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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think i shouldnt have to lie for my ex

90 replies

Blackout234 · 13/01/2015 16:24

Yesterday after financial and landlord stress ex dp thought it would be appropriate to hit me. it wasn't a "spur of the moment" thing due to peaked stress, he followed me through the kitchen, to the hallway and to the front door (I was trying to go for a walk to get my head together and to give him some peace as he was constantly picking for an argument) then he grabbed me by the back of my t shirt, turned me around and punched me in the throat. first time hes ever been violent to me but at 23 weeks pregnant first and last. I'm getting photos of my changing bruise (its gone from yellow, to brown, to a purple and red line and then to a black scary looking bruise) and have written down the lead up to the attack and the attack itself and the aftermath. (His reaction wasn't "Im so sorry i did it to you" it was "Im sorry i did that but it was your fault you pushed me to it", hahaha sure). im not sure if i'll go to the police yet but thats because of my own misgivings, anyhow, this morning i was really busy calling CAB, job centre to find out what im entitled to as i cant work atm (Self employed but suffering with SPD and HG) and what i will be entitled to when baby is here as a single parent (Dont know what my work situation will be then tho)... after all this i get a call from ex mil. ex mil was demanding to know why i've stolen her ds's unborn daughter and moved 30 miles away (Only place i could go was my mums) then was saying "Oh i bet youve cheated haven't you" and giving me a barrage of abuse, in the end i just snapped and said "No MIL, your precious f--king golden boy thought it would be nice to punch his pregnant fiance in the throat so hard i now cannot eat without chewing my food to the consistency of porridge and need to go for an emergency doctors appointment later on. Piss off" and slammed the phone down. 30 mins later i had ex dp ringing my housephone (He's blocked on mobile) demanding to know why i told his mother what happened, saying hes told everyone i left him for someone else and that ive already destroyed him by leaving why do i need to do this aswell? I'm sorry if this sounds cold but he attacked ME, at the very least he should be punished by getting a bollocking off family and friends who i will put straight upon being asked. partly needed a rant, partly wanting to know if i am BU because i just dont give a shit about whatever pain he faces now as its his own doing?

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 13/01/2015 16:30

Call it in and report it to the police.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2015 16:30

He is every sort of coward isn't he.
He hits a pregnant woman.
He tries to blame her for the fact he hit her.
He then lies to his family and friends about what happened.

What a pathetic spineless twunt. You don't need to do anything to protect his feelings or reputation. I'd feel like shouting it from the rooftops

sparechange · 13/01/2015 16:31

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

On top of being physically abusive, he is now trying to be emotionally controlling because you are out of his clutches. Stay strong, but also tell other people to stay out of it.

The next few weeks and months are going to be tough enough without dragging friends and family into it. If they phone you, you just need to say 'this is a matter between the two of us' and leave it at that.

And you really ought to think about going to the police to record this. If you are worried about his behaviour and ability to control his temper, you might also be concerns about him having unsupervised visits with your little one when it arrives. A police report of violence will go in your favour if you want to have supervised visits.

LokiBear · 13/01/2015 16:33

Report to the police. Take photos of your bruise as proof. Chances are your ex will lie again. You are going to need proof.

Andro · 13/01/2015 16:33

Call the police OP, please just call them. You are not safe and neither is your unborn child. He deserves a criminal record, not just the (thoroughly deserved) issues associated with his family knowing the truth.

Theoldhag · 13/01/2015 16:36

You need to start a paper trail now.

Go to the police and get it logged.

Even though you have split up he is very likely to escalate his abuse towards you and you need to log everything he does that is abusive, you may need this paper trail in the future.

Stay strong and never lie to save an ex's face. You did right by challenging his mum, now block her arse as well.

Lots of peaceful vibes to you

Theoldhag · 13/01/2015 16:36

Oh and get a new land line number.

CrispyFern · 13/01/2015 16:37

Why would you not go to the police?
Go.

CSIJanner · 13/01/2015 16:39

This was in the line up to being evicted by your FIL's friend, wasn't it?

You've now got two threads telling you to report it to the police. Can you imagine leaving your new baby unsupervised with a man who thinks nothing of punching his pregnant partner in the throat. Go to the doctor, get checked out and REPORT him to the police. Stop defending him by not reporting it and just letting him get away with telling his friends you've cheated when you've done nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve that protection or loyalty. Your unborn child does.

Sorry if that's harsh, but this is the second thread now. Please, just report him.

GooodMythicalMorning · 13/01/2015 16:39

Definitely the police. Please. Don't let him think he got away with it.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/01/2015 16:39

Stop seeing him at all and go to the police

It's not just you, there's a baby inside you that needs protecting from him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2015 16:43

I think you should report it to the police.

Original poster

Blackout234 · 13/01/2015 16:43

Crispyfern, due to my own misgivings about the justice system, I can't stand it, and after being severely hurt when I was young i vowed to never rely on them for anything if i am hurt again (stupid i know) its likely i will be making a report for back up in court if he tries to take me to court for contact, contact that i will refuse to promote for as long as im alive. we're not married and hes not going on birth cert either.

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 13/01/2015 16:46

You REALLY need to report it.

You will be having a baby that he will have a right to a relationship with.

This is vital information that authorities need to know.

Particularly if you want to ensure that his access is supervised or restricted.

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, why the hell should he get away with assaulting you? If I walked up and punched you in the throat how far would I get before you dialled 999? You deserve no less protection and justice just because you used to be in a relationship with him!

Report him. For yourself and for the child. You have to think long term here.

And why the hell does he get to play the victim?

Original poster

Blackout234 · 13/01/2015 16:46

CSI, yup those are the LL problems as mentioned above (which was being sorted when he flipped at me), I'm finding it difficult to report due to my own personal misgivings i'm not protecting him.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 13/01/2015 16:54

Rather than seeing it as reporting it for justice for yourself. See it as a weapon in your arsenal if things get ugly later down the line.

That way you wont be let down if he doesn't get prosecuted, although I think there will be a very strong chance of that. But you will be able to produce evidence as to why he shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access.

If you haven't already seen a medical professional, then go first thing tomorrow morning, a walk in centre if you cant see your registered GP.
Then go straight to the police and ask to make a DV report.

Waiting any longer gives him wiggle room to say it wasn't him as you didn't report it until x many days after you left (i'm sure a doctor will confirm its an x day old injury but don't give your ex the chance to cause doubt). See everything from now on as strategy planning for your child's safety and happiness.

Oh and set up a new email address and next time he gets in touch text it to him and say you will no longer take his calls and to contact you via the email.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2015 16:56

By not reporting it you are indirectly protecting him. He gets no consequences and plays the wronged partner.

If nothing else, you need to have reported it in case he looks for contact later. See it as a protective measure for your child.

QueenMartha · 13/01/2015 16:56

Please phone the police. As a PP said you need to start the paper trail, I wish I had as I have no evidence of domestic violence and constantly scared if my ex takes me to court then no one will believe me.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Altinkum · 13/01/2015 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibliomania · 13/01/2015 17:00

Definitely report it - you'll need evidence if you find yourself trying to get legal aid if he takes you to court for access. Plus it means it's not just your word against his if you're dealing with social workers/CAFCASS/court down the line.

bibliomania · 13/01/2015 17:01

That should have said - you'll need evidence of DV in order to be eligible for legal aid in a family law matter.

Bogeyface · 13/01/2015 17:04

If you want to protect your child then the only way to do that is by reporting it. If it is on file then you have a cast iron reason to refuse all but supervised access. If you dont then its just your word against his and in time he will be awarded more and more access, including over nights.

If you dont want him controlling you for the rest of your life, report him now, its the only way.

magoria · 13/01/2015 17:06

If you don't report it he can go through the courts and be added to the birth certificate.

Even with this reported he may be able to do so but it will be a lot harder.

For your and your unborn child's safety report it.

To stop his friends and family mouthing off you can show he has been reported.

And if a man who thinks this is acceptable and your fault is not reported the next time could kill you or someone else.

HappyAgainOneDay · 13/01/2015 17:07

There's no point in trying to help people like this OP. Unpleasant things happen and they come to Mumsnet for advice and support. They ignore it all. Why did you post on here, OP, if you are ignoring the wise advice given on both threads?

I feel for you, OP, because I've been there too so, for heaven's sake, take on board what's been said or you'll never escape from this sort of life!

AllThatGlistens · 13/01/2015 17:09

if you want to protect your child then you need to report what he's done to you.

He has every right to access to his child, and without the relevant authorities knowing what he's done he will be given access if he fights for it.

Unless this is documented you won't have a leg to stand on unfortunately.

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