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Original poster

Dh meeting ex girlfriend behind my back - and what on earth do I do?

136 replies

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 18/01/2015 11:59

I know that dh is occasionally still in contact with the woman he dated (for ten years) before me. They split about two years before we met and he had a few casual relationships in between. Apparently they split because she wanted to get married and he didn't. She is now married to someone else and has two young children. By contact I mean that I knew that occasionally she emailed him to say happy birthday or vice versa, fine they were together a long time and I think split reasonably amicably.

Anyway I don't know why really, since I had no suspicions or anything particularly, but I was looking through dh's old phone (which he uses as an ipod as no longer has a sim in it) yesterday. I'm not really sure why I looked to be honest but there are texts going back to last July talking about arranging dates to meet. Then they have obviously met at least three times over the course of about six weeks. Then dh got his new phone so the texts end on the old phone and presumably start on the new one. There are also gaps in making the arrangements - e.g. What day's best for you? But then no reply and then a text just saying 'lovely to see you, my round next time looking forward to it' so they've obviously been in contact outside of texts too.

What has really pissed me off is in July I was having my second round of ivf and dh did not attend one single appointment with me because he was 'too busy' at work. However in this time and seemingly during work hours he has met her at least three times. It was dh who wanted me to have the second round of ivf too, he pressured me rather than the other way around.

What on earth can I do? What should I do? If the situation was reversed dh would go mad. Absolutely up the wall. But I'd never do it anyway.
I could do with getting hold of dh's new phone and seeing if there's anything more recent on there but who knows what he deletes anyway?

OP posts:
OVienna · 18/01/2015 13:36

Shouldn't be doing that- I agree totally.

Original poster
Whowillsaveyoursoul · 18/01/2015 13:39

I'm ok. I'm livid but I'm ok.
It is male factor infertility which is our problem. I can understand he's found it hard but I can't excuse his actions. I know that the night before she got married (about 8 years ago) she rang him and said she'd call if all off if he'd have her back. He told me this at the time. And now he's meeting her behind my back. He works away a lot - always has done - so I have no real way of knowing where he is a lot of the time. Her youngest child is only 1 I think.

I need to try and get hold of his new phone. But I also need to check emails and watsapp I think.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/01/2015 13:40

Even if that's true Vienna, all it proves is when the shit hits the fan, his ex is the one he wants to when he needs comfort. Not his mum or his best friend or even (God forbid) his wife. Who wants that for their marriage?

You can cheat on someone in the emotional sense without ever having physical contact. Particularly easy when it's someone you're used to being intimate with.

Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 13:42

Yes, check everything.

You know, it is ok to ask him not to have any further contact with her. It's not unreasonable under these circumstances. If his friendship with her is affecting your relationship with him, he should put a stop to it anyway.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 13:44

YOU will 'save your soul'.

This, for me, would be the end of our relationship. There, for me, isn't a single explanation that could make this 'ok'. Even without the IVF but a hundred times more with it.

I'm really sorry it's happened to you. :(. Really sorry. But honestly, he has crossed a line and I don't see how you could ever get over that. He told you he was too busy to come to IVF appointments with you, he was far less supportive of you going through this than he could have been and blamed work, when all the time he was making time to see her.

For me, I wouldn't care if it was her or his best mate. Clearly it stings more that it's her, but even if it was his mate, this would be the end of the relationship for me.

Maybe it's because I've tried to fix a relationship after I was badly hurt and I know how utter souk destroying it is. It's honestly just not worth it.

He's let you down, very very badly. He's made you go through something that hurt you and upset you because he wanted it then while you were doing that, told you he was too busy to be there with you, but was actually off having a nice time with someone else?!

Do your self esteem a favour and kick him to the far side of fuck and re plan your life. Now, I'm under NO illusion of just how hard that it, but the alternative is just so much worse.

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 18/01/2015 13:45

This is terrible. He was too busy to some to a scan appointment because he was meeting her! This is not the relationship you thought it was, if it was me, I think I would break it off. I would want him to explain seeing her instead of attending the scan - he won't be able to, because he can't say 'I just preferred to spend that time with her', but there really isn't any reasonable excuse for it. I wouldn't waste too much more time on him, as soon as he comes in, ask him for his phone, see if there's anything else on it to satisfy your curiosity, then ask him about it. Then tell him fuck off to the far side of fuck.

QuintlessShadows · 18/01/2015 13:49

In your shoes, I would divorce him and find a man that can both be trustworthy, faithful, and father a child.

QuintlessShadows · 18/01/2015 13:50

Actually. She wanted marriage and children. She got that, by leaving him. Yet, she kept him, too. Seems to me that he has gotten her all she wants, and you dont even have crumbs while she has it all.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 13:53

Sweetheart. Just stop for a minute.

Why do you need more recent stuff? It really makes no difference does it?

Are you willing to just forgive him for what he's done to you if he's not fucked her or if they've stopped meeting up?

You've put yourself through two courses of infertility treatment, due to male infertility issues, because you wanted to together the first time, then he convinced you the second time, and he's treat you like this???

Personally I find that totally unforgivable.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/01/2015 13:55

Actually, Quint, no. I see it that nobody got what they wanted and everyone except him got hurt, because he was too immature to make a commitment to her originally.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 13:56

So you had IVF because of his infertility, but he wouldn't come to the sessions with you because he was secretly meeting his ex girlfriend?

This is a no-brainer. He has to go.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 14:06

Wow what a wanker stringing you on. I definitely would 'discuss' it with him. Sorry he wants his cake and eat it! If he were half decent he would be honest with you about contact with her. What's all this too busy at work to go to important hospital appointments with you that he wanted, yet has time to meet his floozie on a regular basis. Tge telling thing is, also before her wedding she said she would call it off, to be back with him. He's physically with you, emotionally and mabey sexually with her! Those matey texts çoukd be a disguise, in case you see the texts. You have all the evidence you need!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 14:08

I totally agree Chipping, his behaviour is a big dealbreaker!

Eminado · 18/01/2015 14:16

I am so sorry OP.

For me there is no come back at all from this.

NeedABumChange · 18/01/2015 14:22

Did she have ivf too? Could he just be chatting to her as a friend?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 18/01/2015 14:24

He sounds like a big headed entitled male.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 14:35

It wouldn't excuse the fact that he was visiting his ex girlfriend when his wife was going through IVF due to his infertility, NeedABumChange!

WoTmania · 18/01/2015 14:41

YANBU I would be very upset and hurt in your situation. It's not the meeting; it's the secrecy. I have plenty of male friends, including exes, DH is fine with this but I'm completely open about this would never meet them without him knowing about it and he's friends with many of them anyway.
Not coming to the scan, lying about why and meeting her that day is simply not on. Get hold of his new phone, check e-mails and any other messaging services so you know and if there is anything untoward going on he can't wriggle out of it and delete any evidence.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 14:42

IB and chipping have it

OP, this isn't "innocent" friendship at all. Whether or not he's slept with her is immaterial. He has lied to you in order to meet her secretly when you were at your most vulnerable

And this may not be at all PC but the problems are down to him and he treats you like this ?

I'd bin him

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 14:43

OP doesn't need "recent" evidence, what she already has is more than a dealbreaker

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 18/01/2015 14:48

Second AF, Chipping and others -

I would not care one bit whether he met her to chat in a pub or to have rampant sex in a hotel.

The problem is that this is a man who lies to you, pressurises you to go through with immensely difficult stuff for HIS sake, then isn't there to support you with it, who takes and takes but won't give, and who - I repeat - thinks it's ok to lie to you.

You have the information you need about what's important. Not, actually, whether he's been playing away. But whether he is loyal, trustworthy, supportive and true. He is NONE of those things.

Don't stay with this shit and give up your chance of having a child - there's every chance a man like this will turn round in 5 years, admit an affair and be off. Because he's a deceitful liar.

See the light and get rid of this one, he is NO GOOD.

Stripyhoglets · 18/01/2015 15:05

Not attending scans with you but having time to meet her, would be enough for me to leave I think. How disrespectful, and they are meeting regularly. I would just just say that anyone who put an ex over going to scans with me, didn't deserve me and could leave. So sorry.

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 18/01/2015 15:06

So you had IVF because of his infertility, but he wouldn't come to the sessions with you because he was secretly meeting his ex girlfriend

This. Plus the secrets and lies. You don't need recent evidence, it won't change what he's already done. You just need to confront him with it.

BolshierAyraStark · 18/01/2015 15:14

Wow, just wow. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable & I would be showing him the door, the infertility is on his side & the ivf was pressured by him yet he would rather stroke his pathetic ego than support you through it-what an absolute wanker.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 18/01/2015 15:23

Be ready for him to cry, and blame the infertility stress, and that making him feel less of a man, and him turning to his ex just to cry on her shoulder and yadda yadda ad nauseum.

What a dreadful despicable pathetic man he is.

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