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Original poster

Dh meeting ex girlfriend behind my back - and what on earth do I do?

136 replies

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 18/01/2015 11:59

I know that dh is occasionally still in contact with the woman he dated (for ten years) before me. They split about two years before we met and he had a few casual relationships in between. Apparently they split because she wanted to get married and he didn't. She is now married to someone else and has two young children. By contact I mean that I knew that occasionally she emailed him to say happy birthday or vice versa, fine they were together a long time and I think split reasonably amicably.

Anyway I don't know why really, since I had no suspicions or anything particularly, but I was looking through dh's old phone (which he uses as an ipod as no longer has a sim in it) yesterday. I'm not really sure why I looked to be honest but there are texts going back to last July talking about arranging dates to meet. Then they have obviously met at least three times over the course of about six weeks. Then dh got his new phone so the texts end on the old phone and presumably start on the new one. There are also gaps in making the arrangements - e.g. What day's best for you? But then no reply and then a text just saying 'lovely to see you, my round next time looking forward to it' so they've obviously been in contact outside of texts too.

What has really pissed me off is in July I was having my second round of ivf and dh did not attend one single appointment with me because he was 'too busy' at work. However in this time and seemingly during work hours he has met her at least three times. It was dh who wanted me to have the second round of ivf too, he pressured me rather than the other way around.

What on earth can I do? What should I do? If the situation was reversed dh would go mad. Absolutely up the wall. But I'd never do it anyway.
I could do with getting hold of dh's new phone and seeing if there's anything more recent on there but who knows what he deletes anyway?

OP posts:
Allingoodfaith · 18/01/2015 19:22

What a knob.

Hope your ok op

TendonQueen · 18/01/2015 19:26

You don't need more evidence. I would use the line FightorFlight suggested and ask 'Have you seen X lately?' and see what he says. But I would then tell him what you know. You'd be in the right if this made you want to end it with him. Meeting his ex instead of coming to the IVF appt is a dealbreaker. But if you are uncertain, in my view he would have to agree never to see her again and know that if he did, he'd be out the door.

helenthemadex · 18/01/2015 19:31

the way he is behaving is appalling, I have no idea what I would do in your position, to me honesty and trust are essential in a relationship, once they are broken Im not sure it is possible to get them back.

I do wonder if maybe seeing the ex without you knowing made him feel more manly and in control when IVF was making him feel the opposite, whatever the reasons there is no excuse or justification

wishing you luck op

DoJo · 18/01/2015 21:04

OP - I just wanted to add my voice to those saying that there would have to be a fucking astonishing explanation for all this that wouldn't make it a dealbreaker for me. I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel in your shoes, and I don't think there is any one right way to handle it. You know him best - I would imagine that just asking him how he could have made time for someone else and not for you. I think that is the most hurtful thing about this situation, and if he tries to make out that it is a jealousy issue because she's an ex, then it means he truly doesn't realise how appalling it is to do that to someone and you will probably never make him understand. Strangers on the internet wouldn't do that to you, so your husband treating you this way when he should love you more than anyone else in the world is seriously shocking.

Balaboosta · 19/01/2015 07:38

Can't brlieve how many people telling you to read his phone. Never do this! You completely lose the moral high ground if you do. You have evidence of something going on behind your back. Your choice is either to allow DP the space to have his friendship or confront him.

HellKitty · 19/01/2015 07:53

You had no problem with him keeping in occasional contact with her but he's go mad if you did the same? Guilty conscience?

Royalsighness · 19/01/2015 08:10

Bala I think considering what's happened battles for the moral high ground are a bit irrelevant and if the "friendship" has been hidden so much then it clearly isn't a friendship is it?

Royalsighness · 19/01/2015 08:12

I'm amazed at how many people think it's ok to maintain a relationship with the ex without involving your new partner? I don't think I've ever met a woman or man who would be ok with this? I would never go for coffee with an ex! I've bumped into exes and introduced them to my husband an he has done the same.

People are usually in your past for a reason, you say hello in the street or sent a civil email but going for coffee? Why would anyone do this?

Whatthegeoff · 19/01/2015 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jengnr · 19/01/2015 08:45

The problem for me isn't the meeting her it's the circumstances in which he's doing it.

You fucking needed him and his support and he not only didn't give it but lied about why. That's the betrayal.

If he'd been meeting his ex platonically in his dinner break from work every now and again I wouldn't be arsed. This is unforgivable imo.

Notnaice · 19/01/2015 08:57

Oh dear, I think you have a rocky road ahead of you.
Please respect yourself enough to do the right thing if it comes to it.

flipchart · 19/01/2015 09:10

Royalhigh. People are usually in your past for a reason, you say hello in the street or sent a civil email but going for coffee? Why would anyone do this?

It's a bit off topic but not all exes are bad, not all break ups are bad. The boyfriends I have had in the past were nice blokes when I met then and are still nice blokes.the only thing that changed was circumstances and different plans.
No reason not to be friends, enjoy their company now and again and see how life is treating them. This, of course is totally different from the OP but I am answering y our question.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/01/2015 11:15

I think it would be the lying about attending the IVF appointments that would be the deal breaker for me.

I'd expect DH to tell me if he was meeting an ex for coffee/lunch etc, just because it's an ex and therefore there's a bit more history there and it's likely to cause upset if I found out about it. I wouldn't expect him to stand me up in order to meet an ex (or indeed a friend) unless we'd discussed it first and decided together I would be attending alone and why.

Also, it's not what's happening that would be the problem for me. They could simply be chatting over lunch, but it's why he's there and not with you. It's putting meeting her over meeting you; that's where his heart is. It's not about a physical thing, it's about an emotional thing.

OVienna · 19/01/2015 15:02

OP
I posted earlier on this thread. Did I understand your update correctly that this is an ex who, when you were already with your DH, phoned him and said that all he had to do was say the word and she'd call her wedding off?!

You said in your OP:"... fine they were together a long time and I think split reasonably amicably...." Offering to call off her wedding is not a neutral ex-relationship and someone who would easily slip into a now 'just a friend' role. She's not a friend of YOUR marriage.

Why has he kept in any sort of contact with her after that?

Apologies if I've misread what you said and you weren't together when this happened but I still think it's...unusual behaviour and I would be very wary of her.

This does alter my initial view; there is no good explanation for meetings with her you don't know about.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/01/2015 17:12

op really hope you are OK.

In your shoes I'd want to know if the affair is emotional or sexual, even if I knew the trust was gone, it is heart breaking what he has chosen to do.

HellKitty · 20/01/2015 04:31

Good point OVienna. This ex has only one thing in mind.

notnaice · 20/01/2015 08:49

Op?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 09:53

exactly Oviennna, and that is what I pointed out earlier. He might see her as a friend, but she most certainly does not, and it says something, when she can call the wedding off easily to get back with op dp. That is very concerning, the underhandedness of it all by op dp. I think he is phyiscally with op, emotionally and maby sexually, he is with this other woman.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 20/01/2015 10:43

I just think meeting up with exes is odd. Unless you have children in which case you kind of have too. I appreciate I might be the only one thinking this and I know it's off topic but it just seems odd to me.

And to meet up with an ex without your partners knowledge is not on. If there's nothing to hide why not tell them about it.

You have to talk to him about it, op. Xx

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 10:45

Op was having an invasive and uncomfortable proceedure for him, and where was he, not by op side, but with this other woman, making excuses why he can't be with her. Not on, and a dump worthy offence.

Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 10:53

Oh dear op big hugs and Flowers for you. How truly upsetting.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 20/01/2015 10:56

Yes, that is definitely wrong. He should've been with her and not the ex.

Miggsie · 20/01/2015 11:01

I suspect he is feeling "less than a man" due to infertility so is pressuring wife to have IVF while he meets the ex to show he is really virile as he has two women doing his bidding.
This makes me think he will be a totally selfish and unsupportive father.

I'd ditch him, sorry OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 11:47

I totally agree miggsie, I would not have kids with this man. He has behaved underhandedly, dishonestly and sneakieness.

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 20/01/2015 13:44

Is this one of these threads where the OP never comes back?