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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to get DCs 2 & 3 ready in the morning

118 replies

whatisfair · 19/01/2015 08:16

(namechanger)

I work full time. I have a tough, but fulfilling professional job. DP is a SAHP for the moment, but will probably go back to work part time when DC3 starts school. Our DCs are 10,4 & 2. DC1 and I leave the house together at 0720 (I take her to school on way to work). DP leaves house with DCs2&3 at 0825, drops DC2 at school and then takes DC3 to nursery 3 days a week, where he stays until 1500. We have a cleaner twice a week. DP intended to use the free time to do some professional activity but says there is no time (with household chores, kids sometimes ill etc.) and is quite bitter.

I get home at 1920 (sometimes later) - DP has usually cooked. We then share baths/bedtime 50%. Weekends we share childcare/household tasks 50%. Our two youngest do not sleep well. We share nightwakings 50% ish, though maybe I do a bit more (WOH guilt). We are both sleep deprived.

We do very little prep the night before schooldays: in the past, I used to prepare clothes, schoolbags etc. but I have now said that while I will do 50% of this - I will not do it all. DP practically never does any prep.

So, my AIBU is this: I think that in the mornings, I should basically do very little with kids (nag DC1 a bit, maybe make snack) and DP should fully get DCs2&3 ready, and that this should easily be possible for DP, who could start at 0700. I currently get up at 0635. DP thinks I should get up earlier and help more with DCs2&3.

Dear mumsnet jury, who, please is BU?

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/01/2015 09:36

Argh DP not DD

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 09:37

Nice compassion there expat Hmm

Yes, he's an adult but if you can see that your partner is unhappy why on earth wouldn't you try and help? Sometimes when you're in a rut it's really easy to see all the problems weighing you down and be totally unable to sort it out. A kind word, a hug and a bit of empathy go a long way. It's not who works harder top trumps. It's called being a team and supporting each other.

zzzzz · 19/01/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:39

Someone will soon be along to say the DP is depressed and the OP needs to get him to a GP, or suggesting he/she might have ASD.

tumbletumble · 19/01/2015 09:40

He is BU re this particular issue.

However, it sounds like he is not feeling happy or fulfilled as a SAHP? Would he prefer to go back to work? If so, you need to discuss this as a separate issue. Some people don't enjoy being a SAHP, and that might be why the mornings have become a problem.

My answer would be the same regardless of gender btw.

museumum · 19/01/2015 09:40

Ermmm.... wait a minute, you call your dp a SAHP but then you say "DP intended to use the free time to do some professional activity but says there is no time (with household chores, kids sometimes ill etc.) and is quite bitter."

So actually.... he was supposed to be working part-time, from home, nursery/school hours. And has ended up having to drop his work just to keep the house running so that you can go out to work?

I work from home freelance and because of that do all the nursery dropping and picking up and squeeze my hours in to short days, always knowing that i'm the one that has to drop stuff for illness etc.... if my dh suddenly said I should be doing MORE house stuff during my working hours and just sort of slip into being a SAHP when I didn't choose that then I would be more than 'quite bitter', I'd be fucking furious and feel like i'd been duped!!!

Is he or isn't he a SAHP? Why is he not getting his working/professional time that seems to have been the premise originally for this set up?

Iggly · 19/01/2015 09:41

Male or female the sahp is a lazy arse.

Sounds like a similar set up to someone who I know who's at home while her DH works all hours. She has every day free as the DC are in school and she complains about not having enough time

I do the Hmm face internally as I work 4 days, DH does 5 and it is hell trying to run our household.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:41

Where is the nice word and hug for the OP? Where's the team work for the OP? Instead the partner tells the OP to get up even earlier.

scottgirl · 19/01/2015 09:41

It's not late if that's the bed time, but I read it as that's when they eat then they share bed/bath time 50/50 so it would be a much later time as it could take a long time to feed and also bathe 3 children.

Original poster
whatisfair · 19/01/2015 09:42

Wow. Am at work (obvs). Will read and post in an hour or so. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 09:44

Can see Muses point....

Was sahp actually expecting to work in some kind of capacity? Has this been discussed?

I'd sit down and talk all this through before situation gets more stressful.

waithorse · 19/01/2015 09:47

Your dp is very very lazy.

WeatherWatchingWitch · 19/01/2015 09:49

YANBU.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/01/2015 09:50

What museum said - is the DP a SAHP or trying to work from home and feeling unable to get established professionally because of kids off ill frequently (with 3 kids and a run of winter bugs that can mean months where you get very few days without a sick child home) straight after the Christmas holidays?

If OP is making the DP feel guilty for not getting a business/ self employed contracts up and running whilst simultaneously trying to go back on an arrangement (nursey/ cleaner/ help getting kids out of the house for a prompt start) meant to enable the DP to start bringing money in this would be frustrating for the DP and leave them feeling trapped.

However if the DP is a SAHP and the OP is not nagging them to bring money in from paid work, the SAHP should of course be getting the kids ready in the morning.

redexpat · 19/01/2015 09:55

What exactly is it about the mornings thst he needs help with? Would doing more ptep the night before help? I found getting ds to cm for 715 v stressful, so i would have my bag packed, clothes laid out, and the breakfast as ready as it could be - oats in the pan, all kitchen items out and ready, teabag in the cup etc and it made a big difference.

I also wonder if he expects too little of the dc. They should be learning to do stuff for themselves.

Re the chores. If the living space is a mess when i get up, it really affects my mood and my productivity, but sgain, tidying up the night before sorts it.

I also lack self discipline to do stuff. unless i have a structure imposed on me i really striggle to do any study. So now i treat days at home as work days, and when the dc have been dropped off i go to the library. I get so much more done.

Greencurtain · 19/01/2015 09:55

Not enough information. I fear that you will collect a load of "dp is lazy" replies, show it to your DP and use it to bash him/her. Not supportive at all. You need to work together, not say that a bunch of strangers on the Internet agree with me and you are unreasonable.

I am the sahp here, I work my arse off. There are a lot more things going on that aren't in the op that the sahp is probably doing. Today for example, I've done the drop offs (2 separate ones) and been shopping to replace an item of uniform lost and then to a different shop to get another piece of uniform unavailable at the first place. Then I went to get petrol and cash and I'm on my second load of washing. I'm just mumsnetting whilst eating breakfast! Everyone else ate breakfast earlier - I fed the DCs but didn't have time for myself! I can't stand people bashing SAHPs because they haven't considered all the stupid little tasks they do that don't get mentioned. OP you need to work with your DP not against him/her. You present DP as lazy, you really think that.

zzzzz · 19/01/2015 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 19/01/2015 09:57

if the DP is actually meant to be working from home, then that's what he should be doing, not doing chores. Up the cleaner's hours if necessary.

The school day is very short, once you've got home from drop-off and left for pick up, and had some kind of lunch break. So if he is meant to be working/retraining/whatever, then there's not time for anything else.

I would say that all childcare when you are both in the house in 'non-working' mode should be split. One of you does evening bathtime, the other does prep for the next day.

The oldest should be able to get herself ready without any assistance, the younger two will need a lot, so it seems fair that both of you help out with the younger ones and DC1 sorts herself out.

I don't know if you're falling into the trap of undervaluing work done at home and after school childcare, but please don't. It's not a competition.

diddl · 19/01/2015 10:01

If the DP got up & got on in the morning, whether that be helping OP with the kids or doing household stuff, they might find that they have time to do what it is they want to do.

There are evenings & weekends as well for household stuff.

Sometimes you have to make the time.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 10:02

Expat totally agree that the op needs hugs and support too. She isn't going to get them from her partner though if she pulls the 'I'm out of the house over 12 hours what the fuck do you actually do all day?' line though is she? On the other hand showing kindness to her partner and trying to work this so they're both happy would (or should) get her the same kindness and support back.

On the face of it he's unreasonable about this issue. If he wants the op to get up earlier and sort the kids out so he can stay in bed longer he's massively unreasonable. If he wants her to get up to spend time with them because he thinks they're missing her sorting the week that's slightly doyen and needs discussion. Of course if the op comes back and tells us that he's up every day at 5.30 with the youngest 2 while she's up an hour later and he'd like to share the early starts then perhaps she's the unreasonable one....

andsmile · 19/01/2015 10:02

As a SAHP it is easy to feel a little trapper, can be easy to fall into 'oh Ive got lots of time' mentality and end up doing naff all - depends how motivated and organised you are. I say this as an OU student who also studying.

My DH does what you do re work and hours except he leave early on his own having got his self ready! and returns anytime after 7pm. I do everything else, and I mean everything - because that is the roles we agree on for the time being. I wouldnt expect him to help as much as you do help you DP in his SAHP role except for 50/50 at weekends.

I do get a bit shirty about him not helping with 'one off' projects like garden or DIY and feel a bit grrrrr when there are lots of tricky 'parenting' bits to do.

BTW 3 days X 6 hours is ample enough time to 'professional' stuff - I am in final yer of degree and I am managing fine. Let him speak, listen and if you do think its acase of laziness, or bad habit creeping in - tell him he needs to change his mindset.

DO NOT GET your youngest ready tomorrow. - Just leave him to deal with.

dreamingbohemian · 19/01/2015 10:03

I agree with MrTumbles and Muse -- if you want him to be SAHP to the extent you are not willing to do a single thing re getting the kids out to school (not even 10 minutes of prep the night before) then also expecting him to work PT is not very reasonable. I work from home and in the winter especially, sick kids eat up a huge amount of time. I assume he does all the cooking, shopping, in-between cleaning, laundry, etc., 2x school runs twice a day. Yes he will have some time but it's hard to get work off the ground when you can't work on it regularly and predictably for a good chunk of time.

I still think it's unreasonable for him to ask you to get up earlier, but I think it would be fair for you to do some prep the night before, and then he does everything to actually get them ready and to school in the morning.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 19/01/2015 10:04

SAHP is being unreasonable. But agree they don't sound happy, maybe a rethink to the SAHP role is needed. Where you cut back to 4 days and they can work more?

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 10:04

Doyen = different

Clutterbugsmum · 19/01/2015 10:09

Why is it everytime someone posts about a SAHP and that parent is male do they have a cleaner, child in childcare 2 or 3 times a week and the working parent still does 50% childcare/cleaning while at home.

Sorry your DH is not a SAHP is his a person who doesn't want to work. If your are a SAHP then you 'job' is to look after family and home not palm that of to other people.

He is being unreasonable. If he doesn't want to do the SAHP thing then he can get a job.

I'm a SAHM and have been since I had my first and I do all the things that relate to family and home Dh works long hours and is on call every other week. But I do not do anything after the children are home from school now, and before other cooking tea then and tiding up after dinner then I do not do any work. I don't do housework at the weekend.