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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think i shouldnt have to lie for my ex

90 replies

Blackout234 · 13/01/2015 16:24

Yesterday after financial and landlord stress ex dp thought it would be appropriate to hit me. it wasn't a "spur of the moment" thing due to peaked stress, he followed me through the kitchen, to the hallway and to the front door (I was trying to go for a walk to get my head together and to give him some peace as he was constantly picking for an argument) then he grabbed me by the back of my t shirt, turned me around and punched me in the throat. first time hes ever been violent to me but at 23 weeks pregnant first and last. I'm getting photos of my changing bruise (its gone from yellow, to brown, to a purple and red line and then to a black scary looking bruise) and have written down the lead up to the attack and the attack itself and the aftermath. (His reaction wasn't "Im so sorry i did it to you" it was "Im sorry i did that but it was your fault you pushed me to it", hahaha sure). im not sure if i'll go to the police yet but thats because of my own misgivings, anyhow, this morning i was really busy calling CAB, job centre to find out what im entitled to as i cant work atm (Self employed but suffering with SPD and HG) and what i will be entitled to when baby is here as a single parent (Dont know what my work situation will be then tho)... after all this i get a call from ex mil. ex mil was demanding to know why i've stolen her ds's unborn daughter and moved 30 miles away (Only place i could go was my mums) then was saying "Oh i bet youve cheated haven't you" and giving me a barrage of abuse, in the end i just snapped and said "No MIL, your precious f--king golden boy thought it would be nice to punch his pregnant fiance in the throat so hard i now cannot eat without chewing my food to the consistency of porridge and need to go for an emergency doctors appointment later on. Piss off" and slammed the phone down. 30 mins later i had ex dp ringing my housephone (He's blocked on mobile) demanding to know why i told his mother what happened, saying hes told everyone i left him for someone else and that ive already destroyed him by leaving why do i need to do this aswell? I'm sorry if this sounds cold but he attacked ME, at the very least he should be punished by getting a bollocking off family and friends who i will put straight upon being asked. partly needed a rant, partly wanting to know if i am BU because i just dont give a shit about whatever pain he faces now as its his own doing?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 13/01/2015 17:10

You need to put your previous experience aside and report this on behalf of your unborn child. Who else is going to stand up for her if you don't?

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

newyear15 · 13/01/2015 17:12

You must go to the police - if not for yourself for your unborn child. Do you really want him having unsupervised access? Because if you don't report it that is exactly what he will get.

MrsDeVere · 13/01/2015 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovelamp82 · 13/01/2015 17:22

Report it to the police. You might wish you had down the line when your child is born. I'm sorry this happened to you. You sound strong for knowing that's the first and last time. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your child doesn't know it yet but you're already a great Mum making sure the baby doesn't have to grow up in that environment. Well done. Hope you're Mum is taking great care of you.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 13/01/2015 17:34

Love, hope you don't mind but I've gone through your posting history (yeah I know, bad form yada yada) but I'm struck by how kind and smart you are. You give measured advice to other posters and your offers of help are staggering. You've had a tough life but you're making your own way just fine.

You've done the right thing by leaving, you know you have so well done. I echo the other posters though - for your child's future protection, get this on record.

Sending you all my kindest thoughts x.

Andrewofgg · 13/01/2015 17:38

Report it, now, please, please, at once.

For your own sake, for the baby's sake.

I'm embarrassed to be male. Reading about MIL I'm also slightly embarrasses to be human.

SistersOfPercy · 13/01/2015 17:40

Police.

At some point, maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but at some point he's going to be alone with a toddler who's cranky and tantrummy and his excuse to that child will be "Im sorry i did that but it was your fault you pushed me to it"

AdoraBell · 13/01/2015 17:47

£4.20 on 2 coffees, DH bought lunch.

BestZebbie · 13/01/2015 18:16

Good on you for deciding once is enough, rather than excusing it! What if he had punched you in the stomach instead/next time? :S
But you should still report the attack and get it logged, even if you choose not to try and prosecute him on this occasion. Having a paper trail will help you, your unborn child, and if he got a record for it, might even end up getting found by some future potential partner of his (checking for her children etc) and warning her off too.

nocoolnamesleft · 13/01/2015 19:07

Please, please do go to the police. They do tend to take domestic violence a lot more seriously when the victim is pregnant.

Think of it this way...if a pregnant friend of yours rang you up and said "I can hardly swallow, because my ex punched me in the throat so hard" what would you tell her to do?

Worryingly, and tragically, women are more vulnerable to domestic violence during pregnancy. And violent scum (of either gender) tend to escalate if they feel they've got away with it. What if the bastard kicked you in the stomach next time?

Please, protect yourself and your baby. Call the cops.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/01/2015 19:16

OP, please go to the police! It's SO important, especially as you are pregnant. Put aside your past history with the police. Report it while you still have the physical evidence. If you don't report it, then as far as the authorities are concerned it never happened. With a domestic assault report, you may not have to pay for a family court lawyer in future, and with an ex like this, I'm pretty sure you're going to need one.

AlecMac · 13/01/2015 19:32

What do you want to happen next and in the future? Think about that and take a course of action that supports what you want.

Don't act in a way because you feel you should, or because other people tell you too.

But do be realistic, if your imagined future involves 'changing him' don't be surprised if you get punched, or worse, again.

kittensinmydinner · 13/01/2015 19:36

OP you need to know some facts. Not being married and not putting him on the birth certificate is no protection. If he applies for contact (or whatever the new term is ) and you refuse and say he is not the father then the court will order a DNA . Your ex p will be found to be the father and in the eyes of the court you will have be seen as lying and deliberately refusing contact. that puts you in the back foot and will go against you in court' he will then get 'parental responsibility'.(PR) and be awarded contact. With no evidence of DV then it's your word against his and because you have already been seen to be obstructive, it will go in his favour. He will get unsupervised and overnights, because it's automatic when there is no reason not to . ..and without a DV report of what he has just done, you have handed all the cards to him on a plate. That's the way it will be. Now report or don't report but if you really want to protect your baby from this violent git then you know what you have to do .

Andrewofgg · 13/01/2015 20:44

What kittensinmydinner said but from experience (professional, not personal) you need more than a DV report: you need a conviction. Which means pressing charges and going to court, and yes, it can be nasty, he will have his lawyer to cross-examine you (as is your ex's right and counsel's duty) but it has to be done. Please.

IHeartChristmasMoomies · 13/01/2015 20:54

You might have your misgivings, but please take note of what kittens has posted.

Don't let him have the opportunity to do this to your child.

musicalendorphins2 · 14/01/2015 10:36

www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/

MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 10:43

Read Kittensinmydinner's post above. Report it please! Just because you had one bad experience with the police, don't put yourself in the situation where you can't protect your DC from him. Call the police, press charges. It isn't about you and him anymore, it's about your unborn DC, they are the priorty, not him and sadly not what you want. Make sure you aren't putting yourself on the backfoot.

And tell everyone, if he doesn't want people to think he's the sort of man to his his pregnant partner, he shouldn't hit his pregnant partner. The concequences of his actions are his problem, not yours.

Abusive men often get away with it because other people cover up for them. You will be covering up for him with the police and social services. Don't do that to your child, it's not fair on them.

gamerchick · 14/01/2015 10:52

You do need to ring the police. As has been said you're going to he screwed when it comes to access for your child.

Do it now while you have proof.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 14/01/2015 10:57

Like everyone else says - REPORT REPORT REPORT and NOW - ASAP - if you are serious about protecting your child. Now, while they can still see a bruise.

Or in a year you will be looking at this shitbag taking your baby out for the day without you.

Forget not supporting contact - you won't have much choice unless you do the absolute maximum to report his violence. Even then, if he pursues it, he'll get contact. Your best bet is to be FEROCIOUS in reporting him, and hopefully by the time baby is old enough for unsupervised contact he'll have moved on and thought better of it.

Report him now.

Oh and keep telling everyone exactly what happened.

MrsLowe14 · 14/01/2015 11:03

Please report him.
I was in a similar situation many years ago and as a previous poster mentioned what happens when he has the baby over night and its screaming and the baby 'pushes him to it'
My 4 month old son ended up with a broken leg, broken arm and a fractured skull. That's what happens. And I still live with that every day of my life.
My DS is now 10 and by the grace of god is normal and healthy. Please report him.

SaucyJack · 14/01/2015 11:06

Yes, do go to the police. They won't make you press charges, but they will make a report of it which you may well need at a later date.

This is particularly important if you're planning to apply for social housing as a homeless person.

Original poster

Blackout234 · 14/01/2015 11:07

Hi everyone, not had chance to update as been lying in bed eating oreos and crying my ladyballs off. Anyhow, i went to the doctors yesterday at around 5:30 and then went to the police station and filed the report. gave them the pictures of my bruising (I have bruising on my throat and ribs, ribs where i hit the door handle upon being punched) took his details,address name etc and now he's in for questioning because of this. police came out this morning to speak to my mum and younger sister about the aftermath of the attack and what i told them happened, as far as i know hes still in custody.
As for my health im mostly ok, doctor says its just really bad bruising but if i still can't swallow right in 2 weeks to come back in to get checked over, I told the doctor what happened and that i was going to the police and told the police i'd been to the doctor and gave both parties permission to liase on my behalf as I dont want confidentiality laws to delay anything I just want everything done and dusted asap.
Feel very hurt, angry and numb. In some aspects it feels like a "Normal" breakup. "normal" exes don't punch you in the throat.

OP posts:

NotYouNaanBread · 14/01/2015 11:07

If you don't report it you are protecting him and lying for him. You need to shake off the experience you had in the past, and put your trust in the system that is there to protect you. Report it and disengage. If his mother calls or contacts you again, do not speak or respond - just hang up. If they harass you, report that too.

You are angry now, but in a couple of weeks you'll be back on here saying that you feel sorry for him and you're going to meet to talk, then it's a slippery slope back into involvement with somebody who will beat you again, and again and again. Don't let that happen. Take decisive and clear-headed steps today to protect you and your child from this person.

It's 11am. You have the whole day ahead of you to get this dealt with.

tattychicken · 14/01/2015 11:11

Bloody well done. You have done the right thing.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 14/01/2015 11:26

Well done.

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