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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should cancel this (to him) very important event?

121 replies

caycepollard · 12/01/2015 12:01

I think I might be and am totally prepared to be told so. DH is currently training for a marathon, which I am being supportive of. There is s half marathon in the lead up that he is registered to do and regards as important.

We have just realised (because we are fools) is on the same weekend as DM's 70th birthday; 300 miles away. The race is the day after DM's do, meal in the early evening with all GC etc.

DH is suggesting leaving that evening so he can get back for the race the following morning. I will travel back a few days later with the DC. DH will have to drive as public transport won't work with times.

I think he's mad and should cancel the race. It is essentially a training run that can be done another time/with the group he is training with (not all of whom are doing the half) or do a different half a couple of weeks later (still spaces available, but he likes less due to hills).

I am being a cow aren't I? I just feel like it will be an issue for DM/DF of feeling like he isn't taking the birthday event seriously and will result in awkwardness. So as not to drop feed DM has been unwell this year and has just had the all clear do this is an important celebration.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 12/01/2015 12:37

So, sorry, I'm not very clear –is he or isn't he able to go to the birthday AND drive home in time for the race as well?

Do you mean there's a daytime thing at which he'll be present and then an evening thing at which he won't? Or will he go to the evening thing but leave sharp?

I think overall YANBU as the birthday was in the diary before the race. But then again personally I'd jump at the chance not to go to DP's mother's birthday (I know, I'm a cow), so I kind of see where he's coming from ...

bonkersLFDT20 · 12/01/2015 12:37

Is the marathon his target race? How many weeks before the mara is the HM and what is he hoping to gain from the HM? How experienced a runner and racer is he? These are all things I'd want to know before deciding how important THIS particular HM is to him.

I've just read your follow up post. I think you definitely need to tackle your feelings of resentment (which may or may be justified), but apart from telling him that it's something you want to talk about after the marathon, you need to let it drop for now because you've said you'll support him. I'm guessing maybe neither of you knew the level of commitment his training would take?

RiverTam · 12/01/2015 12:38

it sounds like you and your mum are pretty similar!

he's come up with a good compromise. If you (or your mum) decide to get the hump that's up to you (plural).

sparechange · 12/01/2015 12:39

YABU
He has suggested a reasonable compromise, which means he is still part of the celebration.

If you are resentful of the time he has to himself to train, why not sign up for something similar for next year and get that time for yourself?

chrome100 · 12/01/2015 12:39

I think YANBU and your husband should cancel the run.

And I say this as someone who has done a gazillion marathons and big fell races.

The key to success with these things is balance and not to let it rule your life. He has time to do another half before the big day and in any case, there's nothing to say that he has to do an "offical" half marathon before doing the full. Presumably his trianing will include the necessary mileage.

CatCushion · 12/01/2015 12:40

Is there a half marathon or 10k near to your DM's place that he could go to instead of the one near home? It's a long way to go for such a short trip, and you only have one Mum.

Original poster
caycepollard · 12/01/2015 12:40

god really Fred, your MIL's 70th following a difficult year and you would 't eel you'd need to attend! Hmmmm... Well nowt so queer as folk.

Thank you anotherday, that is it exactly.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 12/01/2015 12:41

Yabu. If this were my dh, I would tell him he didn't need to come to the birthday at all. Presumably he's usually present at such events, but for this one he has a previous engagement that's important to him.

OnlyLovers · 12/01/2015 12:41

Hmmmm... Well nowt so queer as folk

Come on, OP, no need to be passive-aggressive. It's just another perspective.

OnlyLovers · 12/01/2015 12:41

Bloody bold fail.

Floggingmolly · 12/01/2015 12:43

The following a difficult year angle is not particularly relevant, is it? Surely you've seen her since her illness? It's still just a birthday party, he won't make or break the celebrations by his absence.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 12/01/2015 12:44

In all the examples I have ever known, it is the man's hobby that dominates family life and I bet this is no exception here. I have friends who are cycling widows who spend most of each weekend by themselves. The problem is that family is always last.

I don't think taking up a similarly demanding hobby is a solution, and I don't personally know any women who would just leave their kids with their husband for 1 or 2 days every weekend or four times in the week to train in their chosen hobby/sport but I know a heck of a lot of guys that do.

It's a sexist matter most of the time and exists because those men genuinely do think they are a tiny bit more important than everyone else and they are lucky to have a wife that does all the childcare while they do their hobby. I do know couples that are more equal and say both parties go twice a week to the gym, supporting each other to exercise, but these are rarely people with hobbies that take up such a large amount of time or go on for years.

Floggingmolly · 12/01/2015 12:44

Actually, he won't even be absent, will he? Confused. You're getting your knickers in a knot about nothing.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2015 12:45

Savoy it's not a previous engagement. They've only now realised the clash.

I'm still questioning how "supportive" the OP really is of this training.

Original poster
caycepollard · 12/01/2015 12:47

Actually only I was including me in that comment. There's been some really helpful comments thank you. It is possible (whilst difficult) to be supportive and resentful, just a lot of cognitive dissonance going on. To be clear if this was the actual marathon I wouldn't dream of asking him to cancel, but it isn't (and I am still not going to). I am going to accept the compromise with as much grace as I can muster and have a serious think about why I feel the way I do.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 12/01/2015 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRainDrops · 12/01/2015 12:47

Why not drop him off by the road 13 miles away from DM's then he can do his half marathon before the event! Wink

In all seriousness, I don't think either of you are particularly BU but on a technicality I am going to side with you because he should have managed his calendar better if your DM's party has been in there for ages.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 12/01/2015 12:47

It wouldn't matter how difficult a year my MIL had been through, if I could find an excuse to avoid her birthday celebrations I would use it. If that makes me 'queer as folk' then I am happy to be queer. She is your mother and therefore you cannot expect your DH to feel the same as you do about whatever crappy year she has had.

He has offered a reasonable compromise (one which will probably have a negative impact on his race performance).

Running a half marathon by himself might not work for him, some people like the motivation of mass participation events and some people like flat easy runs. He has decided he wants to do this half marathon and has tried to work out how to attend both events. Just be glad he isn't me, my MILs birthday event would not be graced with my presence for even half of the time.

ChippingInLatteLover · 12/01/2015 12:49

I think he's being unreasonable. Surely he can do the 'miles' on his own that weekend and the official half two weeks later. Why does he not think that is reasonable.

You have to be committed to run a marathon and do all the training, nut you also have to realise that you are already committed to your family. Running cannot always come first.

After this marathon is done, he needs to realise he cannot just decide to do these things and expect you and the kids to keep compromising all the time.

Marphe · 12/01/2015 12:50

Flogging, Mum lives 300 miles away, I suspect OP doesn't actually see her that often.

As I said in my earlier post, I completely get how important running is to a runner but being able to enjoy a few days with your family all together to celebrate a 70th birthday with a parent you live a long way from is pretty important too.

Of course OP could stay on her own but wanting her DH there too isn't at all unreasonable IMO.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 12/01/2015 12:50

If he has to drive 300 miles to do the half marathon the following day, how will he be able to also attend all of the meal? Surely he would be leaving part of the way through? If this is the case, I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. A small celebration for a MIL's 70th birthday, especially after a period of ill health is not a big ask.

Orangeanddemons · 12/01/2015 12:52

Interesting comment Hairtoday. Very interesting, I've never thought about it like that.

We have frequent low level conflict in our house about the fact that I seem to be an unpaid childminder whilst dh does important training.

WooWooOwl · 12/01/2015 12:53

YABU.

benfoldsfive · 12/01/2015 12:56

yabu. It takes slot of time pep and training to be fit for a race like this. I'm sure you have watched all the training etc. Dp has made a really good suggestion and comprise. Take it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/01/2015 12:57

I spent 5 years as a single mum, and am now marrying a man who works shifts which sometimes clash with events like Xmas and New Year.
Going to events alone, or just with kids, is FUN. It's not like events are only enjoyable because your DH is there. You had a life before you met him. Please remember that life. (I mean this nicely.)

Shake it off, and focus your thoughts on what you can do to make your DM's birthday as lovely as possible (despite your DH not bring there in the evening to shine his Glorious Light on things Hmm).

You can sing karaoke! Or compile a 20-minute presentation/photo montage/home-movie screening all about her life! Or get everyone to write soppy messages in a guestbook that you then read out! Or record greetings from guests who won't be there, and (I dunno) paint them onto a vase or something...

Please stop making your DH the centre of your universe. You're putting too much importance onto his presence. It's not good.

Plus it probably wouldn't kill him to know that you don't stop having fun just because he's gone out.