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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

spending time together

42 replies

ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 18:29

wibu to tell my 4 kids that once a week for an hour. we are all going to spend time together... and do something as a family.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/01/2015 18:45

Once a week for an hour?
Is that all?

How old are the children?

mamapain · 15/01/2015 18:57

No, but generally a better time is had by all if the people actually want to be there and aren't forced, so I don't know how successful it will be?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/01/2015 19:02

Why would you have to enforce this, surely you naturally spend more than an hour together a week. If you don't, then don't force it but deal with the issues as to why it doesn't happen.

RaisingMen · 15/01/2015 19:03

An hour a week? Is that all? An hour a day would be better

ilovesooty · 15/01/2015 19:05

Sounds like it's being delivered as a punishment Grin but I'm sure it isn't.

Did you get to the bottom of the sofa issue?

SurlyCue · 15/01/2015 19:15

Grin this sounds like the time my mum announced we were all going to take family walks together. Except the first time she tried my dad was working so we set off just the 3 of us. 10 minutes in we were whinging about our feet and legs being sore, she was growling at us through gritted teeth to just be quiet and enjoy the fresh air. We walked and walked til she realised we had walked so far we would never get back home again in one piece so she had to ring my dad to come out of work to get us. And that was the end of that Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 15/01/2015 19:25

Grin Grin

DandyHighwayman · 15/01/2015 19:25

How old are the children? No point us saying Nomination Whist is a marvellously old fashioned card game if they're too wee to grasp rules.

MaidOfStars · 15/01/2015 19:35

I think you need to trick them into it.

Do you eat together? If not, there's your start. If so, draw it out into a cards/game afterwards.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 20:15

haha sooty its not as a punishment. but i did type whilst in anger... im trying to do the right thing Confused

the kids are 17/12/7/4

the younger 3 do sort of play together/agu typical sibling stuff i guess....

i guess the 17 does not want to because of her age... but it is more aimed at her....because of the way she is towards the younger ones she reasonable with the 12 year old but shes quite horrible to the 4/7 year old. she spends alot of time in her room if one of the younger ones knocks on her door she bellows at them before even knowing what they want. if the 4 year old wants to show her something her reply is yeah what ever now go away... its all the time cant remember the last time she spoke to them in a nice/reasonable way...

so i thought if i said we would spend an hour a week together doing something so that they bond in a better way. i feel like they dont know each other. the reason only an hour is im thinking one step at a time. they cant say boo without arguing.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 15/01/2015 20:31

When i want my two to put down the games controller and interact with me i try an make it a 'winning' option for them. (Also helps to make them a team of two against me as they love getting one over on me Grin) so i'd say something really casually like "who do you think is the best at collecting conkers?" And they'd be sure it was them, i'd argue, say it was definitely me then they'd suggest we go and find out, i'd moan about being tired/busy. They'll plead with me. I'll "give in" and before you know it we've spent half the day outside together having a laugh. I might have let them win too. Maybe. Grin dcs are 9 and 5 so gullible younger than yours but maybe you could work it to suit your age group.

BananaLeaf · 15/01/2015 20:46

Wow I'm a bit shocked at how the 17 year old is towards the younger ones. You'd think that'd be old enough to show a bit of patience and compassion, even if they can be a nuisance. Is there any background to that? Does she ever baby sit?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/01/2015 20:54

I think the age gap is to huge to expect them to be close. Another year and she will be an adult.

Does she have to look after her younger siblings? If so, this may be a cause of the behaviour if she feels put upon.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:10

banana she is rather a young 17. she can actually have a slagging match with the 4 year old :/ i dont know why she is like it :(. im just trying to think what i could do to bring them a bit closer. like snowwhite says the age gap is big. but i cant see why she cant at least speak to them in a kinder way...

she baby sits a bit not much. and not altogether. she picks the 2 younger ones up from school 3 days a week. its a 20 min walk. im home either the same time or within 10 mins.

if i go food shopping she baby sits normally for the 4 year old. the 12 year old often stays home as well but he does not need looking after as such. thats probably about once a month...

she did do it a bit extra near xmas because i had to get the xmas shopping done...

i dont know why i have gone into the baby sitting thing :/ weather she looks after them or not should not hurt her to be nice... its very small thing as well. if a 4 year old wants to give her a hug or show her a picture is not much to say wow thats nice did you do it at school.

OP posts:
HotChocWithMarshmallows · 15/01/2015 22:17

im just trying to think what i could do to bring them a bit closer. like snowwhite says the age gap is big. but i cant see why she cant at least speak to them in a kinder way...

So how do you punish her when she is horrible to a 4 year old?

There are consequences for her aren't there?

You can't make your children be close to each other. You can make them be civil to each other. Or at least make the consequences of being horrible worse than the annoyance of being polite when you don't feel like it.

Sod bringing them a bit closer. Crack down on the abuse woman!

BIWI · 15/01/2015 22:23

I really sympathise with you. I don't have four children, but I have two, and they've never really got on since they were early teens. They don't fight with each other, but they are just so different, that they aren't interested in being with each other.

It's really hard as a parent. Because no matter what I want, you can't make DC get on with each other.

And - as I have discovered - you can't engineer situations that will suddenly mean that they enjoy each other's company.

Mine will come out together with me and DH, and they are totally civil to each other, but it's painfully apparent that they are very different people and have very little to say to each other.

I can only hope that as they get older, family ties will become more important to them.

But it's really sad, and I hate it Sad

Tryharder · 15/01/2015 22:34

Reading with interest.

I make my children go on long family walks which generates a lot of moaning as they'd rather be on the xbox but I offer a carrot on a stick by means of a McDonald's at the end.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:35

hotchoc im sort to of finding it difficult to manage in the right way. i feel if i punish the 17 year old. she will resent the younger ones even more.

what i have done is say to her that from now on if she wants her boyfriend to stay she has to ask permission and he will only be allowed if she has been nice to people in the house. that includes me and her siblings. but i dont even know if that makes sense really... im just trying to find ways that she might talk to them in a nice way. im not asking for big cart wheels or over the top stuff. just use a nicer tone when she speaks to them

OP posts:
Violettatrump · 15/01/2015 22:38

I think you need to spend one to one time with your 17 year old making her feel treasured

Violettatrump · 15/01/2015 22:41

Make her feel very special and ensure she is only doing childcare when willing. If you are picking at her all the time, she will pick at your DD

Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:43

violet yes of course that as well. i do that abut probably not enough. she spends alot of time in her room i go in there sometimes and we have chats. alot of time she has he nose or ear glued to her phone. i will be on maternity leave from easter. as i said shes only at college 2 times a week im going to make sure we get out together and do some stuff go out for lunch and a few treats... baby will be here but when they are tiny they sort of fit in. so most of my attentiion will still be on the 17 year old....

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:44

the childcare is not that much.. she gets things in return. and we are a family so sometimes she has to do stuff she may not want to 100% do

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/01/2015 22:45

My mum would do a Sunday buffet, then get a VHS and we would sit together in the living room. Watch a video and have a feast. If not a vhs it was the Nintendo playing mario.

If you are going to do it find something that you will all like.

Fabulous46 · 15/01/2015 22:46

17 year olds rarely want to spend "family time", one to one time worked for me. She's a young adult and I doubt will want to do family stuff. Mine all range from 19 upwards and they still managed to bicker when they were all here at Christmas. I think you're being unfair on her regarding the boyfriend to stay. Pick your battles is my advice. She's a young woman and not a child.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:49

piper im gonna ask my kids if they know what a VHS is haha... yeah we can find things to do. we can make cakes. teen likes that... do make overs even the boys for a laugh. me and the 17 year old could let the little ones do our make up just for fun. we can play basic things snakes and ladders stuff like that. swimming is free for children here so could go swimming with them...im sure the kids will have a few ideas as well

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