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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset about my friend's reaction to no babysitter

77 replies

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 00:34

My closest friend recently got engaged and is planning the wedding for a couple of years time and has asked me to be MOH. Obviously she's very excited and wants to do everything now .

There's a wedding fair next weekend she wants us to go to however I've been unable to get a babysitter for my 2 year old DD. I told her this the other day but said that we could still go but DD would have to come too. I know it's not ideal but I thought it would be better than me not going at all. My friend didn't appear too happy about it, got a bit huffy and left to go home shortly afterwards (much earlier than expected).

I appreciate it's not ideal however my DD would be in her buggy and not running around etc. I don't know, just feeling a bit torn! My friend is childless so I know she won't always get how hard it can be to try and juggle everything with friends etc but I sometimes feel she thinks my child is something that's just "there" and a bit of hindrance IYSWIM.

OP posts:

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 08:24

YANBU to be upset. SINBU to be disappointed. Not everyone wants children at paces but sucking it it up...sometimes you do have to do.

To play DA though, I know someone who is such a helicopter parent, so much so that even our friends with kids don't like to meet her with her child. She is so completely absorbed by them that there really is/was no point her coming out anywhere, she blanks everyone else. Her DD gets more and more high maintenance every time I see her because she can't even pause for a moment without mum (and dad) asking 'what's wrong' and hovering. Sometimes the poor child is the one to irritably push them away!

So maybe your friend thinks it will change the dynamic, maybe she's being a sulky mare and wants you all to herself but also maybe she knows there's no point because it will be all about your DC rather then the fair?

Might be one of those or none of those. I think she is getting very over excited though to be going to wedding fairs with the wedding two years away! If anything, she's best to find the venue and leave the fairs for another 6 months/year. They'll likely be another fair that you both can go to, perhaps even the same one next year?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 08:24

Then friend instead of getting huffy, should communicate, and tell op yes I would prefer dd not to be there, but I know that it's not possible so, so will go to this one without, hopefully you can make the next one. It requires understanding and communication on both parts.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 08:30

I agree aero, I do wonder though if the OP was upset then the bride would have seen her as huffy too?

The bride may have been disappointed, is all, or a sulky one. The OP could have come across huffy herself to the Bride- different perspectives.

CeCeLaine · 19/01/2015 08:41

The way i read the op, was that she wasn't saying that the child would be coming regardless, but that if the BTB wanted op there then she would have no option but to bring her dd.

The bride is nbu to not want toddler there tbh but she could have just said she would prefer it just the two of them. She didn't need to get huffy and leave early because of it.
She will need to get used to the idea that Op needs to put her daughter first and cant be at the brides beck and call for the next 2 years!!!

Op I would contact your friend and tell her you tried to get a sitter but with no luck so it would be better to get someone else to go instead.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 08:44

Exactly cece, op dd is her priority, not the bride. The bride knew op had a child, before asking her, obviously op will be restricted with what she can do. Even as a childless person, I knew this. I suppose op should have said, I am afraid I cannot make it, as I don't have anyone to look after dd, I çoukd bring her a long and go, if you like. Than bride has tge option of saying no, hopefully see you at the next one.

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 08:53

Have just checked back in, will read through your replies and respond!

From a couple I've seen, my friend was by MOH nearly 6 years ago.. She did the wedding fairs with me back then. Back then we went out all day and drank champagne at them then stayed out for cocktails. I can understand why she would think it would be the same for hers however things are slightly different for me now having DD! I would love to be able to do that but I can't always. I'm very lucky in that I normally can get a babysitter quite easily (my mum) and I think my friend is used to that. DD's dad is working that day. He's organised his shift that day so friend and I can go out for a quick drink at our local pub after the wedding fair to talk about it for a couple of hours then we've invited her and her fiance back to ours for dinner so I thought we were really trying to make the day about the 2 of them (where possible).

I'm her only close friend really and I know that shes very excited (obviously) about it. I know what it's like having got married already and my friend has been "waiting" for this a long time. When she got engaged she told me we were going to Marbella for her hen weekend! She doesn't know we're TTC (she has fertility problems and is currently undergoing treatment) and I'm worried this is now the tip of the iceberg...

Sorry, that update seems like I'm drip feeding, that was unintentional.

FWIW my DD is perfectly happy sitting in her buggy for a few hours, she will be entertained by all the people and glittery things! She is never an issue when out and about. Out for dinner would be a different matter right enough!

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/01/2015 08:55

No you're not B.U. If you can't get s baby sitter what does she suggest you do leave your child to fend for her self while you fuss over her and her wedding plans yes whoppie dooo she's just got engaged but that don't mean the world has to stop.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 09:03

Oh gosh, if she is your close friend, I would certainly sit down and talk to her. I would be open and honest about the hen weekend and you TTC. So it does not become a shock for her, expecting you to go to marbs, you are oregnant. Without that, it certainly would be a problem, if your husband works. I think you need a good honest talk with her.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:04

If you are her only friend OP then that explains it more. She expects more of you because there is no one else. She also expects you to do for her as she did for you. She may even be slightly jealous of your DC if she has fertility problems. I think you are right about the tip of the iceberg, sadly.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:04

You deifnitely do have to talk with her, be honest and let her be honest back.

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 09:12

Me too fishinabarrell.

The engagement is very recent and I get several text updates about the wedding weekly. I'm being very supportive and looking at the bigger picture as I know what it's taken for her to get here but I'm concerned this could really test our friendship long term. She is being very presumptious about what I'm able to give however I am giving her the benefit of the doubt since it's still so early into the planning stage. I will talk to her about this but this is all very recent so she is understandably caught up in the whirlwind. In the grand scheme of things she's only asked me to a wedding fair so far so it's a case of one step at a time. I really don't want to burst her bubble already! I can see though that I may need to address this further down the line especially if I fall pregant!

My DH and I talked at length about telling my friend we were TTC however we decided against it for several reasons that are based on how well I know my friend and what her likely reaction would be to it (very very upset).

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 19/01/2015 09:16

I would honestly talk with her now.
Find a day when you can get a babysitter and go out for a drink or something. Then ask her what she wants you to do
' I'm so pleased to be your moh and I am so happy for you, excited too about your wedding, but I'm worried that I am not going to be able to do all that you want given that my time is not flexible. I don't want this to be an issue and I don't want you to expect more from me than I can give. Let's talk about it"

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:19

Oh dear, poor you OP. Take it as it comes but I'd definitely talk to her about time and things like that.

It's hard with ttc. Do you say now and then cause upset but it may take a year or two. Or keep quiet and be pregnant the next time you see her.

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 09:24

I'm worried about talking to her about it! She'll think I'm letting her down. Especially as she was my MOH.

It could take us a long time to get pregnant and I don't want that hanging over her head especially the closer it gets to her wedding!

OP posts:

Bakeoffcakes · 19/01/2015 09:29

2 year olds and wedding fairs do not mix. I'm not surprised she's a bit upset.

Pagwatch · 19/01/2015 09:30

Ok. FWIW I think you need to withdraw now.

You can't talk to her, you clearly do not have a close enough friendship to discuss it so, to be honest, you are not actually good friends.
Being her moh when you are not really close friends is not kind to either of you. If you let this continue it will end badly.

Are you sure she didn't feel obliged to ask you because she was yours?

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 09:31

Sorry, just read a couple more of your replies.

Her getting engaged is massive. She's seen many close friends and siblings get married and also have children and that is all she's wanted. We talk often about her fertility problems and she's right slap bang in the middle of treatments. Finally she's engaged after being with her partner for 7+ years so it's now her "turn". I really don't want to rain on her parade.

Currently I'm just smiling and nodding a lot

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2015 09:33

I think you need to be really honest with her, and say that things can't be the same as they were when you got married, because you have your DD and are hoping to add to your family.

If she gets shitty with you, then that will explain why you are the only person who she is close with! She then gets to choose to either be reasonable and keep your friendship, or throw a hissy fit and find herself even more alone.

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 09:38

No, it's not a case of asking me out of obligation. We have been friends for a long long time and have been through a lot together. She really doesn't have anyone else to ask. Her other friends are more through her partner's other halves.

We have been there for each other but it has been difficult, understandably, since I became pregnant then had DD. She was still into partying and nights out and the dynamic changed. I hardly saw her throughout my pregnancy and she doesn't really interact with DD. We've got closer again in the past year or so but from her point of view I had everything she wanted and I think that was difficult for her to deal with. I completely understand that and do not hold it against her. I know she'd be there if I needed her.

I can't bow out, that would the end of the friendship. It's not as black and white as that.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/01/2015 09:48

But if you are TTC, (and I don't think that that is her business), you could be very pregnant, have a newborn at any time & not be able to be her MOH at all.

I think you have to ask her what she wants from you.

It may not be that much, but that you can't go to every wedding fayre.

Maybe agree on a certain number?

Does she not want any siblings/Ils involved to take the pressure from you?

i only had one MOH, she had two young children.

I invited her to everything obviously but didn't rely on her.

Whatever could be done at her house was if necessary.

MsVestibule · 19/01/2015 10:10

I second the pp's who say you really, really need to have a proper talk with her so you both have realistic expectations of what your role is. (It's all a bit alien to me, these seemingly extensive chief bridesmaid/matron of honour duties, but I realise everybody does things differently.)

Maybe something along the lines of 'You helped me so much when I was getting married and although I would love to return the favour now, I also have other commitments. Are there any other wedding fairs coming up where I could come to?' Shows willing, but politely points out that you can't be at her beck and call.

TBH, in this situation, I don't think either of YABU.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2015 10:18

I really really think you owe it to her, to be honest and up front with her. You sound really close, and it would be a big shame if you fell out over this. I would definitely be honest about you TTC, if you fall pregnant you will have to tell her anyway. I asked my close friend to be bridesmaid, and soon after she fell pregnant, I did give her the option of not being bridesmaid, because by the time of the wedding, she would be 8 months pregnant. But she was adament. She was bm, and she had a great time. No talk to her and be honest.

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2015 10:39

Your DD will hate the wedding fair
This will make you stressed so you will hate the wedding fair
The Bride will pick up n this and hate the Wedding fair!!!!
As a bride I would rather have gone on my own than with a 2 year old to be honest but pre DC I wouldn't really understand why you were bringing your dd so mght have been a bit huffy

Lweji · 19/01/2015 10:52

First, if you have trouble getting a babysitter, and she really wants you there, why won't she organise one? Like the groom, for example, or her own mum?

Then, she will probably expect support and get togethers when (if) she has her own child too. For all you know she may also get pregnant in the time it gets to her wedding, if she is having fertility treatment (i.e. also TTC). I can't see that it's a problem if you get pregnant.

Finally, you should talk to her about your own limitations and she should get other bridesmaids on board (maybe a deputy MOH just in case), so that she will be able to get someone with her and share your load.

Original poster

ewecaaaNT · 19/01/2015 11:19

Thanks everyone. Appreciate all the replies.

Yes, talking to her about both our expectations is the right thing to do. I will think further about talking to her about us TTC.

OP posts:

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