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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that having children is not a "lifestyle choice"

437 replies

YorkshireTeaGold · 21/01/2015 12:19

Sooo, saw a thread on aibu where the op complained about childcare costs and was told by another poster that she shouldn't complain as having kids was a lifestyle choice.

I've heard this so many times recently, both on mn and in rl and it massively pisses me off! My father actually told me not to complain about morning sickness as I wanted children.

I have 2 dcs and think that this is just maintaining the equilibrium of the world. Reproduction is a biological need, like eating or survival, it's not like taking up golf or buying a yacht. I can see maybe having no kids could be a lifestyle choice for some, as could having 9. But a couple? Not a lifestyle choice.

Plus it hides a political issue in that it's really difficult to afford to bring up children atm. I did a online check (think it was in the guardian) and dh and I are 75th centile for earnings. However 1/3 of this goes on the mortgage, 1/3 on childcare and 1/3 to barely cover the bills. It's ridiculous that this is the case, and if only people who truely afforded it had kids then it'd just be an elite minority reproducing. The government should organise the country so an average family can afford to buy a house and work.

OP posts:
squoosh · 21/01/2015 17:44

Yes, it comes down to your interpretation of ‘lifestyle choice’. Some people see ‘lifestyle choice’ to mean things like golf club membership, three week holidays in Tuscany and handmade shoes. Some people see it literally, a choice that affects a person’s lifestyle.

Iveabsolutelynofekkingideadoi · 21/01/2015 17:58

Straw poll: of those who said it's a lifestyle choice, how many of you have had children?

RoyallyFuckedOff · 21/01/2015 18:00

Meeting another human and falling love is a life style choice I guess then, right? Because you could actively avoid people?

iniquity · 21/01/2015 18:04

Hestershaw your right in my dhs culture children look after their parents in old age that is true. Children are necessary for your own survival in old age. In this country we are meant to rely on other peoples children in old age.
I still think children ; 2 per women in a neccesity not a life style choice for society as a whole.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2015 18:05

I have children. Having them wasn't a "biological need" at all, it was an active choice. We chose to change our lifestyle from that of a couple to that of a family so yes, it was a lifestyle choice.

Having children is nothing at all like eating or survival. How silly.

Iveabsolutelynofekkingideadoi · 21/01/2015 18:07

Soupdragon

Surely there was something driving that choice though?

SoupDragon · 21/01/2015 18:09

it's daft to say there's no biological impulse and it's a totally rational choice

I think it is daft. If it were down to biological impulse, there wouldn't be anyone who had chosen to remain child free.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2015 18:10

Surely there was something driving that choice though?

Yes, rational thought and the idea that it might be nice.

angeleyes72 · 21/01/2015 18:11

I do think having childrrn is a choice but I really hate the way people are knocked for having large families and by that they class 3 or more. I saw something on the news that actually the birth rate is lowering. Population is only rising because people are living longer. I have 4 close friends. Between us we have had 4 children between us. It is going to be difficult for pensions to be funded in the future if this trend continues.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2015 18:17

Between us we have had 4 children between us. It is going to be difficult for pensions to be funded in the future if this trend continues.

It's probably better for the environment though. The financial necessities constructed by our society are at odds with what is best for the planet in terms of over population. Not that I am suggesting any kind of population control!

RedToothBrush · 21/01/2015 18:20

Between us we have had 4 children between us. It is going to be difficult for pensions to be funded in the future if this trend continues.

Why? Population is growing elsewhere in the world.

Reekypear · 21/01/2015 18:20

If it's a lifestyle choice then zero government aid should be given.

Iveabsolutelynofekkingideadoi · 21/01/2015 18:21

Soupdragon

You made me laugh. You come across as someone who just gets on with it.

I disagree with you though that it's a 'lifestyle choice'. I think in this society it's been labelled as such and many posters have pointed out that there are biological driving forces behind the choices we make with regards to forming families and having children whether we are aware of them or not IMHO.

camsie · 21/01/2015 18:22

YABU- of course it's a choice. I don't see how you can say otherwise.Hmm

iniquity · 21/01/2015 18:22

1.9 is the UK birth rate per woman. It actually needs to be 2.1 to replace the previous generations.
It is extended life that is why population is so big along with immigration.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2015 18:25

I think that in the "Developed" world it is a lifestyle choice because of all the contraception possibilities and no need for children as a support network in later life. I think this has changed the decision making process. In less developed countries, I imagine there is far less of a choice involved and it is more biologically driven.

grovel · 21/01/2015 18:26

I don't like describing starting a family as a "lifestyle choice" but it is, for most people, a choice to curtail their material lifestyle.

I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't want children but has them anyway for the sake of future pensioners.

Iveabsolutelynofekkingideadoi · 21/01/2015 18:28

Yes but who decided that women should be prevented from having babies via the means of modern contraception. Having babies is a natural phenomenon choosing a Prius over a Range Rover isn't.

Original poster
YorkshireTeaGold · 21/01/2015 18:28

soupdragon... But people are biologicallydifferent. Some people genuinely don't have a biological urge to reproduce, just like some people are celebate. Doesn't mean that the majority of people (as evolution surely dictates) have a sex and a biological urge to have kids.

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 21/01/2015 18:29

For the vast majority of reasons it is a lifestyle choice. How on earth can it not be (aside from the usual declaimers)

iniquity · 21/01/2015 18:30

People who say having children is nothing like eating etc ... In biology reproduction is a defining attribute of a living organism Mrs gren anyone?

financialwizard · 21/01/2015 18:36

I have 2 biological children and 1 step son. I had a 'biological need' to have our youngest however if we could not have afforded the youngest we would not have had her so I would say to a degree it is a lifestyle choice.

I have now been sterilised. I have made the 'lifestyle choice' not to have any more because I couldn't afford it.

AnyoneforTurps · 21/01/2015 18:49

In biology reproduction is a defining attribute of a living organism

So what? If you don't reproduce, you don't cease being alive, do you? A mammal is defined by the ability to lactate - does that mean that men are not mammals in your book?

NomadDaisy · 21/01/2015 18:51

For me having a child was not a choice, it was a strong biological urge that I needed to fill. Its different to choosing a car to drive or career to enter. Is falling in love a 'lifestyle choice'? or is it natural ... like pregnancy and raising a child.

fakenamefornow · 21/01/2015 18:52

Lifestyle choice, I have 3.