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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to end this school run arrangement?

126 replies

BumbleGirl · 12/01/2015 12:20

Since the start of school in Sept, my neighbour has been dropping off her 2 DC (DD8 & DS10) to me 3 mornings a week when she starts work early. I take them on the school run along with my DS (7), then drop DD (1) at childminder and go to work. It's a bit hectic getting all organised, but so far has worked out ok.

I mentioned to her today that I need to go into work early for a meeting next Monday, but DH is off for the day, so he can do the school run. She didn't say anything at the time, but I got a text from her an hour later asking if I had to go in for this meeting? I replied that yes I needed to, but reiterated DH didn't mind taking her DC in with our DS as normal. She then said she wasn't sure, would see if she could sort something else out but it was short notice. I've yet to reply, all I can think of saying is wtf?!

We've been neighbours and friends for 5 years, her kids have spent loads of time at our house - particularly in the school holidays. We've taken them out on days out to theme parks etc with us (she doesn't drive), and DH is in no way a stranger to them. They happily chat to him when they see him. I have no idea why on earth she doesn't want him to take them to school! He would have them for a maximum of 20 minutes at our house, then off to school (less than 10 min walk away)

AIBU to feel fucked off about this, and not want to continue the arrangement? (which doesn't benefit me in the slightest if I'm honest, but I was happy to do as a favour)

(I've NC for this in case it outs me, but am a long time MNer - honest!)

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 12/01/2015 18:29

I agree with whoever said that her problems are not your responsibility. This knobhead isn't just controlling his own partner, he's trying to control you as well (and clearly thought he was making some headway to even think he could get her to ask you to change your meeting!)

You can still be there for her if you want to be, without offering quite a comprehensive childcare service free of charge!

burblish · 12/01/2015 18:50

You are clearly a nice person, wanting to support her in circumstances where it sounds as though her "D"P does the exact opposite. However, she - and he - is taking the piss now. If she can manage to sort something out for a day when your DH would be doing the school run, then she can jolly well sort out something for all the other days too. Besides, whether she can or can't, it isn't your responsibility either way. Who knows - maybe she will have to face up to the fact that her "D"P is a tosspot and actually do something about it.

Flomple · 12/01/2015 19:00

Gatorade You can still be there for her if you want to be, without offering quite a comprehensive childcare service free of charge!

Exactly! Any reply from her OP?

abigamarone · 12/01/2015 19:03

She text me back saying she was sorry if she'd upset me, and that her DP had made a comment about it not being right DH bring in charge of them. I wish I could say my reply was calm and reasoned... but I was far too irritated by then

Actually, that might put a different slant on it. Could read as the boyfriend/husband thinking it was a bit out of order expecting your husband to take over the childcare - not not trusting him, not wanting to put him out. Especially if he himself has form for not wanting to look after them.

This doesn't mean he's not a knob, just that your friend didn't mean it in the way it originally looked.

Fanfeckintastic · 12/01/2015 19:41

I really want to know what you said OP?? What did she reply?

fuzzpig · 12/01/2015 19:44

Cheeky Shock

tobysmum77 · 12/01/2015 19:47

I would be Shock Angry Confused Hmm at the suggestion it was wrong for dh to do the school run.

Whatever you said was justified op, I really wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes people show their true colours

KatieKaye · 12/01/2015 19:51

Well done for that assertive response!!

You've been doing her a massive favour and she's started not just to take you for granted but try to dictate how things should be.

Whether or not she is an abusive relationship has got nothing to do with the way she's trying to order your life to fit in with her requirements.

Has she texted back after your response?

alicemalice · 12/01/2015 19:56

Bloody hell, what century are they living in?

Coyoacan · 12/01/2015 19:57

Actually, that might put a different slant on it. Could read as the boyfriend/husband thinking it was a bit out of order expecting your husband to take over the childcare - not not trusting him, not wanting to put him out

That doesn't really put a different slant on it, actually. You are saying that that man is only concerned about putting another man out, but has no problem with taking advantage of women.

NeedABumChange · 12/01/2015 20:01

Even if the DP is a knob the friend still wrote the text, which is ridiculously twatty.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 12/01/2015 20:07

Basically this has exposed that not only is this man controlling of her and doesn't respect her, he's trying to control you and doesn't respect you either (not going into work to look after their children, hilarious!) Stuff that for a game of monkeys! Well done for saying you don't want to continue, sounds like you weren't getting much out of your end of the deal, and as for your DH being insulted (let's face it, it is an insult to say you wouldn't want the husband looking after the children), again, why would you or him volunteer for that!

AlpacaPicnic · 12/01/2015 20:07

I wonder if her dp is worried that she will realise he is a bit of a twat by not helping out. If she suddenly sees a decent chap, sharing responsibility etc then she might realise she's better off without him?

alicemalice · 12/01/2015 20:11

Well whatever the motivation behind their comments, they are a cheeky pair of rude twats. And also pretty foolish too.

tobysmum77 · 12/01/2015 20:11

i agree with coayacan and alpacapicnic

her dp is a pathetic excuse for a man

Flomple · 12/01/2015 20:24

And in your position I'd be hugely insulted that her DP is happy for you to do the run but thinks it's beneath him and your DP.

Or possibly she is making up a reason that might be more palatable than her true reason. That's probably overly cynical, I just find it hard to stomach that a bloke could view women so literally as worth less.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/01/2015 20:40

"Hi work I'll be late in today I have to take next doors' kids to school"
What sort of hard hearted knob of a boss wouldn't understand?

rollonthesummer · 12/01/2015 20:50

When I was pg with DD she used to pick up DS from school if my midwife appts over ran

I bet that wasn't very often!? I only had about 7 appointments in my whole pregnancy this time round!

CheerfulYank · 12/01/2015 20:54

Good for you OP.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 12/01/2015 20:58

OP try to remember that she is in a somewhat abusive relationship and this man is quite clearly succeeding in alienating her from her support networks.

This :(

Whippet81 · 12/01/2015 20:59

Good on you for being assertive.

I can't believe there are men who have never had sole charge of their own children - to be fair DP is far more competent than me with babies and I wouldn't think twice about leaving mine with my DB or DFIL.

Agree he is trying to control you as well. He started doing that by dropping the kids off earlier than he should.

I think you've probably got enough on your plate (as in general life as we all have) without worrying about the neighbours and getting their kids to school. What started off as helping out has turned into hassle for you so I would just call an end to it. I would be majorly pissed at the suggestion I missed a meeting and the whole DH can't cope thing. Like you said I'm sure you can do without it. Not your problem.

rollonthesummer · 12/01/2015 21:29

OP try to remember that she is in a somewhat abusive relationship and this man is quite clearly succeeding in alienating her from her support networks.

True-but OP can support her friend without being expected to provide endless unpaid childcare with nothing in return.

Original poster
BumbleGirl · 12/01/2015 21:36

We've talked many many times in the past about their relationship. She seems to have the view that he 'rescued' her and her DC after her marriage broke down, and as they aren't his children she can't expect him to do childcare. Fair enough if she's happy with that, but I wouldn't be! The major concern (imo) is the house is his, she's not on the deeds and I think it puts her in a vulnerable position should the relationship go awry. That's partly why I encouraged her when she talked about applying for this job, I hoped that not being completely financially reliant on him would boost her confidence a bit. I've no doubt it's difficult for her.

She doesn't have work tomorrow so I may suggest she meets me for lunch & we sort things out properly. I'm still not sure whether her DP's view was it wasnt appropriate, or that it was women's work and that's why he objected!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 22:20

Hope she is forthcoming with you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/01/2015 23:16

That's kind of you OP! I hope her 'D'P hasn't turned her against you.