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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to talk about my DHs problem in the doctors

29 replies

Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 09:54

Had a gp appointment today and it got round to what contraception I was using which is none. The reason being a problem my dh is having which means that I would be extremely unlikely to get pregnant and since I was having huge problems with mirena and it seemed pointless. The doctor was really put out that I wouldn't discuss it but I feel like that is my DHs business and I don't want to talk about it when I don't see it is relevant.

The doctor was really lovely and I now I feel bad about being short with him!

Was I being unreasonable? Or is it ok to just "it's not relevant".

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/01/2015 10:34

Mmm, not sure. Were you discussing your health and it would mean that getting pregnant would not be a good thing for it?

Theboodythatrocked · 14/01/2015 10:38

No of course not.

Doctors offer advice which you can take or leave.

You arnt under any obligation to discuss anything with them you don't want to.

Do you think your dh should seek advice though?

Theboodythatrocked · 14/01/2015 10:39

Oh yes actually Sparkling good point.

Sparklingbrook · 14/01/2015 10:42

I just wondered if the GP was concerned about that boody, as if there was the teeniest chance of a pregnancy it would be dangerous.

Original poster
Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 10:45

I dont think getting pregnant would be an issue but I don't know - I was being unreasonable wasn't I!

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/01/2015 10:49

I don't know. I wonder if Contraception is on the list of things GPs have to bring up from time to time? I have been asked about it before on an unconnected trip to the GP now I think of it..

I wonder if it's on their tick sheet to ensure advice has been given or something? So you couldn't in the future say 'My GP didn't ever advise me about contraception'. Just a thought.

but you can not talk about whatever you like.

ilovesooty · 14/01/2015 10:55

I think it's on their tick list - like smoking cessation - and therefore connected to their funding.

BatteryPoweredHen · 14/01/2015 11:05

No, you are under no obligation to discuss anything with your doctor that you don't wish to, nor accept any testing/screening/examination that they suggest.

So many people (doctors included) seem to have forgotten this.

I had to point out to my GP that had they not been positively champing at the bit to sell my medical records under the care.data debacle, then I might trust them a bit more.

PacificDogwood · 14/01/2015 11:08

No, of course you don't have to tell your doctor anything you are not comfortable telling them.

Otoh, your doctor can only go by what you tell them. So depending on why this question came up, you may have 'lost' nothing by not talking about your DH's problems or you may have prevented better informed advice from your GP.

Battery, it was my impression that many GPs were horrified and quite against care.data?

sparechange · 14/01/2015 11:12

It depends what the 'problem' is.
If he is infertile and therefore a natural conception is unlikely or impossible, that's very different from him currently suffering from depression and having no sex drive.
I think the doctor was just trying to establish the facts?

2rebecca · 14/01/2015 11:16

You could just say "I'm not sexually active at the moment so not requiring contraception" and say you don't wish to discuss it if pressed. You don't have to mention the reasons. It's not an unreasonable thing for the GP to ask though.

Original poster
Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 12:12

Thanks I think I was just embarrassed so I think I should have probably mentioned .

Spare - he isn't infertile it is more like the other scenario! But I went because of being generally unwell over a few months and being dizzy so not sure if it would have helped to mention !

I have to go back next week so if they ask again I will let them know.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2015 12:17

In this context, if you are happy that you are not having contraception (or whatever you do), then you don't have to discuss it.
On the other hand, if you were to talk about contraception, this is something that does involve a partner, so it would make sense to include them in the discussion.

BoredChurch · 14/01/2015 12:24

I don't think the doctor did anything wrong and it sounds like you were a bit curt with him, that's all - I wouldn't worry about it. I bet the Dr didn't give it a moments more thought. He will be very used to people feeling tense and awkward. He will also have had plenty of experience of people who are actually rude and obnoxious. You being a tiny bit curt won't have worried him.

Are you sure the Doctor was 'really put out' with you? It's sounds odd that you say he was really lovely and really put out with you? Confused

Original poster
Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 12:41

Your probably right bored - I am probably just being wayyyyy to sensitive (slaps self)

OP posts:
Marphe · 14/01/2015 12:56

I know they have to ask, but should have thought you telling them that you don't need it should be sufficient and the matter should be dropped.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 14/01/2015 14:40

YWNBU. I had a similar thing where I had to tell the Dr I was not sexually active and she looked at me incredulously and said 'and you're ok with that are you?!!'. I was really embarrassed and politely said I didn't wish to discuss it. Frankly it was none of her business but I understand they have checklists to ask stuff like that.

BatteryPoweredHen · 14/01/2015 14:41

Pacific Yes, I thought that too, however, my GP's surgery went quite far out of their way to make it difficult to opt out. i.e. I had to physically go to the surgery, collect a special form to complete (which they refused point blank to post to me). The receptionists were almost comically unhelpful too, I had to phone several times to ascertain the 'opt out' process.

I really lost confidence in them after that. I suspect (but in fairness, have no proof) that they had some sort of 'opt in' target that they had to achieve for funding purposes.

Original poster
Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 15:20

Battery - he didn't seem that concerned about the contraception tbh more the fact I wasn't having sex. I didn't mean to imply I was unhappy with him I wasn't he was actually very helpful but I was just unsure of I had been the unreasonable one. Obviously the whole thing is a bit of a sore point!

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2015 20:54

Maybe that could have been an opportunity to discuss solutions?
Has your OH sought help?

WiIdfire · 14/01/2015 21:03

The thing is, Some people go to the GP with a superficial problem (e.g. rash) when they really want to discuss an underlying, more embarassing, worry (e.g. Impotence) but are too shy to say so straight out and just drop little comments instead. GPs are trained to try and pick up these hints and carefully give the patient the opening they need to lead onto the sensitive subject. As you can imagine, its very difficult to do, and the GP doesnt always get it right!
Sorry they upset you, they were probably just trying to find out if you wanted to talk about it.

(Although Im not a GP, Im a hospital doctor, and have seen this many times)

Original poster
Aubrianna · 14/01/2015 21:31

Lweji - no he hasn't he won't even talk to me about it let alone anyone else.

Wildfire - I see what you mean and I am really shy in real life so I see why he may have thought this. if my dh would agree I wouldn't mind talking about it but it seems like it's his business not mine!

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2015 23:03

Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to talk about it with a health professional about it. It's not a betrayal.
And then maybe you could try and discuss it with him. You don't sound happy about it. And it's not fair to you that he seems to be sticking his head in sand.

SorchaN · 15/01/2015 01:07

Isn't a (sexual) relationship generally a two-person thing? So it's not just about your husband's issues but also about yours... and if a couple's sex life is kind of no longer happening for reasons one of them doesn't want to discuss, then that's something the other person might want to talk about with someone else, like maybe a doctor...

Mumoftwinsandanother · 15/01/2015 01:08

Hi OP, my husband has azoospermia and there is no chance I could get pregnant naturally. All of our dc have been born via donor sperm. After the birth of our 3rd child, I had a very pushy midwife going on and on about what contraception I was going to be using. I don't mind/my DH doesn't mind me talking about our diagnosis but I don't like being pushed into it. She really didn't want to give up until I told her. I did tell her in the end and she said "it's still best to be careful, you'd be surprised the amount of people that have trouble conceiving and then just fall pregnant naturally the next time". Christ on a bike, it would be a miracle if I got pregnant with my dh's sperm and I'm shocked that a medical person could be so ignorant. I regret bitterly that I didn't give her both barrels at the time. YANBU

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