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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confront my boss about this

104 replies

disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 09:55

Hi all, I have name changed.

Long story short, I have been a PA in a firm of three people (me and my two bosses) for nearly a year. One of my bosses (we will call him A) was having a conversation with me yesterday and I started talking about how we are renovating our house at the moment and how I am worried whether we will finish within budget as things always cost more than you think.

Anyway, he then said to me "I know I shouldn't say this but I want to help you out so I want you to wear hold ups at work and I will give you £100 a week tax free if you do. You don't have to wear them to and from work, you can change into them here. I also won't pressure you to say yes to this but it would cheer me up and give me something to look forward to. Oh, and I would also want to see the tops of them. I could just give you the money but that wouldn't be right."

I was so shocked and taken aback that I just kind of said "no way in a million years" and left the room.

I stewed on it all night (and got more and more angry) and told my husband this morning. He didn't want me to come in today but I feel that I have to confront him about it.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
hesterton · 13/01/2015 10:24

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CrystalHaze · 13/01/2015 10:24

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worldgonecrazy · 13/01/2015 10:26

Wear the hold ups. I presume if he likes them he also knows that the elastic goes very easily. And he can "see the tops" when they gather, Nora Batty style, around your ankles.

I agree with the pp about recording the conversation so that you have evidence.

However, don't expect a massive pay out from a tribunal, so best to be job hunting now.

midsummabreak · 13/01/2015 10:29

I would report his inappropriate behaviour and if this resulted in no changes i would tell the other boss i was forced to look for another job, as i was unable to work under these conditions. but stand my ground and stay until i had alternative employment .
Don't be intimidated by him, He is playing mind games. If you report him be prepared for him to lie but the other boss will hopefully see that something is amiss.

He would have known after having a professional working relationship with you for a year that you would be angry that he showed complete disregard for your rights within the workplace. He apparently bypassed any respect (or apparently always had none) to suggest he could pay you to parade lingerie.

ilovesooty · 13/01/2015 10:30

I think I'd be looking for another job. Sadly since he owns the company there'll probably be little you can do apart from expressing your disgust. I hope ACAS comes up with something helpful.

Original poster
disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 10:31

I have just spoken to my other boss and he is appalled. He said he is 150% on my side on this and that he will also speak to him. I told him I wanted to deal with it first. He really is disgusted.

OP posts:
Nomama · 13/01/2015 10:33

Ladies! Don't confront the poster - tell MN Towers. Play nicely, by the rules.

OP... Having had a similar experience about 20 years ago I want to be shocked that this still happens. But in small companies - meh!

Let us know what t'other boss suggests. You never know, he may come up with a solution that makes you feel safe and comfortable at work. But he does need to know why you no longer have that bright happy smile on your face and are no longer willing to help out as much as you were!

ilovesooty · 13/01/2015 10:34

Glad to hear the other boss is disgusted.

Mrsmorton · 13/01/2015 10:35
Shock I don't have a problem with my hold up elastic.

What's your plan now OP?

Original poster
disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 10:37

CrystalHaze, that's my fault, I didn't include any background in the original post because I didn't want to make it too long. He has always been suggestive (especially about hold ups) and sometimes he steers our conversations into very personal subjects (which I always steer it away from) but he has never actually seriously said anything like he said yesterday. I don't know, maybe it's my fault for going along with the jokey comments and responding in a jokey way but I was just shocked by the sudden change in tone.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 13/01/2015 10:48

He's a creep and it is not your fault you didn't see that when he was joking. This is the sort of man that makes it so difficult for all other men who actually have respect for women. No wonder you were shocked as now you see his true colours

Original poster
disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 10:55

That's exactly is midsumma, I now see how he truly is and how he thinks of women. I am also really hurt and offended that he would think so little of me to even ask that. Does he really think i'm that kind of person? Just goes to show that you never really know someone.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 13/01/2015 11:10

I don't care whether the OP is real or not - I've just recalled some very happy memories of my younger days when I wore hold ups to the office and some of the wonderful moments I had. It definitely made work more interesting. Thank you OP for reminding me that I used to be young and sexy Grin

Having said that, I am so glad that I no longer need to spend hours getting ready for work every morning as I now work in comfy jeans every day.

msgrinch · 13/01/2015 11:12

he's disgusting! Hope you're ok op and your other boss can help you sort this out.

Mrsmorton · 13/01/2015 11:21

So what will you do now OP?

InfinitySeven · 13/01/2015 11:31

Just as a point, I don't believe that you can claim constructive dismissal with less than two years service.

Original poster
disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 11:32

I have spoken to him. He said he apologises, he's upset that he upset me and that he was an asshole and he knew it. He said that for someone intelligent he sometimes has no brains and that it was a stupid thing to say and can I forgive him. I said that I don't think he understands how upset it's made me and he said no he doesn't understand entirely because it wasn't meant to be offensive and that he was just trying to help me out! Unbelievable! Anyway, I just said my bit and left the room. Then went to the toilet and cried.

OP posts:
Bumbiscuits · 13/01/2015 11:36

Write down everything, complain to other boss whenever you can, go to an employment solicitor who will be very happy to advise you.

echt · 13/01/2015 11:37

I'm not sure how holdups would work as a boss incentive. How would he know you're wearing them?

Go to ACAS and damn the time limit.

NeedABumChange · 13/01/2015 11:41

Wow that all happened very quickly Shock

EBearhug · 13/01/2015 11:51

he said no he doesn't understand entirely because it wasn't meant to be offensive and that he was just trying to help me out!

Maybe you need to tell him that being treated like a prostitute would be upsetting to most women.

crumblebumblebee · 13/01/2015 12:06

So much for the "we believe you" campaign.

drbonnieblossman · 13/01/2015 12:13

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Altinkum · 13/01/2015 12:29

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Original poster
disgustedemployee · 13/01/2015 12:31

Yep, being made to feel humiliated by a fat 57 year old man is every woman's fantasy. There is NOTHING erotic about this, trust me. Anyway, I think I'm going to stop posting now because if this is what happens when you ask for help and advice then I won't bother.

OP posts: