To think that DH should cancel this (to him) very important event?

[caycepollard]

I think I might be and am totally prepared to be told so. DH is currently training for a marathon, which I am being supportive of. There is s half marathon in the lead up that he is registered to do and regards as important.

We have just realised (because we are fools) is on the same weekend as DM's 70th birthday; 300 miles away. The race is the day after DM's do, meal in the early evening with all GC etc.

DH is suggesting leaving that evening so he can get back for the race the following morning. I will travel back a few days later with the DC. DH will have to drive as public transport won't work with times.

I think he's mad and should cancel the race. It is essentially a training run that can be done another time/with the group he is training with (not all of whom are doing the half) or do a different half a couple of weeks later (still spaces available, but he likes less due to hills).

I am being a cow aren't I? I just feel like it will be an issue for DM/DF of feeling like he isn't taking the birthday event seriously and will result in awkwardness. So as not to drop feed DM has been unwell this year and has just had the all clear do this is an important celebration.

TBH, I think that if he's going to bolt his food/be itching to be off, then he might as well not go at all.

That said, if he would go with good grace & leave early, I think that your mum should appreciate the effort that he has made.

Mil's 70th is in a few weeks with family meal planned. dd came home yesterday with an invitation to a sleepover/party starting at exactly the same time and date. I'm going to let her go to the party. I know Mil will be fine with it.

I find increasingly that it's not mine or dh's activities that rule the roost, but the kids. We're frequently (and happily) finding that we're giving things up in order for the kids to do their thing.

Assuming the half marathon is in the spring, there are lots of them. His marathon training schedule will not fall apart if he does a different HM either the week before or the week after he was going to. It will have absolutely no impact on his time on marathon day. In fact, doing a hilly one might be a good thing for his training and have a positive impact!

You say you have to travel 300 miles. I suppose there isn't a race in that area he could do that weekend instead? If he goes onto Runner's World he can do a search and filter by distance and area.

I run but I would put a 70th birthday party first. Especially as it was in the diary first. However, I did do a 10k in Glasgow before family friends' anniversary party once, although that was also because I really wanted to do a race in Scotland and I had already booked the race when I was invited to the party but not the travel.

I always find the comments about "family time" quite amusing. What is this mythical family time of which you speak? In the week we have work and school, at the weekends we have washing, ironing, and, well parkrun, which probably is as close to family time as we get, as we all run it.

Gautami your daughter is doing what I have seen many, many posters flamed for on here - accepting an invitation and then getting a 'better offer' and cancelling... Surely she should be learning that if you accept an invitation (especially from a close family member) then you attend that event?

I'm telling you that, as a GM, I'd be devastated it one of my DGC did this - it would be a different matter if she'd already accepted the sleepover invitation before receiving mine (same rules would apply, I would be upset but not hurt). Can I ask whether you'd be as blasé about her not going if it was your DM, not your MIL...?

Bikket I can see your point, but she didn't really know about the meal. We hadn't told her about it yet as we only heard about it properly at the weekend and had yet to confirm whether we could all make it.

I get on very well with my mil, she's lovely, and she would hate to think that any of her grandkids had missed out on something really fun for a stuffy old meal out. DD is going to go round in the morning and make mil a special breakfast instead.

This was not a blasé decision, but one that was well considered. I would do exactly the same regardless of which grandparent it was.

Would you really be devastated? For a grandparent you come across as selfish and demanding.

We'll it does depend a lot in how important family relationship are for you.
In my family, a birthday party for granma, esp a 'special one' where you will have all the dcs and their own children would trump an invitation with a friend that can easily be rescheduled.
Clearly for others, the family ties are nowhere best as strong and they would see nothing wrong with it.

But I do ask though, when 2 invites are coming at the same time, what would make you decide between them?

Fwiw, I used to be that self centred young woman who was putting herself before gran parents etc. that was until I lost my gran that I realise I would never have the chance to do that again. I regret that attitude because yes at the time it looked much more interesting and exiting.

OP yanbu. Why doesn't everyone just forget about the fact it's a birthday for a minute (there's this weird thing about how adults celebrating birthdays ABU and lots of stories about how many posters barely even noticed their own birthdays "because they are adults", but I digress)
It's a planned celebration with two other couples, it has been agreed, they are expected and it's a very long way away, so may not be repeated for a very long time. One half of one couple missing changes the dynamic at a small gathering like that, if it were a big party I would say his suggestion is a fair compromise, but with a small meal it would put a dampener on things - if he has to drive 300 miles that night he will be itching to leave as soon as the plates are cleared.

Friar I posted early on to say that if my DiL could not come to my birthday celebration, I really would understand.
All opinions are different, but to suggest that because I feel this way, my family ties are not strong is insulting. We are a very, very close family.

And Metal I also said that I did not get over fussed about birthdays. Others do, that is fine. It does not make me weird, just different to you

It can depend on his training schedule. Half marathons need to be well timed into the training schedule for the full marathon.

TheFriar are you referring to my post?

Your imagination is getting away with you. my dd is a lovely generous little girl who has a great relationship with her nan. They are close and spend lots of quality time together which is what counts at the end of the day.

In this case, the decision was made because we happen to have had lots of family meals out lately and dd has attended them all (and given up a few things to do so). I didn't feel she should have to again, particularly as this party invite could not be rearranged.

your comment suggesting she is being self-centred is quite rude and unnecessary.

I think he is making the best out of a difficult situation. He will have been training for a long time for this.
I think he is making the best possible compromise and one which if your mum is a decent person which I'm sure she is would understand and be mortified if he missed the chance after all his hard work

YANBU , he shouldn't have double booked. Bet his training means you are having to cover a lot of the domestic stuff as well at the moment.

I think it sounds like a lot for him to go to a meal and drive 300 miles home when he has a half marathon the next day! I would tell my DH he didn't have to come to the meal. But that is in the context of a relationship where we prioritise each other's "fun" (if you can call marathon running that!). If you both have different priorities right now then it probably is making things difficult and you need to work out how you can deal with situations like this in the future. I have plenty of friends who restrict what their other halves can do for the sake of family time and to me that is a poor solution. Much better to try and find a way of involving all of the family in everyone's fun stuff (which becomes easier as the children get older and they can run/cycle/swim or whatever with you).

He shouldn't have double booked, but it seems that the meal(which I'm assuming was booked first) was forgotten about(by Op as well).

So nobody realised that he was double booked.

I suppose he should cancel the run if the meal was booked first, but it doesn't seem to have been deliberate & he has offered a solution.

But if the training usually comes first & other stuff cancelled or foregone, it's easy to see why OP wishes that he would cancel.

But then I wonder how influenced she is by the thought of her mum & dad thinking badly of him for "not taking the birthday seriously"??!!

Suppose the run was booked first, should he cancel or would his compromise be good enough then.

They're your parents not his - YABU as he is attending the main function.

Was the "meal" even actually accepted by the DP? The OP only conceded that the date was in diary first, that doesn't mean the same thing as having accepted an invitation to a particular event, turning the double booking into a failure to check the calendar and ask if anything was happening for the MIL's b'day.

Both of you didn't realise the date clashed. Things happen.

How much did the HM cost to enter? Can you afford to waste that amount of money?

A lot of people are jumping to conclusions about the amount of training he is doing (I very much doubt he is training 2 hours a day 6 days a week).

I think the OP IBU over this issue. She may not BU over the training as a whole but if she's not happy with it she needs to address it with her husband. I think he has suggested a fair compromise (given that the date was booked without either party realizing there was a clash) and the OP should respect that.

Any resolution, OP?

Has he looked at other options? Can he defer entry until next year? Consider alternatitive halves around a similar time? Worst case scenario, he could do a half by himself, under race conditions, close to the Sunday. In summary, I think your dh could be more flexible.

If this was the actual race, then I would say that you are being unreasonable. If you saw your mother all the time then I would say you were being unreasonable. If it wasn't quite a special occasion then I would say you were being unreasonable.

But since none of that applies, it's your partner being totally unreasonable.

I used to do a lot of running, and have done distance races. It IS very easy to lose perspective as to how your decisions over training can hurt other people's feelings, because it makes them feel second best.

This your mother's 70th, and you rarely see her. She deserves more than a token appearance. Your partner is quite clearly going to be clock watching in order to ensure he gets away at the best time. He isn't going to be really relaxing because he will be thinking about the traffic, getting back, how much sleep he can get, and the race the next day. What about if you actually want to spend some quality time with your mother? Does he just expect you to "manage" the children whilst trying to make sure your mum has a lovely evening as well?

This is just a training race to give him an indication of his splits, his average pace, and to test out some gels/nutrition. He can do that the weekend after. It won't be in the same environment, but that's not what's important. Get him a bloody garmin watch (from the money you'd save on the petrol from him to-ing and fro-ing) so he can time himself properly and get a good indication of his info.

I think he is being totally selfish and unreasonable. Fees for entering local races are minimal.