To think that DH should cancel this (to him) very important event?

[caycepollard]

I think I might be and am totally prepared to be told so. DH is currently training for a marathon, which I am being supportive of. There is s half marathon in the lead up that he is registered to do and regards as important.

We have just realised (because we are fools) is on the same weekend as DM's 70th birthday; 300 miles away. The race is the day after DM's do, meal in the early evening with all GC etc.

DH is suggesting leaving that evening so he can get back for the race the following morning. I will travel back a few days later with the DC. DH will have to drive as public transport won't work with times.

I think he's mad and should cancel the race. It is essentially a training run that can be done another time/with the group he is training with (not all of whom are doing the half) or do a different half a couple of weeks later (still spaces available, but he likes less due to hills).

I am being a cow aren't I? I just feel like it will be an issue for DM/DF of feeling like he isn't taking the birthday event seriously and will result in awkwardness. So as not to drop feed DM has been unwell this year and has just had the all clear do this is an important celebration.

Ah so it's his MIL

Wonder if this thread were different and it was a MNer needing to leaves MIL event a little early.... Advice would be YADNBU!!

I'm training for a half with a full marathon 4 weeks later. If he's like me then he will be focusing on speed for the half and endurance for the full.... So training is a finely tuned mix. I don't blame him for not wanting to switch to a diff half this far into training

A HM is only 13.1 miles!! He can drive and be absolutely fine to run, it's no big thing to a trained runner! Don't get all this angst over it

Orangeanddemons yes, hairtoday's comment resonates with me too. Lots of that going on in our house, DH is currently on his third sporty hobby since we got together.

Pre-DCs I used to tag along or see friends, but since having DCs I end up stuck at home supervising homework or acting as the party-taxi service every bloody weekend!

OP, I've been there, done that with my DH and the marathon training, and it sounds like you have a compromise solution of sorts, but YANBU to feel pissed-off/disgruntled that his training is taking over your lives. Can you book yourself and a friend a spa weekend after the marathon is done and bugger off without DH to get some time back for you?

Driving home 300 miles and getting up to run a half marathon. Rather him than me. I suspect it will go by the by without any further discussion once he's had a chance to think about it.

Assuming this is a one off and he is not regularly running marathons, half or otherwise then I'd chalk it up. He is presumably running it for charity?

Would he be missing part of the evening by leaving to travel for the run? If so, I would feel that this was disrespectful and unkind to his MIL, to be prioritising part of his training over her intimate birthday celebration. It shows what is really important not him. Would you do this to his mum, of the situation were reversed? I would imagine not.

Have you looked to see if there is a HM he can do closer to your DM's? Usually loads of HMs in the spring.

It shows what is really important to him, that should say.

I don't think YABU. You say the event is important to him, but the party event is important to you, and it was booked first.

It's not obligatory to run marathons for charity, let alone halfs!

He will be leaving early and bolting his food in all likelihood.

Thanks Marphe and others who get it. You've made me feel less rotten about myself!

I'm going to withdraw now (have been ignoring DS too much).

I have run several marathons myself and training regimes tend to be very structured and it can be quite detrimental in the long run to change or skip your long weekend runs at a whim. You can get away with missing the odd midweek run but the weekend long runs are key. Also, assuming it’s his fist marathon competing in a half marathon is hugely important, it is not just about completing the distance but about experiencing an event under racing conditions, dealing with nerves, managing your pace, experimenting with gels and energy drinks, experiencing running in a crowded field with hundreds (thousands?) of others, making sure your clothes and running shoes are up the task and generally pushing yourself harder than you would if you just running on your own, it’s a hugely important and not just about getting a shiny medal at the end, it’s an assessment of your training to date and all being well a nice psychological boost for the remainder of your schedule. Yes, running a marathon is a bit of a selfish ambition as for 16+ weeks you are imposing your training regime onto your family and friends, but assuming you had a sit down with your husband to discuss what was involved beforehand and you have supported him to date it would be a bit unreasonable to ask him to drop out of this race when he has already met you halfway as a compromise.

Well, speaking as a MiL, if it was my birthday celebration and my DiL was training for a marathon, I would not turn a hair if she did not come at all, and I love her to bits!
I am an adult. Birthdays are just another day. A nice day, to celebrate another milestone, but not something I would expect family to tie themselves up in knots about.
I also 'get' his determination to do this training run, and not another. To run like this takes guts and determination and once a regime has been put in place, it focuses the mind. To change it now would not be fair.
He did not deliberately organise this to clash with the party and has tried to find a reasonable compromise.
Tbh, your mother should be overjoyed that he thinks so much of her, he is making a superhuman effort.

Whatsgoingout I know where you are coming from, I go to lots of events just with my children and have a great time. I certainly don't need my husband to come along with me to every single family event but...

He is not at work doing shift work, he's doing his hobby which could be done at a different time- another half marathon, going with a buddy the weekend after to do the same and so on.

The event is a 'big one', was in the diary prior to the training marathon and the OP has a special reason to want to be there. It's also a small event, so him rushing off - he can't leave much past 9/10pm and still get home in an ok state to run, surely, will be quite obvious.

I also bet, as my previous post states, that this is part of an ongoing dynamic in the Op's household where his training, his runs, his weekends determine what everyone else has to do and that the OP just has to suck up. I've seen it so many times, and not once have I ever seen a woman do this to her family, not over sport anyway. All my female friends exercise around their family commitments once or twice a week and wouldn't dream of excusing themselves from a several night 'big birthday' stay looking after the kids to go on a practice marathon, they just wouldn't even think about it!

I think everything would change here if the OP's husband offered to change the half-marathon run to another weekend (the hilly one!) My guess is the OP would then say 'no, go ahead, you do this one'. They would then compromise. It's his insistence that he is actually more important than her tiredness (she then has to bring the kids back from 300 miles away by public transport as he will have the car, on her own) and her mother's feelings and their being together as a family that is getting her down, not the actual act of doing the running.

The Ops' mum may not actually care that much if her SIL is there!

On balance I think your DH's compromise is reasonable.

I suspect the underlying issue is that you resent his training full stop.

I get it, OP. I really do. It's a matter of him deciding what is important to him, you and your feelings, or his wants and needs. Wouldn't it be nice if he could work all of this out for himself and do the right thing, rather than it having to be debated. Especially with your family bring so far away, and extended family events therefore being so rare. This is your mum's 70th birthday celebration. His actions send a clear message.

Yabu - just let him go. His compromise is fine. It's a clash of interests, and he's doing well to fit in both.

Is she the mil from hell I wonder?? Here enough about them here...

I notice the OP only thanked those who agreed that she was not being unreasonable and that her husband should do a different run. She ignored those who thought her husband was being perfectly reasonable and had offered a reasonable compromise.
I think toooldtobearsed has actually given the best advice so far on the thread. If only all MILs were like tooold

This isn't really about the half marathon, it is merely a symbol of you always having to be the one to compromise, isn't it?

I get where you're coming from. My MIL had a big meal after an awful year (in which she broke her neck then recovered) and it was a really big deal to her that all the family turned up and spent time celebrating with her.

I also agree with tooold.

I wouldn't cancel an important personal event under these circumstances btw. If my mil expected me to, and both she and my dh were going to get huffy about it if I didn't, I'd think they'd taken leave of their senses tbh. It's just not the sort of thing any of us would kick up shit about, but instead would offer encouragement.

Having run the flora marathon in 2009 he NEEDs to do a proper half marathon. He needs to test his training, his speed, his taking on water/sugar replacements. He needs to know his clothes and shoes are right. He needs to know how a proper race works. Turning up, following signs, getting numbers on, race starts and shoe timers. Not to mention he needs to know how to recover after and be sure he's on track. It really is an essential tool. It is not IMO a thing he should cancel if he's planning to do the full marathon soon after. I learnt LOADS I didn't know and needed to.

He could not do it, but he will feel more confident knowing he's done this. Especially if the weathers shit. I ran milton keynes and it rained, hailed and snowed during my half marathon. I hated every second. Cried round. Swore blind I couldn't do the full. But realised it couldn't be worse!!! And it wasn't. It really helped.

It's important you are there. It's nice if he comes for a bit. He's trying to compromise.

But, once marathon done you need to discuss his continued traing needs and what ongoing compromises between you are needed. If any. I reverted to being happy at 10miles max and have no intention of more marathons. He might want to beat his time. Getting round was good for me!

In all the examples I have ever known, it is the man's hobby that dominates family life

I must be an exception to your rule. Both DH and I enjoy running but I run twice as frequently as he does and on those evenings/ mornings when I am running he sorts the kids out. I also play a team sport and when I am out doing that my husband is on child duties. I also have a craft hobby which takes up one evening a week. We still spend lots of time together as a family.
I definitely have more 'hobby' time than DH does but fortunately he doesn't mind and even encourages me in my interests.

OP hasn't said that her mum expects her Dh not to run this particular half marathon so that he can stay for the duration of the celebration. But, given the circumstances, that would be the decent thing for the OP's Dh to do, I think.

Relevant circumstances are, to me:
OP's mum lives 300 miles away so presumably they don't see her a huge amount
It is her 70th birthday, so a big one
She hasn't been well
As the OP's mum, she is a significant family member
It is a small do
OP will have to make her own way back with the children, as her DH will have taken the car
OP is probably doing a fair amount of compromising to enable her DH to take time out to train for and run this marathon anyway

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but on balance I think his compromise is fair.

Though if he sits at the meal a) talking about the fact he has to leave early or going on about his training or b) checking his watch or or c) looking distracteda and not joining in the fun as his mind is elsewhere...I would kill him!

Concentrate on your mum and making it a great event, not on whether or not your dh is going on this run.