Aibu: to feel devastated that my son said this?

[kewtogetin]

Afternoon all. I'm not usually one for drama but I'm actually feeling devastated over an incident at my sons school today. He is in year 2 and at pick up time his teacher asked if she could have a word. It transpires that my son called a girl in his class 'brownie' during a lesson this afternoon. The girl is his friend, of Pakistani heritage and so does indeed have brown skin. I asked him why he said this and he replied 'because she has brown skin mummy'
I genuinely believe this incident doesn't have racist undertones but if course I understand that making fun of someone because they look different to you is also not acceptable.
Race/racism is not something we've ever spoken about at home, I don't think he has any concept of racism. He certainly hasn't heard any negative language surrounding race either at home or within the wider family. His teacher was very unhappy and he has received a warning and will miss out on the end of term treat as punishment. She also told me (grudgingly) that she is prepared 'to leave it at this, and not take it any further')
I can't understand why I'm so upset over it, I think it's because I'm worried that his teacher has him marked as a racist but also because he seems so bewildered as to why this incident is so serious. Im waiting for DH to come home from work before we talk to him together but to be honest I really don't know where to start or what to say, I'm upset with him but for him too if that makes any sense?!
Any advice gratefully received.

Take a deep breath. Unless your sons teacher is extremely new she will have seen stuff like this before. Kids aren't racist, so she would be stupid to mark him out as one.

You do need to have a discussion with your son about why we don't make fun of people, especially for things they can't control. And perhaps touch on the significance of racism in particular.

Kids say stuff, it happens, it's how you deal with it that matters.

Was he making fun of her?

It does sound innocent to me and to lose his end of term treat seems a complete over-reaction.

Such a severe punishment at the beginning of term leaves the teacher nowhere to go with sanctions imo if there are any other bad behaviours.

I totally understand this. My own Dd was berated by a lunch supervisor who overheard her talking to her friend, she told him he looked like chocolate and she'd eat him all up. They then giggled and carried on eating.
Dd (white) Friend (black) have known each other since they were 3, and she adored him. The supervisor went way overboard so much so that Dd was afraid to even talk to her friend in school anymore and was so teary when anyone said anything. Friends Mom went into the school and tore a strip off the supervisor for interfering with such good little friends relationship.
No advice from me, I left it with the friends Mom she handled it better than me.

I think in a young child's case it could just as easily have been 'shorty' or 'fatty' which I doubt would have had the same terrible result.
Whilst obviously you need to explain to your son that it isn't acceptable I don't think he was necessarily being 'racist.'

It sounds to me a bit of an overreaction from the teacher ,end of term is ages away , surely your son won't even recall what he is being punished for by then . Just have a chat to him about what is acceptable and why and don't worry about it .

I can see how it would not be racist - I can imagine a year 2 child calling another child "blondie" or "ginger", and my 3.5yo has a couple of dark skinned children in her class, which she finds VERY interesting (possibly because they're the only identifiable children in a sea of blonde?), but I suppose now is the time to explain to him how these "handles" can be innocently intended, but have negative meanings which wouldn't immediately occur to him, and to refrain from nicknames that refer to any aspect of physical appearance, particularly when our parents were kind enough to give us all actual NAMES to use.

As your son if friends with this girl, the teacher should possibly have a bit more gumption than to immediately be grumpy about it, but I suppose she has no way of knowing that you're not all flag waving members of Britain First behind closed doors, and all HELL would break loose if she had the girl's parents coming in to her tomorrow over this.

That was a crazy run-on sentence there. Sorry.

I think schools keep records of such incidents; quite ridiculous IMO. You know your son, you know whether he meant to hurt and offend, or if he was stating the obvious. Young children cannot be expected to filter their comments in the way adults can. I understand why you feel bad; try not to let it take over. Teacher over-reacted but she is probably told to be VIGILANT and is taking it to extremes.

She is new cundt, early 20's, NQT, I think in her mind this is a racist incident and needs to be dealt with as such, it seems she has a 'one punishment fits all' approach but realistically if that's the punishment I don't feel I can argue against it or it will look like I am undermining her (in her eyes anyway)

My son and the girl in question have been friends since age 3 and have been on the same table for 2 years. I have spoken to her mum, apologised and she was fine with it, understanding and she herself said he was probably just 'stating the obvious' but I'm still gutted. Maybe because I think it's a reflection on me? My parenting? I think I've taken it personally.

I think I'd have to say to her "yes completely agree that he needs to be aware this word can be offensive and he shouldn't use it but to stop him having his treat implies that you think he has knowingly and wilfully been offensive which I absolutely do not agree with".

At the risk of sounding like a cliche my son's best friend is black and there have been a couple of times we've had to nudge him on certain words (one of which indeed was brownie), but that was all he needed - a gentle nudge.

I got told off for calling a girl blackie in reception. In hindsight it was a bad thing to say but at that age to me I was pointing out her colour. Again a silly thing to do but I thought it was acceptable. Your child isn't racist don't stress

I think the context is important here. If it was meant as an insult and meant to hurt then of course he should have been punished.

If it was just an affectionate joke or an observation then teacher really over reacted.

Dds both have black friends and of course the colour of skin had been noticed and come up in an observational way talking about each other's skin and hair etc but it's never been said as anything meant to.upset or hurt said friends.

I understand teachers wanting to ensure children aren't bullied but people can make innocent observations about people without being racist ffs.

that said maybe a word about acceptable terms?

that chocolate story takes the piss. those poor girls.

gosh thats very ott. its just kids saying what they see. little children having to walk on egg shells and implyed to be racist its disgusting. and you know what i bet the kids are not even bothered about it and are still friends and adult is messing it up... poor kids

This seems like an awfully strong punishment. End of term is a long way away.
As an NQT she has probably had training on racist incidents and is very aware but it seems like a massive overreaction.
Have you got a copy of the school's behaviour policy?
I am sure it doesn't advocate such draconian measures.
I would be inclined to reinforce with him that we don't call people names at all and write a note saying that you feel a warning is adequate and that you have supportd her by reinforcing ts at home.
Yes, schools keep a record of such incidents and have to report them. Don't worry about this though, it seems pretty innocent to me.

Don't take it personally, kids say ridiculous stuff all the time. My DS is obsessed with everyone's skin colour at the moment. He's not racist, he's 2 and realising my skin is a different colour to his.

I agree that the punishment isn't a very productive one. He won't even remember this by the time he's being punished by it.

But I do understand why the school would want to come down heavily on something like this. Innocent or not, they need to learn at some point how unacceptable it is.

We had this at our school with a lovely 4 year old describing her teacher's brown skin and saying, while the class were washing hands "the brown on your skin can camouflage brown marks" (which is quite complex for a 4 yo anyway). She was pointing out that her white skin would show up dirt rather than camouflage it. She was not saying that brown skin was dirty. Because she wouldn't - she's never heard that kind of talk and was actually just describing what she saw. But it got registered as a racist incident and her parents were called in. It got recorded by the Local Authority. I had no faith in the teacher anyway but her reaction to this from a 4 yo whom she should have known to be just a bright, observational, sweet girl really angered me.

I think I would just play it down with your son. Obviously if he was "making fun" of her then he shouldn't. Not about the colour of her skin or about anything else. And you could have a conversation about how everyone has a different coloured skin and that's interesting but not good or bad. But it sounds like he knows that anyway. I would tell my children not to comment on what other people look like and just to leave it at that. You don't want to terrify him into thinking he's become this horrible thing that's called A Racist.

I think it depends on the contaxt, if your son meant it innocently, just as a reflection that she had brown skin then it isn't racist. If he mean it as an insult then that is another matter.

I must admit I test things out with a mixed race friend of mine, she would tell me if something is offensive or not.
When my DD was in class 2 her best friend was a mixed race child of white/asian origin and she made some comment about her having brown skin but not in a negative way, more as an observation. However, due to the climate we were concerned and encouraged her not to make comments about another person's colour.

Do you know if the other child was upset at being called 'Brownie'?
Has your child made other comments which you have not been told about. It does seem harsh to miss an end of term treat for an isolated event at the start of term. I think more questions need to be asked about this and the teacher's response.
Hope that helps

The loss of an end of term treat two weeks into term is utterly ridiculous- I'm an ex teacher and if I think you'd be within your rights to have words over such s heavy handed punishment. My son is in Y2, very bright, only just getting the idea of what is and isn't appropriate to say.

I wouldn't be going in all guns blazing but would be having words about the teacher's sense of perspective!

I think. We have become almost afraid yo use words like black etc. and the fact people come down so hard on people with no for saying anything regardless of Context surely in itself gives the impression that being black is something to.be ashamed of.

Our school would consider a racist incident as one where the intention was to hurt the other person by using language referring to their race, religion or colour. In this instance I would make an appointment to see the HT to clarify what the school policy is. The teacher should have asked for guidance considering the age of the children involved. A chat with your ds and then a chat with you would have been sufficient I would have thought.

Kids aren't racist

I'd beg to differ, some are but that's because they have been influenced by their bigoted parents. My children were called nigger and black bastard at junior school My youngest was also called chocolate drop in infant school and it was definitely being said as an insult rather than the "eat you all up" comment above. I know this because the child involved was from a very racist family in our local area.

Calling a child brownie does seem rather mild and I'm sure wasn't said as an insult. It does, however, give you an opportunity to discuss with him why the girl may (or indeed may not) have been upset.

It seems only the teacher is offended. I think her talking to you and you speaking to your child and to the other mother was a strong enough consequence. Seems innocence is being lost younger and younger. Harsh about losing the end of term treat too.

This sounds completely innocent to me. Your poor DS will have had no idea of the connotations of what he said and muse be so upset and bewildered to be in so much trouble at school.
I would insist to the school that this was said in innocence and that the punishment is over the top.

Giles

I understand that black is the correct way to describe someone who is .... black. Calling them brown or coloured would be seen as insulting.

It is a bit of a minefield to be honest as things change over the years. I refer to my children as mixed race but I understand there's a new pc description (dual heritage or summat). My children, however, refer to themselves as being black.

I was a bit when a good friend of mine referred to my boys as half-caste. I told her that expression went out with the Ark and she got very huffy about it. She's not older generation, she's mid 40's and very intelligent so I was a little surprised to be honest.