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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset about my friend's reaction to no babysitter

77 replies

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 00:34

My closest friend recently got engaged and is planning the wedding for a couple of years time and has asked me to be MOH. Obviously she's very excited and wants to do everything now .

There's a wedding fair next weekend she wants us to go to however I've been unable to get a babysitter for my 2 year old DD. I told her this the other day but said that we could still go but DD would have to come too. I know it's not ideal but I thought it would be better than me not going at all. My friend didn't appear too happy about it, got a bit huffy and left to go home shortly afterwards (much earlier than expected).

I appreciate it's not ideal however my DD would be in her buggy and not running around etc. I don't know, just feeling a bit torn! My friend is childless so I know she won't always get how hard it can be to try and juggle everything with friends etc but I sometimes feel she thinks my child is something that's just "there" and a bit of hindrance IYSWIM.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 19/01/2015 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetsForMySweet · 19/01/2015 01:02

YANBU, your friend is being unreasonable. If you can't find a babysitter, it shouldn't be a big deal to bring your dd along. Your friend will either have to get over it or be okay with you not going. Especially when the wedding is some time off yet. That's just how it is when a friend has a small dc, priorities differ

ChaircatMiaow · 19/01/2015 01:07

Be very afraid OP. Sounds like your friend is wandering into bridezilla territory already.

Lweji · 19/01/2015 01:14

Just keep doing what you need to.
If she continues with that attitude, LTB to sort out her own wedding or find another MOH.

Sceptimum · 19/01/2015 04:06

She's being unreasonable. Weddings do bring that out in people.

If she's a good friendly normally, and you can get a sitter easily some other time, maybe organise a post-fair catch-up over drinks to discuss wedding stuff after, when she's had a chance to digest the fair? You could address it head on and set the tone for the wedding prep going forward; let her know you are sorry if she was disappointed but your daughter needed you too, and that doesn't mean you're not excited about her wedding.

wickedlazy · 19/01/2015 04:45

Just ask her would it be better if you didn't go and she could ask someone else (a regular bridesmaid, her mum etc) and have some peace to look around and stay as long as she liked, because if you come you'll have to bring dd and you understand if she would prefer not having a child come. I think for something like that I would rather go alone than have my friend bring their dc. Maybe she was more huffy that you are now bringing dd, when she would rather not have a child there, and she can't dis-invite you both without seeming rude, than you not coming. Iyswim.

wickedlazy · 19/01/2015 04:51

My friend has no kids and can see my ds as a bit of a hindrance sometimes. But if she asks me to go anywhere and I'd have to bring him, I do tell her "I'd have to bring ds, so we can leave doing x to another day or you could ask y" sometimes she says "okay we'll do x day/i'll ask y instead" and sometimes she says "no it'll be grand, bring ds". Depends what mood she's in.

nooka · 19/01/2015 04:56

Sounds like a great excuse not to go to a wedding fair! Surely there will be other opportunities in the next couple of years (why such a long engagement?) No need to get huffy anyway.

Hurr1cane · 19/01/2015 05:38

Just maybe make it clear that you're quite happy to not go because a child would change the dynamics of the day, but also quite happy to come and bring DD? Maybe she thought you were trying to either back out or definitely come with your DD? It sounds a strange reaction otherwise.

blackteaplease · 19/01/2015 05:45

Is your 2 year old happy to sit in the pushchair for hours while you give your friend your full attention? Mine wouldn't be. For me that would be an awful day trying to please everyone and keep a toddler quiet.

Can you back out gracefully and either suggest someone else goes or find another wedding fair when you have child care?

Iggly · 19/01/2015 06:24

A toddler and a wedding fair? Are you mad? Have you been to one before?

You're yabu for suggesting it but your friend is even more U for getting huffy.

Pagwatch · 19/01/2015 06:37

Yes, a toddler at a wedding faîr sounds horrendous.

Of course your friend is being unreasonable but, if you like her and she is normally nice, is it just disappointment?
She probably imagined you wafting around, looking a dresses and having some fizz and a child in a buggy totally changes that. Of course a wedding fair would not be wafty anyway but maybe it's just that the day she had in her head is now gone?

I honestly think you need to decide how you feel about her.
If you love her and want to be her moh then stick with it. If you are not sure and are not close enough to her to discuss the fact that having a toddler does mean you can't run around to everything she want to do, then maybe you should back out now.

diddl · 19/01/2015 07:01

I'd suggest that she find someone else tbh.

Sounds awful for your daughter.

Unless she's after something that only you can help with?

wigglesrock · 19/01/2015 07:05

I find my own kids a bit of a hindrance sometimes. Yes, she's being a bit of a dick to get huffy and for me it would be short notice to get a babysitter but it won't be the same with a child in a buggy. With the best will in the world it just won't.

If you are close friends can you not just put it down to one of you being a bit dicky and move on. As long as you don't get the hump if she goes to the wedding fair on her own or with someone else.

Blu · 19/01/2015 07:12

I think you need to be direct, clear and realistic with her . She has clearly entered bridal cloud cuckoo land and wants to float on it. Your reality burst the bubble. I think you should talk to her , tell her that actually you realise that a toddler at the fair is not practical, and that for you, this is the reality sometimes. That unfortunately you cannot always give her event your first call, undivided attention . I would also say to her that if she wants someone to be alongside her for the whole wedding planning journey you will understand if she picks someone else. Or say the MOH doesn't have to do everything and why doesn't she take another friend / bridesmaid to the fair?

I wouldn't want to be trying to keep a 2 year old out of all the frocks etc...

NutcrackerFairy · 19/01/2015 07:15

What about your DDs father, could he look after her while you visit the wedding fair with your friend?

SoupDragon · 19/01/2015 07:15

I think I'm with your friend. A toddler at a wedding fair will be a nightmare, the buggy is going to be a PITA if it's busy and your 2 yr old is likely to get very very bored stuck in a buggy at a dull wedding fair.

Topseyt · 19/01/2015 07:17

Two years isn't a long engagement. Mine was three years. Getting the money together for the wedding can take that long if you are paying for it yourselves. Doesn't mean there is an issue there.

Anyway, your friend is being unreasonable, and rather ignorant about how it is for people with children. Is she allowing them at the wedding? Or will you be asked not to bring her there too? Just be prepared??

KnackeredMerrily · 19/01/2015 07:20

Yanbu, it's not your wedding - why doesn't she ask the groom to go with her?!

Whocansay · 19/01/2015 07:21

I think you lot are being really mean about the bride. She isn't demanding anything here. She clearly has a plan in her head that doesn't include someone else's child. Why is that a crime?

I don't think anyone is unreasonable as such, but decline this event OP. By taking your 2 year old, you are guaranteeing a miserable time is had by all. Your child will find it massively boring, you won't be able to concentrate on any of the wedding stuff properly and your mate will just get annoyed. Let her take someone else so she can enjoy it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2015 07:21

Just tell her you cant make it to the wedding fayre.
Yanbu btw.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 19/01/2015 07:22

Good grief... I would so not want to go around a wedding fair with a 2 year old and the very suggestion of it sounds ridiculous in my opinion.

So simply 'I'm sorry I can't come, I can't get a babysitter' would suffice. Suggesting bringing your child would put me in a grump too and I'm a mother (so it's nothing about her childless state). She doesn't need to be bridezilla-y about it, but your suggestion is daft.

diddl · 19/01/2015 07:22

"I think I'm with your friend. A toddler at a wedding fair will be a nightmare,"

It's not as if Op is demanding to take her daughter though!

So they either make the best of a bad job, the bride finds someone else or they wait for another fayre.

Op, did you tell her that it's OK to ask someone else?

fluffyraggies · 19/01/2015 07:24

If you cant get a babysitter you cant. I would take the huffiness as a warning sign tbh! I had a childless friend who just didn't get what parenthood entails sometimes. And why would she? Neither did i till i became one! :)

Personally there's no way i'd put a 2 year old through a wedding fair. It's going to be awful for the child and the buggy means that you wont have the freedom to really enjoy the fair. Any crowds around a particular stall and you'll have to hang back, leaving your friend push through alone, or not get to see that bit.

I'd suggest the same as other posters. Let her know you cant do this one (there's more than one wedding fair each year) and that she should take someone else.

londonrach · 19/01/2015 07:24

Yabu its not fair on your dd these fairs are boring for children. Use it as an excuse not to go.

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