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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh meeting ex girlfriend behind my back - and what on earth do I do?

136 replies

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 18/01/2015 11:59

I know that dh is occasionally still in contact with the woman he dated (for ten years) before me. They split about two years before we met and he had a few casual relationships in between. Apparently they split because she wanted to get married and he didn't. She is now married to someone else and has two young children. By contact I mean that I knew that occasionally she emailed him to say happy birthday or vice versa, fine they were together a long time and I think split reasonably amicably.

Anyway I don't know why really, since I had no suspicions or anything particularly, but I was looking through dh's old phone (which he uses as an ipod as no longer has a sim in it) yesterday. I'm not really sure why I looked to be honest but there are texts going back to last July talking about arranging dates to meet. Then they have obviously met at least three times over the course of about six weeks. Then dh got his new phone so the texts end on the old phone and presumably start on the new one. There are also gaps in making the arrangements - e.g. What day's best for you? But then no reply and then a text just saying 'lovely to see you, my round next time looking forward to it' so they've obviously been in contact outside of texts too.

What has really pissed me off is in July I was having my second round of ivf and dh did not attend one single appointment with me because he was 'too busy' at work. However in this time and seemingly during work hours he has met her at least three times. It was dh who wanted me to have the second round of ivf too, he pressured me rather than the other way around.

What on earth can I do? What should I do? If the situation was reversed dh would go mad. Absolutely up the wall. But I'd never do it anyway.
I could do with getting hold of dh's new phone and seeing if there's anything more recent on there but who knows what he deletes anyway?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 15:27

Dear god. Bin him.

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 18/01/2015 15:28

Oh I agree, he'll absolutely minimise his behaviour and somehow blame you.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 15:34

OP, have you actually asked him if he has seen her recently? It could be done as a perfectly innocent question. I would be forthright with him rather than trying to take a look at his phone.

A simple "Have you seen or heard from XYZ lately?" would do the trick. If he replies 'no' then there is obviously something going on that he is trying to hide. You can then respond "well that'd odd because I'm sure you met up with her on (whatever day)" and give him the dates.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 15:34

Yes, he'll say, "You don't know what it's like to be infertile", but then you can retort, "No, but I know what it's like to be in pain while I'm being inseminated by a liar's sperm, completely unaware he's chatting up his ex girlfriend!"

Deedeecupcake · 18/01/2015 15:44

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you.
I agree with everything chipping has said! He has lied to you, and as much as you want more recent evidence, isn't the evidence you have now enough?

changeychangechangeychange · 18/01/2015 15:55

Ok. Name change as you see. I have an ex- a significant ex- the most significant one. We keep in touch- erratically . He lives in the city that I work in. I see him occasionally (he has MH issues which go back 30 years).

I have met one of his children- he has met both mine. I knew his now ex partner years ago and we have emailed chatty news within past 5 years- he met my oh many years ago when we were together.

I meet him from time to time for coffee. I don't tell my DH- but I don't tell him who I meet for coffee generally and he doesn't tell me. We both meet friends weekly if not daily. I didn't mention when my children met him- I didnt tell them not to mention it (if they had told my DH it wouldn't have been an issue)- it was a non event really.

There is nothing sexual. he is a friend who I care for . I once took 4 work colleagues to the hospital he was in (we were staying overnight in the city). I do tend to talk to him about things that I dont talk to anyone else about - but we have been friends for 27 years.

I dont hide it (sounds like your DH?). I just don't mention it a lot. But I dont recount every time that I meet a friend every day to my DH.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 18/01/2015 16:01

And changey, do you think that if your DH was undergoing intensive treatment which you'd partially badgered him into having, after which you turned round and said actually, I'm too busy with work to come and support you through the quite traumatic event of finding out if the treatment had worked, do you think you'd then take time out to meet this friend for coffee?

Secondly, you say that if your DC had told your DH who you'd met, that would have been fine - that's good, and I assume that if it were the other way around and your DH habitually met up with his significant ex, that would be fine too, with you? Because OP says that her 'D'H would hit the roof if she lied by omission about meeting an ex.

There's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with exes. There's a lot wrong with lying, deceit and OP's H's hideous behaviour around the IVF.

He loves himself, and himself only.

I am really sad at the thought of OP giving up her chance of a family for a vile man like this.

phoenixrose314 · 18/01/2015 16:04

Just talk to him, in a calm and rational way (when you get your head together). Ask him why he found the time to meet with his ex but not to come to your IVF appointment. Then ask him why he never mentioned meeting her several times in the space of a few weeks. Then ask him if he is still meeting with her.

If it were me, I'd say he has five minutes to give a decent explanation or he's sleeping somewhere else tonight... but that's me, I like to make my point.

Flowers Hoping for the best for you, OP xx

changeychangechangeychange · 18/01/2015 16:11

Secondly, you say that if your DC had told your DH who you'd met, that would have been fine - that's good, and I assume that if it were the other way around and your DH habitually met up with his significant ex, that would be fine too, with you? Because OP says that her 'D'H would hit the roof if she lied by omission about meeting an ex.

My Oh has a fair few exes. he does meet them both personally and professionally ( very specialised field)

The point that I was trying to make is that not all couples share very aspect of their lives I don't tell my OH when I have coffee with our next door neighbour or my friend from school or my ex work colleague etc etc. depends on what you share- so the Ops husband may be the same

I dont lie. I dont mind a jot that he knows that I meet my ex (very occasionally). I just dont share- as I dont about others I meet. I think that all relationships need an element of privacy- we need our own lives.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 16:18

changey. That's all completely missing the point.

FelicityGubbins · 18/01/2015 16:22

Taking a shit with the bathroom door locked is privacy, meeting up with an ex after leaving your spouse to attend a medical procedure alone is disgraceful.

SmellyFartado · 18/01/2015 16:34

It's an emotional affair and whether they've kissed or gone further is irrelevant, the fundamental red flags for me are that he's pushed you into round 2 of IVF and is then too fucking busy messaging acting like a single man and seeing an ex to support you.

I'd rip his bloody head off. Up to you then if he's apologetic and remorseful or is unrepentant in which case, pack his bags and let her have him.

At the moment, it's probably lots of fun for them in a little dream world reminiscing about what could've been without asking themselves why their relationship failed and without considering those they would be hurting if they indulged this fantasy.

Front him up and ask what the fuck he's playing at

SaucyJack · 18/01/2015 16:43

Interesting choice of words changey

I don't personally need privacy from my DP when I meet up with my ex to hand the older DDs over or when I ring him to discuss DD1's karate exams or whatever.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 16:44

Apologetic & remorseful doesn't make one bit of difference. He's shown you who he is when the chips are down. Not someone you can trust or rely on to be there for you, but to be off getting comfort elsewhere.

SmellyFartado · 18/01/2015 16:49

I know Chipping. For me the trust would be gone but other people are nicer than me in giving second chances. I'm more ruthless

Kab13 · 18/01/2015 16:51

I don't think it matters about recent texts unless you feel it would help you trust him? But those initial texts would ruin the trust for me. Unfortunately I think if there are recent texts, which I suspect there are they will do anything to reassure you OP.

ahbollocks · 18/01/2015 16:51

Agree with Chipping- what happens if you get pregnant? Would he be with you when you're sleep deprived and an emotional mess with a new born, or with her sipping lattes?

This happened to me- my ex started an emotional affair/shoulder to lean on thing while I was in hospital after a really nasty miscarriage, poor love needed someone to talk to, and subsequently someone to stick his dick in.
Trust me op there are wonderful men who will be there for you and make you feel like the only woman on the planet. You dont have to put up with this.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 17:27

smelly. I don't think 'nicer' is the right word. It's just soul destroying staying in a relationship where someone has let you down so badly and so heartlessly :(

fuzzpig · 18/01/2015 17:31

Wow what a bastard :(

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 19:06

op ?

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 19:07

I'm so sorry OP. You need to check his phone for your sake but as someone said up thread- how can you come back from this? He lied to you, cancelled on coming to IVF with you despite the reasoning's behind it. Whether or not it's gone further I suspect rests with this woman- if she's wanted it to go further it will have if she's said no he's holding out hope for all he can. He's already emotionally out of the relationship.

Royalsighness · 18/01/2015 19:11

If DH was meeting any woman behind my back I would probably be kicking him out, it's all well and good being mates with an ex, but you involve your new partner in that friendship or else it isn't reall platonic is it?

As for meeting her in secret, they both need to get a fucking life and move on, if it was me id be sharing the information with her husband as I can't stand watching people get taken the piss out of.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 19:12

Yes but changey in a serious relationship, I would expect my dh to be honest if he is meeting one of exes as a mate. I would expect him not to be meeting her, when he is supposed to be at a ivf proceedure that he wanted me to go through with. The fact that he has been dishonest is the crux of it really.

ShizeItsWeegie · 18/01/2015 19:17

If my DH did this, he would come home to find me gone and screen shots of all the stuff nailed to all his special little gadgets! Nails are dirt cheap at B and Q or Screwfix. Don't hit your fingers when you whack em! This would be an utter 'dealbreaker' for me. Sorry you are going through this. Confronted he will minimise the hell out of this an make you out to be unreasonable but you really would not be OP.

notapizzaeater · 18/01/2015 19:21

It would be the secrecy that did it for me, hope you are ok.

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