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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

spending time together

42 replies

ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 18:29

wibu to tell my 4 kids that once a week for an hour. we are all going to spend time together... and do something as a family.

OP posts:

Original poster

ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:52

fabulous im not sure on what i have said about the boyfriend either.. but also if she can have an aguement with a 4 year old and she talks to everyonne like dirt. then shes not really acting like a young woman... all i want is for her to be nice... ie speak in a reasonable tone dont rip peoples head of the moment they say your name

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PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/01/2015 22:59

I think as long as it something you all enjoy it would be a welcomed thing.

However I think at 17 with a level exams fast approaching then I would leave her out as she is about to have tons of work to do to prepare.

Original poster

ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 22:59

maybe i need to think some more... maybe if i just done one to one with me and her it might have a knock on effect and she might be nicer to the others.... worth at least thinking about

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Original poster

ghostspirit · 15/01/2015 23:00

shes not doing a levels. she does not even study at home

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Nohootingchickenssleeping · 15/01/2015 23:07

Does she ever get one-on-one time with you, at all? Just echoing what was said above, that might be the key to your problems.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/01/2015 00:22

If no a levels then what is she doing.

limegoldfinewine · 16/01/2015 00:34

Maybe she's concerned about having to pick up the slack with the 4/7 year old when the baby arrives.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/01/2015 07:18

I think that's it's Lime too. Having been the eldest expected to look after the younger ones, I hated every new addition as knew more things would be piled on me. I didn't chose to have those children but got no say in looking after them. Whilst I believe chores are part of a household, childcare isn't and is down to the adults.

I was resentful not unpleasant but it totally ruined my relationship with them.

Original poster

ghostspirit · 16/01/2015 07:53

im not going into the childcare issues again i have done that on here before. she gets paid for doing it its 20 mins aday for 3 days... its about give and take she does that she gets paid. plus her phone contract. if i say she stops baby sititing. she wont get any money or phone contract. im not paying for them and then getting nothing from her in return... this is about trying to get my kids to get on a bit better..

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Writerwannabe83 · 16/01/2015 08:56

its about give and take she does that she gets paid. plus her phone contract. if i say she stops baby sititing. she wont get any money or phone contract.

Sounds like blackmail. She shouldn't be made to do something that isn't her responsibility with the threat of losing her mobile or picket money if she doesn't.

Expectations of people in the home to do housework is 100% fine and there should be consequences if they don't as they are part of the household and they have responsibilities in that respect. But making your daughter do childcare just seems so wrong. Her siblings are not her responsibility, they are yours and she shouldn't be blackmailed into doing something that she shouldn't be expected to do anyway.

No wonder she doesn't like them. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours in trying to encourage her to like her siblings with your current set-up. She probably sees them as a burden than anything else.

Original poster

ghostspirit · 16/01/2015 08:59

doing the school run is not going to kill her and she has never moaned about it. as i said im not going into it so i wont respond to them questions anymore... been there done that not doing it again....

as i have said a couple of times now this is about her talking to people in a nicer way thats it no more no less

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Original poster

ghostspirit · 16/01/2015 09:00

oh just to add as i said shes only at college 2 times a week she does not even get her butt out of bed till mid day... if she did not do anything where she has to leave the house she would not be up till 3pm

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pilates · 16/01/2015 09:20

Sorry at 17 she should not be made to do things as a family, it sounds to me she has had enough of what she does currently for her siblings and probably thinks she will have to do more when the new one comes along. Has she got a Saturday job? Has she got many friends? Is she depressed? At her age, I spent most of my time going out with friends/boyfriend. My parents wouldn't have dreamt of making me do things with them. I wouldn't tolerate her speaking nastily to members of family though so sit her down and have a good long chat one to one and find out if anything is troubling her.

BananaLeaf · 16/01/2015 21:12

I would consider letting her off the hook re the enforced family time. The school run-baby sitting arrangement sounds reasonable to me, especially as she gets paid and uses it for her phone, but it does mean she already spends time with them.
I think spending the time with her 1-1 instead as you mentioned, try to establish if there is any underlying reason for her behavior.
Having said that though re the tone of voice, especially with the littlies, I would say she needs to grow up and see that it is not acceptable. And part of being grown up is having her boyfriend over to stay, so unless there is a marked improvement he won't be allowed to stay.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 16/01/2015 22:12

There wasn't much less of an age gap between me and my youngest sibling as there is between your eldest/4 year old. I despised being looked at as a second mother, like it was my responsibility because I happened to be near adult. At the time I couldn't imagine having my own children, young kids just irritated me with the need for constant attention. Obviously I'm older, more mature/patient now, however I do see it from your eldest point of view. It's so frustrating at that age, wanting to be a 'grown up', have independence (peace and quiet) but no means to do it.

As for family time, again I will speak from experience. Younger kids want to be around you, for older ones they don't appreciate it until they've had some significant time away from the family (see moved out/away to uni for months). Being forced to look after younger siblings or made to spend extra time with everyone when already irritated will only cause more resentment.

Spend some one on one time with your eldest. Ask her about her short term future plans, what her plans as a near adult are. Does she want to go to uni, have a certain career? What can you do to help so she doesn't feel like 'one of the children', acknowledge her as a young adult about to start her own life. They can seem annoying at this age, and easily irritated but it's a difficult transitioning period for her in life as well. Everything is easy for a 4 year old, life as an adult seems so uncertain. Hope that gives some perspective!

Original poster

ghostspirit · 17/01/2015 11:19

banana thankyou thats what i was thinking as well.... the reason i was thinking about getting her to spend time as a family ie with the younger ones was to try a different angel rather than what turns into a lecture... because when i say why cant you just say the picture is nice instead of im not interested go away. that then turns into an agument. but maybe more one 2 one with me and her will have a possitive knock on effect.

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cosmickitten · 17/01/2015 12:01

Ghost there was a large age gap in my family and I feel I can relate to your daughter. Firstly let me say I think that the way she is speaking to your younger children is totally totally unacceptable.

I did school pick ups and child care ( properly a little more than your daughter) I enjoyed it and my parents paid me. But when I wanted I Saturday job I felt couldn't have one as my mum needed me. My a level revision and social life where impacted by childcare. Now the same would be said of a part time job but I felt trapped, like I had no choice.

I also felt resentful that sometimes I was the adult in charge and other times a child. Might sound silly now but finding your adult self is tricky at that age. if your daughter is a bit immature it could be even harder for her.

I'd make sure she knows she has to earn her money but allow her the choice to change "jobs". Outline that she'd have to give you fair notice (4-6weeks maybe). She may decide she's totally happy with childcare but it gives her control.

Also it may sound strange but I'd give her private time before trying more family time. At 4 your youngest should respect close door big sister needs private time / open door come on in. In return your daughter could put a few minutes aside (maybe after meals) look at all her siblings creations.

I'd really recommend spending some one on one time with her. My mum and I had a very fractured relationship when I was teenager. She had a baby I was 12 and 14, the first time I spent time just her and me after the babies was my 21 st. I really needed my mum a bit more.

As for family time I agree it is important, instead of telling her to spend an hr every week with you. Maybe ask her if she has any ideas how you can all spend at bit more time together? Finding something a 17, 12, 7, 4 and baby like will be tricky. She might surprise with her ideas. If her suggestions aren't great for littler ones maybe alternate activities so each child chooses?

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