to want DP to get DCs 2 & 3 ready in the morning

[whatisfair]

(namechanger)

I work full time. I have a tough, but fulfilling professional job. DP is a SAHP for the moment, but will probably go back to work part time when DC3 starts school. Our DCs are 10,4 & 2. DC1 and I leave the house together at 0720 (I take her to school on way to work). DP leaves house with DCs2&3 at 0825, drops DC2 at school and then takes DC3 to nursery 3 days a week, where he stays until 1500. We have a cleaner twice a week. DP intended to use the free time to do some professional activity but says there is no time (with household chores, kids sometimes ill etc.) and is quite bitter.

I get home at 1920 (sometimes later) - DP has usually cooked. We then share baths/bedtime 50%. Weekends we share childcare/household tasks 50%. Our two youngest do not sleep well. We share nightwakings 50% ish, though maybe I do a bit more (WOH guilt). We are both sleep deprived.

We do very little prep the night before schooldays: in the past, I used to prepare clothes, schoolbags etc. but I have now said that while I will do 50% of this - I will not do it all. DP practically never does any prep.

So, my AIBU is this: I think that in the mornings, I should basically do very little with kids (nag DC1 a bit, maybe make snack) and DP should fully get DCs2&3 ready, and that this should easily be possible for DP, who could start at 0700. I currently get up at 0635. DP thinks I should get up earlier and help more with DCs2&3.

Dear mumsnet jury, who, please is BU?

Also just to touch on something redsky is talking about -- I think sometimes we focus so much on whether we are doing equal amounts of work that we don't really look at the content of that work. When I'm working and my DH is SAHP, I suppose technically I am doing more because I'm working and still doing a lot around the house. But I enjoy my work so my days are pretty nice, whereas an awful lot of SAHP work is tedious, sometimes unpleasant, and not really fulfilling emotionally. So I don't begrudge DH some hours off during the day, I still help with stuff at home, because if one of us just gets to do the good stuff and one gets stuck with all the crap stuff, that's not sustainable.

So I still think your DH is being unreasonable, but I think some substantive changes to get more of a balance would help, not arguing over who does what little bit of the routine. I mean, you might 'win' that argument on the facts, but will it make either of you any happier? Not really.

OK, I can see there are some deeper issues here, but why on earth are you getting drawn into getting the younger two ready to leave the house, when they don't need to leave until an hour later? Why don't you concentrate on the easier 10yo, and leave your dh to sort the others after you've left?

This. Speak to your kids and leave him to getting them ready once you leave.

Not everyone is good at being a SAHP. It sounds like he's disorganised and inefficient, not lazy per se, is that right?

I'm like this. I am inefficient because I am so bored of it all. Groundhog day.

But he has the chance to do work, but doesn't because he says that chores get in the way!

i would have thought it would be easy to ignore chores if there is other work that you want to do!

But he has the chance to do work, but doesn't because he says that chores get in the way!

Does he think that the hours he has (3x schooldays) are useful hours for getting the type of work he needs to do done?

I work part time from home and am setting up a business and I would not find those hours great.

If I were him (and I sort of am) I would want at least two full days when I didn't have to do school pickup.

We are all shit at mornings and ours are a bit of a disaster area. I think of mornings as an "all hands on deck" time.

It seems a bit much for him to think you should get up earlier when he's the one doing school and nursery drop offs for the younger two.

I can see how the hours he has might not be the best.

But if he's not making use of them, would he make use of for example two full days if he had them?

I think that's the problem.

So going out to work where he can't be distracted might be better.

IMHO when you are both at home childcare and chores should be split 50/50 and you should both have equal leisure time.

Your dh IMO is having leisure time when the youngest is at nursery.

If I was you I would consider scaling back your hours and sending dh back to work part time. You are being pulled in all sorts of directions and it's starting to affect you for the worse. I could understand his point if your youngest did not go to nursery but he does.

IMO your dh is a partial man of leisure. Even though I say 50/50 is fair when both are at home even I do more than my share, not because I have to but because I genuinely don't mind doing it.

And if your son is at nursery 3 days a week, is that 18 hours? What on earth is your dh doing in that time?

what on earth is your dh doing in that time? - whatever it is that most SAHP do I expect - see post above for what this one does.

Thanks. I can see that the focus of the thread has shifted a bit and it is quite illuminating.

It's right that in many ways, my life is far more dynamic and fun than my DH. I really do love my job (most of the time. some days are crap, obviously). I don't think he really likes being at home as much as I (and probably he) expected him too. Also, as someone said maybe the in between school run hours just aren't the right ones for a certain kind of work. I wonder if a longer day once a week, where DC3 stays in nursery and DC2 goes to after school club could help. I could try and play with my hours a bit to be home before 1800 one day, and do the picking up and dinner, leaving him a whole day to work - he could really concentrate on something then. It would be tricky with work, might not manage every week, but if it was working we could arrange a more stable solution longer term.

Someone up thread said there was a lot more to do as a SAHP than just the day to day stuff, of course that's true, but I do do a lot of that (buying kids clothes, sorting out old clothes, organising parties, Christmas, social life, plumbers/electricans etc.). I would say we each do 50% of this (no ironing though ).

But most of what you did could probably have waited until another day if you'd wanted to concentrate on something else.

And stuff that had to be done could be done with the kids at home later.

I find, now that I'm at home, I spend a lot of time playing with the cat

The thing is, we are all different, our houses are different, our families are different. The poster up thread who talks about arranging play dates, paying bills, seeing plumbers, buying presents - these don't take time every day, in my day to day life. Obviously I buy presents and have work done and stuff, but I'd never think to include it as part of my daily activities! It's just an as and when thing. And "making costumes" can get fucked too

But if he is genuinely busy and struggling, rather than just lazy, he needs to get organised: online shop, standing orders for bills, stuff done the night before. You sound like you were really on top of this but he isn't, and this is the problem. But,

I say present it as choices to make both your lives easier

1. He gets organised and thereby reduce his "daily" workload and you have as much leisure time as him, and calm mornings
2. He can Go back to work and get a nanny or paid childcare
3. He can run it whoever he wants but accepts he has to give you as much leisure time as him and allow you to have calm mornings.

4 He can fuck off

I think I remember you from before and if so, my advice would be fuck off.

I really feel for you not getting a couple of hours on a weekend even to do admin and haircuts unless you beg. I think if you can jointly address the bitterness and resentment on both sides (whether or it's objectively justifiable - being 'right' here won't help) then the practical things might fall into place. My DH helps me get time at the weekends to do planning and marking (I'm a teacher) but I do have to remind him sometimes it is work, not fun and occasionally I might want an hour to do something non-work related too.

I do not think your DP is suited for a freelance lifestyle, from what you've said. It takes a lot of get up and go, being able to cope with rejection and the ability to defend your time.

yesIdidmeantobesorude - I suppose my point is that all the "as and when" stuff adds up. So if my dp takes a day off, he might think "how does yetanother manage to fill her day" - but if you look at it over a year then there's a whole load of other stuff to fit into the mix other than just tidying up the breakfast things. But then everyone is different and I'm the sort of person who makes costumes, bakes cakes for the cake sale, etc which others probably quite rightly think is a waste of time. It also depends on the complexity of people's lives, how many children, what ages, etc.

OP - it does sound like you are doing more than half of the "home" stuff, but I see again that you are rushing in with a solution. Why don't you ask your DP whether he wants to work or not, and then plan together how to help him achieve that, if that is what he wants (or what your family needs).

But yetanothernamechange if you wanted to set aside time for something, then perhaps fpr example others would sort out their on rugby boots/games kit!

There's stuff that I do for others as I am the one at home & with the time.

But were that to change...

he is BU

our timings are similar to yours. ds leaves house at 7:25
dc 2and 3 leave at 8:25 to walk round corner to school.

dc 2 and 3 are sometimes only just out of bed when dc1 leaves. There is plenty of times to give them breakfast and get them dressed, they have an hour!!

I find the idea that you and dc 2 and 3 should get up earlier, so they can somehow be ready before you leave bizarre!

I am SAHM, dh helps loads, I am now working part time from home as all 3 are at school. I do all laundry, cleaning and cooking and shopping, mostly during school hours. There are actually quite a few hours in the week!

Fair point diddl.