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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to get DCs 2 & 3 ready in the morning

118 replies

whatisfair · 19/01/2015 08:16

(namechanger)

I work full time. I have a tough, but fulfilling professional job. DP is a SAHP for the moment, but will probably go back to work part time when DC3 starts school. Our DCs are 10,4 & 2. DC1 and I leave the house together at 0720 (I take her to school on way to work). DP leaves house with DCs2&3 at 0825, drops DC2 at school and then takes DC3 to nursery 3 days a week, where he stays until 1500. We have a cleaner twice a week. DP intended to use the free time to do some professional activity but says there is no time (with household chores, kids sometimes ill etc.) and is quite bitter.

I get home at 1920 (sometimes later) - DP has usually cooked. We then share baths/bedtime 50%. Weekends we share childcare/household tasks 50%. Our two youngest do not sleep well. We share nightwakings 50% ish, though maybe I do a bit more (WOH guilt). We are both sleep deprived.

We do very little prep the night before schooldays: in the past, I used to prepare clothes, schoolbags etc. but I have now said that while I will do 50% of this - I will not do it all. DP practically never does any prep.

So, my AIBU is this: I think that in the mornings, I should basically do very little with kids (nag DC1 a bit, maybe make snack) and DP should fully get DCs2&3 ready, and that this should easily be possible for DP, who could start at 0700. I currently get up at 0635. DP thinks I should get up earlier and help more with DCs2&3.

Dear mumsnet jury, who, please is BU?

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/01/2015 09:02

It doesn't change the outcome, no, but I do think it is abit presumptuous to assume that the parent who isn't pulling their weight is male.

clam · 19/01/2015 09:02

What time does your dp get up in the morning? I'd be hacked off to be told to get up even earlier if they were still lounging around in bed and not going out to work that day and I was about to put in a 12 hour day (plus pitching in at home both ends of the day).

formerbabe · 19/01/2015 09:03

Yanbu..I'm a sahm and unless you live in a mansion there is plenty of time to do the housework during your child free hours, especially if you have a cleaner. I do not think the wp should have to get the DC ready in the morning.

However, you said he is bitter. Does he really want to be a sahd? It is hard to throw yourself into anything if your heart isn't in it.

DixieNormas · 19/01/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 19/01/2015 09:04

zzzz pleasant this morning ain't ya Hmm

It is hard enough being a working parent and harder still (for some unknown reason) if you are a working mother as society still look down on you as demonstrated by zzzz. I wonder if the working parent had been the man and doing such long hours zzzz would have still made the same PA comment.

clam · 19/01/2015 09:05

"but I do think it is abit presumptuous to assume that the parent who isn't pulling their weight is male."

Bollocks. Any presumption posters are making is because of statistics and societal norms. No one is saying for one minute that "he's lazy so he must be male."

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/01/2015 09:07

Your DH is BUT

I speak as the (mainly) SAHP - that is why you have a SAHP. If you both worked it would be 50/50.

DH works full time and leaves at 6.15am, having at most put his head into the doorway of each child and told them to get up, or chatted to them if they are up. It's always been that way, including when they were 5, 3 and newborn.

There are parts of life where I think my DH should do more (he does no night walking and never ever cooks, I'd like him to cook once a week and be "on call" either Friday or Saturday) but week day morning rush is one of the big plusses of having a SAHP and part of the SAHP job.

As an aside though your DD should be encouraging your 4 yo to do a lot of getting ready him or herself - 4 yo should only need little bits of help and chivvying, not to be "got ready" like the 1 yo.

FlossyMoo · 19/01/2015 09:08

Think It makes no difference male or female and as I said the OP hasn't confirmed their gender but people will naturally assume DP is a man because as I said the % of couples are hetro sexual and a large % of people who use this site are women so it is perfectly reasonable to assume the OP is a women and DP a man.

It really doesn't matter but if it makes you feel better the SAHP is being the unreasonable one. Gender really doesn't change that.

MinceSpy · 19/01/2015 09:08

Time your lazy DP got back to work. He's totally bu

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/01/2015 09:09

Oops B U auto-corrected to BUT!

scottgirl · 19/01/2015 09:09

I get home at 1920 (sometimes later) - DP has usually cooked. We then share baths/bedtime 50%.

Wow, that is late for a 4 and 2 year old. Do you mean you all eat then start bedtimes?

notonyourninny · 19/01/2015 09:11

Of course he is bu. My dh leaves at 6.45 back at 7, he does no household stuff during the week and minimal night wakings, my children not great sleepers too. At the weekend he cooks, does clothes washing and basics like dw. We share homework, bedtimes, baths etc. i do all clubs during week and we share at weekend. No cleaner house a tip ds just started nursery 2 school days and my other 3 dc at school. I would never ask dh to do more, in fact i think he probably dies too much!

TheFairyCaravan · 19/01/2015 09:11

He is. He's got it made. He is a lazy arse, tbh and I couldn't put up with it.

When my DC were the ages of your 2 youngest my DH, who is in the RAF, was away for 9 out of 12 months. I managed to juggle a disablity, a part time job, complete a NVQ 2 and 3 and do the household chores.

If he is bitter about being a SAHP, why can't he do some sort of employment on the days when the little one is in nursery?

TheFairyCaravan · 19/01/2015 09:15

zzzz that was uncalled for. Many, many posters on here say their male DP's are out later/longer, but people don't comment. Is it only because OP is a woman that it's wrong?

zzzzz · 19/01/2015 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2015 09:21

Dp is.
Dp should be doing night wakings, plus bag preparations, plus getting all 3 children ready if a morning.
Have you asked your dp what he/she is doing for 6 hours 3 days a week. Can't be doing childcare, can't be any cleaning left to do, so what on earth is he/she doing?

BaronessBomburst · 19/01/2015 09:25

I'm sure OP would love for mornings to be easier and everyone to feel like they do a good job. That's what she should be aiming for.

Correct. And she can aim for it by telling her DP of unknown gender that they are lazy and need to pull their socks up, both in the mornings and on their three free days.

Flomple · 19/01/2015 09:28

what time does DP get up? Sorry if I've missed that bit.

YANBU if DP gets up after you, but something is going wrong if DC3 is in nursery 3 days pw, you have a cleaner 2x per week, and DP reckons no time for work. Housework and looking after sick children does not take 3 days per week. Sounds like DP is in a bit of a rut and struggling to achieve much and, much as I know that is frustrating to you, you prob need to be part of the solution. This doesn't mean you should do more than your fair share at all, but it does mean that you might need to bite back your frustration and look sympathetically for solutions. Could DP do a course outside the home? Or you both sit down together and decide what needs to change for DP's work to get done, because 3 days in nursery plus cleaner is not doing what you both hoped it would.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 09:29

What formerbabe said. He is being unreasonable but equally if this arrangement isn't working for him you both need to sit down together and work out how you can both be happy.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:29

19.20 not late at all.

TinyTear · 19/01/2015 09:32

19:20 isnt' late, my DD wouldn't go to sleep that early... her 8pm bedtime is perfect for her and gives my DH who also gets home around 19ish the time to spend with her in the evening (although he does take her to nursery in the morning)

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:33

Oh, please, Flo. This person is an adult, he can puzzle out his own solutions. She's already doing a 12+ hour day outside the home and plenty in it, too, but need to not show frustration and mollycoddle the poor dear?

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 09:33

Massive cross posts because I didn't refresh. Flomple also has it nailed

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/01/2015 09:34

I hope OP is going to get her DP to read this...

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/01/2015 09:35

I would say though that if you want to argue DO is a SAHP and should bedoing all ggetting kids ready, all night waking, all cooking, and all school holiday and illness childcare you may be being unreasonable if you are expecting him (or her) to get established as self employed/ contracting/ earning money.

If you want your DD to work you do have to be prepared to help when a child is ill/ during holidays - I work a couple of evenings but couldn't if DH got home at an unpredictable time, and my attempts to do more in the child free 3 term time hours a day I theoretically get have been partially scuppered by a run of bugs added onto Christmas holidays meaning weeks on end where I can't get proper stretches uninterrupted to allow me to focus on paid or potentially paid work, plus ill childrenmean more night waking and ffuzzed brain...