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Dh meeting ex girlfriend behind my back - and what on earth do I do?

136 replies

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 18/01/2015 11:59

I know that dh is occasionally still in contact with the woman he dated (for ten years) before me. They split about two years before we met and he had a few casual relationships in between. Apparently they split because she wanted to get married and he didn't. She is now married to someone else and has two young children. By contact I mean that I knew that occasionally she emailed him to say happy birthday or vice versa, fine they were together a long time and I think split reasonably amicably.

Anyway I don't know why really, since I had no suspicions or anything particularly, but I was looking through dh's old phone (which he uses as an ipod as no longer has a sim in it) yesterday. I'm not really sure why I looked to be honest but there are texts going back to last July talking about arranging dates to meet. Then they have obviously met at least three times over the course of about six weeks. Then dh got his new phone so the texts end on the old phone and presumably start on the new one. There are also gaps in making the arrangements - e.g. What day's best for you? But then no reply and then a text just saying 'lovely to see you, my round next time looking forward to it' so they've obviously been in contact outside of texts too.

What has really pissed me off is in July I was having my second round of ivf and dh did not attend one single appointment with me because he was 'too busy' at work. However in this time and seemingly during work hours he has met her at least three times. It was dh who wanted me to have the second round of ivf too, he pressured me rather than the other way around.

What on earth can I do? What should I do? If the situation was reversed dh would go mad. Absolutely up the wall. But I'd never do it anyway.
I could do with getting hold of dh's new phone and seeing if there's anything more recent on there but who knows what he deletes anyway?

OP posts:
Whowillsaveyoursoul · 20/01/2015 16:31

Sorry I'm about - been at work.
I don't really know what to do still. I have taken photos of the 'evidence' in case I ever need it.
I'm still a bit stunned.

OP posts:
TheyLearnedFromBrian · 20/01/2015 17:01

OP. Glad you are 'back' - or at least reading all this - here it is, this is what other people think. No matter what you think of it, it has value, as when you're the person in a situation, firstly you don't have this perspective, and secondly you tend to want to wish it away, minimise it. So - I'm sure this is all painful to hear but I really hope you're listening to it anyway.

One of the main reasons I think you've had such an outpouring of indignation and strength of feeling on here - it isn't just that he's clearly a dodgy fucker - it's that the stakes are so high for you. You don't say how old you are. But it's one thing to be with a dodgy fucker, and quite another to give up your chance of having children, a family, to be with said fucker.

The bottom line is, this is not a faithful or honest man. This is a man who puts himself first, who is prepared to lie and deceive.

There are many people who would, for a million reasons, be prepared to stay in a 'bad' relationship, because of the other stuff they get out of it. Security, family, whatever. And it's hard to judge what's the best option unless you're in it.

But I don't think you'll find a single person who would say that, if you are a person who wants children, wants a family, that a dodgy, faithless liar is worth giving up your chance of that. There truly is nothing in this for you - just him, and the him he's shown himself to be isn't worth having. And you now know that should he ever get a better offer, he'll be out the door (or simply shagging behind your back) without a second thought. How would you feel if you 'worked it out' this time, stayed, ended up childless, and he left you high and dry at 50 for a twentysomething work colleague?

The bald truth is that because the infertility is his problem, the sacrifice you're already making is HUGE. He's so clearly not worth that, that a hundred odd women on here, many of whom know the incredibly huge part of life you would be missing out on to stay with a shit, are queuing up to howl at you to get out.

It's fine to be stunned, anyone would be. Take your time. You don't even have to do anything re the texts - you know what you need to. But please please read these posts and really think hard about walking away when you have the strength to do so, and don't waste any more time.

DaffyDuck88 · 20/01/2015 17:35

Wow TheyLearnedFromBrian, where were you through any of my past heartbreaks?? Strong sound advice. Do, do read the posts OP and put your hopes for your own future first.

ShizeItsWeegie · 20/01/2015 17:45

TheylearnedFromBrian in a nutshell. You will never be 100% sure this bloke is being faithful to you OP and it will eat you alive. Leave him. find someone with your own values that will treat you well.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2015 17:56

Well said, TheyLearned!

notnaice · 20/01/2015 19:55

Very good post. If the dodgy fucker bit isn't enough, surely losing the opportunity to have children because of the said dodgy fucker, is enough to swing the pendulum to - no choice but to leave.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 21/01/2015 08:05

How old are you OP? I agree with everyone else that staying with him and making it work would be all well and good, except you may be losing your own fertility while you wonder about him. And at the end of the day he could end up walking into a readymade family with this ex, leaving you high and dry. Obviously i would hope he wouldn't, but the stakes are high, so you need to act now to find out what is going on.

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 21/01/2015 16:29

I'm 31. He's older than me - 41.

OP posts:
notnaice · 21/01/2015 16:32

Did theylearneds post make you think op?

Your age makes this a very possible outcome - also the post about him walking into a ready made family leaving you too old to have any yourself.

I feel for you but you need to look at this realistically.

Froggio · 21/01/2015 16:57

You're putting yourself through all this to make a family that includes a father that you cannot trust. You deserve so much better and you're only 31. You need to take as much time as you need to get your own head straight but as others have said you need to put yourself first. Unfortunately it sounds as though he never will. I'm so sorry for you. Some niggle was telling you to check his phone. It's good that you listened to this inner voice, it's usually right.

magoria · 21/01/2015 17:08

Please stop TTC. In fact get yourself on contraception if you are still having sex asap. Sorry that probably isn't what you want to hear Sad

This man is only invested in this child/relationship as long as he doesn't have to put himself out right now.

He is lying to you and meeting another woman when you are undergoing a vulnerable procedure.

It doesn't bode well long term.

Don't throw a child into the mix.

Find yourself a better person and have a child without all this deception and lack of giving a shit.

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