. Why not take her willingness to ask as a sign of how much she values your opinion? Taking the advice (esp if it's pfb) may just be beyond her at this point. Don't take it personally!

DeWee · 21/01/2015 23:01

Well feeding/sleeping etc. are actually quite personal things to decide on, and she may well have different conflicting advice and can only do some.

And for what it's worth, having got 3 dc, there's a very high chance that yours sleeps and eats well because she does rather than your parenting. Sorry to tell you that.
After dd1 I could have written a parenting book about how perfect my parenting was because she did both brilliantly. Dd2 and ds I did exactly in the same ways and dd2 refused to eat anything, and ds didn't sleep.

On things like children's parties I would aks a few people before making a decision, because different people have different experiences. One person says it was just what they want, on another it went all wrong, it's good to hear from lots of people.
Plus what you may recommend a party for, may not be her top priority. Just like I wouldn't choose a school for DD1 if someone told me that their special needs' policy was brilliant. But I might for dd2 or ds.

I have also driven past people that I would have liked to offer lifts. There are two reasons:

No car seat. I'm happy to offer someone with an older child a lift on the basis I don;t have a car seat. There is no way I'd be comfortable driving a baby, or even small toddler without a car seat.
Nowhere good to stop. I didn't realise this before I drove but there are certain roads that you just don't stop on lightly. You're blocking the traffic and baby and buggy to get in takes some time.

And probably 3. I expect there's people I've passed and not noticed. I'm generally looking at the roads or people looking like they might cross, not the standard pedestrian who is walking.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 21/01/2015 23:02

And yes,btw, you do sound controlling if a. You think that's what friendship is about and ,most importantly, B. You expect her to do as you tell her from baby sleeping to parties!!! How dare she not do as you say,what an awful friend

maddening · 21/01/2015 23:30

o one is obliged to take advice no matter how much they care for each other - I love my mum and sister but don't always take their advice - I think you have. A strange perspective of friendship

pinkdelight · 21/01/2015 23:52

She may be a bit frazzled with a 6mo. You say you'd die for her but you really only need to cut her some slack. It hasn't taken much to piss you off with her. And in fact saying you'd die for her is a bit weird. I love my mates but I wouldn't die for them, it wouldn't cross my mind to think like that. I know it's only hypothetical but it's a bit intense. I'd die for my kids but I wouldn't leave them motherless for my friends!

Original poster

Rainiswet · 22/01/2015 04:30

Ok. Great thank you. I now realise that it's me with the problem. I guess I should give Her some breathing space, let her figure out if she wants to be friends after the way I've behaved.

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Surreyblah · 22/01/2015 05:32

Yabu in being annoyed that she won't take your advice. And really, you would die for her?! That is OTT.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 22/01/2015 07:17

You shouldn't question your friendship because she won't do what she's told.

If anything, you should question your friendship because you think she should

But seriously, maybe what she wants is to moan and some reassurance, not actually to be told do A, B and C.

Perhaps she just wants to vent, or be told actually, you're doing ok. She's praising you - maybe she doesn't actually want advice but a bit of praise back?

sometimes people are weird like that. What they want is not what they say they want.

And yes, 'I'd die for her' is really dramatic language. If you actually feel that - then you are too intense. If it was just for effect, then fair enough. But it would be a big pressure on someone to have a friend THAT intense, that might cause them to back off.

debbriana · 22/01/2015 10:11

I have a best friend whom I love to bits. I would die for her because I know I would do it for my child first. She is like a sister from another mother. Known her about twelve years.

She rarely listens to me and I rarely listen to her. We talk about things. My approach to our friendship is that we talk and sometimes I may give advice when asked but never expect it to be taken.

What I have also realised is that people never tell you the who story or things around it. Your advice maybe good from your perspective but from some one point of view may not seem to work or it's not doable.

Think about it. Have you taken very advice given ?

molyholy · 22/01/2015 10:16

You would die for her?? That is a bizarre thing to say.

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